on to a new thread...

[PhoenixRise]

no, this is not my H at all. pre-A he was the type of husband women dream of. he quit going to MC because he didnt like it and then he fell apart. at first after the A he would be what i considered "appropriate." now he is hard and cold. he is an angry, irresponsible, arrogant, abusive person to everyone he comes in contact with, at times even the kids.

 

i feel responsible for this, and so this is another reason why i try with him. i need to help him get better.

 

 

I think what you said to your H about backing off until/unless he is willing to talk to you without name calling is wise.

 

Your H is incredibly hurt and betrayed right now. Just as you are remembering what a great and loving Husband he was before dday, HE is also remembering what a great and loving H he was before/during your affair. From his perspective, he loved you, treated you well, was a good husband/father, built a good life with you.....and you went out and stabbed him in the heart and disrespect him in the worst way. I don't blame him for being angry and cold right now although the name calling and behavior regarding the children is inappropriate.

 

This is just conjecture but I think his not being willing to contribute to anything financially says that he absolutely believes that the affair is ongoing and he does not want to contribute to your life with your boyfriend.

 

He doesn't believe you that the affair is over and in a way he is right. You are not sleeping with OM or even in regular contact with OM but for you it is not over.

 

I will tell you something else. After you find out you have been betrayed by the person you trust the most you start paying attention and LOOKING for evidence in what they say and do (body language) in a way that you didn't before. He knows what you are NOT saying MBEG.

 

It took more than a few months after I separated from my H in the wake of his affair for me to be READY to try to forgive or attempt to reconcile. A lot of actions had to happen on his part before I was even willing to listen to his words.

 

Can you talk to someone your H trusts..someone he will listen to and get them to suggest he get IC. IF this behavior is totally different than his normal behavior then he needs help coping with this. His life has blown up in his face..of course he needs help.

[anne1707]

people whoever said her H is abusive...tell me 1 reason why he has to trust her now or ever with what she is saying him....then write happy ow replys

 

Not an OW but a former WS

 

And I agree he has no reason to trust her now but there is absolutely no justification whatsoever for him to take his anger out on the children.

[bestplayer]

A very understandable fear. Or he may feel that you are only trying to reconcile because of guilt.

 

If you are to do this MBEG, you need to be absolutely sure that it is what you want with no regrets about the ex-MM. It will be hard no matter how sure you feel but as good as impossible (and wrong for both you and your H) if your heart is not truly in it. Your H will also be doubting you so he is putting up these barriers to protect himself from potential pain.

 

thats true , its actually the fear of pain .

so mbeg if u truly want to reconcile with ur husband , he needs to see u as a person who is sure of her love for him & would never leave him for mm .

it may be the person he knew before ur affair ,

[fooled once]

Yup...here's your problem. You still WANT/PINE/LOVE/THINK ABOUT both men. But you can't have both anymore. You MUST choose one of your options (which I agree with btw): the OM, your H or no one. YOU must choose. Failure to do so leaves you here. Wanna know why your life is stuck...you AREN'T moving. Still cannot decide. Still cannot choose. So you spin in circles uncertain of your direction. Pick. Or do not.

 

In one of my first replies to you months ago I told you to pick and you must do so now. It still holds true. You pick one option and you throw caution to the wind and go for it.

 

Lovely. Here we get all the things you CAN'T do. How you can't quit...how you can't go NC...how you CAN'T demonstrate (in drastic action) you want your H TO your H. Given all the stuff you "can't" do...no wonder your stuck.

 

Let me ask you this...after your D is final (its coming), do you think your work environment will be any better? DO you think these issues of your OM creeping in your life will go away? How do you propose to handle it then?

 

Then that's the price you pay. If you CAN'T change it, find a coping skill.

 

Exactly what are you trying to achieve?

Because all I see is a WS doing NOTHING to save the M...oh, you TALK the good talk but what do you actually do? Can you list out the overt and verifiable ACTIONS you have done to prove to your H you are worth a second chance (in his eyes)? OR is the only action "talking to your H" (and he shouldn't trust your words - I suspect he doesn't) and you moved out (where he envisions your OM over at will).

