Barky Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Another girl is in the process of dumping me. We met online almost two years ago and started sort of a booty-call relationship. She lives an hour away but I was willing to make the trip because the sex was good and I like driving along the coast. So somewhere along the way she started taking our relationship seriously. She bought me nice birthday presents and wanted to spend christmas together. Tried to get me a job working for her brother. I suppose part of it was that she's a single mom in her mid-30s with a teenage daughter (never married the father). But she always said she never had a desire to get married so go figure. I've never met the kid, never had any desire to. I've had fun with her when I was with her, and forgot about her when I wasn't. And I'm not just talking about good sex. We went on some road-trips, wine tasting, did some hobbies together. She introduced me to archery, which is a love of hers. And then the inevitable happens... happens with every single woman I date at some point. I really had to try to make her feel like she was special to me. She was always the one calling, emailing, etc. I felt like I was showing her some level of attention, but it was forced and I'd always fall back on my uncaring ways when I wasn't really concentrating on putting out the love energy. Short emails, not having time to talk with her on the phone, just general laziness toward her. Plus of course I'm dating other women so they take up a couple/few nights a week and she could probably sense that. So she wrote me a couple of long emails about how she felt which I didn't read. Sort of skimmed over one and tried to write back a response but it only made her more upset. So then I sat down and really read most of one of the latest emails she wrote and wrote up a good response, I thought. But it was a week after she'd sent it to me so it might have been too little, too late. Haven't heard back from her in a couple of days. Sucks man. It does hurt when these chicks leave. I can't really say I'm "in love" with them but it hurts. Then I try to win them back and sometimes it works for awhile, sometimes it doesn't. Guess it comes down to the fact that I can't attract the type of women that I'm really interested in.. like, you know, beautiful glamorous successful smart winners.. and it's no surprise because they're the 9-10s of the world which all high-ranking men compete for and I'm about a 5 or a 6 on a good day. So I end up "making do" with chicks I'm not really interested in until they realize that I'm not all that interested in them and they bail. Kinda sad for everyone involved. But if I didn't do it then I probably never would have been on a date in my whole life. I think the last girl I was really excited about, whom I actually dated and didn't just pine after, I was 17 years old. Half my life ago.
Golfilla Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I can just about sum up your problem in a few simple words: you're not ready for a serious relationship yet. What you need to do is spend some time ALONE. Don't date ANYONE seriously for a while, and get your own issues sorted out. Most specifically, you need to work on your boundary issues so that you know how to say "no" to women who don't really interest you before it gets to the relationship stage. I think you also need to form a clear picture of what you want in a woman, which you don't seen terribly clear about at the moment. You seem to be hooking up with women who are needy when you'd prefer to be more independent, and that's always a recipe for disaster.
Author Barky Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Well I think you're right, but I like the "hooking up." I spent most of my 20s alone and don't really want to do that again. It's depressing, and I don't think I came out of it any better than I went into it.
Golfilla Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Well I think you're right, but I like the "hooking up." I spent most of my 20s alone and don't really want to do that again. It's depressing, and I don't think I came out of it any better than I went into it. Well, go back to the hooking up if that's what you want to do, but first learn to say "no" to women you don't want to be with. I'm still trying to understand these people who think living alone is "depressing". Personally I love it! I think the freedom to do what I like is great. I'm also of the opinion that a person who can't be happy alone won't be happy in a relationship either, and your post seems to be proving that once again. Sounds to me like you need to work on your life by finding some hobbies and passions that you can pursue with or without a relationship, and get to a place where you don't mind being alone one bit. When you reach that stage, it will be easier to say 'no' to the women you don't like that much.
calazhage Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Serious advice.. Travel abroad.. You will meet so many single, intelligent, sweet,mentally balanced, and kind 9-10's that you will wonder why you even wasted time dating here. With online dating the amount of easy sex is endless, but you are stuck with women with kids, mental cases, 5's, older women, etc. Going to bars also has it's drawbacks, as you meet party girls, or are around girls that have their guard on high alert.
Ms. Joolie Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) It seems to me like you date women who are easy to get.... and make no effort then to date women you would really enjoy dating. You don't even try, as if you don't even believe you could find that kind of love, and be in that kind of relationship - or something. We have to earn our relationships, and it does take effort. We do have to care. If we don't care, if we don't make the effort to build a relationship, we will very well end up alone. Whatever makes you happy, you know? That's what you have to work at, put action toward, put effort into and care about. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life with people. And if you choose, enjoy your life with a special someone. Edited February 26, 2010 by Ms. Joolie
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 What a depressing thread. You are the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, gifts, sex, then leaves them or cheats on them with a hot bad boy. You need to learn a little self-respect, and respect for others.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 What a depressing thread. You are the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, gifts, sex, then leaves them or cheats on them with a hot bad boy. You need to learn a little self-respect, and respect for others. Women do it all the time so what is so wrong with turning the tables?
Author Barky Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 You are the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, gifts, sex, then leaves them or cheats on them with a hot bad boy. That would be a good analogy if I strung them along then wound up marrying some other chick or something. But since I haven't that's not a completely accurate analogy. A better analogy along those lines would be: "I am the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, and gifts, but when sex comes around I avoid it because they don't turn me on and then I'm saddened when they get angry and leave." You see?
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Women do it all the time so what is so wrong with turning the tables? It's no surprise that both sexes use people for their own purposes, without compassion, but people of either sex who treat others like this have some growing up to do and personal responsibility to learn.
