Loveless72 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I don't understand it. I have been married for a little over five years. We have two kids. A 4 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. I am 37 and my wife is 32. Our marrige is good except for the lack of sex and intimacy. She acts like it is perfectly normal. I love my wife but she makes me feel like she hates to have sex. It is a task for her. She is always tired. Today is a good typical day example. Kids went to bed and we rented a movie. After being on her iPhone for an hour, she fell asleep 15 min Into the movie. She always ends up falling asleep around 8:45 or 9 pm. Kids go to bed at that time so guess what no sex. I have been keeping track of the days we have sex and who initiated it. Well so far we have had sex 3 times since thanksgiving. Oh and I initiated all 3. I don't know how much more I can take this. I am young. There are old men that wish they could be cappable of doing it like I can and here I am doing nothing. I love my wife but this lack of affection is making me feel like I am falling out of love. I don't know what to do. Please help. I don't want to go out and have an affair though It has crossed my mind. I have confronted her with it and she always puts it on me. She says that it is me who doesn't want it. No way. She is trying to make me feel bad. There are lots of other things that I could almost write a book on that I will not get into right now but later. To be honest with you, the last good (not great) sex I ever had was during my honeymoon. After that it all went down hill. Please give me some advise. Thank you.
HeyThere Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 There are many here with similar cases to yours. Good reading on the subject include “Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic” by Esther Perel “Everything good is bad for you. That, in so many words, is the theme of Esther Perel's little red book on how to achieve sexual bliss in marriage. And the bad news -- or the good, depending on your priorities -- is that it's probably true. Communication? Forget it. Destroys the libido. Equality? A turnoff. Monogamy? Puts a girl to sleep. Kids you cherish? A death sentence.“ For a more reviews google or go to; http://www.powells.com/review/2006_11_28.html
EnigmasMuse Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 4 and 1, I bet they keep her busy! Here are a few things to ask your self just to rule anything out. *How are things outside of the bedroom? Do you get along well together? *Are there any medical issues going on? *Have you done or said things to her over the years that she feels resentment towards you for? Resentment and/or unresolved issues can kill intimacy. *Do you help her out with the kids and around the house, so she doesn't feel so tired or stressed? *Is it possible, there is someone else? You also stated there are other things you could share with us, you might want to do that, because it could help others know a little bit more of the story and what may or may not be going on with her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 (edited) After being on her iPhone for an hour What does she do on there? I have an iPhone too, but I can't imagine what I would be doing on there that would hold my interest for an hour! I'm curious as to how a woman who is 'too tired' for sex has an hour to devote to whatever is going on with her iPhone. I hate stuff like this. Would it really kill her to take ten minutes out of her busy iPhone schedule and show you some real and genuine affection (and possibly even something remotely sexual?) For whatever reason, you are not a husband to her anymore. You are a father and a provider. She is not a wife to you anymore. She is a mother and a caretaker. You and she need to find a way to reconnect as husband and wife before you find yourselves permanent platonic roommates sharing a home and bringing up children. I wouldn't badger or attack her, or even make it about the sex necessarily. That is 100% guaranteed not to work. She will ignore everything you say and accuse you of not loving or accepting her and only wanting sex. You have to find out what makes her feel loved and accepted, before she will even consider bringing sex into the picture. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that for you sex means you feel loved and accepted. It is not just a substitute for masturbation for you. I hate to say it, but in the end she may just not care enough to meet that need for you. It sounds cold and mean, but if someone knows what your needs are and ignores them, on some level they don't care enough. Find out if there is need of hers that she feels you are ignoring, and once you crack that puzzle perhaps she may be more interested in meeting your needs. Some people have to have their needs met first before they will consider the needs of another. Gotta work it however you can sometimes. Edited February 27, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
Luv2dance Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Well, I'm new here but from lurking for a few days it seems that this is a problem for lots of marriages! My one question would be does your wife feel cherished outside of the bedroom? Women do need to feel like there is love and affection that is not always based on sex. Of course, I don't really understand the wives who don't want it b/c I am the one complaining that I don't get it enough from MH. Clean up the dinner dishes, tell me I'm beautiful, put on some cologne and I'm READY!!! LOL
blair08 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Well, because you have only been married for 5 years, and you have a 4 year old sounds like you all didn't have alot of time to enjoy each others company and really connect without a baby coming along first and having to go directly into the parental role, and now there are two. As far as her iPhone, I'll admit its a odd way to pass the time espcially for an hour, what is she doing on there exactly? I guess different people can find different ways to relax or unwind, because you did say she falls asleep after being on there. I guess for whatever reason she would rather "connect" with her phone than with you. So the main thing right now if to try and focus on what might be the real underlying issue with her and not put so much effort into the lack of sex, obviously there is a reason for that, and hopefully you can get to the bottom of what that might be.
dazzle22 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 The'Mating in captivity' book is a must read.m iMO, kids are a total romance killer. Women get totally immersed in mommy role and their sexual identity disappears and their man falls into low priority. I see it over and over. Very unattractive aspect of motherhood. She's probably always tired. Get a housekeeper, babysitter and tell her you need a marriage that doesn't look like two old grandparents!!
