Frustrating Love

[Primate]

Hi,

 

I am in a difficult 'relationship' right now for which I seek some advice and hope people here can help me with.

 

Four months ago during a vacation in Vietnam I fell in love with a wonderful girl who was working at a restaurant. Due to me being part of a tour group I had little time to get to know her so I asked her for her email address.

When I returned home I directly sent her an email and not much later she replied.

She was ecstatic about me remembering her and wanted to stay in contact with me, which was my intention too, of course.

I wanted to take it slow and get to know each other before letting her know how much in love I was since the day we met.

Long story short, the first 2 weeks of contact where great up to the point she told me she loved me. This made me feel so good about this girl that I told her I loved her too. However, during this time we both asked each other if either of us was in a relationship already, and because I am no liar I told her the truth, I told her I was married but I assured her that my marriage was going to end soon.

 

Soon after, all contact went downwards. Her grandmother died, she has to go to college and has a 5 hour a day job. I was there to support her during the tough times she had to endure but yet she gave me less and less attention and I grew more and more impatient and paranoid because of this.

I sent her countless emails, text messages, phoned her at times I thought she was available but only a small percentage of the times she responded to my attempts to contact her.

She was sweet though, always telling me she missed me and wanted me to be with her and such, when she did respond.

Up until the second week of January, I thought that this contact could still bloom into a relationship, but then she told me she wanted me to stop contacting her because she needed some time alone from everything that made her stress out ( incl. me I guess).

It took 3 (for me horrible) weeks for her to text message me again and that message hit me like a brick on a freshly laid egg.

She told me she wanted me to forget her and instead make my wife happy. She wanted us to be friends but at the same time never have contact again.

 

I was devastated. This came out of nowhere, but the key words in this message were her talking about my wife. I assured her countless times that my marriage was as good as over, that my wife and I struggled to stay together but failed because the chemistry was gone. Obviously, this didn't come across and now I felt like I was being punished for being honest.

 

I called her soon after and asked her why she did this to me. Long story short, I was afraid to lose her and panicked, cried on the phone and fell into a deep depression.

There was only one way I could think of to make her understand that I am serious about her, so I ordered a valentine gift package from an International Vietnamese Flower store which would deliver the gifts the next day I ordered.

When she received her gifts, she called me in a state of total joy, she was so happy and told me she cried when she got handed over the gifts. We kissed on the phone and spoke a little about our possible future and my heart was healed again..........for a short while at least.

 

During the next week all seemed well, I called her a few times, she even messaged me telling she loved me and that she had sent me a gift from Vietnam.

Last Friday though, I called her while she was at school during a test. She said she would call me back that same evening.

She did but unfortunately I was at home and my wife was around. Was that a problem? Well, even though I feel our marriage is over I still love and respect my wife, I don't want to make the situation worse than it already is, even though my wife knows I have romantic contact with this girl.

 

Anyways, I didn't pick up the phone but send her a text message that I wasn't able to receive her call because my wife was around.

She messaged me back that she wanted to tell me not to call or text her on her phone because her father would check up on her and check her phone often, but I could still send her emails and she would call me if she had the time. But she would get a new phone number next week just for me so I could still call her.

Also, because I told her my wife was at home, she told me to kiss my wife and make her happy.

This awakened some bad memories from the week before and I felt even worse times were coming, and indeed those days came.

Last Monday she text messaged me again, saying that like the last time, she wants to end our contact, she doesn't love me like she thinks she does but would want to stay friends, and she wanted me to focus on my marriage. I couldn't call her anymore and she would change phone numbers soon. She told me to be happy and be successful, and that was that for her.

 

I panicked again, I sent her 8 text messages asking why she did this right after telling me she loved me. I felt she owed me an explanation for this after all we have been through. In one of the messaged I asked her if this was about my marriage again and only to this message she replied;

 

" i don't want to make your wife sad. but if you think about me, I need 2 months to think about us, what we have done and the future. Please don't contact me, you can send me emails but please don't call me"

 

From Monday to Wednesday I felt totally ruined. Everything I tried was in vain, all the loving messages, emails, e-cards and even the gifts weren't enough to win her for me.

