Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 People come here looking for answers to the questions and solutions to their marital and relationship problems. I've been through a lot and have seen a lot. Experienced a lot. I've been through Mountain, desert, cold weather and jungle warfare training ~ and of course Marine boot camp, and 20+ years in the Marines. And I've been through infidelity, WAW, separation and divorce. The one thing that got me through it all? FAITH! Not just in a religious sense? But faith in my friends, my family, my children and most of all? Faith in myself. Most people when confronted with a crisis, 90% will freeze like a deer caught in he headlights of an on-coming semi-truck. More often than not? They cannot reconcile their former perception of their reality with their current one? But it is the survivors that will take action and get to moving. Most are afraid that their world will collapse? But a survivor will welcome its collapse. Because that's the way out. That which you fear most? Is the very thing that you should embrace. You want to be happy again? You want to be free of the misery your currently living? You want to be free of all this BS? The choice is yours. You hold the keys that will set you free! I've seen a lot of folks come on here with the "would've, could've, should'ves" The fact of the matter is? MOST of us married way too young, before we had the prerequisite knowledge, skill set, communication skills, relationship skills to begin with ~ not to mention experience FLASH! Ten years down the road, as we're crawling out from the train wreck of our marriage and relationship wonder what the freaking Hell just happen here? Survivors think "outside of the box" they learn, improvise, adapt and overcome. Most of us are not trained nor conditioned to do so. Thus our problems when in a day our world changes as we have known it from the day before. A really good definition of the word insanity? Is repeatedly doing the same thing over and over all the while expecting different results. If crying, pleading, imploring, begging couldn't make them stay? It sure as hell isn't going to bring them back. Who and what you are is not defined by that of another. You did just fine before you ever meet them ~ and you'll do just fine forever for the rest of the days of your life. People come and people go ~ there's no one monkey that makes a show. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be! They don't need another to define nor validate them nor to make them happy. Forget the XHEX, the STBXH, the STBXW! Get your happy azzes busy living! Dump the stress pack, live a simple life ~ to Hell with the Jones' and trying to impress people that don't give a damn about you and about what you've got and what you don't have. Think outside of the box! Adapt, improvise, and overcome! Be your own best friend, love yourself, appreciate yourself and most of all? Be kind to yourself. Most of all? Dump all preconceived notions about the way life is suppose to be?
White Flower Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Love it Gunny! Spoken like a true survivor! I agree wholeheartedly.
Author Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 As a recent poster referenced his taking a Dave Ramsey Course (Highly Recommended) referred to focusing Gazille intensity toward Life. Gazelles have to have that focus and concentration or they're nothing more than lion or cheetah lunch. That's how focused you should be not of the X, the STBXW, nor the STBXH, but your Life! And those that matter and are the most siginficiant in your life (your children)
Author Gunny376 Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Think about it? The heroes and heroines of that plane that crashed in PA on 9/11. They sought after weapons of opportunity, improvised, adapted and overcame. They stormed the crew compartment with glass carafes of hot water and coffee and busing carts! They thought outside of the box. They had faith. Faith in their God, their Country, thier spouses, their familes, ~ themselves! Their faith is what carried them! Their faith is what gave them the courage to do what they did. They choose to be a part of something greater, larger than themselves! All give some ~ some give their all! All they had to give! Faith! Faith is what will get you through this. Faith in yourself!
MJEW Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Thank you for that post Gunny, I needed a good mental/emotional kick and you gave it to me! Cheers
You Go Girl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 waw=walk away wife or wah=walk away husband. "Most people when confronted with a crisis, 90% will freeze like a deer caught in he headlights of an on-coming semi-truck. More often than not? They cannot reconcile their former perception of their reality with their current one?" This is the one that has me. I simply can't reconcile the generosity and love of my H with the lies. The two don't seem to be able to co-exist. A paradox. And I can't seem to stop being a deer in headlights.
