Turmoil

[GetItOut]

I just need to vent or get my thoughts out. As I read in another post, I guess I'll use this to say things and thoughts I want to say to the ex that are better left unsaid to him. Yes, I know I'm being crazy now and I ignored flags for months. Yes, I know I shouldn't have snooped today, but it seems I should have done so MONTHS ago. I just need to let a little bit of this crazy out since I haven't slept all night.

 

I'm 34, he's 46. We dated exclusively for 15 months and it ended 1/31 (less than a month ago). He'd stopped the affection and greatly slowed down the intimacy and love around June last year. He is a vanilla person (not interested in porn, toys, sex in other places besides the bed, etc). I tried encouraging him to open up a bit... even just having sex in his truck or on the couch or in the woods... Nope... he wanted nothing to do with anything beyond vanilla. But we started the relationship off at least having a good amount of it, plenty of making out, caressing, cute post-it notes left for the other person, etc. It's my thinking that you can't slack off on the things that got you together in the first place... sex and affection are the glue that hold a relationship together.

 

He finally deduced that his feeling changed for me because I had a breast lift and tummy tuck in July and he thought it a complete waste of money. We each had our own places, he didn't pay any of my bills, I never borrowed a cent from him. The surgery was something I'd wanted for years and everyone else in my life sees that I just feel so much better in my own skin. He still does not see this. I asked him why he didn't just break things off when his feelings changed and he said he liked doing things with me. I pointed out we could do things together as friends and that stringing me along wasn't fair to me. Yes, I should have left him when I sat him down and had a balls out talk trying to put us back together, but couldn't get him to open up and talk about what was going on. I was very stupid and ignored myself... I loved him more than I loved myself.

 

I've lost 15 pounds and didn't sleep much these past few weeks. I was getting better, getting my appetite back, started being able to get to sleep without using Motrin PM, but now I believe I'm headed back down again.

 

A week after we broke up a friend told me he'd seen a car at my ex's several times. This past Tuesday my ex called and came over because he wanted to tell me he's in therapy for his anger. He explained his ex had an issue and needed a place to stay for a while. He said the whole experience with her there really sucked for him. His epiphome came when they went out Sunday to hike. His truck got stuck in the mud on their way there and he blew up. He scared the pooh out of her and the whole ride home was silent. She left when they got back. This experience made him realize his anger issues.

 

I told him I was proud he noticed something he wanted to change about himself, picked up the phone to get help, and had already talked to someone. He is very closed emotionally and won't talk about private things... in the beginning of our relationship I was able to get him to open up a bit, but then he shut the doors after a month or two. That should have been a HUGE sign to run right there for me. Hell, the fact that he's been married and divorced 3 times should have been a huge flag.

 

I didn't mind his ex needed a place to stay. He can talk to exes and hang out with them. I think it's healthy to be able to maintain contact with an ex.

 

Tuesday when he came over he opened up about things. It was really neat. He seemed happy, healthy (or as healthy as someone can be over a recent breakup), and motivated. He was affectionate. And yes, we had sex. Over the past few days we've been talking on the phone like we used to as well.

 

Today he allowed me to do laundry at his place. I went over tonight (he works over night) to put some stuff in the dryer. Then I got the snooping bug. Never thought to check on him before.... I trusted he was being straight with me while we were dating. I know his passwords and his 2 email accounts. When I got home, I checked them. Boy oh boy what I learned.

 

We started dating 11/08.

 

5/09 - He joined amateurmatch's site (a paid site) and sheesh for the things he put in his profile. Definitely not the vanilla guy he acts like. I can't tell if he's written to anyone on there because they delete posts older than 30 days.

 

9/09 - He joined plentyoffish. Can't tell if he wrote anyone back then, but he's writing to people now and his profile says he attends church weekly (not) and wants to keep the nonbelievers away. He's not religious.. or, he wasn't. There is a bible in his room now and also a devotion-like book on his bed.

 

2/10 - He joined fitness singles saying he loves to be out on the trails or in his canoe. No wonder he recently (finally) got his canoe registered. He was supposed to do that ages ago so we could use it together.

 

He's also on match and eharmony. Don't know when he joined those. He's writing to people on match. 6/09 he wrote to a woman on eharmony.

 

And here's the biggest thing...... I found tons of emails from 2/5 through now between him and another woman. Apparently the woman who stayed with him when he said it was his ex. It does seem as though they dated in the past, but it's definitely not the woman he told me it was. According to the emails, they've gotten together a few times (the last 3 weeks with you have been great), they've know each other for years, she's been at the house for dinner, this was the first time she was at the house (he had to give her address and directions), he's cried over a song thinking about her, he's able to open up to her very easily (long emails, real words from his feelings), the whole hour at her therapy session she talked about their relationship, she's going through a tough time (sounds like a breakup from an abusive relationship), they're leaning on each other for support, and she knows more about him than I did after dating a year (but in my defense it's because he wouldn't open up to me).