 

I have no idea what to do about this situation. I really love this girl, we have so many common interests and we were very attracted to each other the day we met. To me she seems like the woman I always dreamt of, but now I am losing her.

A couple of things where clear to me during our contacts though.

She was always very closed and secretive about her personal life. Sometimes she sounded a little afraid on the phone like someone was about to check up on her. And my marriage of course is somehow this is still a sensitive matter, even after all I assured her it wasn't going to be in our way.

 

My friends tell me to let it go, but sometimes you feel like you meet this really special someone you can't let go of, she is like that to me. I don't want to lose her but I feel I have used all my options.

I am no quitter but I’m in despair right now, I had no say in this, she wouldn't want to talk to me about the ' break up' and now she decides in 2 months what she wants, but what she wants can't be too good considering the last 3 weeks of 'down time' she needed.

Unfortunately, I feel that she is emotionally instable, insecure even and has a lot of stress because of her busy life and her bossy father so this makes it possibly too hard to fix.

 

Does anyone have some advice how to deal with this? I am grateful for anything that helps me in this situation.

 

Thanks in advance.

[zebracolors]

Sorry you're having to go through this.

 

I wonder though, when she said she wanted you to try and make your wife happy, She may have been or still be feeling hesitant because she in some way doesn't want to feel responsible for causing your marriage to ultimately end. Maybe its to do with her culture, though I'm not familiar with Vietnamese honestly. So maybe from that no matter how much you reassure her that your marriage ending didn't have anything to do with her, she might still be reluctant.

 

Also when she said her father checks her phone often, that kind of tells me that she has not said anything about you to the parents I would just guess. Again that may be due to culture, who knows maybe she knows Mom and Dad would never go for her being with a foreigner:(

 

I really don't know how you two can be together without causing some friction on her end just from what I gather, even if you're in the clear on yours. But again you need to find out if she trusts you, and encourage her to be honest with you. In the end, its all about what you are both willing to sacrifice and do to be together, if that really is what she also wants. I wish you the best and hope this all works out for you.

[Primate]

Thanks for the support,

 

Sorry you're having to go through this.

 

I wonder though, when she said she wanted you to try and make your wife happy, She may have been or still be feeling hesitant because she in some way doesn't want to feel responsible for causing your marriage to ultimately end. Maybe its to do with her culture, though I'm not familiar with Vietnamese honestly. So maybe from that no matter how much you reassure her that your marriage ending didn't have anything to do with her, she might still be reluctant.

 

Indeed, I do feel she thinks she is at least partly responsible for the end of my marriage, but no matter what I try she just couldn't accept it somehow.

I am a little familiar with asian culture, especially because my wife is from Asia also, so I know that marriage is highly valued over there. It makes me think that she might even believe that this might happen to her too someday if she would marry me.

But how can you assure someone that that shouldn't have to be the case? I'm at a loss.

 

Also when she said her father checks her phone often, that kind of tells me that she has not said anything about you to the parents I would just guess. Again that may be due to culture, who knows maybe she knows Mom and Dad would never go for her being with a foreigner:(

 

I asked her once if her parents knew about me and she said yes, but to my question if they approve of me, she never answered. This made me suspect that at least her father wouldn't approve of it, and I was right it seemed. I even had her father on the phone once but he hang up because he doesn't speak english. Her mother was around when she received my gifts and she told me she would buy a gift for me together with her mother.

It is so hard to get her to tell me what is going on. If only she told me, I could have accepted her difficulties and have patience for her to contact me, but now I feel that because of all the messages I sent and calls I made I got her into trouble.

 

I really don't know how you two can be together without causing some friction on her end just from what I gather, even if you're in the clear on yours. But again you need to find out if she trusts you, and encourage her to be honest with you. In the end, its all about what you are both willing to sacrifice and do to be together, if that really is what she also wants. I wish you the best and hope this all works out for you.

 

From my end there will be no problems, but unfortunately a lot is in her way to let her self go and be the girl I know she can be. I told her countless times I am there for her if she needs me for support, I told her I am open and understanding and everything she would tell me would be safe with me, but she never told me sensitive things about herself.

