confusedbemused Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Background: My boyfriend (My first love, who i'd been dating for about 2.5 years, with a very rocky off/on 6 month period in the middle) dumped me in late September (he told he wasn't in love with me anymore), and immediately started dating a new girl who had had a crush on him, and who he sort of liked (he hadn't talked to her while we were dating, but once we broke up...). I was devastated, but desperately wanted to be with him again. We started no contact, which I didn't break. We had coffee in early december (he initiated it), when he told me he wasn't sure about his feelings or what to do, but that he was trying to figure things out. It gave me hope, but was really confusing... Especially because he started to give me really mixed signals after our meeting. In mid-January, I asked him to have coffee with me, confronted him, and told him he needed to decide in 3 days or I was moving on -- that I didn't have time to wait for him anymore (I was finally beginning to feel a little more whole). He immediately confessed that he although hadn't really felt anything immediately after our breakup, a month or two after we'd broken up he realized that he was still completely in love with me and that the other girl, although really nice, was not the person he wanted to be with. He said he had been waiting in order to make sure that he was doing the right thing, and to be fair to this other girl, and because of pride. He asked me on a date that night and broke it off with the other girl the day after we spoke. I was more than a bit shocked, as I'd gone into this second meeting thinking it was a last ditch attempt and had viewed it more as closure than as a real chance. We've been going out on dates and hanging out a LOT since. I've told him that he really broke my heart and my trust, and that he will have to put in a lot of work to ever regain it. He says he's willing to, and has been really trying, I think. We had been talking about marriage before we broke up (i'm a senior in college, he graduated two years ago), and now he's started talking about it again -- i'm moving to a new city next year, and he's really serious about being near enough to visit, enough that he's looking into a different job in a nearby area. A month or so has passed since our sort-of getting back together. He's asked me to be his girlfriend again (like to go steady and be exclusive), and I said that I wasn't ready yet. He was disappointed, but said that he's willing to wait. *** My problems: One, I can't seem to get over the fact that he was able to get with another girl less than a week after breaking up with me. I can't stop thinking about it, and every time I do I get really upset, and kind of lash out at him. Two (this is probabaly related), I'm still scared-- that he'll leave me again, or decide that the last 1.5months were a mistake, or change his mind... I get really frightened even when we have minor tiffs. These two fears/my lack of trust is why I said that I couldn't be his girlfriend yet, even though I love him (i can see myself marrying him, i think) and want to be with him. I'm worried that my inability to trust is going to push him away. I've gotten a little better at dealing both these things, but it's still not great. Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Were you able to build it back again? I want to be with him, and I don't want to ruin it.
Alexz Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I think your feelings are completely natural. I am also questioning his commitment if he was willing to break off your close relationship just to go for some other girl. And if he's so impulsive to do that, I would never think he's trustworthy enough to prolong the commitment you're in right now. If you have an underlying feeling that he will betray you or leave you, you either have to get over it or let him go. I was in one relationship where my girl left and came back, but I never let her reestablish a connection with me again. I knew I'd never trust her again. A truly committed person that loves you wouldn't just break it off and say "they don't love you anymore." It's ambivalent and heart-breaking.
Author confusedbemused Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Well, he didn't break of the relationship to go out with the other girl. He broke it off for some underlying reasons... she wasn't really in the picture until after we broke up. -he thought we weren't moving in the same direction (I had been looking at job opportunities in a different country) -we'd been fighting a lot recently then, and had a tough summer (i'd been abroad and he'd been at home, so it was three months LDR after a rather shaky previous 6 months -we weren't the same religion (although i've recently converted to his [not because of him], so that's not really a problem anymore) it was actually kind of necessary that we broke up, and we both realized that, changed some things, etc. So it's not really that he was just attracted to someone else and whatever.
Alexz Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I see. Well then, it was a rough time, and if you got over all those hardships, then that should make your relationships stronger. I just find it odd he immediately started dating someone after you two broke up. Maybe it's just me though. You need closure at to what happened so you can trust him again or it can't work.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I see. Well then, it was a rough time, and if you got over all those hardships, then that should make your relationships stronger. I just find it odd he immediately started dating someone after you two broke up. Maybe it's just me though. You need closure at to what happened so you can trust him again or it can't work. I find it odd, too. Are you sure there was no involvement before the break-up? You said she had a crush on him and he kind of liked her....
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