Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Okay, so the guy I am exclusive with hasn't called me in five days (Which is okay since I know he's busy at work.) He messaged me today seeing how I was doing, and it was cool. Cut to 10 when he got off of work, and asked if I wanted to meet him at a bar. I get ready, and then he calls me up not long after saying that maybe he and his friend should just stay at his house tonight, since his friend's girlfriend cheated on him and needs his bro. That's cool and I totally respect that, but then why did he invite me to see him ten minutes ago if his plan was to stay home? Oh, and he was also drunk. I really hate this. I don't know why I even bother getting ready and getting happy to meet a guy somewhere anymore. I am angry. I totally played it cool on the phone, but should I let him know it bothered me? Shoud I text him something right now? I might just bring it up the next time I see him, or let it slide because our friend is having a really difficult week, being cheated on and all. I just totally was going to get food and since I was invited to go to a bar, decided to stay home and get ready for something I'm not even going to go to. I'm still hungry too darnit, and it's midnight. I feel unloved.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 I always get stood up by guys who invite me somewhere, call me and have been drinking already, and decide that either I should go over there or they're too out of it to meet me anywhere. This happens ALL THE TIME. I wonder if it's anything I'm doing, since it seems to be a trend.
Hot Carl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Okay, so the guy I am exclusive with hasn't called me in five days (Which is okay since I know he's busy at work.) He messaged me today seeing how I was doing, and it was cool. Cut to 10 when he got off of work, and asked if I wanted to meet him at a bar. I get ready, and then he calls me up not long after saying that maybe he and his friend should just stay at his house tonight, since his friend's girlfriend cheated on him and needs his bro. That's cool and I totally respect that, but then why did he invite me to see him ten minutes ago if his plan was to stay home? Oh, and he was also drunk. I really hate this. I don't know why I even bother getting ready and getting happy to meet a guy somewhere anymore. I am angry. I totally played it cool on the phone, but should I let him know it bothered me? Shoud I text him something right now? I might just bring it up the next time I see him, or let it slide because our friend is having a really difficult week, being cheated on and all. I just totally was going to get food and since I was invited to go to a bar, decided to stay home and get ready for something I'm not even going to go to. I'm still hungry too darnit, and it's midnight. I feel unloved. Text him this: "F*cker." Of course you should let him know it bothered you. Not as if he's responsible for your feelings, but more like you need him to respect you. It's important that you feel comfortable calling him on things, whether he thinks you're justified or not. And don't feel unloved. I love you.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 I'm so sad. I don't want to bring it up because I was totally cool and understanding on the phone, and I don't want to do a switch. I know that he needs to be there for his friend, and I've already had to confront him on the issue of his not wanting to be my boyfriend yet, but we're still exclusive. Maybe I'll just jokingly bring it up next time, like, "Are you REALLY gonna show up this time?" I'm gonna go get a noodle bowl by myself at the Hella late Vietnamese food place and try not to cry. Thank you Hot Carl, I love you too.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Text him this: "F*cker." Of course you should let him know it bothered you. Not as if he's responsible for your feelings, but more like you need him to respect you. It's important that you feel comfortable calling him on things, whether he thinks you're justified or not. I sent him this: "I feel bad for (friend). I hope he's okay. Maybe I will see you next week...we'll see." He wanted to see me next week, but I threw a maybe out there. I hope he reads into it to step it up a notch. That's the best I can do right now. Next time I'm going to turn up the heat if he does it again...I might even give him the let's be friend speech. That would suck because this guy is pretty cool, but I hate this feeling I get when I am not cared for as much as I care for someone. Okay, noodle house time.
Hot Carl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 You're a bit of a wuss, AU. You're right, you shouldn't change your response after the fact. What you should do is learn to express it on the spot if something bothers you. It's really not that hard to do, just don't turn it into an argument or guilt trip. Just say, "I'm getting tired of this, Mr. Flake. I can waste my own time just fine. I don't need your help."