I lost my heart to her and feel she is in total control of where this is going( though I don't think it is her intention to control this) all before we could finaly meet each other again which I was planning to do within the next 3 months.

 

It's hopeless, so much potential and it is almost at its end of reasons I can't deal with.

 

Anyways, thanks for you help. I always appreciate a helping hand.

[Primate]

I have been thinking about extreme measures, as phone calls are obviously out of the question as either she has a new phone number already or she gets into trouble again if I would call her and would drive her further away from me.

 

Would it be a good idea to surprise her with a visit? I would just wait for her house or university and show my face to see if our 'relationship' still has fire to keep it going?

Edited February 26, 2010 by Primate

[hoping2heal]

If you are serious about ending your marriage, have you done that yet? Have you really taken the steps to get that out of the way?

[aerogurl87]

If you are serious about ending your marriage, have you done that yet? Have you really taken the steps to get that out of the way?

 

That's what I was thinking. Ok so what if you "love" her, maybe she was smart enough not to get involved with you while you were a married man. Are you separated yet? If so, ok that's understandable, but if not you need to make a move to show that you're serious about ending your marriage before pursuing her. No one likes to be the other woman (well few people do anyway).

[Primate]

If you are serious about ending your marriage, have you done that yet? Have you really taken the steps to get that out of the way?

 

Yes I am very serious about ending my marriage. Unfortunately I am struggling with guilt right now,simply because I am the one that wants to end it.

I love my wife still but not for the reasons one would stay with his wife.

I don't want to ruin her life so I try to come up with the best way for us to end this, but it is hard.

I know it has to happen soon as it obviously stands in my way of starting a new relationship.

[Primate]

That's what I was thinking. Ok so what if you "love" her, maybe she was smart enough not to get involved with you while you were a married man. Are you separated yet? If so, ok that's understandable, but if not you need to make a move to show that you're serious about ending your marriage before pursuing her. No one likes to be the other woman (well few people do anyway).

 

We are not separated yet, and even if we would divorce in a very short term, I think she would at least stay a while until she ( or I ) can start a new life without any (financial) troubles. I feel responsible for the well being of my wife so I think it is reasonable to give her all the support she needs from me until she can get by on her own.

I know this might be an obvious problem, but the fact is that it ends either way and it at least shows I am responsible and have good character. Never will I dump anyone without making sure they will be able to support themselves .

 

The trouble right now is that I of course can make haste divorcing my wife to show her it is really over, but that doesn't exactly change the situation I am in with this girl. Divorcing my wife next week and for example send her a copy of my divorce papers, seems to me more like a act of desperation. She told me she needs 2 months to think about us but in the mean time I have nothing to go by. I have no idea what she feels, thinks, plans. If only I could get her to talk to me and discuss this over the phone so she could tell me what she wants and needs from me, I can make a plan on how to procede. It is obvious that I need to divorce my wife for her to become part of my life, that is not the problem, it is more a problem of trust and understanding I guess.

[Rollercoasterr]

You need to leave your wife.

 

Obviously this girl that you're in love with has some respect for herself and wants no part in breaking up a marriage. Good for her.

 

And shame on you for trying to bend her will. You need to step up and be a man. Decide what you want to do, and DO IT. Otherwise, leave this poor girl alone, she's hurting enough as it is.

 

It's one thing if both parties are willing to have an affair, but she DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants you, but with no strings attached. So she's separating herself from you. If you love her like you say you do then you would do the things you are supposed to do.

 

Fish or cut bait. Leave your wife or leave the girl alone. This is your ONLY two choices. The girl has made it clear she will not let you have your cake and eat it too.

[Primate]

Thanks for the input.

 

You need to leave your wife.

 

I know.

 

Obviously this girl that you're in love with has some respect for herself and wants no part in breaking up a marriage. Good for her.

Indeed.

 

And shame on you for trying to bend her will. You need to step up and be a man. Decide what you want to do, and DO IT. Otherwise, leave this poor girl alone, she's hurting enough as it is.