nowomanocry Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) Gunny376, theres not a single line in what you initiated up there that I even think back or disagree - I all agree with them Anyways, when I think of it still larfin my azz of to that relationship of yours which you resembled to "draggin a dead horse". Wish could sms that to my ex tha b...h. But I cut contact since 6th of Feb and not calling / contacing her since then. and ever will contact her! lol Anyway hope ya have a great w/e Cheers Edited February 26, 2010 by nowomanocry woteva
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Thanks, Gunny; very inspirational. I've kinda lived my life that way, looking back, following a 'different' path, and, having seen the 'other' paths up close while being married, am happy I did. The most difficult task for myself has been combining a natural helping nature with setting firm boundaries for remaining healthy emotionally. The work continues
whysohard Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 thank you Gunny, i needed that. i guess travel and being exposed to different environments does give you the edge to think outside the box. your post should be there as a sticky
mimidarlin Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Wow Gunny. Powerful. Recently I've wondered why I'm didn't crash as hard as expected when I found out about the affair. In counseling sessions my husbands comments on my calmness. Oh I've lost it. I've cried and yelled but I calm down pretty quick. I've even given warning that I just need to vent. So how can I be so calm. I'm a survivor. I've survived a lot in my life and I survived a lot this last year. Life has thrown a lot of punches at me this year. I go down for a moment. I cry because it hurts but then I start planning how to move on. What next? Thanks Gunny. I'm a survivor, I'm resourceful, I usually think outside the box, I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, I want to make my father proud (may he rest in peace). "On your knees you look up" "Decide you've had enough" You get mad. You get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off Then you stand...
Author Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Wow Gunny. Powerful. Recently I've wondered why I'm didn't crash as hard as expected when I found out about the affair. In counseling sessions my husbands comments on my calmness. Oh I've lost it. I've cried and yelled but I calm down pretty quick. I've even given warning that I just need to vent. So how can I be so calm. I'm a survivor. I've survived a lot in my life and I survived a lot this last year. Life has thrown a lot of punches at me this year. I go down for a moment. I cry because it hurts but then I start planning how to move on. What next? Thanks Gunny. I'm a survivor, I'm resourceful, I usually think outside the box, I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, I want to make my father proud (may he rest in peace). "On your knees you look up" "Decide you've had enough" You get mad. You get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off Then you stand... One of my 'moto' (motivational) songs I play when I need to get pumped is the one where the lyrics (rock and roll) go "I get knocked down! I get up again! They're Never Going To Keep me down." Whenever I find myself getting those "steadily depressing, low-down mind messing blues? I play a could of sports CD's. The kind of music they play over he PA at ballgames. I find that getting up and getting busy is the best tonic when your going through a break up. Get up early, keep the same daily routine that you had before the breakup. Perception and attitude are paramount. As you perceive ~ so you think ~ as you think ~ you believe ~ as you believe? You do and become. Life is what happens to you when you make other plans. So have a Plan A, B, and C. Faith in yourself is the most important thing. While going through a divorce or breakup, we tend to forget that we were happy and go-lucky before we ever meet them? So now that they're gone why are we so miserable especially when you consider how badly they treated us and how toxic they were to not only ourselves, our lives, but our very being? The one thing that runs clear through each of these threads? The ones that cheated, lied, used and abused us? Everyone of them were selfish, narcissistic @ssholes that cared only about what they wanted, their needs, their dreams, their desires. And the crazy thing about it? They try to make us believe that it was all our fault ~ that we're 100% responsible for the failure of the relationship. Forget that!
threebyfate Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Gunny, words to live and die by. No fear and have faith in yourself. As a survivor of infidelity and now, remarried and expecting, I can't stress more about looking and moving forwards, experiences used to temper, rather than embitter. Looking backwards with regret or bitterness, is a waste of your life.
Author Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Gunny, words to live and die by. No fear and have faith in yourself. As a survivor of infidelity and now, remarried and expecting, I can't stress more about looking and moving forwards, experiences used to temper, rather than embitter. Looking backwards with regret or bitterness, is a waste of your life. That's what I'm talking about! And congratulations on the soon to be new addition to the family. As a pre-teen I use to read a lot of books by Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill. They were published in the 1920's and 1930's and are still be re-published today. I was raised by my Grandparents who were married in 1922. Raised seven children during the Great Depression. Since childhood I've been told you can do whatever you set your mind to? "Can't' couldn't because 'Can't" never tried!" "Whatever the mind of man can conceive? The mind of man can achieve.! And that's been true for me for much of my life? Whatever I truly set my mind upon? I achieved more or less to one degree or the other. One's own personal happiness is a choice, and one's own personal responsibility. "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" I've found that I can be 'happily married' and I've also found that I can be 'happily single' ~ whether any one given person comes or goes in my life outside of my children and family? Matters not. I've learned that I simply cannot make someone love me, and I"ll be damned if I'm going to bust my butt trying. I encourage others to post how they survived ~ any hard times ~ and succeeded in turning their lives around.