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Yeah, expressing my unhappiness at the moment is often times very difficult for me to do; I'm going to have to work on it. I need to get more of a backbone, as completely embarrassing as it is for me to admit. I'm a strong woman, but you'd never know it by this post. I swear, I'm holding out for mad-on-the-spot next time this happens, which I'm sure it will. Hey, maybe God sent me this guy to train me to get pissed off on the spot when I'm upset! When you have trouble expressing your emotions at the very moment you feel them, the problem is always amplified by casually bringing it up later, and it's especially stupid sounding if it wasn't even that big of a deal but you would feel mad if you didn't bring it up SOME TIME. You know, not that I've had this epiphany I'm kind of not as upset. New goal: Don't clam up when someone pisses me off. Gosh, wish me luck.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Arrrrrgh tears. :.c I don't wanna go to the noodle house with tearface. I hate the part of me that has just completely wussed out this situation. I wish I could do that whole conversation over now. ARRRRRRGH time to rip apart the Earth with my bare hands like She-Hulk. I'm gonna stay here and make my own !@#E@$#E#%^#% noodles!!!!!!! Angry Username.
Hot Carl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I'd give you a hug if it would help. I'd even wipe a tear or two. You're being a bit too hard on yourself. This is just how you learn, AU. It's easier for a nice person to learn to be more assertive than it is for a complete ******* to learn how to sincerely treat people nicely. You're starting on the right side of the problem. So maybe this is all just preparing you for when the real right guy comes along. Just think of this guy as your test track.
Pizzaman81 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I would love to try the noodles you make... lots of emotion goes into them, they must taste VERY good! I'm sorry to hear about your issue. It seems like HE may not be respecting your feelings while you respect him. If I were you, I'd put up your guard... show him that you have been disrespected. How long have you been seeing this guy? It's never too late to leave, you deserve better! Let me know when the noodles are done k?
Author Awesome Username Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 I would love to try the noodles you make... lots of emotion goes into them, they must taste VERY good! I'm sorry to hear about your issue. It seems like HE may not be respecting your feelings while you respect him. If I were you, I'd put up your guard... show him that you have been disrespected. How long have you been seeing this guy? It's never too late to leave, you deserve better! Let me know when the noodles are done k? noodles = done. I've been seeing him for a little over a month now. He actually has a lot of good traits, and generally has a good head on his shoulders despite his idiotic thing he did tonight. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone right now and calling it all off between us...I am unbelievably pissed. I had another guy do that to me right before I dated this one (Call me up, invite me somewhere, get drunk and forget) so I think that I'm making a small situation a lot bigger than it really is because it just HAPPENS to me. I'm patient, and I've been letting him do his warming up to me emotionally thing that guys do. I mean, it's not like he has a bunch of chicks on speed dial or he parties with any women around here or anything. It's just him and software dudes, everywhere you see. I would think that he would feel lucky and happy that I'm giving him a chance, but to the detriment of my pride he just seems confused; guarded and self-concious even. He says he really likes me and want to be exclusive and tells people we're dating, yet is freaked out by the term "girlfriend." That's getting to me too. He also brought up that in Indian cultures, affection is usually not displayed and having a girlfriend is a BIG deal...a more than dating someone for just a month thing. I'll give him some slack there, then. SIIIIIIIIGH. *eats noodle*
bayouboi Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I'm sorry for your misfortune, but I'm thankful for the mental image of you slurpin' noodles >: )
start-fresh Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 AU, I know how you feel. I HATE when people blow me off, ignore messages or phone calls or whatever, but you're emotionally invested here. From my outside perspective, I think you're blowing this a little out of proportion. Don't dump him over it. I think a calm discussion about how this made you feel would be in order, but honestly, anything more than that at this point would make you look a little unstable. Also, when we have a self image issue, even a small one, the way others treat us and how it affects us is magnified greatly. When I feel bad about myself for whatever reason and somebody blows me off, I start to feel like everybody thinks I'm worthless, when in reality, it's my own self image. Just consider that fact.
mortensorchid Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through this AU, I too am depressed or up in the air about someone similar and it seems we are in the same boat. I feel like crying sometimes too. I feel useless and foolish, but I guess it will pass whatever it is. Hugs to you from a distance!
sugarmomma Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 AU what this guy is doing is simply giving you a preview of the coming attraction. He is managing down your expectations, that is your expectations of him being considerate, respectful, etc. I don't understand why this guy even gets another chance to stand you up. I never give second chances to guys who stand me up. It is totally unacceptable and a sure deal breaker. I mean their mother would have to be dead or something.
