confusedbemused Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) Background: My boyfriend (My first love, who i'd been dating for about 2.5 years, with a very rocky off/on 6 month period in the middle) dumped me in late September (he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore), and immediately started dating a new girl who had had a crush on him, and who he sort of liked. I was devastated, but desperately wanted to be with him again. We started NC, which I didn't break. We had coffee in early december (he initiated it), when he told me he wasn't sure about his feelings or what to do, but that he was trying to figure things out. It gave me hope, but was really confusing... Especially because he started to give me really mixed signals after our meeting. In mid-January, I asked him to have coffee with me, confronted him, and told him he needed to decide in 3 days or I was moving on -- that I didn't have time to wait for him anymore (I was finally beginning to feel a little more whole). He immediately confessed that he although hadn't really felt anything immediately after our breakup, a month or two after we'd broken up he realized that he was still completely in love with me and that the other girl, although really nice, was not the person he wanted to be with. He said he had been waiting in order to make sure that he was doing the right thing, and to be fair to this other girl, and because of pride. He asked me on a date that night and broke it off with the other girl the day after we spoke. I was more than a bit shocked, as I'd gone into this second meeting thinking it was a last ditch attempt and had viewed it more as closure than as a real chance. We've been going out on dates and hanging out a LOT since. I've told him that he really broke my heart and my trust, and that he will have to put in a lot of work to ever regain it. He says he's willing to, and has been really trying, I think. We had been talking about marriage before we broke up (i'm a senior in college, he graduated two years ago), and now he's started talking about it again -- i'm moving to a new city next year, and he's really serious about being near enough to visit, enough that he's looking into a different job in a nearby area. A month or so has passed since our sort-of getting back together. He's asked me to be his girlfriend again, and I said that I wasn't ready yet. He was disappointed, but said that he's willing to wait. *** My problems: One, I can't seem to get over the fact that he was able to get with another girl less than a week after breaking up with me. I can't stop thinking about it, and every time I do I get really upset, and kind of lash out at him. Two (this is probabaly related), I'm still scared-- that he'll leave me again, or decide that the last 1.5months were a mistake, or change his mind... I get really frightened even when we have minor tiffs. These two fears/my lack of trust is why I said that I couldn't be his girlfriend yet, even though I love him (i can see myself marrying him, i think) and want to be with him. I'm worried that my inability to trust is going to push him away. I've gotten a little better at both these things, but it's still not great. Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Were you able to build it back again? I want to be with him, and I don't want to ruin it. Sorry this was so long! Also, people who have been dumped, take heart! A second chance is possible! Edited February 26, 2010 by confusedbemused
nowomanocry Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Hello confusedbemused I think he came back to you because he dumped / or got dumped from the other gurl. So it is a great possibility that you were a reserve for a short-time span and by luck got him back ! (Congrats lol) After all this I do not think you gonna trust him ever again (at least I wouldn't ) as it is obvious he's looking - so be prepared and always have a plan B Good luck hun
BserBuff Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Love is a gamble, if u dont try ur luck u will never win anything. At least he didnt cheat on u, imagine how hard it would be to stop thinking about it if that was the case (u may of just left and been ok) I think ur sour feeling will eventually deteriorate as long as his love for u is strong and ur also willing to work.
Author confusedbemused Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Thanks, BB. to clarify: He didn't just break off the relationship to go out with the other girl. He broke it off for some underlying reasons... He didn't talk to her or contact her or anything until after we broke up (i know, cuz i have his email password haha). -he thought we weren't moving in the same direction (I had been looking at job opportunities in a different country) -we'd been fighting a lot recently then, and had a tough summer (i'd been abroad and he'd been at home, so it was three months LDR after a rather shaky previous 6 months -we weren't the same religion (although i've recently converted to his [not because of him], so that's not really a problem anymore) it was actually kind of necessary that we broke up, and we both realized that, changed some things, etc. So it's not really that he was just attracted to someone else and whatever, although maybe it was a small factor that there happened to be someone right there.
BserBuff Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I think nowomenocry is being a bit pessimistic about the situation. Im not saying there's no way he is right but I think that ur bf willingness to move near u is a good symbol of his love for u. He may of felt betrayed by u wanting to move to a dif country for a job
starwolf242 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 My bf has done exactly the same thing. We had a rough couple of months and then we agreed to break up because he was saying he doesn't think he loves me anymore and then started going out with this other girl who had fancied him for ages straight after we broke up. When I asked him later he said that during our final week when we were fighting alot he started to have 'feelings' for her but I don't think she's anything more than a rebound. Fingers crossed my ex will do the same that your ex has. I'm hoping to get a second chance but not waiting for it. I would have the same worries if he came back that you do but like the other poster says if you don't risk your heart, you never know if you've passed up the truest love. If he seems to be determined and trying really hard, tell him you have these worries but that you're willing to take the risk to be together again. Once you're comfortable, start with a clean slate and if it all goes pear shaped then at least you tried and won't always be wondering what if! After all, you know you can make it through the darkest days of heart break. What do you really have to lose?
nowomanocry Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Thanks, BB. to clarify: He didn't just break off the relationship to go out with the other girl. He broke it off for some underlying reasons... He didn't talk to her or contact her or anything until after we broke up (i know, cuz i have his email password haha). -he thought we weren't moving in the same direction (I had been looking at job opportunities in a different country) -we'd been fighting a lot recently then, and had a tough summer (i'd been abroad and he'd been at home, so it was three months LDR after a rather shaky previous 6 months -we weren't the same religion (although i've recently converted to his [not because of him], so that's not really a problem anymore) it was actually kind of necessary that we broke up, and we both realized that, changed some things, etc. So it's not really that he was just attracted to someone else and whatever, although maybe it was a small factor that there happened to be someone right there. I think that... it doesn't matter whether he was in this before or after you broke up, what matters is the 3rd party was there threatening your relationship and this means there was something wrong not trying to be funny but having your partner's e-mail address is wrong - because it is an intrusion of personal space and even worse, may indicate lack of trust. If you love him set him free. religion has nothing to do with this, love has no religion.. if I am a believer (which I am not) and she isn't then fine. If you have converted then maybe it was not as important to you as well. I never see converting as a sacrifice. Give me something tangible. the only good thing from what you write is that you two are going to be closer to each other - which is never a guarantee you two being together till the end of time. Sometimes LDRs last forever or even a short exchange of glances of two souls who were made for each other anywhere at anytime without any result in meeting or forming a couple might be missed for a lifetime while a couple living together can be complete strangers to each other Who knows? Have a great week-end
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