changeisgood Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 My life has been as tough, and as easy as anyone's could be. I want things to be easy, and essentially happy, but I don't seem to be able to create it with my spouse. .......... Here is my long story....... I got pregnant young and got married young, in that order. I am now the proud mother of great kids, but i feel like i am cheating them out of a "happy family life". I have been essentially a single parent for most of our entire marriage...because my H works all the time, and when he is not working he is playing... I can name his 4 different (expensive) hobbies. I also worked full time. I run the HH, all the chores and the bills, and the kids. I never saw my H and when I did, it involved dinner for him or laundry or something of that nature.I didn't have any hobbies of my own at that time. I was ready to leave about 10 years ago because I figured I could do this on my own (I practically was anyhow) but a close family member passed away unexpectedly and made me re-think "LIFE". I chose to stay because I felt selfish, and I could learn to love my life... it was pretty good afterall. So I quite my high paying Job, gave up my licenses and stayed home with the kids, it was what we both wanted. We had another child and again what we both wanted. I was a complete mess- three years were a blur. We upgraded our home (which we are now stuck in because we couldn't sell it for what we owe even if we tried) and I had to go back to work, at a low paying entry level position because "our" hobbies were getting out of control. If that wasn't enough we both knew things were bad between us... one night about 5 years ago I was asked to join my H and "swap" with another couple. I figured since I had no feelings left for him anyway that I would do it. I was horrified at the scene I was involved in, the three of them telling me it would only be one time and I would like it... serious peer pressure. Well at the end of the day I left their little party without joining in and I don't know what happened, although I can guess. After that night my contact w/ my H got to be less and less, I found a hobby of my own, which led me to meet someone new. Before I knew what I was doing I had an affair and my H found out about it over email. UGGGHHH! Horrible. I felt awful for causing that kind of hurt in another person, especially one I had basically grown up with. Since then we have gone to councelling, and tried to be civil with each other but it keeps getting worse. Yelling at night when the kids are around, name calling on his part when the kids can hear. I am worried about my kids' health. I want to end things; I feel he is a good person deep down and deserves to be happy-he just isn't good with me. He wants to stay together because of what we will lose ($ invested in the house, stable family atmosphere) He has since tried everything to make sure I know he loves me and nothing of our past will ever happen again. He really is trying but I have nothing for him... nothing! I just need some advice on what to do. Do I push forward and save my kids from disaster home or swallow my own feelings and pretend like I have done our entire marriage. I feel like such a B!! sad...
Brooke79 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Whoo, crossroads of rock and hard place. My best advice to you is to definitely see an MC. I don't know how to even begin with advice, sorry. I just wanted to let you know we were listening. I hope you can find some valuable advice and guidance.
feelingfine Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Sounds like no fun at all! My husband left us (me and 3 kids) about 9 months ago to go live his life. Ya, he had someone else. Nice after 16 years of marriage. I am in the big house NOT wanting to be here as we built it as our dream house, but like you...it wouldn't be worth trying to sell it with the market as it is. Plus, its good for the kids to be where they know. He also was not around much...working all the time, in and out of town. Had drifted apart...he with his job and me raising the kids and keeping up the household. Our stories are a bit different, I didn't have a choice, he left/abandoned us. You have the choice. It is very hard for me and the kids to not see dad/stbx very often. If you can try and work out your issues it would be better for all of you. Just try...if it doesn't work, at least you can go away saying you did all you could. something I read once was..."how do you want to look back on this time two years from now?" You don't know now how you will be in 2 years but do it with dignity and respect. Good luck!
mimidarlin Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Change, Wow! The thing that really get me is the couple swapping. I don't think that I should judge others behavior as long as they are consenting adults but I just don't "get" the mentality. So that is a red flag for me. You aren't emotionally close and haven't been for a loooooonnnnnggg time. It seems that individual counseling would be good for you to try to sort through your feelings. It sounds like there is a lot of anger on both your parts. Your trying to be "civil" to each other. He was verbally abusive in front of the kids. A controlled separation with counseling might be useful. It could give both of you time to think with less pressure and animosity. I wish you the best. You say that deep down he is a good person who is unhappy. I would bet that you are also a basically good person who is unhappy. Both of you deserve to be happy and so do your kids. That may not be possible as a one family unit though.
Author changeisgood Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Thank you all so very much for the advice... it definitely helps to verbalize what has been happening. I don't understand the mentality of the couple swap either.. that was my breaking point. WE have tried the MC already because i did want to do all I could and he was open to it surprisingly... except it only lasted 5 sessions. All i could think of was what a waste of time and $$$. It was deja vu of every conversation and complaint we ever had...met w/ the same resistance from him. The personal counselling is a great idea. I will try that and see what comes of that. I do have one question ..what is a controlled separation (as opposed to just a separation) and how does that work for the kids?
Author changeisgood Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 So the latest news... He wants to keep the house, its his pride and joy and I obviously didn't put as much into it as he did. So his suggestion was for us to get a realtor to find the "current value" and then for him to possibly keep the travel trailer because its worth far less than what we could sell it for... like that is the sacrifice??!!! I am just venting but WOW I guess I do need to protect myself.... though this is a community property state I make less than a third of what he does and could never afford to keep any of our "assets". wth?
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