Woggle Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 It's no surprise that both sexes use people for their own purposes, without compassion, but people of either sex who treat others like this have some growing up to do and personal responsibility to learn. I guess so but I wish more men would take this approach to dating you. There would be a whole lot less men with broken hearts out there if they did.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 A better analogy along those lines would be: "I am the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, and gifts, but when sex comes around I avoid it because they don't turn me on and then I'm saddened when they get angry and leave." You see? Did you let her know you were dating and sleeping with other women? You honestly think that accepting birthday gifts from her, spending Christmas together, and taking road trips is not stringing a woman along?
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I guess so but I wish more men would take this approach to dating you. There would be a whole lot less men with broken hearts out there if they did. What are you talking about? Am I your flavor of the month to hate and demonize?
Woggle Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 What are you talking about? Am I your flavor of the month to hate and demonize? It has nothing to do with you personally. I just feel that in general when men treat women this way they end up with the upper hand. When we truly care that is when women chew us up and spit us our. It is a jungle out there in the dating world and I wish more men would play to win.
Author Barky Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 You honestly think that accepting birthday gifts from her, spending Christmas together, and taking road trips is not stringing a woman along? You totally missed the point of my post. You made an analogy that was only somewhat good. I corrected your analogy to make it better.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 "I am the male equivalent of a princess who uses nice guys for attention, money, and gifts, but when sex comes around I avoid it because they don't turn me on and then I'm saddened when they get angry and leave." You see? Fair enough. Both your analogy and mine fairly make the point that you are using these women, and that's a shady thing to do.
Stockalone Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 It has nothing to do with you personally. I just feel that in general when men treat women this way they end up with the upper hand. When we truly care that is when women chew us up and spit us our. It is a jungle out there in the dating world and I wish more men would play to win. I agree that the more you care, the higher the potential to get hurt. And, in my experience, a somewhat distanced approach even seems to work better on average than investing heavily right from the start. Normally, appearing needy is the worst thing that can happen to a guy. However, investing nearly no feelings at all, using minimal effort and leading women on isn't anywhere near to what I would consider winning. At least if getting laid is not all you care about. The OP is at best mildly interested in the women (there is more than one!) to begin with and then he claims to feel bad when one of them no longer wants to be a mere afterthought. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't miss the woman (as a person) but mostly misses the booty call that no longer is available. And he is stringing them along because he hides his true interest level (which is very low) by doing things that clearly imply a higher interest. And as a side note, he isn't even using condoms when he boinks some random chick. Some things are just not right. Now, the women are to blame too, as they are the ones who apparently are okay with the no-commitment thing for too long. But, sort of a booty-call relationship could mean all sort of things. Maybe he thinks of it as a booty-call when the women don't. Still, if you want commitment, make it happen or move on. The women have to take some responsibility too, and that is what they are doing eventually. They recognize their mistake and move on, which is perfectly understandable if the OP doesn't want to change the status quo. It's the right thing for those women to do. So I end up "making do" with chicks I'm not really interested in until they realize that I'm not all that interested in them and they bail. Kinda sad for everyone involved. But if I didn't do it then I probably never would have been on a date in my whole life. I think the last girl I was really excited about, whom I actually dated and didn't just pine after, I was 17 years old. Half my life ago. It's no wonder that they bail once they realize what is going on. You sound like a kid who has a bunch of toys that are collecting dust because you no longer care about them, but as soon as one toy goes missing, it becomes the most important thing all of a sudden. In a real relationship, both parties have to want to make an effort. If you want a real relationship, pursue women you are actually interested in.
Author Barky Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 You sound like a kid who has a bunch of toys that are collecting dust because you no longer care about them, but as soon as one toy goes missing, it becomes the most important thing all of a sudden. Damn that is so right-on! Great analogy.
paleblue Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 i don't know... im beginning to think you're better off not letting your feelings into it. you are just going to wind up hurt anyway. relationships these days have a shelf life. 1 to 5 years. some longer for kids, but eventually.. boom... everyone knows it. being together forever is a fantasy. so why not just play and have fun? you will save yourself down the road. yes? no?
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 You are obviously emotionally cut off from these women you are dating. So you are going through the motions and maybe enjoying the sex but are incapable of giving them what they need. I don't know whether to feel sorry for you or annoyed with you. You are bound to be hurting lots of women, but probably don't see it like that. For some reason you are not becoming attached to/bonded with them. This could be the way you are or there could be other reasons. Maybe you are getting into the physical relationship too quickly with these women, so not getting to know them as people. Thereafter, sex tends to come first (excuse the expression) and you remain disengaged. You could try taking time to know them as people first, at least 3-4 months, and see how that goes. Staying emotionally remote would protect you from being hurt. You can't be hurt if they end it if you never got attached in the first place. Maybe you avoid getting involved and that's why you are dating several women at once, they are all back-ups for each other. When one dumps you, you have others to fall back on. Perhaps you could think about whether you are trying to avoid being hurt by not getting involved with one woman. Dating several women at once also means you have to shut off to cope. You have to juggle their needs, so they become a series of competing demands like in a job, not people. Try dating only one woman at a time and getting to know her well. If you have all these options, maybe you are very good looking. I think it's easy for good-looking men and women to remain uninvolved because they always have other options. It's a bit like going into a sweet-shop full of jars of sweets. Sometimes the choice is so difficult you come out with a bag full of a little of everything or nothing at all. Narrow down your options and avoid distraction. Finally, don't get into a sexual relationship with a woman who is looking for more if you are not. You may not realise it but you are hurting them.
Peter Attis Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/17/eusaboohoo.gif
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