i finally found out the truth

February 26, 2010

hello all...i really need to talk to people who have been through the same thing that i am going through right now so here i am. first and foremost, sorry if this would be the wrong forum for this as me and my partner are not married.

so heres a little background...

basically i am living with a woman who i have been with for 6 and a half years...we have a son and we just bought a home together. we met via internet when i was 17 and she was almost 15. i would see here maybe 15 days out of the year until i moved here when i was almost 20. when i was 19 i cheated on her. i was very confused due to not getting much attention from girls while in high school and when i met her was pretty much the exact same time girls started to take interest in me. obviously, my curiousities led to me having a one night stand. i came home that same night, called her and broke up with her without telling her what i had done due to shame and being so afraid to hurt her feelings. about a month later we got back together but i still didnt tell her. i lied for a year and then the guilt got so overwhelming and the fact that i really felt like i loved this girl and i needed to do what was right and fair to her. please keep this in mind that we were long distance and all this had to happen over the phone. when i told her she flipped out but not even 15 minutes later, she composed herself and told me that she wants to work through this and try to still be with me. we were able to manage to fix things and our relationship became very strong and we ended up staying together. like i said, i moved to where she was when i was almost 20 and she was almost 18. about 5 months later after moving in with her, she was pregnant with my now almost 3 year old son. i was your stereotypical guy, i was a complete jerk at times(but never laid a hand on her) but when we would fight i would be mean sometimes....needless to say our relationship was very good....we were best friends and when we werent fighting things were great. since she was about 19 she has wanted to get married, but i had i fear of marriage i guess you could say. everyone i knew who has been married, has been divorced atleast once so i was defianetly scared to jump into marriage. finally i really took some time and thought about what i really want out of our relationship and finally decided that marriage was something i wanted with her...i asked her to marry me on valentines day of 2009. it has just made a year since our engagement and this is when stuff started to hit the fan....(please take note that for the last 2 years i have really been trying to change and i think i have had good success...i have been trying to be more understanding, listen to her, not fight so aggressivly when we argue and just try to be an all around better partner, and honestly, this past year probably has been the best year of our 6.5 year relationship)

let me take a few minutes and give a background on her....she has been with me since she was 15, i WAS the only person shes been with relationship wise and sexually. she just graduated from college with a bachelors degree and has been a full time mom. she has never really gotten the chance to "go out" and live the life most 19-24 year olds get to live....going out with friends, partying, drinking, one night stands. she feels like she hasnt gotten to experience that part of life...

ok now for the final chapter. she called me up about 2 weeks ago from work telling me that she wants to get out and experience things...she feels like life is passing her by and she has no experiences to look back on and say "wow, i did that". she thought i was going to get mad but i just got sad. this urge and these curiousities she has been having lately, shes talked to me about it before but this is the first time she has acted on it. shes lost so much weight, she feels confident and she has been going out with friends and getting some of those experiences...not much but some. she told me she wants to take a break because she doesnt feel right to decieve me especially because she doesnt know what she might do...she has distanced herself from me, stopped wearing her engagement ring, took down any pictures of us that we had around our new house. usually we both look at eachothers cell phones in front of eachother and just be nosey about it because we both knew we could and that we both had nothing to hide. but lately she has been carrying her cell with her everywhere she goes and finally i got a hold of it and there were text messages from other guys but i just gave it back to her before i read them because i was allready upset. she would have moments were she would tell me that she misses me and that she hates hurting me the way she has been lately. last week she texted me begging me to come home because she misses me and she feels lonely...so i did. we were not intimate but rather just hung out as friends which i was willing to take because i just missed her so bad. she tells me that im still the love of her life and that she will always love me. we are still best friends and we both know we can count on eachother for anything if we need it. this past monday i was leaving to go to work(i work430pm-3am) and i was giving my son a hug and a kiss and he said "kiss mama" and i told him that i couldnt. she texted me later that night at work saying that it was really hard not to kiss me and that she misses me. tuesday her distance was increasing and she even seemed kind of annoyed by my sadness, by making fun of it. wednesday her distance was just as bad...everyday lately since i been so paranoid i have been searching for any signs of what my gut feeling was telling me. i kept count of how many condoms(i know im pathetic) and thursday i found that there were 3 missing. i was in such shock, to the point i was almost histerical and i couldnt think straight and i felt like i was going to puke. especially when i found 3 condoms in the trash and i knew they were not from me. i finally was able to get a hold of her at work and confirmed my suspicions....she was having sex with someone in our home not once but twice in one night while my son was asleep in his room...about a week ago when we were talking she promised me that if she was to do anything that she wouldnt bring it into the home but she did anyways. i asked her to leave work and she did and at first she couldnt care less about my feelings but i think it was just due to guilt and confusion....the rest of the day she was there for me. she still isnt done with "seeing what life is really about out there" and i dont know if she plans on sleeping around more....we were suposed to get married in 4 months, we had wedding rings, she had a dress and we had a destination picked out. 2 months ago she sent me a genuine text message saying that