 

It boils down to actions. Forget your words and his. What ACTIONS have YOU done?

 

Time and space. Sadly, you choose to NOT create the space. The same way you recover from other loves.

 

Well...lets think about option one. If you love your OM (and you do)...why not file for D and try and build a REAL R with him? Why not slowly begin to work on the trust issues, date and see what develops. Why "get over him"? Do a 180 and move TOWARDS him. But there's a problem isn't there.

 

You would have to D your H and you aren't WILLING to commit to that either. Man, its getting old typing that. So - you gotta pick a course of action and run with it...no matter your choice you're taking a risk.

 

Basically BEG...you're Hamlet. And, as a reminder, it didn't end so great for him, Queen Gertrude, Polonious, Claudius and a few others I can't remember when Hamlet couldn't CHOOSE to kill or not not kill Claudius.

 

Choose.

Or not.

You are making this SO hard on yourself. Needlessly.

 

Let me share MY choice. And yes, I paid a HEAVY price for it.

After I learned my xWW had secretly resumed contact with her OM...I faced a choice. Now, I had just eaten a 90K pay cut, was building our dream house and drove a 100k Porsche 911. I could stay in the M, and keep all those material things because of my WW's salary. I would have all the trappings and comforts and maybe slavage the M - or pretend to.

 

Or.

 

I could leave. And in so doing, lose my car, the house, half my possessions, half the savings, lose time with my two under 5 kids...basically, lose everything I worked for in my life.

 

I thought about it for maybe a day.

 

I filed for D. And yes, I lost my car. And the house I never set foot in. And I see my kids only 50% of the time. And the emotional turmoil led me to get laid off and go on unemployment. And I lost about 90k CASH. All I did was lose. Some of the darkest days of my life.

 

Not so motivational is it? Not really helping you? But wait.

 

I gained something SO precious I would lose it all again.

 

PEACE.

 

I moved into a small 2 bedroom cheap apartment, gained acceptance into a PhD program (Accounting) and went back to school. Took out loans (yeah 30K in debt...no, not really yeah). And begin to rebuild. Went to therapy...sent my kids...dealt with one angry bitter WS (still do)...It took almost 18 months.

 

And now...

 

Just landed a sweet job two days ago. Have a nice 2 bedroom apartment now. Met a great woman who puts ME first and understands where I am emotionally. Its SO awesome to have someone be thoughtful TO me.

 

Peace and happiness.

 

BEG...you must choose. And no matter what you choose you will "lose". And its gonna suck. Nothing you can do to avoid that now.

Look, I told all this because I KNOW how hard it is to choose. But NOT choosing is WORSE. Not only that...you suffer during this indecisive phase and STILL must choose. You add misery of the indecision on top of suckiness of what you choose or have chosen for you.

 

No matter what...you have an even darker tunnel waiting for you. Like I said, no avoiding it now. So standing around dreading going through it only adds to the misery. Choose...and walk. Enter the tunnel (its gonna suck dear).

 

I promise you one thing...the tunnel will END. The sun again will shine on you. You WILL be happy. It may and will likely take months, years to get there.

 

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Pick.

If you pick the OM...max effort into it and start by filing for D.

If you pick your H...max effort and start by quitting.

If you pick neither...file AND quit.

Take your first scary tentative steps into the tunnel.

You'll make it through.

 

Excellent post. I wholeheartedly agree with every word.

[fooled once]

I am confused -- about a week or two ago, you were posting about how down you were, crying and unable to function and then said your H had the kids and you were alone.....

 

Yet now you are saying he isn't seeing them?

 

 

Maybe the best way to handle the visitation is with you and he meeting at a central point and swapping the kids? Maybe him coming to the house reminds HIM of all that you have done? I DO understand his anger -- he hasn't worked it out in the best way yet, but you haven't worked out your feelings for the MM either, have you? You are still dwelling on him and all, and yet your H is suppose to just open his heart again? MBEG, I truly hope and send you good thoughts that you can finally make a stand on many things.

