Stood up 2

[tami-chan]

Good on you, AU! I am of the school to always play it cool-never lose your bearings.

[Angel Pie]

Ok...hold on a sec...You said he was drunk. You also said that he doesnt want to be your bf but you are exclusive and you already had to confront him on this?

 

Ok...first things first, dude was drunk. Guys are idiots when they are drunk...clearly you were on his mind in his drunken stuper to ask you to hang out. His buddy is goin thru a breakup and probably seeing a couple together is the last thing he needs, so his buddy probably got on his case, called him a pussy and then he cancelled with you. It sucks he cancelled but he was drunk...If he doesnt acknowledge it the next day then he was either wayyyyyy too drunk and doesnt remember or he really is a tool. If I were you, if the next time you talk he doesnt say sorry I would bring it up in a joking manner and go from there.

 

K, next. kind of confusing. Are you together or no? You said you already had to talk and he didnt want to commit to bf but that you are exclusive. Did he finally commit to you? Either way, from what you have said, it seems like you realized that you clam up in certain moments and dont say what is really on your mind...sometimes that is a good thing...It can give you time, like now, to think about what you really want to say and what you want to happen. Anyways, if you want this dude to be your bf then you need to up the degree of difficulty. How? Make him work for you! Next time he calls, dont be available to him...he will get all worried like wth? After that, he wants to see you, tell him you will but if he cancel again, cya!!!

[Awesome Username]

Ok...hold on a sec...You said he was drunk. You also said that he doesnt want to be your bf but you are exclusive and you already had to confront him on this?

 

Ok...first things first, dude was drunk. Guys are idiots when they are drunk...clearly you were on his mind in his drunken stuper to ask you to hang out. His buddy is goin thru a breakup and probably seeing a couple together is the last thing he needs, so his buddy probably got on his case, called him a pussy and then he cancelled with you. It sucks he cancelled but he was drunk...If he doesnt acknowledge it the next day then he was either wayyyyyy too drunk and doesnt remember or he really is a tool. If I were you, if the next time you talk he doesnt say sorry I would bring it up in a joking manner and go from there.

 

K, next. kind of confusing. Are you together or no? You said you already had to talk and he didnt want to commit to bf but that you are exclusive. Did he finally commit to you? Either way, from what you have said, it seems like you realized that you clam up in certain moments and dont say what is really on your mind...sometimes that is a good thing...It can give you time, like now, to think about what you really want to say and what you want to happen. Anyways, if you want this dude to be your bf then you need to up the degree of difficulty. How? Make him work for you! Next time he calls, dont be available to him...he will get all worried like wth? After that, he wants to see you, tell him you will but if he cancel again, cya!!!

 

 

Excellent advice, Angel Pie. We are still exclusive, but not bf gf yet. This is hard because for some reason NOW that I'm seeing someone, every hot guy has come out of the woodwork to ask me out (irony sucks). If I'm not getting the feeling that he is truly into me by the end of this week, ixnay on this man. It's not like I'm a desperate woman!

[threebyfate]

I've missed something. So you're exclusive but he backed away from a relationship? Girlfriend, you got some work to do.

 

While his reasoning sounds valid and understandable, each time you play "cool girl", it's just one more step to "doormat girl".

[alphamale]

I've missed something. So you're exclusive but he backed away from a relationship? Girlfriend, you got some work to do.

 

While his reasoning sounds valid and understandable, each time you play "cool girl", it's just one more step to "doormat girl".

yea she should go wild-psycho-bitch on him

[threebyfate]

yea she should go wild-psycho-bitch on him

Nope. There's middle ground. She can hold him responsible for his actions, as at the time it happens, in a calm way.

 

Too often, do both men and women play it "cool", when something annoys the frack out of them. That's due to fear of loss which is a useless emotion, since the ultimate goal is to find someone compatible, rather than bend ourselves into relationship pretzels.

[Awesome Username]

...That's due to fear of loss which is a useless emotion, since the ultimate goal is to find someone compatible, rather than bend ourselves into relationship pretzels.

 

Oh my goodness, does this ever hit the nail on the head.

[threebyfate]

Oh my goodness, does this ever hit the nail on the head.

Don't be afraid to assert yourself. The other person is a human being, just like you are, someone with thoughts and feelings, not a prize.

 

You both deserve to have your reasonable needs met and if you think about it, when you don't express your reasonable concerns, it's unfair to them too.

 

Otherwise, you end up exploding or dumping them, when it builds up, since they "appear" to take you for granted but they're not really doing so, since they never knew what the issue was before and continued treating you the same way.

[Awesome Username]

Otherwise, you end up exploding or dumping them, when it builds up, since they "appear" to take you for granted but they're not really doing so, since they never knew what the issue was before and continued treating you the same way.

 

That is exactly what happened with my ex who I went out with for about three years...I told him it was over. It completely caught him off guard that I was that upset. He was shocked and I was emotionally finished with him. I could have handled my anger differently and let it out, rather than have kept it to myself.

 

I'm always trying to stifle my emotions and be nice all of the time. I have wrestled down any aggressive or dominant behavior whenever I think I am about to overstep my bounds. The thing is, I think that it's in my nature to be dominant and a bell-ringer personality type but I kind of HATE that part of myself. I have to fight telling people exactly what I think of them, or what they should be doing all the time. I've totally shut it down and in doing that, have become a completely passive person. I'm scared of what I would be like if I was more uninhibited, and am afraid that people will not like me.

 

You know, I don't think I've ever actually yelled at any boyfriend I've ever had, for any reason. That's actually a really bad sign. It's all coming together.

 

Holy crap, that was introspective. What would I do without Loveshack?