"she loves her life with me even the ****ty points. we make eachother smile and i love you". i know she was genuine about that because i know her and that really is the type of person she is.

i dont know what to do i am crushed....the pain is almost unbearable and all i can do is picture it in my head....her having sex with someone else in our home...i know how she looks and how she sounds and how she does it and i just keep picturing her doing that with him...in our new home none the less. she is sad too. she told me she doesnt regret doing it but she hates how its because of her that she makes me so sad. i got the most drunk i have ever been yesterday, and she came home and took care of me. she really does care for me.

what do i do?? any advice?? i mean she technically did say we need to be on a break. plus we werent married yet. is there still hope? she gave me a 2nd chance and i want to do the same for her if she decides i am what she wants afterall. i just dont know how to handle this and how to interpret all this...she is human afterall and no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes...i understand she is confused and that could be why all this happened....does this mean she doesnt love me? or is it possible that she still does...i do not know.

she is a better person than me, she has been completely honest even if it means hurting me. that is more than i can say for me. i had to lie about it for a year before i got the balls to tell her. its like i am the way she was when i was a jerk....she hung around even tho i was hurting her and she put up with so much from me. and now i am in the position she was and she is being the careless one.

oh and i know cheating is cheating...but is what she did worse than what i did? since our relationship has gotten more serious, with a son and plans to get married and a new home? i am not trying to make it seem like what i did was not as bad as what she did. i just want opinions.

if anyone was wondering...i am 24 now and she is 21.

well to anyone who made it thro this massive message, thank you for taking the time to read this and any advice anyone is willing to give. thank you.

p.s. any advice on how to help cope with the constant "picturing what she was doing last night"? thank you..

josh

February 26, 2010

Let me see If I have this correct. You have rings and are planning to get married in 4 months. While you are at work she has brought men into your home and bed and had sex with them while your son is sleeping in the next room. She is not regretful or remorseful but just sad that you are hurting. You have got to be kidding me. You would have to be out of your mind to even think about marrying such a person. Do you need to have a piano fall on your head to see what is happening? She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. How much humiliation are you willing to endure? This is a woman who is planning to get married and has no problem screwing men in your home, with your son sleeping in the next room, while you are at work. What is wrong with this picture. DO NOT THINK ABOUT EVER MARRYING THIS WOMAN!. It is clear by her actions that she has no respect for you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? See an attorney about visitation with your son in the future. She is totally toxic to you and will destroy you if you allow her to do so. Good luck.

February 26, 2010

As much as you love her...just dont marry her. She'll start out seeking the greener grass or always the fun time, the time when she probably wants to settle down and get married she's been around the block multiple times.

I'm sorry to say that this immature woman does not make for good wife material. You have a second chance to end things of your own accord and find someone who wants to be your wife.

What she's doing right now is gonna plant seeds for your children's future. and id rather have a faithful wife than an unfathful one.

End this relationship. with dignity and respect and get your ring back she doesn't deserve it. Move back in and sell the house, split the proceeds of buy her out.

