4givrnt4gtr Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 So I have recently ended my "rebound" sort of FWB situation because, quite frankly, I can do better than being with someone just because i want attention and I didn't event want to get involve in that to begin with. However, While the "friendship" lasted I was able to go through days without obsessing about the ex and how much I miss him. Though I still did, specially when the friend did things that made me cringe and then made me compare him to my ex. Still, I thought I was moving along wonderfully, and I was on the road to recovery Well, how wrong I was. Ever since I stop talking to that guy, Ive missed my ex like crazy. It just all came back with a vengeance, and its quite painful. I then realized that all I did was postpone facing the inevitable part where I have to face the fact that my ex is gone, where I have to face how painful it is, and THEN slowly truly get over it, without using anyone to distract me from the pain. Its so discouraging because I cheated my self from being able to throw myself all the pity parties I wanted to, which would have been appropiate, at the begining of the break up, with the support of my real friends. Now, 6 months later, when I seemed to have been handling it fairly well til now, it would be ridiculous for me to go back to stage 1. So now i get to do it all by myself. Awesome. I think it also struck me how easily we can fool ourselves, and then be slapped in the face with the reality of "sorry sucker, you still got ways to go. So yeah.....dont do the rebound technique....it's just gonna extend the pain in such an unnecessary way Tears
firefight Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 You were split up for 6 months? Was the rebound/fwb going on the whole time?
Patrice Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I just got a GREAT book on how to carefully avoid getting sucked into another bad relationship ... not quite sure what happened to yours ... It's called Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins Take your time, I did the same and I'm sitting quiet for awhile. You need this time to heal yourself and not fall into the trap of another bad relationship.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Well see it wasn't supposed to be a rebound...it actually was not supposed to be anything more than friendship as it had been for the previous 7 years. At first we were basically each other's shoulder to cry on since we were both dealing with a break up. But eventually the lines got blurred and we would often become physical with each other. When I broke up with my ex I was adamant about being single for a while, settling down and figuring out what is it that I'm giving out that attract men that cant commit for whatever reason. The guy that became a rebound had been one of my best friends for years and I knew I didnt want any type of relationship with him. Unfortunately somehow he didnt think the same and though I tried (and he insists he did too but honestly I dont believe a word) to avoid us getting physical it happened and it just became 3 months of fighting the whole thing and failing miserably until I had enough and cut him off my life for good. (Which answers your question firefight, no it wasnt for the whole 6 months, just the last three) Anyhow, Yeah I agree that I NEED to be alone for a while.....but what surprised me is how fresh the pain for my ex boyfriend feels now that I am not fighting off my friend (and my own internal struggle of liking the attention but knowing its not what I needed).....
brwneyedgrl3333 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 4givr, Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time now. You are spot on in why you are feeling what you are though and unfortunately...the need to heal from a loss doesn't exit left or right when we try and fill the void. It just waits around inside somewhere , ready to pounce when you aren't anticipating it. I've been there after a relationship ended years ago and man, did I learn the hard way! It was very painful and seemed harder to heal NOT having dealt with the breakup right away, at least in my experience of past breakups and I'm an old fart of 46! I DID learn a valuable lesson. Thank you for sharing this story as I think it will help ALOT of others on here who believe if they just fill that sad, lonely void with another body, all will be well....it usually doesn't quite work that way. Hoping that you are feeling better soon!!