[tkgirl]

Excellent advice, Angel Pie. We are still exclusive, but not bf gf yet. This is hard because for some reason NOW that I'm seeing someone, every hot guy has come out of the woodwork to ask me out (irony sucks). If I'm not getting the feeling that he is truly into me by the end of this week, ixnay on this man. It's not like I'm a desperate woman!

 

so you're exclusive just not bf gf yet? how does that work?

why are you giving him until the end of this week? I think you should strike while the iron is hot.. if these other hot guys want to take you out then I say go for it! I get that you like this guy... but maybe that's the kick in the pants that he needs to make you his gf!

 

I've missed something. So you're exclusive but he backed away from a relationship? Girlfriend, you got some work to do.

 

While his reasoning sounds valid and understandable, each time you play "cool girl", it's just one more step to "doormat girl".

 

exactly! Do not be anybody's doormat... and the way things are going right now it seems like you are very close to becoming one.

[threebyfate]

That is exactly what happened with my ex who I went out with for about three years...I told him it was over. It completely caught him off guard that I was that upset. He was shocked and I was emotionally finished with him. I could have handled my anger differently and let it out, rather than have kept it to myself.

 

I'm always trying to stifle my emotions and be nice all of the time. I have wrestled down any aggressive or dominant behavior whenever I think I am about to overstep my bounds. The thing is, I think that it's in my nature to be dominant and a bell-ringer personality type but I kind of HATE that part of myself. I have to fight telling people exactly what I think of them, or what they should be doing all the time. I've totally shut it down and in doing that, have become a completely passive person. I'm scared of what I would be like if I was more uninhibited, and am afraid that people will not like me.

 

You know, I don't think I've ever actually yelled at any boyfriend I've ever had, for any reason. That's actually a really bad sign. It's all coming together.

 

Holy crap, that was introspective. What would I do without Loveshack?

Why not mold yourself into something in between dominant and passive? There's no reason why you can't be a little of both. Unrestrained anything, can be too much.

 

So you don't feel alone, I've never yelled or screamed at any SO. Even when the ex-H cheated and I was in a white hot rage, not once did I raise my voice. BUT...I did let him and also the OW, know in no uncertain scathing terms, what I thought of them.

[Kamille]

I've struggled with the same issue AU and am just now making great strides in dealing with it. But I don't know if I'm actually getting better of if bf actually makes it easier. My guess is that bf makes communication easy so I am getting better at letting him know when things bother me.

 

That being said, for the first time in all my relationships, I granted myself the time to reflect on things that bothered me. I often question my own reactions and I've learned to accept that this is part of who I am. Once I have reflected about something or calmed down, then I bring it up.

 

So like you, I rarely react immediately, but I still do bring up issues, at a time when I feel I can discuss the issues calmly. Much to my surprise, bf responds really well to this, mostly because I never assume he must know I have been stewing over something for days.

[marsle85]

I think you responded just fine. If this is becoming a trend, the long time without talking and him ditching you, I'd DEFINITELY say something. But may be it really was a tough week. I think by acting cool, you're going to show your BF what a cool, chill girl you are. He'll appreciate that you didn't overreact. Don't get me wrong, if this happens again soon, it's time to talk-- but for now, trust in him, and consider it could have been an honest rough week.

[zicke]

If this happens to you more often than not, it is something you are doing. What I see is that you are accepting "last minute" plans, or plans that already involve these guys being at bars and drinking and you being the afterthought.

 

A way to avoid this is to only accept "date" plans until you are in an established relationship. If a man cannot be bothered to take you out, with him picking you up, just the two of you, on a real date, he will never be bothered and you will get these late night lame "get togethers".

 

Stop accepting shabby treatment from men, and soon you will notice that you no longer get treated shabbily. Next time a guy calls you from a bar, wanting you to meet him there, decline. If he never gets it together and gets you on a real date, he never will.

[Kamille]

If this happens to you more often than not, it is something you are doing. What I see is that you are accepting "last minute" plans, or plans that already involve these guys being at bars and drinking and you being the afterthought.

 

A way to avoid this is to only accept "date" plans until you are in an established relationship. If a man cannot be bothered to take you out, with him picking you up, just the two of you, on a real date, he will never be bothered and you will get these late night lame "get togethers".

 

Stop accepting shabby treatment from men, and soon you will notice that you no longer get treated shabbily. Next time a guy calls you from a bar, wanting you to meet him there, decline. If he never gets it together and gets you on a real date, he never will.

 

I think this is a great point.

 

You have only been seeing this man for a month, so you should make sure you both put your best foot forward. I mean, the first few months should be about wooing each other right?

[Awesome Username]

If this happens to you more often than not, it is something you are doing. What I see is that you are accepting "last minute" plans, or plans that already involve these guys being at bars and drinking and you being the afterthought.

 

A way to avoid this is to only accept "date" plans until you are in an established relationship. If a man cannot be bothered to take you out, with him picking you up, just the two of you, on a real date, he will never be bothered and you will get these late night lame "get togethers".

 

Stop accepting shabby treatment from men, and soon you will notice that you no longer get treated shabbily. Next time a guy calls you from a bar, wanting you to meet him there, decline. If he never gets it together and gets you on a real date, he never will.

 

Dang, that is a startlingly good point. I do what you just said I did.

[tkgirl]

Dang, that is a startlingly good point. I do what you just said I did.

 

have you read the book "Why Men Love Bitches"? funny title I know but I highly recommend it for girls like "us"... always trying to be "cool" with everything all the time but not getting our needs met... that's when the resentment starts to build, no?

[Hot Carl]

have you read the book "Why Men Love Bitches"?

 

Oh yeah. I love the bitches. I love them real good.

[tkgirl]

Oh yeah. I love the bitches. I love them real good.

 

I bet you do Hot Carl!