He wants to cheat on me.

[LosingBattle]

We've been together for 3 and a half years, and for the last 3 we have had tons of issues because he has a huge problem with my past. Basically he knows this guy I gave a BJ to, and hates that guy. He also knows that when I was single, I went out with my friends to bars, and we'd make out with guys we'd just met. No sex, just kissing, but still, he thinks it was slutty that I'd make out with guys I'd just met. It only happened two times but that was enough to make him think bad of me. I was a virgin, and lost it to him (I mean intercourse, since I had already given one - really lousy may I add - BJ).

 

Things have only worsened with time, he's obsessed but can't see it and won't admit it's his problem, not mine. Sadly I'm head over heels for him so I haven't been able to walk away. Sometimes I wish I could and others I don't, because he's such a great guy and he always tells me he wants things to change for the better. He's usually sweet but this week has been unbearable for both of us.

 

Sadly now he says he no longer feels as strongly for me, he says romatically he still likes me a lot but he doesn't love me, but he wants it to work. He's like bipolar about it. One moment he'll be all "I want this to work, I know you're the one, we can overcome this, I want us to be happy again". But then the next day he'll be like "Why did you do Y with X? Why were you such a slut?". And gets all angry. Now he said he wants to mess around with other women and that if I want to be with him then I'll just have to accept it otherwise we'll just break up.

 

I said yes because I doubt he'll actually go on with that. He's said that before and hasn't done anything. But I don't know, I feel so stupid for loving him so much and I honestly don't know WHAT is it that I did to deserve this? I've met real sluts who have had it easy in their relationships, no complaints from their boyfriends, etc. I've been 101% loyal and faithful.

 

It's sad 'cause he's a Psychology major and he doesn't realize how unhealthy his actions and feelings are! I understand retroactive jealousy exists and it's normal, but I just want him to understand how the extremes to which he has taken his feelings are unhealthy and abnormal. I don't know if there are any books or websites which can help him see it's his problem and not mine. Even a movie for that matter. I'm really desperate. He won't even talk about this with his family nor friends, I'm sure if he discussed this with other people they'd tell him he's being unfair.

Edited February 26, 2010 by LosingBattle

[PrettyinInk]

sounds indictive of an abusive, controling relationship. you need to care about yourself enough to get away from such a man. you are not a slut; don't let him make you feel like you are. you do not need to accept ultimatums.

he sounds rediculous and insecure, and i cannot wrap my head around the idea that he wants to cheat on you because a couple times before you met him or you were even together you kissed some guys in a bar?

 

love yourself and you will find someone worthy of your love, he is not the guy.

[single-n-lonely]

I agree with PrettyInInk. he shouldnt make you feel that way. he is just insecure. don't put up with that ****.

[Dexter Morgan]

We've been together for 3 and a half years, and for the last 3 we have had tons of issues because he has a huge problem with my past. Basically he knows this guy I gave a BJ to, and hates that guy. He also knows that when I was single, I went out with my friends to bars, and we'd make out with guys we'd just met. No sex, just kissing, but still, he thinks it was slutty that I'd make out with guys I'd just met. It only happened two times but that was enough to make him think bad of me. I was a virgin, and lost it to him (I mean intercourse, since I had already given one - really lousy may I add - BJ).

 

Things have only worsened with time, he's obsessed but can't see it and won't admit it's his problem, not mine.

 

I agree, its your past and its his problem. Maybe if your past included being a cheater I could see him not being all that jazzed about it.

 

But I have a question, do you still go to bars on girls' nights out? If so, I can sort of see why he may not be comfortable given how you admit you are in bars.

 

But if you don't because you are committed, then yes, its his problem and needs to let go of it.

 

 

Sadly now he says he no longer feels as strongly for me, he says romatically he still likes me a lot but he doesn't love me

 

boom, thats all that needs to be said, its time to bounce.

 

 

but he wants it to work. He's like bipolar about it. One moment he'll be all "I want this to work, I know you're the one, we can overcome this, I want us to be happy again". But then the next day he'll be like "Why did you do Y with X? Why were you such a slut?". And gets all angry. Now he said he wants to mess around with other women and that if I want to be with him then I'll just have to accept it otherwise we'll just break up.

 

you know what this almost sounds like....sounds like he is already cheating and justifying it in his own mind. Drop this guy.

 

 

It's sad 'cause he's a Psychology major and he doesn't realize how unhealthy his actions and feelings are!

 

its safe to say he is in the wrong major. He needs to be in politics.

 

 

I understand retroactive jealousy exists and it's normal, but I just want him to understand how the extremes to which he has taken his feelings are unhealthy and abnormal. I don't know if there are any books or websites which can help him see it's his problem and not mine. Even a movie for that matter. I'm really desperate. He won't even talk about this with his family nor friends, I'm sure if he discussed this with other people they'd tell him he's being unfair.

 

they'd be right.

 

Dump this guy and move on. He wants to cheat for gods sake and says you will have to just accept it if you want to be with him??? OH HELL NO!!!!

[reservoirdog1]

He's being a whiny, retroactively jealous little bitch. He needs to get over HIS PROBLEM. That's right, HIS PROBLEM. Not yours.

 

I got the impression that, although you were a virgin before him, he wasn't. And if that's the case, he has even less reason to foist HIS issue on you than he did before.

 

He's holding your past over your head, and he has no right to do that. He's threatening to basically "even the score" -- the problem is, there's no score to even. What you did before the two of you got together is your business, and you don't owe him an explanation or an apology for it. Your past is yours, and yours alone. If he can't deal with it and get over it, you should dump him.

 

And, reading your initial post a bit more:

Sadly now he says he no longer feels as strongly for me, he says romatically he still likes me a lot but he doesn't love me, but he wants it to work.

He wants to keep you around to have sex with you.

 

Dump him.

[lkjh]

Dumb him and stay away from him. If you stay with him he will destroy your confidence.

[jnj express]

Hey what you did B4 you met him---should have no bearing on anything, as long as you are not doing anything wrong now.

 

He doesn't own you, you are not his slave, the past is the past----he needs to get over his problem with your past.

 

If he can't you need to move on. One thing you are probably getting, is a glance at life with this guy in the future, as to how he handles things.

 

If he is like this now, while you are just dating, think what it will be like if you take vows.

 

This guy has serious problems, he could be controlling and abusive. There are way tooooo many other guys out there for you to love WHO DO NOT HAVE ANXIETY PROBLEMS. Run from this guy as fast as you can. You are lucky you are getting a taste of the future, and it ain't what you want for your one trip thru life on this planet.