 

I do understand the need to keep your job -- but didn't people at work know you and he were in an affair? So they should know you two aren't in one now, right? IF someone brings him up, tell them you would prefer to NOT hear about him or surround yourself with people who you know won't bring him up to you.

 

Fix you, like GEL said, and then things will fall together. I think alone is the best choice for you now since you can't move on from the MM.

 

You are on a new chapter in your life - MAKE IT what you want it. Don't ever settle for less again! GOOD LUCK!

[awkward]

IMO neither is the best choice for now. Focus on yourself and your kids.

[jennie-jennie]

You are on a new chapter in your life - MAKE IT what you want it. Don't ever settle for less again! GOOD LUCK!

 

But I don't think MBEG felt she had settled for less during the affair. I believe she was happy having both the marriage and the affair, although she know feels it was wrong.

[PhoenixRise]

But I don't think MBEG felt she had settled for less during the affair. I believe she was happy having both the marriage and the affair, although she know feels it was wrong.

 

I agree.

 

MBEG has posted before that she would have been happy to be the OW to this MM forever. She has also posted that she loves her H and never wanted to leave the Marriage.

 

From what I can tell she doesn't feel she settled for less in the affair. She is upset that what she had in the affair didn't carry over into dday.

 

She was happy having both.

[moaningmyrtle]

Not an OW but a former WS

 

And I agree he has no reason to trust her now but there is absolutely no justification whatsoever for him to take his anger out on the children.

 

Not (and never) an OW either but a BW.

[moaningmyrtle]

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

 

Was that me you meant? I must admit I haven't checked but it could possibly be me.

 

All my threads started in the first few months were in Infidelity, just not as Myrtle.

[whichwayisup]

I believe she was happy having both the marriage and the affair, although she know feels it was wrong.

 

Ofcourse she was, and so was the MM. Their plan was to keep the A going forever.. Until they got caught.

[pureinheart]

no, this is not my H at all. pre-A he was the type of husband women dream of. he quit going to MC because he didnt like it and then he fell apart. at first after the A he would be what i considered "appropriate." now he is hard and cold. he is an angry, irresponsible, arrogant, abusive person to everyone he comes in contact with, at times even the kids.

 

i feel responsible for this, and so this is another reason why i try with him. i need to help him get better.

 

I'm not quite sure how to explain this properly, although it seems if this was hidden, meaning the abusiveness....you or the situation did not "cause" him to be abusive. There are unresolved issues other than his R with you...

 

It might not be possible for you to do this, he is the one that needs to get real....I really think he has some deep rooted issues that surfaced with the A, I really don't think the A is the root.

[pureinheart]

I know you don't want to paint a bad picture of your H, although I am really glad that you communicated what is going on with him.

 

While it is true that taking responsibility for our portion is important, not just for the OP, although for us too....BUT all we can do is take responsibility for what is ours, not someone elses...

 

Clarity will come and the fog will lift, it's just really hard right now....

[moaningmyrtle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennie-jennie

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

Was that me you meant? I must admit I haven't checked but it could possibly be me.

 

All my threads started in the first few months were in Infidelity, just not as Myrtle.

 

As it turns out it wasn't me as I have at least one thread in Infidelity started as Myrtle.

 

But to answer the question and address the implication.

 

All my early posts were to Infidelity where I was seeking answers about the situation I was facing and my H's infidelity. At that stage I was not interested in the motivation of the OW or in analyzing the nature of affairs, how they start and how they continue.

 

We are now making good progress with our marital rebuilding and I have come to want to know the whys and wherefores.

 

I get the perspective of some of this from my H, but I can't really get from him much about the motivations etc of an OW. There is no better place to get this than from an OW forum.

 

Maybe I'm just making excuses, or maybe I'm obsessed as you suggest, but I still have a need to try to understand. I am slowly coming to some conclusions and have noticed certain patterns in As and certain "mindsets" of OW. They are not all the same but there are some broadly similar characteristics. I also notice that a few OW want to know the mindsets of BW so in return I give that out, when I think it might be useful. I imagine that some OW might also notice certain "types" of BW. Perhaps also classifying us into broad "types" with similar thought patterns.