February 26, 2010

I understand that you cheated on her back in the day and she forgave you for it even though you hid it for a year, which isn't as bad as waiting over a decade to confess to that, the longer you wait the worse it is. It's definitely a good thing she confessed to what she has done. Although would she have even told you about it if you hadn't counted the condoms and found them in the trash? How long would she have waited before telling you she sleep with another man or would she have even told you at all? The reason you know is because you caught on to her. So she basically wanted to "take a break" so she could get away with sleeping around. I KNOW how awful it is to invision her with that OM and how it makes you feel, it is a hard thing to get over trust me I KNOW. If you are in the process of getting married soon and she did this I would NOT go through with it. It just goes to show where her head is at, definitely not marriage with you.

February 26, 2010

It will take several weeks for the raw pain to pass. Come to these boards, they are a good place to vent but don't get sucked in by the negativity. Certainly talk to real life friends.

The images are very difficult to get out of your head. They will always pop up occasionally. You need to learn how to cope with themm, and also with the milling unproductive thought that runs through your head. My trick was mentally to shout "stop" every time you go feel you go off the track and then quickly try to think of something else or go and do something else. i was shouting a lot of "stop" the first weeks and months.

Stay or go? Your setup sounds crazy to me. Doesn't she realise that her pleasure comes at the cost of your pain? Perhaps that wll make her less interested in running around. Don't focus on your own one night stand too much. Sure, what you did is bad, but what she did is worse.

You are still very young and can easily get a second chance in life. Bear that in mind before you commit to this woman who knows she is hurting you but doesn't stop.

Like any big decision in life: approach it rationally, take a pen, make a list of pro and contra of staying with her. Let your gut feeling wheigh heavily in the final decision.

February 26, 2010

She is a cake eater. She has you and the other man. Don't be a fool. She doesn't regret what she IS doing. Like the others have suggested. Dump her and find someone who will love only you. Definitely do not marry her.

February 26, 2010

Doesn't she realise that her pleasure comes at the cost of your pain? Perhaps that wll make her less interested in running around. Don't focus on your own one night stand too much. Sure, what you did is bad, but what she did is worse.

You are still very young and can easily get a second chance in life. Bear that in mind before you commit to this woman who knows she is hurting you but doesn't stop.

Like any big decision in life: approach it rationally, take a pen, make a list of pro and contra of staying with her. Let your gut feeling wheigh heavily in the final decision.

I think SD has good advice and comment.

Your P sounds much like a former me. Prepared to stray when she is unhappy, but not prepared to be dishonest. This will probably always be the case with her, so at least you won't ever get blind sided in deception.

She has compassion, also a great quality.

She really doesn't feel she knows you are right for her at this point, and she recognises how young she is.

Some people can cope better with the dedication of marriage at a young age than others.

You could marry, but it might be very rocky. Or you could let her go and see if she comes back after she has had her experiences.

Rocky might mean good times and bad times, MC, working out who you both are as you grow.

Letting her go might mean the end of your current dreams, but the possibility of new ones.

Good luck. Your youth and depth of feeling are in your favour for a happy future.

February 27, 2010

hello all...i really need to talk to people who have been through the same thing that i am going through right now so here i am. first and foremost, sorry if this would be the wrong forum for this as me and my partner are not married.

so heres a little background...