 

I don't really get why I should be ashamed about "bending her will". I can't force her, but I can try to assure her that what I am planning to do is in fact going to happen. It is not like we can be together anytime soon anyways, and I need some time to finish my marriage. If only it would be so easy as to sign a piece of paper and be done with it.

I'm not making excuses, our situation is unfortunately more complicated than it might seem to outsiders.

 

If I could have put this " relationship" on hold without having to be afraid the love would wane, I probably would have done it, but in this case I fell in love with a girl and she fell in love with me too. We are not talking about a new model of car here which you can decide to buy some time later, this is a special connection I don't find often.

 

It's one thing if both parties are willing to have an affair, but she DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants you, but with no strings attached. So she's separating herself from you. If you love her like you say you do then you would do the things you are supposed to do.

 

I understand and I will.

 

Fish or cut bait. Leave your wife or leave the girl alone. This is your ONLY two choices. The girl has made it clear she will not let you have your cake and eat it too.

 

Obviously. It would have been so much easier if she would just have told me what she wants and needs from me before she could commit.

[zebracolors]

My friends tell me to let it go, but sometimes you feel like you meet this really special someone you can't let go of,

..our situation is unfortunately more complicated than it might seem to outsiders.

 

I know how that feels, more then might be apparent actually. I think Primate knows what he needs to do.

[hoping2heal]

Yes I am very serious about ending my marriage. Unfortunately I am struggling with guilt right now,simply because I am the one that wants to end it.

I love my wife still but not for the reasons one would stay with his wife.

I don't want to ruin her life so I try to come up with the best way for us to end this, but it is hard.

I know it has to happen soon as it obviously stands in my way of starting a new relationship.

 

Yes, it does stand in the way. Furthermore, guys who "say" they are going to end their marriage/want out but don't actually DO it just start to sound a dime a dozen at some point..you know what I mean? Like, if not now..when? You know? You may always have that guilt, you may never decide it's a good time or a good way to tell her, and you decide to stay.

I understand you don't want to hurt your wife but you are not loving her the way she should be loved - the way she THINKS she is being loved - the way she could be loved by someone else. Her best interest is to go off and find someone who can do that - however, I get the slightest sense that even though there is this new girl - you may not really be mind made up about leaving your wife EITHER.

[Primate]

I know how that feels, more then might be apparent actually. I think Primate knows what he needs to do.

 

Unfortunately, I don't. I've always been confused about my own emotions and get frustrated by the conflicting feelings. What do you think I know I must do?

 

Thanks:)

[Primate]

Yes, it does stand in the way. Furthermore, guys who "say" they are going to end their marriage/want out but don't actually DO it just start to sound a dime a dozen at some point..you know what I mean? Like, if not now..when? You know? You may always have that guilt, you may never decide it's a good time or a good way to tell her, and you decide to stay.

 

You are absolutely right, I can't deny that. But the things that keep me from taking the first step are more fears of consequences of the break up, not so much emotionaly because I plan to support my wife as long as she needs me. The troubles will be Financially, our dog I can't care for by myself, me losing my job soon and the study I follow I fear of neglecting because of emotions that will surely hit me.

 

I understand you don't want to hurt your wife but you are not loving her the way she should be loved - the way she THINKS she is being loved - the way she could be loved by someone else. Her best interest is to go off and find someone who can do that - however, I get the slightest sense that even though there is this new girl - you may not really be mind made up about leaving your wife EITHER.

 

Months ago we talked about our relationship and I told her I wanted to take my freedom, I wanted to explore what I have never looked out for before. We talked about where our relationship was going and it became clear that it was more or less a dead end.

So I told her that if she wanted she should just look for the right man who can give her what she needs.

But I feel she doesn't care for that. When she married me, she settled our love in her mind as permanent for the rest of her life. Her culture doesn't really alow divorce, and having visited her home country many times, I can see what that does to unhappy people.

I tried to convince my wife, us seperating is all for the better but I know she still hopes we will stay together. She tells me her life will be over as soon as I get a real relationship with someone else and that breaks my heart.