Crusoe Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Always enjoy reading your words Gunny, you remind me of my old man and most things you say were drilled into my head as boy. As for surviving hard times, in a strange way the hard times are what I enjoy, I like the challenge. Good times, easy living, they often bore me, but if I am ever struggling the poem IF carries me through. I have it hung on my bedroom wall, just a little reminder every morning to shut my mouth, put my head down and get on with it. This game called life is simple, real damned simple. All you got to do is look out the window a watch bird go about his business. He knows how to live, he knows all the answers and he can tell a fella everything he needs to know.
White Flower Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Gunny, words to live and die by. No fear and have faith in yourself. As a survivor of infidelity and now, remarried and expecting, I can't stress more about looking and moving forwards, experiences used to temper, rather than embitter. Looking backwards with regret or bitterness, is a waste of your life. Love it!:)
Author Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Today's lesson? Worrying Its been my experience that no amount of worth of worrying about anything is worth so much as a good damn let alone a dime. Nothing good comes of it nor from it. It solves nothing, it un-does nothing, it changes nothing, it prevents nothing. It serves no useful purpose. It accomplishes nothing! All the more? You take ten things your worrying about, and about 10 never come about? Its the one thing that your not worried about that is going to come back to bite you in the @zz. What was? Was and is in the past and there's no going back and un-doing it. What is? Is ~ Just that plain and simple! What will be? Will be! The first thing they teach you in _______________warfare school (insert mountain, desert, jungle) is to access your situation, your resources, and seek to daily improve your situation toward the positive. And any little thing counts in such?
threebyfate Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Gunny, hope you don't mind me adding a couple of other things. Risk v. calculated risk: If you jump out of a plane with no parachute, expect to end up splattered all over the ground. But if you use a parachute, you can still get the thrills and chills out of life, and land safely, most of the time. Here and there, you might break a limb or two but you'll survive and recover fully. Short-term v. long-term thinking: "I feel so amazing right now, taking that hit of cocaine". "No thanks. I'm not going to use a crutch like cocaine. Life's enough of a high for me".
Author Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Gunny, hope you don't mind me adding a couple of other things. Risk v. calculated risk: If you jump out of a plane with no parachute, expect to end up splattered all over the ground. But if you use a parachute, you can still get the thrills and chills out of life, and land safely, most of the time. Here and there, you might break a limb or two but you'll survive and recover fully. Short-term v. long-term thinking: "I feel so amazing right now, taking that hit of cocaine". "No thanks. I'm not going to use a crutch like cocaine. Life's enough of a high for me". Not at all! I encourage any and all to post to this thead. BTW the best reason I've ever heard for not trying something like smoking, drinking, crack, snorting cocaine? Was from an old 36 year veteran of the Marine Corps ~ a Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant who said "I never tried it because I was afraid I might like it!" Once you've danced with the devil? You don't change HIM! He changes YOU!
Author Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 This thread is about how I and others coped, dealth with and survied the heartache and heartbreak of seperation of divorce. Its not my thread, but our thread.
mimidarlin Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I have to be a survivor. There isn't any other option. Even when I am feeling overwhelmed. I want to be proud of myself. Pain isn't fun but I'm hoping it will help me grow. I loved him. I really did and it hurts that he fell out of love. I was part of the problem but I was trying to be part of the solution. I tried very hard. That's all I can ask of myself. I deserve to be loved as well.
Author Gunny376 Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 "Identify your short comings and weaknesses and daily seek self improvement" One of the fourteen leadership traits.
Author Gunny376 Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 (edited) Today's lesson? Forgiveness! Its not listed as one of the five stages of grief. But its necessary! To forgive "them" to forgive yourself. Your failures, your shortcomings. To forgive yourself. Granted had you known X amount of years ago what you now know? You would have been a better _____________________ (fill in the blank) But you didn't! Going through Life hating yourself, beating yourself up over them and everyone in it? Is no way to live! You've got to forgive them, and yourself so you can get on with living your life to its fullest and to its top! Edited March 4, 2010 by Gunny376
sumdude Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 My favorite quotes on anger and the power of forgiveness. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. Buddha - Forgiving is not a gift to someone else - Forgiving is your gift to yourself - a great gift - the gift of happiness. - Jonathan Lockwood Huie
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 But it is the survivors that will take action and get to moving. Most are afraid that their world will collapse? But a survivor will welcome its collapse. Yep, I call it "the old me is dead and gone" Say goodbye to your past life, mourn it for a while and move on to your new exciting life Most of all? Dump all preconceived notions about the way life is suppose to be? Again Yep, the second you do that you free your mind to all the new and great possibilities in life.
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