threebyfate Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 As some of you may have read, I've decided to take time off work, beginning at the end of March, until after Bump is born. After Bump is born, I'll decide if I want to work then or not, at any given point. This means that I won't be pulling in any work-related income for at least 4 months, if not longer, possibly for perpetuity, albeit I can't imagine perpetuity happening. I think I would go insane. So, what we're grappling with, is who will pay for everything, during this time. H's pride and sense of obligation, wants to support the family. My pride and sense of ethics says no, I can afford to take care of my share. It would be easy if Bump's future wasn't already secured, since I would just dump my half into a trust fund for him. But that's not an option, since it's already been taken care of. If I fold, it feels unethical to me. If he folds, it feels wrong to him. I've asked around to family and friends and the majority think I should fold to his wishes. I'm willing to do this for his pride's sake but it feels wrong to me, from an equality perspective, especially since we've got domestic help, so my portion of the responsibilities will be negligible. And no, we won't be getting rid our our help. It's a done deal. And no, we already both support multiple charities, so charitable contributions aren't a consideration. Can anyone else come up with any other possible compromises, which will meet both our needs? I'm frustrated and stumped. If this was guaranteed a short-term scenario, I could eat it and fold, easily.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Why don't you let him support the family day to day and you pay for the extras? Vacations and such. Boy I aspire to be in your situation!
hotgurl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I just have to say congrats. geez I must have picked the wrong profession I am lucky to make ends meet. I agrees with CG let him pay for the day to day and you pay for the extras. Plus every now and than you could splurge on a thank you for being a great hubby gift.
Author threebyfate Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Thanks for your suggestions. The vacation idea is a must. While paying for extras is a great idea, if it's bound into his house, it could potentially muddy our post-nup agreement. Please try not to focus on our financial security level. We've both lived moderate lifestyles and continue to do so, saving for that rainy day. I've personally always ensured that the future was taken care of, including a family, one I might personally have to support. So saving was important. And now that it's become a reality, it's not panning out the way I envisioned it to be, where I would be self-supporting. Stupid in so many ways, to be stuck in that mode and yet, I can't seem to break out of it.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 While paying for extras is a great idea, if it's bound into his house, it could potentially muddy our post-nup agreement. Things tied up with the house never dawned on me. When I said extras I was thinking dinners out, theater, subscriptions to the opera/ballet/whatever. While you won't necessarily be able to achieve true equality between you - those extras can be very important to both your relationship and bumps mental health! We can come up with oodles of things to spend it on if you like.
Author threebyfate Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Things tied up with the house never dawned on me. When I said extras I was thinking dinners out, theater, subscriptions to the opera/ballet/whatever. While you won't necessarily be able to achieve true equality between you - those extras can be very important to both your relationship and bumps mental health! We can come up with oodles of things to spend it on if you like.He's got a number of hobbies which require subscriptions, so yes, I could pay for those, as well as mine and any couple forms of subscriptions/entertainment! These are great ideas. If you have any more suggestions, plse post them!! We've both been boycotting the Olympics and our pro-hockey team. Don't ask...haha... But maybe this year, I could get a pair of seasons tickets for the 'Nucks.
Star Gazer Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 It would be easy if Bump's future wasn't already secured, since I would just dump my half into a trust fund for him. But that's not an option, since it's already been taken care of. I don't know what this means. If his future wasn't already secured, you'd dump your half of what into a trust fund for him? And when you say "since it's already been taken care of", what does that mean? Did you or H make his trust fund for him already? I guess I just don't understand whether Bump is financially taken care of already... because if he is, then the only concern would be money for your personal expenses... am I right? I'm willing to do this for his pride's sake but it feels wrong to me, from an equality perspective, especially since we've got domestic help, so my portion of the responsibilities will be negligible. In that case, I'd have to agree with you. If you're not contributing to domenstic responsibilities, you should contribute to the financial responsibilties (or vice versa). Otherwise, you're literally just a trophy. For some that would be okay, but from what I know of you that wouldn't be acceptable. I suggest splitting the expenses in a way that makes sense. I'd have H pay all the major expenses, and have you pay the more minor (or less frequent) expenses. For example, he pays the mortgage, insurance, car payments, etc. (assuming there are any), and you pay for utilities and food. Or he pays for what I said above, plus utilities and food, and you pay for ALL entertainment (vacations, movies, theater, eating out, whatever).