There are so many things I have done to make our marriage work in the past, but I finally gave up after 9 years and it has been dragging some more for the last 2.

We have nothing more in common so it has to end.

 

The thoughts I have about how our love started and all the happy times we had, run through my mind when I think of divorce. Also the images of her crying keep appearing when I think of it.

We never had any troubles besides the usual fight about rather unimportant things, we don't dislike each other so it is hard to end it just like that, and that is what what makes me struggle emotionaly.

 

But I know the divorce has to happen.............

[Primate]

I just found out " my girl" has changed her phone number. The only ways for me to be able to contact her now are through email ( which she seldomly reads), snail mail ( I've already send her 4 letters, of which none might arrive because her father could trow them away if he sees them first) and visiting her soon.

 

It is horrible, contact is minimal now and I'm supposed to wait for 2 months with no guarantee that she will contact me at all.

It starts to look like an impossibility but that is not what I want because I am sure a lot of what is happening to her right now is out of her control and I don't like to give up on her because of that.

 

What to do.......

[zebracolors]

I just found out " my girl" has changed her phone number. The only ways for me to be able to contact her now are through email ( which she seldomly reads), snail mail ( I've already send her 4 letters, of which none might arrive because her father could trow them away if he sees them first) and visiting her soon.

 

It is horrible, contact is minimal now and I'm supposed to wait for 2 months with no guarantee that she will contact me at all.

It starts to look like an impossibility but that is not what I want because I am sure a lot of what is happening to her right now is out of her control and I don't like to give up on her because of that.

 

What to do.......

 

My apologies, I didn't mean to presume anything. I was referring to how you at least seem sure that your marriage has to end first. However, for right now first thing I would do is to let yourself relax, don't let the stress and worry get to you. I don't mean to down play the situation at all but it can affect you negatively if you let it, like with loosing sleep, maybe job performance will take a down swing.

 

I have not said anything it but I know what you're feeling about being in a way powerless to make sure I can hold onto the one person that matters most to me right now. The situation is different but feelings are pretty close. In regards to your girl, at this point I think all you can do is just wait it out. I don't think an in-person visit would be a good idea right now either.

 

Seems like you're feeling a little guilt because you're not sure if the reasons you want to leave your wife justify being with the Vietnamese woman fully? And that if you take the step and make the divorce final, you really have no way of knowing if the other girl really wants to be with you. I know what thats like too, feeling like your in the dark sort of.

 

Your wife wants to reconcile the marriage, but you are not happy with her. In that way I agree with Hoping2Heal, that its going to be between you and the wife as to if she will eventually be willing to open her heart to another man who would love her. Thats something only you two can work out I'm afraid.

 

In the mean time, I hate to say it but you may be haunted with those memories that you and the wife have shared for a while, you'll go through all the things that made you love her in the first place, but you have let those memories fade because this is what you wanted and you're absolutely sure that the Vietnamese woman is really the one for you. If you make peace with those memories, the guilt will fade in time because you'll really be happy.

 

Hope I'm making sense, I really am concerned and hope things work out for you.

[Primate]

Thanks for the support Zebracolors, I apreciate it.

 

My apologies, I didn't mean to presume anything. I was referring to how you at least seem sure that your marriage has to end first. However, for right now first thing I would do is to let yourself relax, don't let the stress and worry get to you. I don't mean to down play the situation at all but it can affect you negatively if you let it, like with loosing sleep, maybe job performance will take a down swing.

 

Im trying but it is hard.

 

I have not said anything it but I know what you're feeling about being in a way powerless to make sure I can hold onto the one person that matters most to me right now. The situation is different but feelings are pretty close. In regards to your girl, at this point I think all you can do is just wait it out. I don't think an in-person visit would be a good idea right now either.

 

I think you are right. Yet the urges to call her ( at her work) or visit her, stay. Powerlessness makes we want to do this, but I know it can only make the situation worse.

 

Seems like you're feeling a little guilt because you're not sure if the reasons you want to leave your wife justify being with the Vietnamese woman fully? And that if you take the step and make the divorce final, you really have no way of knowing if the other girl really wants to be with you. I know what thats like too, feeling like your in the dark sort of.

