bellenocturna Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Hello, I'm new here, and looking for advice. I've been married almost 2 years now. I've never really been interested sex. I was sexually abused as a child, and now as an adult, I don't want to be touched in a sexual way. My husband knows I was sexually abused, and knows I still have issues about it, but it doesn't stop him from grabbing my breasts or putting his hands between my legs, trying to turn me on. All it does is make me mad because I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do. We have sex every couple of weeks, but I don't enjoy it, and I wish he'd just stop trying and stop touching me. But then he gets mad because I turn him down so much. We fight all the time about it. I don't really care that it's not fair to him to not have sex. When I get really angry about it, I want to punish him by not having sex with him and hope that he cheats so I'll have a reason to divorce him. I know people will probably tell me to seek therapy, but I have been in therapy off and on since I was 5, and it's not helped.
SarahRose Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Why did you even get married? Were you having sex with him before marriage? You know this is not fair to him. You pretty much deceived him and are breaking your vows. Do what you want but don't expect him to stick around and put up with his crap as he won't
WalkInThePark Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Hello, I'm new here, and looking for advice. I've been married almost 2 years now. I've never really been interested sex. I was sexually abused as a child, and now as an adult, I don't want to be touched in a sexual way. My husband knows I was sexually abused, and knows I still have issues about it, but it doesn't stop him from grabbing my breasts or putting his hands between my legs, trying to turn me on. All it does is make me mad because I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do. We have sex every couple of weeks, but I don't enjoy it, and I wish he'd just stop trying and stop touching me. But then he gets mad because I turn him down so much. We fight all the time about it. I don't really care that it's not fair to him to not have sex. When I get really angry about it, I want to punish him by not having sex with him and hope that he cheats so I'll have a reason to divorce him. I know people will probably tell me to seek therapy, but I have been in therapy off and on since I was 5, and it's not helped. Honestly, I have a problem with women like you. I think sex is part of a healthy marriage so I think women (and men) like you should not be married and leave their sexual partners to men/women who are sexual themselves. I'm a woman who likes and loves sex (without being obsesses by it) but I don't have a partner. Yet I read all these stories here of people married to people who don't like sex. It is not fair. It's normal for healthy married people to want and have sex. Your husband is normal and probably frustrated as hell because you reject him. You should not blame him but blame yourself for not solving your problem. Sexual abuse can be overcome. I personally got a lot of negative messages about sex in my youth although I was not abused. It never prevented me from having a good sexlife. This is about taking responsibility. Your husband is going to have an affair or leave you if you don't do something about this problem. And he is right to do that.
giotto Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 you should just divorce him. Full stop. If your issues are not solvable, then you should set your husband free, instead of making him suffer like that. It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you, because you also have to do something you don't enjoy. Be honest with him and go separate ways... Hello, I'm new here, and looking for advice. I've been married almost 2 years now. I've never really been interested sex. I was sexually abused as a child, and now as an adult, I don't want to be touched in a sexual way. My husband knows I was sexually abused, and knows I still have issues about it, but it doesn't stop him from grabbing my breasts or putting his hands between my legs, trying to turn me on. All it does is make me mad because I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do. We have sex every couple of weeks, but I don't enjoy it, and I wish he'd just stop trying and stop touching me. But then he gets mad because I turn him down so much. We fight all the time about it. I don't really care that it's not fair to him to not have sex. When I get really angry about it, I want to punish him by not having sex with him and hope that he cheats so I'll have a reason to divorce him. I know people will probably tell me to seek therapy, but I have been in therapy off and on since I was 5, and it's not helped.
RedDevil66 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 ekkk, some harsh replies sexual abuse will pretty much kill all sexual desire. You do seem angry with your husband, but as I am sure you're aware, it's misplaced anger. Sort of like a smoke screen "be mad at him and that avoids your issues" sort of thing. If therapy didn't help, maybe you can try some hypnosis. I mean, some people just do not like sex and that is NOT a bad thing, but you need to adjust if you love your partner. But him grabbing you is a total turn off, even to someone who loves sex.
giotto Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 ekkk, some harsh replies But him grabbing you is a total turn off, even to someone who loves sex. He is grabbing because he's been rejected many times and he is getting desperate... maybe the replies are harsh, but the OP has been in therapy since she was 5... I do agree that the OP needs to try different avenues, but how long is it going to take? Is this fair on her husband?