Arabella Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Seems like you're experiencing the same as my ex did. Apparently he hooked up with some girl a couple of weeks after we broke up. He treated me like hell during this time and said some quite hurtful things to me. Their arrangement ended a few weeks later and he came back recently telling me how much he missed me, how he wanted to work things out...However, knowing he's slept with another woman, I don't want to touch him with a 10 foot pole anymore. Rebounds are a bad idea for more than one reason. Not only do they interfere with the coping process, but you're also basically preventing the person you're rebounding with from finding someone who can truly give them their all, and not just their bodies. But don't despair: you're on the road to recovery now! It gets better. You have to allow yourself time to grieve like you should have. Arabella
health Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 So I have recently ended my "rebound" sort of FWB situation because, quite frankly, I can do better than being with someone just because i want attention and I didn't event want to get involve in that to begin with. However, While the "friendship" lasted I was able to go through days without obsessing about the ex and how much I miss him. Though I still did, specially when the friend did things that made me cringe and then made me compare him to my ex. Still, I thought I was moving along wonderfully, and I was on the road to recovery Well, how wrong I was. Ever since I stop talking to that guy, Ive missed my ex like crazy. It just all came back with a vengeance, and its quite painful. I then realized that all I did was postpone facing the inevitable part where I have to face the fact that my ex is gone, where I have to face how painful it is, and THEN slowly truly get over it, without using anyone to distract me from the pain. Its so discouraging because I cheated my self from being able to throw myself all the pity parties I wanted to, which would have been appropiate, at the begining of the break up, with the support of my real friends. Now, 6 months later, when I seemed to have been handling it fairly well til now, it would be ridiculous for me to go back to stage 1. So now i get to do it all by myself. Awesome. I think it also struck me how easily we can fool ourselves, and then be slapped in the face with the reality of "sorry sucker, you still got ways to go. So yeah.....dont do the rebound technique....it's just gonna extend the pain in such an unnecessary way Tears Well I hope you heal. I my ex rebounded 3 days after our break up. Not giving a chance for us to work it out. I went through alot of pain. Her Mom told me she would yet at him saying that I would never do things like that. She called me up to 6 months after the last I spoke with her. She just kept calling, I remained no contact. Rebounds are healing relationships...they help - but when they end alot of times the pain is double what it could havebeen originally - Is what I read. I am now like 10 months nc...I feel alot better...I have had 2 little healing relationships - but it was just that to heal....they say when you attempt to make a rebound long term..it can get really messy. Anyhow. I hope you heal, and meet someone right for you.
health Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 4givrnt4gtr - you seemed to know alot about rebounds in this thread in 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155589/ ..I was looking up rebounds....and then got in one. It's wild how that happens. I wanted to know...did you leave your boyfriend for this guy? Regardless..your making the right move in healing now.
bananaboat11 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I was a in a rebound with a girl whom I thought was falling in love with me. It hurt so much when she dumped me over facebook and let me know I was nothing more than a comfort for her while she was lost... sad... depressed... and the only good part of our relationship was the sex, so she let me know after telling me she used me and that I should NEVER contact her again. Over it now.. ~ 5 months later, but 5 months ago.. I probably would've hated you. I have never, nor would I ever use a woman to find self-satisfaction. It's gross. I know people do it, and in THAT moment, I have no respect for them.
Rearden Metal Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I'm going to take this advice and fight the rebound relationship. Although, I think I need to date so I can just get out and do things. I just don't think it would be fair to myself or anyone I dated to really get involved while I still love my ex dearly.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 4givrnt4gtr - you seemed to know alot about rebounds in this thread in 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155589/ ..I was looking up rebounds....and then got in one. It's wild how that happens. I wanted to know...did you leave your boyfriend for this guy? Regardless..your making the right move in healing now. Funny cuz the guy i was speaking about back then is the guy I rebounded with after all. (not for the same relationship though....) No i didnt leave my boyfriend for him, God no. I loved my ex but he just wasn't in the place to return that love so I had to let him go. This guy friend had been in my life for a very long time, and though Ive tried to deny it I got the feeling he has just been waiting on the wings for his chance. Unfortunately after this past relationship I was really hurt and sad, and ofcourse my friend's support and just him being around all the time (and inviting me out for drinks!) led me to getting physical with him. I didn't want a rebound at all, and I wouldn't have done it had I been sober all those times. I had to cut off my friendship with him because I finally accepted our friendship had ended a long time ago.
nobmagnet Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Im so sorry for you. Not only have you put yourself back to square one you have also lost a good freind too. Its a good lesson for us all to learn. Rebound relationships and affaires rarley end up happy ever after. I tried dating. It bothered my head deeply. Very hansome, good job ect but i couldnt cope with the whole "will he ring? will he text?..............I realised early on I was by no means ready and maybe never will be. The time we spend on ourselves is vital for healing and self improvement, to involve ourselves when the time isnt right can be detrmental to our healing. However the need to fill a void of love and passion is overwhelming at times and it is hard to resist replacing what we have lost with ..........he/she will do. I am in a happy place. I am content with having a blast with my mates when I can and doing as I please. im sorry for your pain but as other posters have said you will only improve now and life will defenatly get better. all the best Nobby xx;)
jlr Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I know how it feels, and it's why I've kept off jumping into bed with someone else. There's this girl I was going to ask out, but I stopped myself from doing it. I go from happy she's gone, to angry, to extreme sadness. I just watched Shutter Island and a scene with DiCaprio and his wife, with the words "You have to let me go" made it all hit home. I have to let her go, but it's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I'm right there with you. Letting her go is the hardest part. Letting go of what we had is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And...I'm not 100 % there yet.
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