 

A friend of mine said that I was staying with my wife so to have a lifeboat in case a new relationship is not going to work. I think you and he are both right. It is not that I use my wife, but I have never been alone before so it might be fear that holds me back. It's not fair to her though, so it should end regardless.

 

Your wife wants to reconcile the marriage, but you are not happy with her. In that way I agree with Hoping2Heal, that its going to be between you and the wife as to if she will eventually be willing to open her heart to another man who would love her. Thats something only you two can work out I'm afraid.

 

I guess, but I wish my wife had some more support though. She has a lot of friends but only I have been able to support her through difficulties and now the difficulties will be with me. If only it was easier.

 

 

In the mean time, I hate to say it but you may be haunted with those memories that you and the wife have shared for a while, you'll go through all the things that made you love her in the first place, but you have let those memories fade because this is what you wanted and you're absolutely sure that the Vietnamese woman is really the one for you. If you make peace with those memories, the guilt will fade in time because you'll really be happy.

 

I think you are right. Never has the end of our marriage been so close and only now these memories haunt me. Hopefully they will indeed fade in time.

 

Hope I'm making sense, I really am concerned and hope things work out for you.

 

Yes it makes perfect sense. I'm always happy to hear views from other people as it makes me think, and that is what I come here for. Again, thank you so much for your support.

[Primate]

Just adding some new developments. I was about to plan a vacation to Vietnam but I wanted to hear from "the girl" if she wanted me to visit her while I was going there, so I sent her a text message this morning saying that she needs to tell me if she wants me to visit her or I will go to her regardless.

Well......she send me a message back and told me to have fun in Vietnam but she doesn't want to see me again.

 

Whatever happened to her totally confuses me. I have no idea what I have done wrong and the whole 2 months she wanted to think about us was a big lie too, but I saw that one coming from a mile away.

 

I have been in this mourning mode for 2 weeks now so I was already getting used to the idea that this wasn't going to work so the message didn't hit me as hard as last time.

 

Unfortunately I want closure but I probably will not get it because she thinks she can get away with this because of the distance.

it didn't stop me from sending her 7 text messages about how I was feeling though, and I demanded (asked her politely many times before, didn't seem to impact her) an answer about why she ends this the way she does. I have put my whole heart in this girl and it's just too hard to forget about it without knowing why I have been shoved aside.

 

It feels like I have been played with, just a toy for the boring moments even though she always sounded genuinely loving towards me.

 

If only I knew if I did something wrong, I would learn from it and never make that same mistake again.

 

But for now it crushes the heart.

 

LDRs, more trouble than they are worth.

( yes i know, depression speaking now.)

[aerogurl87]

So let me guess OP, now you're gonna keep your wife around a little more till you find the next "one"? Am I right? You're using your wife and hopefully she'll wise up soon enough and go find someone who isn't always searching for that next relationship high. You're afraid to be alone, but you've just sealed your fate if your wife has any self respect. She's going to leave you and find someone else and be happy, while you're left alone. Because what goes around, comes back around.

[BettyBoop]

It feels like I have been played with, just a toy for the boring moments even though she always sounded genuinely loving towards me.

 

If only I knew if I did something wrong, I would learn from it and never make that same mistake again.

 

What you did wrong was trying to find a new love before you had fully separated and divorced from your wife and believe this sweet girl would be fine with you "trying the waters" with her before deciding. All along this road she has been feeling guilty about your wife since she kept mentioning you should kiss her etc. To me it is obvious she felt if you can do this to your wife - you can do it to me as well.

 

You have not been played with. Rather, you found a woman who respects her sisters enough not to want to put another woman through the pain and heartache of what she wouldn't want to endure herself if switched positions.

 

She put her own wants and desires aside for your wife's happiness. That is what she did.

[Rollercoasterr]

You don't know what YOU did wrong?? Really, that makes me want to .

 

You have A WIFE. YOU TOOK VOWS. You also broke them!