 

 

I'm glad, I guess, I know all this. But it still hurts. He's going to this woman, opening up to her, asking her for support while he's in therapy and I've been here the whole time. It hurts to know/feel he doesn't feel he can open up to me or ask me for help. Hell, he can't ask anyone for help... ever... for anything. He's never talked openly and supportive to me like this. I went through some crap and he didn't care... didn't even ask for an update on things. Still hasn't. But a week after we broke up, he had her over. That really hurts. He HAD to have been talking to her or something while we were still together.

 

She has things to work out and cannot continue 'seeing' him and can't see them getting back as a couple. Feelings developed quickly and ended just as quickly the day they got stuck in the mud on the hike because his anger triggered a past memory in her. They are going to give a friendship a try and have plans next Saturday for a day in Atlantic City area to hike. She has issues, but seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She realizes she needs to be happy being alone and get healthy before getting into a relationship and says she can only be just friends with him (or at least for now). He believes she is his soul mate and will always love her. It hurts to know he was just keeping me around... for what? Just to have a human body around?? Perhaps my friend was right when he blurted out my ex perhaps just can't be alone. My ex mentioned in the one email even if she calls him 10 years from now to give him another chance, he'll drop everything and take her back.

 

So there's my craziness. I know I cannot say anything to him about what all I know. But I'd like to somehow ask him questions about him joining dating sites while we were together. I'd also like to know why he felt the need to lie to me and tell me the girl was his ex, but it was a different woman. I'd also like him to know it really sucks to be replaced within a week when you were in a 15 month relationship. I'm curious why he joined amateurmatch, a site that is totally not something he's swore he's into. I'd like to know why he cannot open up to me. I'm curious where this new found religion crap came from and where it's going and why he didn't mention it to me. I want to know how he sees us now. I want to know what he's looking for in the relationship we currently have. I want to know what he wanted from the relationship we had when we were dating. I want to know why he couldn't just TALK to me.

 

I wonder now if I should just ignore his call next time he calls. Or if I should just be distant. I wonder if, now that he knows she won't get back together with him romantically, will be actually make it himself or will he want to get back with me. I can do sex with an ex, but this is totally different. I can do friendships with an ex, but this is totally different than anything I've experienced.

 

I'm just messed up, confused, feeling rejected, hungry (don't want to eat though), angry I wasted the time with him I did, angry at him for not letting me go and keeping me around just because he liked doing things with me, and unsure how to proceed now. I'm open to suggestions, comments, and positive words of encouragement.

Edited February 26, 2010 by GetItOut
more thoughts

[Rearden Metal]

You seem remarkably composed, level headed. From my POV it seems that this guy just isn't going to be truthful and open with you. He may be a decent man, but he's battling some demons and there's not much you can do to help him with that.

 

Friends might work, but it has to be once you're no longer romantically interested in him. Give it a break and get yourself right would be my advice.

[nowomanocry]

Seems he's lying to you but how are you so sure hes a vanilla guy? I doubt this and maybe sad but true he does not find you attractive like that. Him being member of all these sites proves he's looking...

 

In any case, this is too much of a burden for your life and I think you should move on and find someone who will love you as you deserve hun. I personally would not want to be with such a person who would cause me nothing but grief and unhappiness... Like a mate on this site put it (for his) "your relationship sounds like dragging a dead horse all yer life" lol

 

Cheers

[GetItOut]

He's vanilla because he's not interest in porn. Doesn't even own any and has told me he's not interested ever in watching any. He's vanilla because he won't even touch himself (short of when he's peeing); he never masterbates. True that he lost interest along the way, but in the beginning we were having lots of sex, yet I couldn't get him to vary from sex only in the bed, not even on the couch. He's vanilla because he couldn't even tell me what I could do to rev up our sex life or what turns him on - he has no fantasies, not interested in lingerie, using toys, seeing me masterbate, etc.

 

Thank you two for your replies to my very long message. It's appreciated

[jerrytodd]

I'm just messed up, confused, feeling rejected, hungry (don't want to eat though), angry I wasted the time with him I did, angry at him for not letting me go and keeping me around just because he liked doing things with me, and unsure how to proceed now. I'm open to suggestions, comments, and positive words of encouragement.

 

I can say, with very limited exposure, you do sound great, way better as a giving, understanding and smart woman than what you are losing here. Don't go backwards. It isnt helpful to you.

 

You will make some man very happy. Go find him! Just not on match!

[GetItOut]

We aren't together (no, I haven't even fallen for jumping into bed with him like I know other people do after breakups), but we went to a memorial service for his grand father who passed away this weekend. I just got in an hour ago. It was quite a long drive (9 hours each way) being cooped up with him, not saying what I really wanted to say because there's no reason to be lied to to my face - again. So I wrote it down while he drove and here it is for me to reread as needed. Some of this is what I'd really like to say, other of it is stuff I knew I'd never blurt out:

 

You behave as though every thing is fine - that we had closure and that our break up was mutual. It seems you have no conscious. I know you are able to behave like things are normal and there is no octopus in the middle of the windshield because you're a complete jerk. Do you even feel the tension at all? We had no closure. Your silence and your lies should have been all the closure I need, but it's not. Someday I hope it will be enough.