shadowplay Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 This is an interesting topic. I think I'd probably feel uncomfortable with not contributing if I were you as well. My bf said to me recently that if we get married in a few years he'd like to be the main provider. The idea immediately made me uncomfortable, and I'm not really sure why. I like the idea of being self-sufficient (even if I'm married), and it sounds like that's important to you too. Is he totally unwilling to back down on this issue? If so, I agree with others that the best option might be for you to pick up all the extra expenses. Will that give you a feeling of equality, or does it still not seem like enough?
silverfish Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Why don't you both work equal / pt hours after your maternity leave is over, rather than one being the breadwinner and one being the stay at home mother. I did this with when my children were small and it worked very well for both of us
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Bump's future is already taken care of, so it's only our personal living expenses that are on the line. Income also comes from investment income, as well as having sufficient savings to cover living expenses. Yes, shadow, he's unwilling to back down from this. He feels it's his responsibility as a man, to take care of us, when my work-related income stops. And yes, it bothers me for reasons of pride, fairplay and independence. Even partial contribution bothers me. silver, if I do go back to work after Bump's been born, it will be part-time to begin with. My work is project related, so I have the luxury of cherry picking the numbers of projects. Having said that, some projects end up to be all-nighters, due to unforeseen problems, when deadlines loom. H. would never work part-time. His work isn't conducive to part-time and he loves it too much. Thanks to everyone for your input.
allina Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I know you said you have domestic help but won't you be the one actually caring for the baby? Won't you be the one teaching him, feeding him, changing him and doing the millions of other things a baby needs? Maybe once you're providing for your baby for his non-financial/material needs it will give you more of a sense that you're contributing.
mem11363 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 That you have a fantastic attitude about saving and contributing. Actually you both do. There is nothing more beautiful than watching two people who are each adamant about being fair to the other. Just one thought on this - I would time box it and tell him that you are going to put your pride aside (I don't mean that is a critique - this type of pride is a great thing) and allow him to support you up until bump turns (fill in the date) - 1 year is a nice round number. If at that point you are still electing not to work outside the home you are GOING to fund that decision. There is a very logical basis for doing this - you are sacrificing your body for almost a year to provide him a child - as a man he feels very greatful to you for doing this. So let him care for you for a time period that you can live with. Bump's future is already taken care of, so it's only our personal living expenses that are on the line. Income also comes from investment income, as well as having sufficient savings to cover living expenses. Yes, shadow, he's unwilling to back down from this. He feels it's his responsibility as a man, to take care of us, when my work-related income stops. And yes, it bothers me for reasons of pride, fairplay and independence. Even partial contribution bothers me. silver, if I do go back to work after Bump's been born, it will be part-time to begin with. My work is project related, so I have the luxury of cherry picking the numbers of projects. Having said that, some projects end up to be all-nighters, due to unforeseen problems, when deadlines loom. H. would never work part-time. His work isn't conducive to part-time and he loves it too much. Thanks to everyone for your input.
allina Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Also TBF, the moment you chose to become a mother it stopped being all about you and your pride. It's now your responsibility to do what is best for your baby (not just financially).