[pureinheart]

Will the real Scorp please stand up!...I wanted to reply to your post so I am thinking you got banned again....What are we gonna do with you?

 

Anyway Scorp, because I saw your reply...

 

This is meant in "general" terms. If I don't trust someone, then why am I with them? So that I can get them back, meaning payback is a "B", I'm gonna stay in what I don't trust so that I can make you suffer in some form?

 

It is never ok to abuse anyone for any reason.

 

Scorp you know you wouldn't do that....you know you would bow out, right?

[califnan]

the job thing simply isnt an option unless i A. wanted to move away or B. took a job doing something completely different. I have my masters, I make a fair amount of money. The only problem is, that i work in public office. Thats what my degree is in. And unfortunately unless I switch political parties or move to another congressional district I am stuck working in my current place of employment. i dont work for MM anymore though, i switched to working in the office of another representative.

 

To quit all together would be putting myself and my children in a poor financial state. I think it would be a risky decision. I am unwilling to leave without a somewhat secure job. The market is bad. it could be months to years to find another job where i could make enough to support myself. I am the bread-winner for my family.

 

Here is my plan.

 

1. H - after even more developments and reading the advice here I am letting go until hes ready to try. I have decided to step back and told him we can only try if he is able to treat me respectfully and not use the fact that I'm trying as a means to punish me. As I write this today he again didnt show up to see our children, has yet to provide an ounce of financial help. I will see my attorney monday to get some sort of agreement in place. he has been using my A as an excuse to let go of his obligations to his children, the bills etc. this part has to stop.

 

2. MM - again like I've said before I'm out until the D is final. i guess i could hear him out, but im not ready to do that yet and not sure if i even want to. this option just needs some time to play out.

 

i would be lying if i said i wasnt very sad and distraught over this. i am sad over how my life has fallen apart. i have guilt over my H and my children. i wish i could go back to life before the affair. i really really miss it. i cant help but remember what it was like when my only problem in life was what to cook for dinner. thats also a big part of whats got me so down. i had it all, and now it seems i have nothing.

 

Well .. I'm happy ! You have a Good job.. and you are self supporting - and that is a Great start !

 

Gently, and as inexpensively as possible, try to get the child support for your children, from your husband - that you are entitled to - And pray for your husband's hurt ... and forgiveness..

 

You have a very busy life as a working mother with a good job. If you have free time - just do fun frivolous things with your children - and creative or exercise things for yourself ... And Let things Fall into Place with these two men.

 

Personally, I think you are off to an excellent start mbeg ..

[pureinheart]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennie-jennie

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

 

 

As it turns out it wasn't me as I have at least one thread in Infidelity started as Myrtle.

 

But to answer the question and address the implication.

 

All my early posts were to Infidelity where I was seeking answers about the situation I was facing and my H's infidelity. At that stage I was not interested in the motivation of the OW or in analyzing the nature of affairs, how they start and how they continue.

 

We are now making good progress with our marital rebuilding and I have come to want to know the whys and wherefores.

 

I get the perspective of some of this from my H, but I can't really get from him much about the motivations etc of an OW. There is no better place to get this than from an OW forum.

 

Maybe I'm just making excuses, or maybe I'm obsessed as you suggest, but I still have a need to try to understand. I am slowly coming to some conclusions and have noticed certain patterns in As and certain "mindsets" of OW. They are not all the same but there are some broadly similar characteristics. I also notice that a few OW want to know the mindsets of BW so in return I give that out, when I think it might be useful. I imagine that some OW might also notice certain "types" of BW. Perhaps also classifying us into broad "types" with similar thought patterns.

 

Hi MM...I am possibly using your quote to communicate what I have wanted to for some time, and was not able to in the past due to anger and sarcasm on my part.

 

This is a very difficult issue and mostlikely the OM/OW is the most contraversial forum on LS, at least this is the one I see most of the discord with.