Pizzaman81 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 noodles = done. I've been seeing him for a little over a month now. He actually has a lot of good traits, and generally has a good head on his shoulders despite his idiotic thing he did tonight. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone right now and calling it all off between us...I am unbelievably pissed. I had another guy do that to me right before I dated this one (Call me up, invite me somewhere, get drunk and forget) so I think that I'm making a small situation a lot bigger than it really is because it just HAPPENS to me. I'm patient, and I've been letting him do his warming up to me emotionally thing that guys do. I mean, it's not like he has a bunch of chicks on speed dial or he parties with any women around here or anything. It's just him and software dudes, everywhere you see. I would think that he would feel lucky and happy that I'm giving him a chance, but to the detriment of my pride he just seems confused; guarded and self-concious even. He says he really likes me and want to be exclusive and tells people we're dating, yet is freaked out by the term "girlfriend." That's getting to me too. He also brought up that in Indian cultures, affection is usually not displayed and having a girlfriend is a BIG deal...a more than dating someone for just a month thing. I'll give him some slack there, then. SIIIIIIIIGH. *eats noodle* I thought most Indian cultures have arranged marriages.
Zeegagge Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I know it sucks that he said he wanted to meet you originally and then didn't, esp. considering you were getting ready and looking forward to it, however... Having been cheated on and having gone through some hard times myself I know how truly painful it can be, and how having a friend there is really the only thing that helps. He probably called his bro to make sure he was alright after he talked to you and found out he wasn't alright and decided to help. This is a good quality he has. Some of my bro's have been there for me hardcore recently and it has truly saved my sanity. Just a thought. Don't dump him over this. Just tell him to make sure he schedules some time for you and soon! Make him take you to a nice dinner or something.
tkgirl Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Yeah, expressing my unhappiness at the moment is often times very difficult for me to do; I'm going to have to work on it. I need to get more of a backbone, as completely embarrassing as it is for me to admit. I'm a strong woman, but you'd never know it by this post. I swear, I'm holding out for mad-on-the-spot next time this happens, which I'm sure it will. Hey, maybe God sent me this guy to train me to get pissed off on the spot when I'm upset! When you have trouble expressing your emotions at the very moment you feel them, the problem is always amplified by casually bringing it up later, and it's especially stupid sounding if it wasn't even that big of a deal but you would feel mad if you didn't bring it up SOME TIME. You know, not that I've had this epiphany I'm kind of not as upset. New goal: Don't clam up when someone pisses me off. Gosh, wish me luck. yep... I was like this too.... too easy going but then I'd kick myself about it later. There's nothing wrong with being the "cool chick" but we tend to get taken for granted after a while... and flakes like your guy usually don't change. If I were you I'd pull back a little bit... start doing your own thing and not be so available every time he decides he can fit you into his schedule. He may just come around... if not, know that you deserve better... don't put up with this crap anymore.
hats Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) This sounds totally like something that would happen to me (as the guy). He called you but cancelled 10 min later? I would have had no idea that you'd be so upset... I wouldn't have thought that was much time to look forward to it or for you to even change. I sent him this: "I feel bad for (friend). I hope he's okay. Maybe I will see you next week...we'll see." He wanted to see me next week, but I threw a maybe out there. I hope he reads into it to step it up a notch. If he's like me, this will not work at all. Wayyy too subtle. Maybe he'll take a sec and go huh? and then most likely never think twice. I think a lot of guys wouldn't consider this a big deal. I wonder what you girls would have done in his situation. Edited February 28, 2010 by hats
aroll32 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I agree with you hats. I really don't see this as being that big of a deal. I personally would have helped out my buddy before going out to a bar. Even though you are important, his friend needs him more than you do right now. Think about it, his friend is going through a really tough time. I might have invited you to come over, but that's just me. Don't cut this guy off, he seems like he is a good guy for helping out his friend. Just take it easy, I know you're frustrated but I'm sure if you tell him you were upset about it (casually, not too harshly) he will apologize and want to see you.