RedDevil66 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 He is grabbing because he's been rejected many times and he is getting desperate... maybe the replies are harsh, but the OP has been in therapy since she was 5... I do agree that the OP needs to try different avenues, but how long is it going to take? Is this fair on her husband? rejection is not a reason to grab someone, not to mention,it's a total turn off and not in any way romantic. The OP has been sexually abused and the ramifications of abuse are severe. It will take as long as it takes. Abuse takes a lifetime to heal
Golfilla Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 ekkk, some harsh replies sexual abuse will pretty much kill all sexual desire. You do seem angry with your husband, but as I am sure you're aware, it's misplaced anger. Sort of like a smoke screen "be mad at him and that avoids your issues" sort of thing. I think it's more of a "the real cause of my anger isn't around, but my husband is a convenient scapegoat" scenario. I'm with the people who say it's time to leave. The OP needs to get away from this guy and either resolve her issues about sex, or marry a man who has a low sex drive where it won't be a problem. Sex is an issue that couples should work out BEFORE they commit to a marriage, and it's important to be with someone who has similar views to yourself.
troggleputty Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 So, it sounds like you're denying sex to your H as a way to manipulate him into having an affair so that you have a reason to divorce him (your words)? If the issue was just sexual incompatibility due to your history of being abused, you wouldn't need to manipulate him to have an affair so as to give you a "reason" to divorce him. You already have a reason: sexual incompatibility. In fact you wouldn't want to divorce him at all. You would either 1) want to learn how to enjoy sex with him or 2) want to figure out how to make him stop having sex with you. Even if you gave him permission to have affairs simply as a sexual outlet, due to your dislike of sex (or so you claim), why divorce him if you otherwise loved him? So in fact what you are really talking about is depriving your H of sex specifically in order to make him do something (have an affair) which will then make you the "good guy/wronged party" in a divorce. I think there is more to this than you are letting on. Specifically there are financial issues and you don't want to let him go because you married him for his money/lifestyle, not because you loved him. Sex or no sex. Therefore you need for him to have an affair before you can divorce him so as to put yourself in a better posture re: property settlement/alimony. As far as you not liking sex at all, I don't believe that. Just because you were sexually abused doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex with anyone, ever, at any time. Obviously if that were really the case you never would have started having sex with your H in the first place, you wouldn't have married him knowing how he feels about sex; and you certainly wouldn't be able to tolerate it every two weeks now. Like so many other sex-denying wives here on LS, you have titrated your giving of sexual favors in a calculated manner and have figured out the minimum you can give out without facing serious unpleasant repercussions (i.e. immediate filing for divorce by your H due to lack of sex). But it's all calculated, and it's all voluntary, and it's all deliberate on your part.
BB07 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I'm shocked by how harsh some of the responses here are. Obviously you shouldn't pay much attention to those as they don't have any understanding of sexual abuse. So just discard the harsh ones.....OK. I'm wondering how you really feel about your lack of desire for sex, would you be OK with not having any if you were alone or would you like to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with a partner/your husband? BTW.......your husband grabbing you can't be helping anything. It sounds like he is treating you as an object and not being respectful, in fact I would consider it an assault, unless it was done in a playful way. Tell us more about him grabbing you, is it playful or is it rough and demanding?
RedDevil66 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I'm shocked by how harsh some of the responses here are. Obviously you shouldn't pay much attention to those as they don't have any understanding of sexual abuse. So just discard the harsh ones.....OK. I'm wondering how you really feel about your lack of desire for sex, would you be OK with not having any if you were alone or would you like to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with a partner/your husband? BTW.......your husband grabbing you can't be helping anything. It sounds like he is treating you as an object and not being respectful, in fact I would consider it an assault, unless it was done in a playful way. Tell us more about him grabbing you, is it playful or is it rough and demanding? I totally agree and I sense these harsh replies are from the younger crowd.
lkjh Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Is it just me or is sexual abuse an excuse for everything. I don't doubt the OP, but has anyone else noticed when there is a woman who is very open sexually and ends up cheating she also blames it on sexual abuse. OP, just divorce your H because what you are doing is not right and unfair. On top of that- and I know this will piss some off- you are not fulfilling your wifely duties.
Author bellenocturna Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Belle, can I ask how old you are? I am 26. So is he. Were you having sex with him before marriage? No. is it playful or is it rough and demanding I guess you could say it was playful. But I still don't like it. It makes me feel trapped and vulnerable in a way that is not comfortable. And for those saying I need to just divorce him and let him go on his merry way, I can't. I am Hindu, and not having sex is not a valid reason to get divorced.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) Were you more or less expected to marry him? If you were pressured into marrying him for cultural reasons, then I am truly sorry for you being pushed into something like this, and being expected to remain in it. Edited February 26, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
ladydesigner Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I have to agree that a lot of posters have been harsh. I am a sexual abuse survivor and I can sympathize with you. Although I kinda had the flip side growing up in that I became promiscuous and had no regard for my body. Now I am in a marriage that is somewhat sexless not completely and there are times when my H touches me that it feels like molesting. It doesn't help that my H is addicted to porn and takes a very very long time to climax. Don't get me wrong sometimes those long periods of sex are good just not every night kwim. One thing that really helps me when I feel like the sex is going down the road that feels dirty to me is I try to imagine myself as someone else that he is f**king, so it is not really me. I know it sounds crazy but it works for me and actually is a turn on for me to imagine him having sex with someone else. Maybe you and yor H should try more cuddling and less sexual touching before having the sex maybe ease into rather than him just grabbing and groping (I hate when my H does this) There is nothing worse than manhandling when you are not in the mood. Is there a way to divorce if you are not happy and you really just want to be by yourself?
