madmoggy Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Married 7 years with no kids I have hurt my wife very deeply. I haven't abused her physically, or emotionally (at least not intentionally...) and have never cheated on her. But I did something that she will never be able to fully forget or forgive. I must stress this does NOT involve child porn, and basically is a fantasy that went out of control and way over the line. It has destroyed our lives and things will never be the same. We now realize I have an issue which needs some serious therapy to help me. The problem is, the damage is already done. She has already spoken to a therapist on the phone for advice and, as soon as we get the money/insurance sorted I'll be going......for the rest of my life probably. She will also need to see a therapist as a result of this. However, even if the therapist says that there's nothing to worry about I don't know if she'll ever be able to see me as the person she loved and thought would protect her for always. I think I went too far for this to be fixable. My wife also doesn't think I can look after myself (a whole other issue...) and pretty much admitted the only reason she didn't kick me out at first was because she didn't think I would be able to cope on my own. She says she doesn't want me to leave now, that she's going to look at this as a mental illness which resulted in the "badness", and will hopefully trust me again if she knows I'll be in therapy and getting it sorted out. I'll also need to change other aspects of my life too. Of course, I intend to do all of this and more. I feel like I spent the past 12 months in a horrible alternate world and this has woken me up to what I had become - and I never intend to go back there. I personally don't see how she will ever be able to look at me the same way again and that she deserves so much more than I can give her. We had some other issues a few months ago which eroded a lot of the respect she had for me. I think I should get out of her life and don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for how much I've hurt her. But I only have a part-time job right now (and the job market is tough) and wouldn't be able to support myself until I got something better. Also, I have to get this issue sorted out or it will just mess my life up again down the line - so should I take the view that she should help me through this as I would help her through hard times? Isn't that what marriage is about? She says this is what she wants to try, that she will stand by me and try to come to terms with it......but her eyes tell a different story - they're screaming at me to get the hell out of her life and that she doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm convinced that the only reason she is staying with me is because she knows I would currently have no options if she kicked me out. So she's stuck with me. However, it's only been 3 days since this all came to the surface, and of course she is still in shock. Maybe I have to give it time. I don't know what to do. Stay and work it out....or get out of her life and lift the burden from her. Thanks for reading.
CM2009 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Well bro first thing is that you admitted your mistakes and your seeking help for your problem so I give you cred for that, to answer your question hell no you don't leave. That is your wife and you love her, thats what marriage is about sticking with each other despite your problems. She obviously loves cause she would have kicked you out if she didn't but bro just stay with it and work it out just give her some time to come around. God bless you and your marriage!!!
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Backstory OP, were any humans or animals harmed by your recent issue? Given your backstory, I'd probably end the M and get some good counseling in the process. Sounds like a lot of stuff to deal with. Hope it works out for you
tinktronik Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 There are some reasons to end a relationship. Without knowing what the issue is I can't speculate on your specific situation.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Yes, I agree with CM2009. Don't run away. Stay and stand up to what's going on, face this challenge in your marriage. In the end, don't you want to know that you did your part to right things and you didn't just walk away in shame? Don't leave on your own. Be strong. There are so many opportunities for you right now to grow, and hopefully to grow together. Best of wishes!
Author madmoggy Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Backstory OP, were any humans or animals harmed by your recent issue? Given your backstory, I'd probably end the M and get some good counseling in the process. Sounds like a lot of stuff to deal with. Hope it works out for you Thanks for posting the backstory. Very interesting to me as I had not read that since the last time I posted there. I can see how I was in denial.....my wife's anxiety problems are true enough, but my "mental issues" (which I didn't really touch on...) certainly made the situation worse! The rest of it was me just looking to escape a situation I didn't know how to handle....one of the reasons I went "over the edge" most likely. Also, things got a lot better after I posted that thread - we were getting somewhere on the sex issue and had been the happiest we'd been in a while.....then 3 days ago, BAM, she discovered something that instantly destroyed everything. Anyway, no humans or animals were harmed at all in this problem - although my wife has been emotionally shaken to her very core. I'm afraid I cannot repeat what it was I did - even the thought of it makes me sick. All I'll say is that I "used" her in a fantasy that has shattered the way she sees me, and has now twisted the way she sees others in her life in the most horrible way. Yes, it WAS just fantasy, and I'm sure lots of us have fantasies that would shock their partners if they found out. Well she DID find out, and it's probably right up there with the most disturbing things she could imagine. And, no, it wasn't a rape fantasy. It didn't involve children or animals. That's all I'll say.
You Go Girl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 My gosh. Is this getting blown out of proportion? You had a fantasy. It involved your wife. Just how horrible is that for a wife to take? Ok, maybe the fantasy was a little out there, weird, whatever. But did you hurt anyone? Did you physically touch anyone? Everybody's mind is racing reading this post. It's very difficult to understand w/o the details. Not going to press for them. You've stood by your wife through her difficulties sexually. She's upset right now, but she's offered to stand by you through this too, as I understand it. Just be honest and open with the counselor, and have her see the counselor with you when the time is right. My H hides a porn obsession. It is very disturbing to me because he seems to think it is a game with me to hide and lie to me. But if you come clean and just say the truth (no gory details necessary) but that you yes have fantasies sometimes that she might find odd, is that really the end of the world? NO, it isn't. Just respect her and be honest. Now that's what I don't get from my H. Respect and honesty go far in a relationship. It's how people heal.
floridapad Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Maddoggy, NOTHING is beyond fixing but ONLY if you both want to fix it and truly understand that it will take time, perseverance and fortitude. You will have to take the lead though. You will have to show her you are rectifying your issues and let her know you will respect whatever decisions she makes but you are determined to do what it takes to get beyond this. It's times like these that separate the men from the boys. If she wants to get through it she will. Give her a reason to want to get through it. Support her when she wants it but don't smother her at all. Don't go over board with the "I love yous". What you did is obviously personally disturbing to you and your wife. You WILL personally get through it if you go to therapy educate yourself and get in touch with yourself. Your W has her own battle to get through this. If she wants to be with you she will get there. First and foremost, I think you need to show her that you can take care of yourself so that she doesn't feel guilty about leaving if she so choses. Whatever it is that makes her say this, your actions need to change to show her otherwise. Good luck. Focus on yourself and be there for your wife.
Author madmoggy Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Thank you all This has been a real wake-up call for me and I am determined to make the changes needed to make this relationship work. I am realistic enough to know that this will take time and there is no quick and easy fix - but I have never felt so determined about anything in my life! Right now I feel like I don't deserve my wife in the slightest - but at the same time I know that this is the moment I have to step up and become the man she deserves. Thank you all so much G
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