 

This girl wants no part of you, and I'm proud of her. I pity your wife and hope that she discovers who you really are and leaves you flat on your a$$.

 

You know exactly what you've done and that it was wrong, but yet you are whining about the fact that you don't know why she doesn't want to see you. If you're that thickheaded and still dont understand, just think of it like you've got an incurable disease(lying and unfaithfulness) and she doesn't want to catch it.

[Primate]

So let me guess OP, now you're gonna keep your wife around a little more till you find the next "one"? Am I right? You're using your wife and hopefully she'll wise up soon enough and go find someone who isn't always searching for that next relationship high. You're afraid to be alone, but you've just sealed your fate if your wife has any self respect. She's going to leave you and find someone else and be happy, while you're left alone. Because what goes around, comes back around.

 

Am I afraid to be alone? Sure. Whatever else you say, not so much.

Life isn't as black and white as some people make it seem to be.

I know what I do and what I should be doing but that doesn't change the fact that life is more complicated than you suggest it is.

[Primate]

What you did wrong was trying to find a new love before you had fully separated and divorced from your wife and believe this sweet girl would be fine with you "trying the waters" with her before deciding.

 

I am not trying the waters. My marriage is over no matter how long it takes to make it final.

 

All along this road she has been feeling guilty about your wife since she kept mentioning you should kiss her etc. To me it is obvious she felt if you can do this to your wife - you can do it to me as well.

 

I am fully aware that (some) people think like this, but trusting someone who never has done such a thing doesn't guarantee it will never happen.

 

You have not been played with. Rather, you found a woman who respects her sisters enough not to want to put another woman through the pain and heartache of what she wouldn't want to endure herself if switched positions.

 

Excuse me for saying this, but that is a load of BS. If I played the afair game behind my wifes back and pretended to still love her like I did when we married while not having told her what I am really doing behind her back, I maybe could understand such a stance. I can't right now because I have been honest to all parties including myself.

 

She put her own wants and desires aside for your wife's happiness. That is what she did.

 

Perhaps. But there was nothing to save so it's a waste of emotions.

[sweetjasmine]

LDRs, more trouble than they are worth.

 

You mean when you're a married man living in Europe who still hasn't left his wife, and the object of your affection is a waitress in Vietnam who you only saw in person once for a few minutes? Is that surprising to you?

 

Your perspective is extremely distorted.

 

Sh-t or get off the pot. Or find yourself a local woman who's okay with your situation. Leave "the girl" alone like she asked you to.

[Primate]

You don't know what YOU did wrong?? Really, that makes me want to .

You have A WIFE. YOU TOOK VOWS. You also broke them!

 

Okay, you sound very bitter, do you feel you recognize an old broken love in my story? If yes, i'm sorry you feel that way but i'm not what you have experienced in the past.

 

I didn't break any vows. My marriage is at a dead end and even though my wife still hopes we can fix it, she knows deep inside we aren't meant to be anymore. Vows be damned if a marriage doesn't work anymore.

 

This girl wants no part of you, and I'm proud of her. I pity your wife and hope that she discovers who you really are and leaves you flat on your a$$.

 

Critisism okay, I can deal with that, personal attacks and hateful wishes aren't something I take lightly.

You have no idea who I am so don't try to judge me by the limited information you have read about me.

 

You know exactly what you've done and that it was wrong, but yet you are whining about the fact that you don't know why she doesn't want to see you. If you're that thickheaded and still dont understand, just think of it like you've got an incurable disease(lying and unfaithfulness) and she doesn't want to catch it.

 

Wow, just wow. Spiteful and bitter. Does your LDR know you eat men who don't behave like you expect them to behave?

 

If there is one person who has not lied once in my situation, it is me! Unfaithfulness? Sorry, that word means nothing to me when I want to end my marriage for very good reasons, wether I do it now or in the near future.

 

Also, you seem to place much value in the ritual called marriage, forget about that for a change and see that it's nothing more than just that, a ritual.

Love between people can not be locked by some person at an altar

who makes you commit to vows. Love can be forever or it can not, you can't predict this when you just get married, don't delude yourself.