 

One solution would be to start a sub-forum, or split this forum up...those that want out and those that want to stay in, possibly this would give the distinction needed, drawing a line on some level to where those who truely want to help and be effective in the process of understanding (such as yourself and others).

 

Possibly a few sub-forums...such as "understanding the BS/OW/OM"....

 

This by any means is not meant to be uncool to you MM....just a general observation concerning this forum as a whole...BTW sorry for the tj...

Edited February 28, 2010 by pureinheart

[moaningmyrtle]

Hi MM...I am possibly using your quote to communicate what I have wanted to for some time, and was not able to in the past due to anger and sarcasm on my part.

 

This is a very difficult issue and most likely the OM/OW is the most contraversial forum on LS, at least this is the one I see most of the discord with.

 

One solution would be to start a sub-forum, or split this forum up...those that want out and those that want to stay in, possibly this would give the distinction needed, drawing a line on some level to where those who truely want to help and be effective in the process of understanding (such as yourself and others).

 

Possibly a few sub-forums...such as "understanding the BS/OW/OM"....

 

This by any means is not meant to be uncool to you MM....just a general observation concerning this forum as a whole...BTW sorry for the tj...

 

I hear what you are saying.

 

I do wonder thought if breaking the OW/OM forum into sub-forums might defeat the purpose of the forum as it might then narrow down the perspective of posters thus limiting advice and discussion to people only of like mind or in a very similar situation. OTOH it's not "my" forum so I guess other people might view it differently.

 

I would rather not see the Infidelity forum broken into too many sub-groups for that very same reason.

 

I think this might have been discussed before in another thread devoted to that very topic, but I don't remember the outcome, if any.

 

Food for thought though.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm not quite sure how to explain this properly, although it seems if this was hidden, meaning the abusiveness....you or the situation did not "cause" him to be abusive. There are unresolved issues other than his R with you...

 

It might not be possible for you to do this, he is the one that needs to get real....I really think he has some deep rooted issues that surfaced with the A, I really don't think the A is the root.

 

Very interesting observation, pureinheart. I figure this is like it is when you are married to an alcoholic: whatever you do, you were not the one who lifted the glass of alcohol to his mouth.

 

This is meant in "general" terms. If I don't trust someone, then why am I with them? So that I can get them back, meaning payback is a "B", I'm gonna stay in what I don't trust so that I can make you suffer in some form?

It is never ok to abuse anyone for any reason.

 

I like this post also, pureinheart. You do know what you are talking about when it comes to abuse.

Edited February 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennie-jennie

I have noticed this to be true about some BSs as well. For example, I looked at the profile of one BS and every thread she had started was posted on the OM/OW forum. What does this mean in their case? That they are obsessed with the OW rather than dealing with the aftermath of infidelity?

 

 

As it turns out it wasn't me as I have at least one thread in Infidelity started as Myrtle.

 

But to answer the question and address the implication.

 

All my early posts were to Infidelity where I was seeking answers about the situation I was facing and my H's infidelity. At that stage I was not interested in the motivation of the OW or in analyzing the nature of affairs, how they start and how they continue.

 

We are now making good progress with our marital rebuilding and I have come to want to know the whys and wherefores.

 

I get the perspective of some of this from my H, but I can't really get from him much about the motivations etc of an OW. There is no better place to get this than from an OW forum.

 

Maybe I'm just making excuses, or maybe I'm obsessed as you suggest, but I still have a need to try to understand. I am slowly coming to some conclusions and have noticed certain patterns in As and certain "mindsets" of OW. They are not all the same but there are some broadly similar characteristics. I also notice that a few OW want to know the mindsets of BW so in return I give that out, when I think it might be useful. I imagine that some OW might also notice certain "types" of BW. Perhaps also classifying us into broad "types" with similar thought patterns.

 

MoaningMyrtle, you are one of the BSs I respect for your true desire to understand and research what goes on behind the surface of affairs. We have talked about this you and I, and I believe both of us have the same main motivation to be on LS, to engage in satisfying discussions about a subject that has touched us in real life.

