Second Chance after Mutual Breakup?

[asteriskking]

Hey guys,

 

First time poster here, will try to make this brief:

 

My gf and I broke up just over a month ago. We were long distance for a year and a half. She graduated college and moved to LA in January where she's working her dream job. I'm still in Austin contemplating architecture schools. I applied to UCLA, but it's not my top choice, and I never really wanted to live in LA (although I've never really spent much time out there).

 

Anyway, when she decided to move to LA, I never really got over the fact that we didn't have a discussion about it. She saw the opportunity and pounced on it---which is fine! I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her to wait and see where I got into school (I won't really know until around April), especially if this had been a dream of hers. But it still hurt to know that my gf was potentially going to be in another city again, potentially making it another three years until we would have the chance to live together.

 

So things kind of deteriorated for a month or so, fighting over the smallest things (over the phone and over the holidays when we saw each other). Then one night, when she called me from LA, I lost it and said that I "felt like I was falling out of love" with her (which, in hindsight, is a terrible thing to say, and I didn't actually believe it to be true at the time, I was just very frustrated with the situation). Anyway, she lost it, I flew out there to try and convince her that I loved her and that I didn't mean it, and to trust me that I could handle the distance, to which she said she couldnt, to which I said, "then we shouldn't be together". She agreed.

 

It's been about a month now, and I have serious regrets about everything. I should have said something like, "well then fine, if you can't trust me, then you can't trust me, but I'm not giving up on us". But I didn't. I was so upset and confused and angered. But now, a month on, I want nothing more than to have a second chance. I've experienced what true distance is like with the no contact and all that, and can honestly say long distance is a lot easier. I love this girl with all my heart. I handwrote her a letter apologizing for how I acted towards the end of our relationship, but I have no idea where her head or heart is at regarding our breakup. I think she'll get the letter in a few days.

 

Anyway, I realize this is a special situation, but if anyone has experienced pangs of regret/ breaking up a long distance relationship only to realize it was a mistake/ attempted to win back an ex before, and has some advice, I'd really appreciate some insight!

 

Heartbroken,

Dave

[DustySaltus]

Dave, welcome to LS and I am sorry about your situation. You need to stop blaming yourself.

 

A second chance cannot work unless both parties are willing to overcome the issues that broke them up in the first place. The issue here is distance. Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for her and move to LA? That's what it's going to take.

[asteriskking]

Are you willing to give up EVERYTHING for her and move to LA? That's what it's going to take.

 

Well, what I'm saying is that I'd be willing to continue on w/ the distance. She always seemed fine with the distance. I, on the other hand, would bring it up from time to time (about how hard it was... but I actually saw it as something of a compliment, you know? How much I missed her/wish she were here, etc.). So what I've concluded from the month apart is that I'd rather be with her and do long distance than not with her.

[DustySaltus]

Well, the last time I was in your situation I wound up getting on a plane, getting engaged and moving half way across the world. Things didn't work out for other reasons but I was doing what had to be done at the time. Communication is so important in any relationship let alone a LDR.

 

You want to go back to what it was because it's not available anymore, not because it's what you want. You want to be with her everyday and that's what it getting you frustrated. Only you know how much you care about her but this is an ALL or NOTHING situation at this point.

[EricaH329]

My boyfriend and I are long distance also. Have been for about 10 months now. We've broken up twice because of the distance. I am very familiar with those little fights you get into because the distance becomes unbearable at times.

 

Are you guys still in contact? Or have you not talked to her since the breakup?

 

Time apart can work wonders for a relationship that's meant to work out. Or at least, a relationship that ended too soon.

 

In my experience, after the first time we broke up, we were apart for a month. Then we decided to get back together, because like you, we realized we would rather be together than not. Which just ended up in disaster again. The second time we broke up, we were apart for 4 months. That was long enough for the both of us to realize what we did wrong, what we could do to make it better, and how we are going to go about changing things this time around.

 

I suggest (if you haven't already) re-evaluating what went wrong in your relationship, and your part in it. Think about the things that you could do to change things a second time around. Unfortunately, you were at a certain pain level when you and her hit rock bottom. Now that you both are apart, this is a totally different level of pain. When that occurs, your first reaction is to go back to the time that you felt the less amount of pain. Which isn't always the best.

 

I think you should give it a little bit more time, perhaps talk to her about how she feels right now. Take things slow. Communicate to eachother what happened, and how you both feel about it. Talk until you are both blue in the faces, then make a decision as to what is best for the both of you. If you two decide to get back together, I suggest taking things slow. As in, don't jump directly back into the relationship. Talk with eachother for a couple of months, figure things out between the two of you, basically work towards rebuilding a healthy relationship.

 

It'll take a lot of work and effort, but if this is something that the both of you really want, then it will work out in the end.

[USMCHokie]

 

Time apart can work wonders for a relationship that's meant to work out. Or at least, a relationship that ended too soon.

 

 

Would it be ok if I shed a tear from reading this...?

[asteriskking]

Thanks so much, Erica.

 

We are in contact, but nothing of substance. A text here, a gchat there. Every time we talk, though, I slip back down into despair. I love this girl with all my heart, and it hurts so much to hear her talk to me without her being my "gf". She also seems very distant when we talk, like she is trying to separate herself from me (understandable, I guess? It's just really hard to accept).

 

She still hasn't gotten the letter I sent, so I'll wait to hear from her. I think what I'll do is ask her if she'd be willing to talk about what happened, and see if the problems between us were truly insurmountable. I really believe that every problem that came up was the result of the distance. But now that I'm experiencing what TRUE distance is, I know that I can handle the long distance and everything it entails. I never want to go back to this point again!

 

This is, hands down, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. Thanks so much for the support, guys.

 

Dave

[asteriskking]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to seek advice on something I wrote her. How would you react to something like this?

 

 

Hey Danielle,

 

Depending on how fast (or how slow) the US Postal Service is, you should have gotten (or will get) a letter from me. I don't know if this was made super clear in the letter, but I don't want you to feel as if you owe me a response. Same goes for this email.

 

Not entirely sure if the letter touched upon all your grievances with the relationship, and if you're genuinely happier now without me, then I would want things to stay that way. But this is something I've thought long and hard about, and didn't want to run the risk of you possibly sharing these sentiments and me never bringing them up.

 

I realize I pretty much have one shot at this, so, here goes: I want to talk about the possibility of us, face-to-face, one more time. If you feel like there is nothing that I could say or bring to the table to try and right this ship, then I will accept that and move on, I swear. But life is short, and girls like you don't show up at bus stops very often. I have regrets about things I've said in the past - I don't want to now have regrets about things I never said.

 

Dave

 

 

 

 

 

(In case you're wondering why I said "bus stops", we met on a bus stop...)

 

Anyway, again, any suggestions or edits would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks again,

Dave