basically i am living with a woman who i have been with for 6 and a half years...we have a son and we just bought a home together. we met via internet when i was 17 and she was almost 15. i would see here maybe 15 days out of the year until i moved here when i was almost 20. when i was 19 i cheated on her. i was very confused due to not getting much attention from girls while in high school and when i met her was pretty much the exact same time girls started to take interest in me. obviously, my curiousities led to me having a one night stand. i came home that same night, called her and broke up with her without telling her what i had done due to shame and being so afraid to hurt her feelings. about a month later we got back together but i still didnt tell her. i lied for a year and then the guilt got so overwhelming and the fact that i really felt like i loved this girl and i needed to do what was right and fair to her. please keep this in mind that we were long distance and all this had to happen over the phone. when i told her she flipped out but not even 15 minutes later, she composed herself and told me that she wants to work through this and try to still be with me. we were able to manage to fix things and our relationship became very strong and we ended up staying together. like i said, i moved to where she was when i was almost 20 and she was almost 18. about 5 months later after moving in with her, she was pregnant with my now almost 3 year old son. i was your stereotypical guy, i was a complete jerk at times(but never laid a hand on her) but when we would fight i would be mean sometimes....needless to say our relationship was very good....we were best friends and when we werent fighting things were great. since she was about 19 she has wanted to get married, but i had i fear of marriage i guess you could say. everyone i knew who has been married, has been divorced atleast once so i was defianetly scared to jump into marriage. finally i really took some time and thought about what i really want out of our relationship and finally decided that marriage was something i wanted with her...i asked her to marry me on valentines day of 2009. it has just made a year since our engagement and this is when stuff started to hit the fan....(please take note that for the last 2 years i have really been trying to change and i think i have had good success...i have been trying to be more understanding, listen to her, not fight so aggressivly when we argue and just try to be an all around better partner, and honestly, this past year probably has been the best year of our 6.5 year relationship)

let me take a few minutes and give a background on her....she has been with me since she was 15, i WAS the only person shes been with relationship wise and sexually. she just graduated from college with a bachelors degree and has been a full time mom. she has never really gotten the chance to "go out" and live the life most 19-24 year olds get to live....going out with friends, partying, drinking, one night stands. she feels like she hasnt gotten to experience that part of life...

ok now for the final chapter. she called me up about 2 weeks ago from work telling me that she wants to get out and experience things...she feels like life is passing her by and she has no experiences to look back on and say "wow, i did that". she thought i was going to get mad but i just got sad. this urge and these curiousities she has been having lately, shes talked to me about it before but this is the first time she has acted on it. shes lost so much weight, she feels confident and she has been going out with friends and getting some of those experiences...not much but some. she told me she wants to take a break because she doesnt feel right to decieve me especially because she doesnt know what she might do...she has distanced herself from me, stopped wearing her engagement ring, took down any pictures of us that we had around our new house. usually we both look at eachothers cell phones in front of eachother and just be nosey about it because we both knew we could and that we both had nothing to hide. but lately she has been carrying her cell with her everywhere she goes and finally i got a hold of it and there were text messages from other guys but i just gave it back to her before i read them because i was allready upset. she would have moments were she would tell me that she misses me and that she hates hurting me the way she has been lately. last week she texted me begging me to come home because she misses me and she feels lonely...so i did. we were not intimate but rather just hung out as friends which i was willing to take because i just missed her so bad. she tells me that im still the love of her life and that she will always love me. we are still best friends and we both know we can count on eachother for anything if we need it. this past monday i was leaving to go to work(i work430pm-3am) and i was giving my son a hug and a kiss and he said "kiss mama" and i told him that i couldnt. she texted me later that night at work saying that it was really hard not to kiss me and that she misses me. tuesday her distance was increasing and she even seemed kind of annoyed by my sadness, by making fun of it. wednesday her distance was just as bad...everyday lately since i been so paranoid i have been searching for any signs of what my gut feeling was telling me. i kept count of how many condoms(i know im pathetic) and thursday i found that there were 3 missing. i was in such shock, to the point i was almost histerical and i couldnt think straight and i felt like i was going to puke. especially when i found 3 condoms in the trash and i knew they were not from me. i finally was able to get a hold of her at work and confirmed my suspicions....she was having sex with someone in our home not once but twice in one night while my son was asleep in his room...about a week ago when we were talking she promised me that if she was to do anything that she wouldnt bring it into the home but she did anyways. i asked her to leave work and she did and at first she couldnt care less about my feelings but i think it was just due to guilt and confusion....the rest of the day she was there for me. she still isnt done with "seeing what life is really about out there" and i dont know if she plans on sleeping around more....we were suposed to get married in 4 months, we had wedding rings, she had a dress and we had a destination picked out. 2 months ago she sent me a genuine text message saying that
"she loves her life with me even the ****ty points. we make eachother smile and i love you". i know she was genuine about that because i know her and that really is the type of person she is.