BellaMoon Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Text him this: "F*cker." Of course you should let him know it bothered you. Not as if he's responsible for your feelings, but more like you need him to respect you. It's important that you feel comfortable calling him on things, whether he thinks you're justified or not. And don't feel unloved. I love you. That's the best comment I've read in a long time!
BellaMoon Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 AU what this guy is doing is simply giving you a preview of the coming attraction. He is managing down your expectations, that is your expectations of him being considerate, respectful, etc. I don't understand why this guy even gets another chance to stand you up. I never give second chances to guys who stand me up. It is totally unacceptable and a sure deal breaker. I mean their mother would have to be dead or something. That is so true. "He's managing down your expectations...a preview of the coming attraction." Never heard it that way before. That's a keeper statement to share with friends for sure! Great message.
D-Lish Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I know what it's like to play it "cool" and then feel slighted after the fact. The resentment keeps building and building, then you start kicking yourself for not playing things differently. The problem with playing it cool, then retreating and showing anger or resentment an hour or so later, is that you unknowingly step into what guys consider crazy behaviour. I would lay low tonight, sleep on it, then revisit the issue tomorrow when you have a clearer head. The bottom line is that it was crappy to cancel on you last minute like that. You might want to consider going into cold shoulder mode. Not in the sense where you ignore him- but I wouldn't be so available to him until he makes you more of a priority. Others are right- don't set the respect precedence so low. I think everyone gets one free pass- but he needs to know you won't put up with him making a habit of this in the future. Talk to him about this with a clearer head- but I'd wait for him to reach out to you since he did the cancelling.
Author Awesome Username Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Thank you guys so much for your responses - they really have helped me a lot. I hate to say this Hot Carl, but I'm REALLY glad that I didn't blow up on him the other night. Apparently he is still with his best friend who is STILL devastated about his girl. I mean, he loved her with all of his heart and he is a mess right now. What happened was what exactly someone described here - he wanted to see me, and THEN he just got the news about his friend (and roommate) being cheated on. When I got the whole story from both of them, I thanked the Lord that I didn't pull a fit at the moment. After realizing how out of it and devastated the friend was, I think it was a legitimate excuse. If my friend was sad like that, there is no doubt in my mind I'd put off a man in order to be with her for a few days. I'm seeing it as admirable, now that it's in perspective. That is not to say that I'm not going to react on the spot next time when I should...I'm still going to completely keep that in mind so I don't do what D-Lish said and come off as crazy when all I want to do is be heard. Also, if I would have started raising Hell I might have gotten a better idea of the story instead of coming to conclusions and getting all super pissed in secret because I was too chicken to figure out what was going on. Thanks. I'll update again when I'm super confused about something, which will probably be soon. LOL! Heart, AU.
tkgirl Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Thank you guys so much for your responses - they really have helped me a lot. I hate to say this Hot Carl, but I'm REALLY glad that I didn't blow up on him the other night. Apparently he is still with his best friend who is STILL devastated about his girl. I mean, he loved her with all of his heart and he is a mess right now. What happened was what exactly someone described here - he wanted to see me, and THEN he just got the news about his friend (and roommate) being cheated on. When I got the whole story from both of them, I thanked the Lord that I didn't pull a fit at the moment. After realizing how out of it and devastated the friend was, I think it was a legitimate excuse. If my friend was sad like that, there is no doubt in my mind I'd put off a man in order to be with her for a few days. I'm seeing it as admirable, now that it's in perspective. That is not to say that I'm not going to react on the spot next time when I should...I'm still going to completely keep that in mind so I don't do what D-Lish said and come off as crazy when all I want to do is be heard. Also, if I would have started raising Hell I might have gotten a better idea of the story instead of coming to conclusions and getting all super pissed in secret because I was too chicken to figure out what was going on. Thanks. I'll update again when I'm super confused about something, which will probably be soon. LOL! Heart, AU. hey AU... yeah, going into crazy mode is never a good idea! I have to say though that I find it a bit odd that he is still too busy hanging out with his friend (albeit his roommate) to see you now... do guys really do this? I mean, ok, so he's being a really good friend but what about you? Did he make plans to see you again soon? You should be that important to him too... I just don't want him to take you too much for granted.
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