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 OP, would issues surrounding dowry and/or an extramarital affair be sufficient grounds for a divorce? Sometimes, for some people, it's better to go through life outside of a committed, intimate relationship, for such relationships infer responsibilities, one of which you are currently having difficulties with. I hope it works out for you
Author bellenocturna Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Ladydesigner, divorce is very looked down on in my culture. In order to get a divorce, there has to be a valid, provable reason. Like cheating or abuse. And if I get divorced, I can't remarry.
ladydesigner Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Ladydesigner, divorce is very looked down on in my culture. In order to get a divorce, there has to be a valid, provable reason. Like cheating or abuse. And if I get divorced, I can't remarry.Sorry you are going through this. Maybe your H will cheat it sounds like that is what you want and I don't know any man that will stay sexless. If he does cheat would you still be looked down upon for divorce? Are you happy with your H? and is it just the sex that bothers you?
Author bellenocturna Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Sorry you are going through this. Maybe your H will cheat it sounds like that is what you want and I don't know any man that will stay sexless. If he does cheat would you still be looked down upon for divorce? No, he would be the one ostracized, not me. But I would not be able to ever remarry. Are you happy with your H? and is it just the sex that bothers you? I would be fine with it if there were no sex involved. I like it when we just "hang out" together. But I don't know about happy. I didn't know him when we got married, and this whole sex thing has made me not want to get to know him.
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 OP, not understanding your culture, are you forced to marry at a certain age? Can you go through life without ever marrying? If you were to divorce, you say you could never marry again. That means you would be single the rest of your life. As a single person, you can 'hang out' with great people and enjoy life at the level which is comfortable for you. Evidently, sex is not comfortable nor desired. That's OK Accepting one's path is part of inner peace.
ladydesigner Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 OP, not understanding your culture, are you forced to marry at a certain age? Can you go through life without ever marrying? If you were to divorce, you say you could never marry again. That means you would be single the rest of your life. As a single person, you can 'hang out' with great people and enjoy life at the level which is comfortable for you. Evidently, sex is not comfortable nor desired. That's OK Accepting one's path is part of inner peace. This was beautifully said Carhill
nddb Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 OP, not understanding your culture, are you forced to marry at a certain age? Can you go through life without ever marrying? If you were to divorce, you say you could never marry again. That means you would be single the rest of your life. As a single person, you can 'hang out' with great people and enjoy life at the level which is comfortable for you. Evidently, sex is not comfortable nor desired. That's OK Accepting one's path is part of inner peace. Carhill: Why do you have to go all logical and stuff? To the OP: Yes, let the poor guy go. Culture or not, divorces do occur. It sounds like you are just looking for an excuse to stay married to avoid social stigma and have companionship, but not willing to put in the part that's required to maintain it. This is akin to taking in a very active and affectionate dog, but then refusing to touch and walk/exercise a dog because you had some issues in your past that made you uncomfortable touching and exercising the dog. I understand your excuse may be valid, but to the dog, that's just plain cruel and hurtful. For men, sex is that fundamental to our well-being and necessary to maintain a healthy marriage. That's why we court, chase, get all infatuated, and compete to win the object of our amour. That's why the species survive. To deny that is to be as cruel as the owner in the dog example. Don't continue the excuse and bury-your-head-in-the-sand cycle. Just end it.
carhill Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I mentioned the potential to the OP because I lived an asexual (virgin) lifestyle years beyond her age and had many wonderful, satisfying friendships with women, and know it's possible for her to do the same if she doesn't want to have sex. That said, the difference between an intimate relationship and/or marriage and a close and loving and satisfying friendship *is* sex and the intimacies which attend to it, both physical and emotional. If the OP isn't up for that, she isnt. No harm; she's not a bad person. As a loving human being, she should necessarily realize that her husband's perspective aligns with most people's regarding intimate relationships and that it is normal to have sexual intimacy within such. To me, her love and respect for herself and her husband should be the impetus either for letting him go or making earnest efforts to work on herself and getting well out of her comfort zone to effect that goal. OP, what do you want here? Concurrently, what do you feel is right and healthy?
summerautumn Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I am sorry you are going through this. Regardless of what you decide to do with your marriage, please know that you don't have to live with the effects of the trauma for the rest of your life. There are methods (not therapy) that I personally can attest that work in permanently resolving emotional issues. Ask me about it if you are interested. Hello, I'm new here, and looking for advice. I've been married almost 2 years now. I've never really been interested sex. I was sexually abused as a child, and now as an adult, I don't want to be touched in a sexual way. My husband knows I was sexually abused, and knows I still have issues about it, but it doesn't stop him from grabbing my breasts or putting his hands between my legs, trying to turn me on. All it does is make me mad because I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do. We have sex every couple of weeks, but I don't enjoy it, and I wish he'd just stop trying and stop touching me. But then he gets mad because I turn him down so much. We fight all the time about it. I don't really care that it's not fair to him to not have sex. When I get really angry about it, I want to punish him by not having sex with him and hope that he cheats so I'll have a reason to divorce him. I know people will probably tell me to seek therapy, but I have been in therapy off and on since I was 5, and it's not helped.
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