i dont know what to do i am crushed....the pain is almost unbearable and all i can do is picture it in my head....her having sex with someone else in our home...i know how she looks and how she sounds and how she does it and i just keep picturing her doing that with him...in our new home none the less. she is sad too. she told me she doesnt regret doing it but she hates how its because of her that she makes me so sad. i got the most drunk i have ever been yesterday, and she came home and took care of me. she really does care for me.

what do i do?? any advice?? i mean she technically did say we need to be on a break. plus we werent married yet. is there still hope? she gave me a 2nd chance and i want to do the same for her if she decides i am what she wants afterall. i just dont know how to handle this and how to interpret all this...she is human afterall and no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes...i understand she is confused and that could be why all this happened....does this mean she doesnt love me? or is it possible that she still does...i do not know.

she is a better person than me, she has been completely honest even if it means hurting me. that is more than i can say for me. i had to lie about it for a year before i got the balls to tell her. its like i am the way she was when i was a jerk....she hung around even tho i was hurting her and she put up with so much from me. and now i am in the position she was and she is being the careless one.

oh and i know cheating is cheating...but is what she did worse than what i did? since our relationship has gotten more serious, with a son and plans to get married and a new home? i am not trying to make it seem like what i did was not as bad as what she did. i just want opinions.

if anyone was wondering...i am 24 now and she is 21.

well to anyone who made it thro this massive message, thank you for taking the time to read this and any advice anyone is willing to give. thank you.

p.s. any advice on how to help cope with the constant "picturing what she was doing last night"? thank you..

josh

ok so she says u r still the love of life while she's having sex with other guys in ur bed & u think she hates hurting u ?

if u still think u want to marry her then be prepared for finding more condoms in trash everyday & still she will say u r the love of her life .

if u have even a slightest amount of self respect get rid of her today itself.

best of luck

February 27, 2010

Hi there Josh,

It seems like you have a considerable history with your fiancee which may not be worth throwing away like this. Yes what she did was INCREDIBLY wrong and hurtful. My husband is a cheater too so I understand. I also understand her want to go exploring, I had almost no experience before I met my husband and I regret not having more, it actually really bothers me. I am 27, he is 31, we have been married for 4 years and have a child together. What I am told however and what I believe to be true is that sleeping around is not all its cracked up to be and will not really give me what I am seeking anyhow. Your soon-to-be wife is probably just discovering this. I would ask her to stop and stop NOW. I would then suggest Couples counselling before you get married to fix up the intimacy issues in your relationship. It is very hard for a relationship that started so young to have staying power without solid intimacy skills, it seems that you both lack these, probably not having great role-modelling. Get the skills, then find out if you are a good match after all. She will find that sleeping around is not worth her solid relationship with you, but you will need to put your foot down, that doesn't mean you need to abandon that relationship with the mother of your child.

February 27, 2010

The OP and his girl are way too young to be making lifelong commitments. This one simple fact is what's causing them all their pain.

February 27, 2010

i felt like i was going to puke. especially when i found 3 condoms in the trash and i knew they were not from me. i finally was able to get a hold of her at work and confirmed my suspicions....she was having sex with someone in our home not once but twice in one night while my son was asleep in his room...

Three times in one night, dude.

It was three times.

Until they ran out of condoms, which come in three-packs.

February 27, 2010

Dude, you're the fall back on. She's stringing you along, "finding her way", and keeping you there in case she doesn't find the "love of her life".

You deserve better.

Go NC unless it involves your kid. Don't speak about nothing else, period. She needs to see and feel what life is like without you at her beckon call.

Read up on the 180 and start now and start planning for your future without her. If she comes back and you can work this out, great. If she doesn't that's OK. Someone better who loves you and treats you with respect, will come along.

I wouldn't wait forever. Eventually you'll need to give her an ultimatum, come back to the relationship or we're done.

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