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Don't know if you know about this allina but our domestic help is our nanny, who came to us early, from friends who changed their mind about how long they planned to keep their nanny. We took her on with open arms, since she was fine to do the domestic stuff, until after Bump is born. After Bump arrives, the plan was that she be the primary child-minder, with some light domestic duties. The balance would be taken care of by H. and I, since we already do the cooking/dishes and the heavier stuff, taken care of, by bringing in someone, once a week. Whether or not, she's still willing to do the lions share of the domestic duties afterwards, isn't something we've discussed with her. But this is a possibility, that we realign the responsibilities and don't bring in the weekly help. Thanks, this is something to reconsider.
allina Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 the plan was that she be the primary child-minder, with some light domestic duties. I did remember that, but I guess I figured that you'd still take on the role of primary care taker for the child. I'm not meaning to attack TBF, I'm just confused. Don't you want to care for this baby? I understand that you have a "child-minder" but aren't you having this baby so that you can care for it and raise it? Especially since you have the financial freedom do do so? :confused:
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 allina, we're keeping our nanny. This is a non-negotiable. I sincerely can't see myself as a SAHM, for the rest of my life or for that matter, even for years, so to let an excellent, highly recommended nanny go, then scramble for one, potentially a month after Bump is born, makes no sense to me at all. Now can we get back on-topic?
laRubiaBonita Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I did remember that, but I guess I figured that you'd still take on the role of primary care taker for the child. I understand that you have a "child-minder" but aren't you having this baby so that you can care for it and raise it? Especially since you have the financial freedom do do so? :confused: with all due respect....this is what i want to know too. i just figured since you have a nanny you would go 'back to work'. i really do not see TBF being encompassly satisfied if not. my thoughts are this- nothing has to be set in stone yet, come up with some guideline ideas, which can be modified as thing settle(after bump is here)- make some plans: 1. where you go back to work 2. where you stay at home 3. where you do part time work.... with the possibility of maybe going back full. 4. where he stays home and you back to work that way at least there is some sort of contingency plan for what you are stressed about..... plus- not to be miss pessimist- but what is something happens to the H? and he cannot provide the lifestyle you are all used too?
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 As our lifestyle is modest, if something were to happen to H., I would go back to work right away. Even without full-time employment, Bump and I would be fine. Keep in mind that we have universal healthcare, so no substantial medical emergencies will come up, unlike the U.S.
laRubiaBonita Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 As our lifestyle is modest, if something were to happen to H., I would go back to work right away. Even without full-time employment, Bump and I would be fine. Keep in mind that we have universal healthcare, so no substantial medical emergencies will come up, unlike the U.S. i known you are not in the US... lucky! but what about plans for all the above- plans that can be changed as need be? i am sure you have these- as you seem like the planner- BUT as you well know- shiznit happens, and then you rearrange.
Star Gazer Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I don't think I'm understanding. You're saying that your nanny will be the child-minder/raiser. But you're also saying you may never go back to work. If that's the case... with all due respect, what are you going to be doing?
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Can we get back on-topic?
laRubiaBonita Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 but what about plans for all the above- plans that can be changed as need be? Can we get back on-topic? this question IS on topic.
mem11363 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 If your nanny quits - you can look into hiring a wet nurse. As our lifestyle is modest, if something were to happen to H., I would go back to work right away. Even without full-time employment, Bump and I would be fine. Keep in mind that we have universal healthcare, so no substantial medical emergencies will come up, unlike the U.S.
Author threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 LRB, the topic is that H. wants to support us and I want to pay 50%. What plans are necessary? We have a nanny, so if H. dies or runs away from home, I can stay at home, go back to work part or full-time.If H. lives, we have nanny, so I can stay at home, work part or full time.If nanny dies or runs away from home, I can stay at home, look for another nanny and work either full or part-time.If I die, nanny and H. are still there, as well as both sets of parents, especially mine who are dying to take care of Bump.We've also got godparents lined up.All wills are taken care of.We have contingency plans for death or emergencies.Bump's financial future has already been secured.If our marriage collapses, we've got a post-nup, as well as ensuring that we don't co-mingle our premarital finances.
mem11363 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Stargazer, You will find that TBF conveniently pretends questions don't exist if she cannot answer them. For someone who claims to have every possible contingency mapped out - she simply denies the existance of questions that don't reflect well on her. She will not acknowledge your question any more than she responded to an inquiry about whether or not she would give up 3 of her own IQ points. I don't think I'm understanding. You're saying that your nanny will be the child-minder/raiser. But you're also saying you may never go back to work. If that's the case... with all due respect, what are you going to be doing?
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