 

You couldn't take the idea of me being with anyone else, so I wasn't. But you didn't think things should be equal for each of us apparently. Unbeknownst to me, we each had seperate rules to follow apparently. There's a HUGE difference between bumping into someone who interests you at, say, the grocery store AND out and out seeking someone by being on a dozen + dating sites.

 

I wasn't looking for anyone... you were. You were actively seeking to cheat. I at least told you about me being poly at the very beginning of our relationship and I agreed to tell you if there looked to be ANY curve in the road at all (if I met someone else). I should have told you from the start I planned to be monogamous with you because of your wishes. But you at least knew I never mentioned a curve and you could always have asked me about things. Where was my head's up that there were plenty of curves in the road (that you were hunting and I KNOW having breakfast and talking on the phone to other women)? I do recall mentioning to you several times, the first time in October, that I am monogamous. You had NO right to remain on any dating sites you were checking that you've been on for years and you REALLY had absolutely no right to be joining MORE while we were together. Would you have liked it if the tables were turned?

 

How can you look me in the eye this whole time and lie? How can you now continue to look me in the eye and deny things and act as though things are completely normal and fine? In the past few weeks, this weekend included, you have tickled me, grabbed my butt, tweaked my knee, kissed me on the head, talk like we always used to talk, helped me take off my coat..... These things confuse me. Make up your F'n mind!

 

Who the hell are you? What are you about? Why aren't you just yourself to everyone instead of portraying different faces to different people (all your dating ads don't describe you at all)? Why doesn't your words and actions line up?

 

Are you at all embarrassed about some of the sites you are on or even embarrassed to be on so damn many of them? It's sad and pathetic. Do you feel any shame at all for misleading so many women you talk to and for lying about your true self? Do you even know what your true self is? Do you know at all what you are looking for - as you told me you believe I'll never find what I'm looking for.

 

Now you're reading the Bible, going to church, etc. How does your life line up with what you've been reading in that book or hearing from a preacher? Does your christianity condone adultery? What about the sites you joined that are for people actively seeking to cheat on their spouse? Yes, I know many of the sites you are on. Some are for regular dating, other's are solely cheating sites. I guess what ever religion you follow does condone cheating..... after all, you did so to me. Christianity is christianity.... you cannot pick and choose what you want to believe, what rules you wish to follow. It's not F'n ala carte. You either are or you are not a christian.... and by your actions and how you live your life, people ought to be able to tell you are a believer.

 

I couldn't get you to have sex anywhere but the bed, not the couch, not anywhere else different or exciting. I couldn't get you to masterbate - you thought it was real dirty to touch your own cock (can I post that here?). I couldn't get you to watch porn - you told me you had zero interest in it and that it did nothingn for you. You weren't even interested in using any of my toys on me or seeing me use them. Holy **** was I dumbfounded when I found you on one site in particular mentioning you were into anal and couples, etc. I nearly fell off the damn computer chair. What the???

 

You are pathetic and gross. You are a player. You are a user. You tell great lies that hurt. You feel no remorse or sorrow for the ****ty things you did to me (and how many other wonderful and beautiful women?). You're also immature; you cannot do the responsible thing and be honest with a woman and break up with her before looking elsewhere. You take other people's hearts for granted and don't care about people's feelings. If you were mature, you'd come to terms with your ways, decide to change for the better, and apologize.... an honest apology. Yes, you are in therapy now for your anger, but you have other issues that need to be worked on as well. Hopefully your therapist will see these and allow you to also see them and you'll want to work on them.

 

What's the point of verbalizing any of this to you? It's on my heart now while we are heading back from Ohio, so I'm getting it off my chest by writing. But if I tell you any of this or ask yet again if you'd like to come clean about anything, you'll just lie again and say you weren't up to anything.

 

What really sucks is I keep getting sucked back emotionally to where I was before I got smarter. I 'forget' you're an ass at times when we are talking. I let my guard down. It's my head that has to keep snapping me back into reality, igniting the knowledge I now have of what you are and what you have done. My reality mind has to keep reminding my heart of all the proof I have of your lies. I still don't want to believe any of it (I'm still partially in denial just because it seems such a stretch to believe), but there it is.... I printed most of it out so I can reread it and remember that your actions and your words don't line up. It shouldn't matter WHAT you say, only your actions and the proof should be SCREAMING at me the truth. I really would like to eventually be able to link your face and severe nausea together so whenever I see you, I can be reminded what a sick jerk you are and how bad you are for me and how much of my time you wasted.

 

I really just hope any future women you are with will see right through you very quickly. I hope they are all in tune with their intuition. I hope they all have sharp and quick brains in their heads.