 

The discussions are LS' strength, that and the variety of love triangle participators (WS, BS, OP). It is too bad though that you need such a strong skin to be able to survive here as the OW still in an affair.

[dannie19]

I've been trying to follow this thread and I can't, there is a lot of confusion.

 

Would it help you to look ahead (maybe a year down the line) and imagine where you want to be and how you want things to be (work, children, homelife, everything) and then work backwards (ask yourself how do I make that a reality). There is no way to know which is the best option, especailly if you make a choice which relies to an extent on other people so maybe you need to rely on yourself and your own judgement and desires (obviously from what you write you are very capable). We all will always be saying 'what if I 'd done this or that instead of....' so maybe you just need to visualise a future and commit yourself to getting there, that way you are at least moving in a direction and taking positive steps rather than stuck in limbo going round in circles and as you move forward new opportunities and will arise. I think you should have some faith in your strength and the difference the passing of time will make.

 

As for the work situation, well I am also dealing with this and also can't leave my job. So just keeping my head down, it's bearable so far and so will your situation be if you know you are working towards a brighter future you can smugly smile on the inside whenever you see him.

 

Hope I am not adding to the confusion with this!

[skywriter]

Well said dannie!

 

...and I would have to agree with that.

 

I think this is originally what MBEG posted is that everything is leaning

towards her being alone and working on herself.

 

In the end, this is what it all comes down to, even in a perfect relationship. It's a lesson that every individual has to accept at some point in life and allowing ourselves to accept it helps us to evolve into healthier, stronger and even more attractive people.

 

Maybe then we can have a more fulfilling relationship.

 

Oh...and Jwi, I am so happy for you, your post was very encouraging.

[bestplayer]

I'm not quite sure how to explain this properly, although it seems if this was hidden, meaning the abusiveness....you or the situation did not "cause" him to be abusive. There are unresolved issues other than his R with you...

 

It might not be possible for you to do this, he is the one that needs to get real....I really think he has some deep rooted issues that surfaced with the A, I really don't think the A is the root.

 

 

pureinheart are u saying that the way op's husband is behaving is because of some other deep rooted issue lof him & not A ?

 

Its so evident here that the issue is the fact that after all this mess op's faimly is going through she still has MM as an option & keeps analyzing about the possiblities with him , thinking about the terms & conditions that mm needs to fulfill , only then she can go back to mm , she hasn't shown her husband that now she isn't ever considering going back to mm and in reality she hasn't done it , she hasn't moved on & she doesn't want to move on from her MM.

 

It isn't really possible to concentrate fully on working out with ur husband , If u r spending so much enrgy on how , when & why of mm , his wife , his divorce too

 

so u r just being ignorant if u attribute his now behaviour as his some past issue . ( except his being irresposible toward his kids which isn't acceptable & i agree with u on that ).

 

honestly her husband must be fool if he believes her that she wants to work out while in her heart still she doesn't want to move on from mm & deoesn't want to consider mm as history .

[silverplanets]

thank you for all of the responses on my last thread. good, bad, indifferent. it has given me TONS to think about.

 

as far as making a choice, this is how i view it.

 

1. MM - hes not a choice for me right now or possibly ever. i couldnt consider it until the divorce is final and no chance of him ever going back. even then...i still dont know if i could ever forgive, forget, trust. im marking this one out.

 

2. H - this is the best option for me. what I am attempting to do. but in reality its not working that great. i think i will stick with this choice and try my hardest until i feel i have given it all i can stand. because in my mind if theres even the slightest chance then its worth the struggle to get there.

 

3. no one - this will most likely be the end result. im ok with that. not what i want for my children at all. but over half of the children in this world survive this.

 

but that leads me to where my issues still lie and where theyve been the entire time. no matter what option i choose, i still have the thoughts of both men and am experiencing deep pain because of it.

 

NC. It is the answer right? but i havent been able to achieve this. i dont contact him at all and do not respond to his contact. i cannot quit my job. there are no other offers right now, and with the HUGE possibility of being a single mom i have to stay employed to be able to support myself and my children. so i do have to hear about him.