troggleputty Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I don't understand it. I have been married for a little over five years. We have two kids. A 4 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. I am 37 and my wife is 32. Our marriage is good except for the lack of sex and intimacy. She acts like it is perfectly normal. I love my wife but she makes me feel like she hates to have sex. It is a task for her. She is always tired. Today is a good typical day example. Kids went to bed and we rented a movie. After being on her iPhone for an hour, she fell asleep 15 min Into the movie. She always ends up falling asleep around 8:45 or 9 pm. Kids go to bed at that time so guess what no sex. I have been keeping track of the days we have sex and who initiated it. Well so far we have had sex 3 times since thanksgiving. Oh and I initiated all 3. I don't know how much more I can take this. I am young. There are old men that wish they could be cappable of doing it like I can and here I am doing nothing. I love my wife but this lack of affection is making me feel like I am falling out of love. I don't know what to do. Please help. I don't want to go out and have an affair though It has crossed my mind. I have confronted her with it and she always puts it on me. She says that it is me who doesn't want it. No way. She is trying to make me feel bad. There are lots of other things that I could almost write a book on that I will not get into right now but later. To be honest with you, the last good (not great) sex I ever had was during my honeymoon. After that it all went down hill. Please give me some advise. Thank you. Aye yi yi. Not another one. Smash her I phone, drag her into the bedroom, rip her clothes off, and give her a good screwing. Don't "ask" her if it's OK. If she resists, tell her to spend the night in a motel. Tell her she gets to come back when she's willing to have sex with you.
nddb Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Try set aside time for morning sex or go away for a weekend? If that doesn't work, it's time for MC. May be the problem is you are not making her feel cherished and sexy and secure outside of the bedroom? If so, fix that. If the problem is hers and all you get is excuses, there are giving and unselfish, non-entitled women out there. Life is short my friend. One day you'll look back and kick yourself for living this way when you were young, virile, and healthy... Don't let that 60-YO man in the future regret the 30-YO guy of today for not standing up for himself.
mem11363 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 But why would she behave any differently? You have given her the children she wants, and likely try hard to do most everything else she asks for despite her ignoring your needs. The message you may have consistently sent her is that the more she ignores you sexually the harder you try to please her. Is it possible you have been reinforcing her behavior for 5 years? BTW - complaining means zero. Women make great mothers because they can tolerate an almost infinite amount of complaining/whining. They do however respond to firm/mature behavior. Read "mating in captivity" I don't understand it. I have been married for a little over five years. We have two kids. A 4 yr old girl and a 1 yr old boy. I am 37 and my wife is 32. Our marrige is good except for the lack of sex and intimacy. She acts like it is perfectly normal. I love my wife but she makes me feel like she hates to have sex. It is a task for her. She is always tired. Today is a good typical day example. Kids went to bed and we rented a movie. After being on her iPhone for an hour, she fell asleep 15 min Into the movie. She always ends up falling asleep around 8:45 or 9 pm. Kids go to bed at that time so guess what no sex. I have been keeping track of the days we have sex and who initiated it. Well so far we have had sex 3 times since thanksgiving. Oh and I initiated all 3. I don't know how much more I can take this. I am young. There are old men that wish they could be cappable of doing it like I can and here I am doing nothing. I love my wife but this lack of affection is making me feel like I am falling out of love. I don't know what to do. Please help. I don't want to go out and have an affair though It has crossed my mind. I have confronted her with it and she always puts it on me. She says that it is me who doesn't want it. No way. She is trying to make me feel bad. There are lots of other things that I could almost write a book on that I will not get into right now but later. To be honest with you, the last good (not great) sex I ever had was during my honeymoon. After that it all went down hill. Please give me some advise. Thank you.
asireen Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 For whatever reason, you are not a husband to her anymore. You are a father and a provider Very well said. And add one more - sperm donor. Your situation is very similar to mine. A lot of women are looking for sperm donors and providers rather than companions and lovers. Their personality and outlook changes once those objectives are achieved (marriage and kids). I tried for many years to get sex back into our lives. Finally, I capitulated, and have had multiple affairs. She probably knows it, and is looking the other way. Don't ask, don't tell!
PandorasBox Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Just out of curiosty, since you have stated what you're lacking, which is sex from her, and the fact that she isn't interested or really providing you with any, is there anything you can think of that she might be lacking from you, or that you're not providing her with as well? Or is just all her?
Author Loveless72 Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 Still nothing. I have done everything I can short of beg which I won't. Today for example. She went to her friends house from work to watch the bachelor finale. I cooked, fed the kids, bathed the kids, cleaned the kitchen and put the kids to bed. She got home around 9:30 and was out on the sofa around 9:45 with her clothes on. WTF? That is it. I love my wife but I need someone who will give me affection and love. Like all of my previous girlfriends! Sometimes I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. Well now with two kids, I will not leave them and therefore I am stuck in a platonic marriage. I am sick of it. My birthday Is in two weeks. Let's see what happens. Loveless 72
PandorasBox Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Maybe its time to put your foot down. Also there were questions asked to you to help others know a little more about your situation, but you seem to be skipping over them and continuing on with what you're not getting.
HeyThere Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 There are many threads that may resonate, try "Wife's lack of sexual desire" PKB57 or others and report back with any thoughts.
EnigmasMuse Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 "There are lots of other things that I could almost write a book on that I will not get into right now but later". Well, its later. So you are welcome to share these other things. It might help shed some light on things better.
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