 

i dont see him at work anymore. but...he somehow seems to creep in. i can block his emails and texts. thats not really an issue as theres only been one. i can avoid people who know him, but eventually i will hear something or see him somewhere.

 

NC with H. i dont want it. it would defeat what im trying to achieve.

 

so how do i make myself not have feelings for this OM? how do i turn it off? i must admit that even though i didnt respond to his email it sent my head spinning. if i wouldnt have heard it from him, it would have eventually gotten back to me that he was divorcing and have the same effect.

 

so how do you force yourself to get over someone? how do you turn it off and make your heart not feel it?

 

(and moving far away isnt an option either. both of our families are here, H is here, i couldnt take the kids from him)

 

Hi MBEG,

 

Just some random thoughts ...

 

first in relation to your 1,2,3 list of points about what you feel/want ... I am very proud of you ... you appear to have worked out a way forwards in principle and it seems to be about you and your needs ... even in the case of your H you are acknowledging that it might not work but you are choosing to give it time .... the key thing for me is YOU are making the choices ... and these are no longer determined by other people's pulling of your strings ...

 

secondly, onto the bit I've outlined in bold ... I can only offer my personal view here and that is that you don't need to turn off your heart and make it go away. You have feelings (let's call it love) for your xMM .... don't deny yourself the existence of those feelings otherwise you're going to go loopy ... you have those feelings and you won't be able to just turn them off, so why screw yourself up trying.

 

With my xMW when I went NC I said to myself "OK, I love her and I miss her" (so much so that I was unable to sleep etc) BUT at the same time I was 100% clear with myself that I did not want any contact with her.

 

So I found I could accept that I loved her whilst also accepting that my choice was not to have any contact with her.

 

It didn't make the withdrawal symptoms any easier but it DID mean I could break the link between missing her and needing to contact her. I found I could say to myself "yes I miss her" and "yes I am not going to contact her" ...

 

I therefore didn't need to fight that battle. When I needed to cry I cried, when I shook trying to sleep then I shook, when I needed to be alone I was alone etc etc etc .. none of this meant I needed to contact her though ....

 

Of course, there were times when the feelings seemed to demand contacting her, but i found switching the pc off (or posing on LS) took away that immediate need ...

 

Parallel with this I pre-planned loads of things to keep me busy (or at least to have something to look forward to in a week or two)

 

My absolute last resort would be to say to myself "ok , I think I've decided to contact her, let's see if I feel the same way tomorrow about it ... and then tomorrow I would always say to myself, ok, how about I see how I feel in a week) .. and again the pressure went away.

 

It doesn't take very long before you notice that the strength of the "drive to contact them" diminishes slighly .. just a little bit, but enough to realise that it;s getting better not worse.

 

You've already seen some of this ... look back at your first posts and see how "urgent and immediate" every emotion is driving you ... now look at your recent posts and see how you've began to take time to process the emotions a little slower, listen to your own thoughts and even get input on your choices before you put them in to action.

 

Even in this post you are asking how to reduce the intensity of your feelings for xMM .. you are ACTIVELY SEEKING a way to manage yourself through the next stage ...

 

This email from him may have sent you into a "spin" but it did not cause you to let go of all your needs and just go running back to him with open arms and puppy eyes ... how strong are YOU !!!! you're a hero !!! Did you REALLY think you'd get even this level of control over your responses to him.

 

So pat yourself on the back and realise that you can, and will, choose to take other steps that will further demonstrate your ability to maintain your boundries and self.

 

A really important one for me was actually being able to look them in the eye and say no to them trying to get me in to bed ... because I knew my boundry was no to her as a MW .. When I did this my self confidence went through the roof ... :)

 

So, a much shorter answer, how do you switch them off. My advice is don't bother .. just accept them but also accept that you are not going to act on them.

 

Time and your own increasing clear headedness and confidence in yourself will naturally cause their intensity to subside.

 

Be safe

Chris

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Chris,

 

this was an amazing post. it spoke to my heart, and i really felt like i "got" what you were saying. i cannot tell you how motivating your words are. thank you for sharing your thoughts.