psom Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I caught my husband lying for the 2nd time now about a female coworker. It seems they have been texting frequently and now it has spilled over into occasional night and weekend texting. If he gets a text from her, he lies to me by saying it's someone else and then deletes her incoming text. I've caught him twice by looking through his Sent texts and seeing that he was replying to her instead of who he said texted him. These are not work-related texts and it seems right now to be more flirty than sexual, but I don't really know since I only see his outgoing texts. At any rate, even flirty is not acceptable to me. I also know he lied about being out to lunch with his boss when he was out to lunch with her. I have not confronted him yet because I want to see how this escalates and slap him with proof positive. But on the other hand, if there was nothing going on, why delete only her incoming texts (he keeps other people's) and then lie about who is texting him? Do I wait for the proof or just go ahead with separation? Should I wait if it's probably coming to that anyway?
JaneInVegas Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 How do you know he was at lunch with her instead of his boss? Do you know this for sure, or only second hand information? If you know you can eventually get past an affair (if that's really what it is, it sounds circumstantial so far) maybe you should wait before splitting up with him. I hate seeing relationships end without much effort being made to fix them. It sounds like you caught a potential affair before it could get out of hand. I would go with your gut instincts, they're most always right.
bittersweet memories Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 How do you know he was at lunch with her instead of his boss? Do you know this for sure, or only second hand information? If you know you can eventually get past an affair (if that's really what it is, it sounds circumstantial so far) maybe you should wait before splitting up with him. I hate seeing relationships end without much effort being made to fix them. It sounds like you caught a potential affair before it could get out of hand. I would go with your gut instincts, they're most always right. I agree as well.. You should wait and gather more evidence and eventually confront him. Hopefully you guys can work this out.
Author psom Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Well, again, I don't have proof that he wasn't with his boss at lunch. But I called him while he was at lunch and heard a female voice in the background make a remark to the conversation we were having. While his boss is female, I've known his boss for 10 years both personally and professionally, and I can most definitely say that voice was not his boss'. Back to the big picture, if an affair has not happened yet, is there any way to really stop it? And why all the secrecy about her texts and her texts only? Why lie and delete messages if there's nothing going on? At what point do you confront him? After you have proof of the affair or try to preempt it by giving proof now? What's the point of trying to work on things when he's already proven to be untrustworthy? Believe me, I want to save the marriage, but right now I don't see that possibility if I have to constantly check up on him. That's not what a marriage is to me. Please forgive all the indecisiveness. This is, of course, a very emotional situation for me.
2sunny Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 when there's nothing to hide - people don't hide things. he's cheating already otherwise his hiding texts and information wouldn't be necessary. the question is - what are you going to do about it now that you know? to do nothing is the same as approval for him to continue on the way he's been with her - or better yet - have it escalate - and believe me - it will if you don't put the brakes on it. is she married? if so, her H needs to know as well. if i were you - i'd tell him i know... i'd tell him where my boundary is. he needs to either eliminate her completely or you have him move out immediately.
nowomanocry Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I'm sorry to hear this I know it's hard but keep on with occasional spying activities lol , play the dumb (I know that this is very difficult - I can't do it myself) ... Sooner or later he will make a mistake and you will prove yourself (hopefully) wrong or (I hope not) you will find yourself right This has happened to me in my previous relationships and I can so understand how you feel - it is terrible can't describe it Good luck hun
MadMission Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Tell him that you have been made aware, by a 'source,' that he may be cheating on you. DO NOT REVEAL THE SOURCE...ie the phone activity. When you confront him, keep your emotions in check. Have his undivided attention and be FACING him looking in his eyes. Do not sound accusing or assuming or judgemental or critical. Just ask him in a matter-of-fact, non-threatening way...so that he will feel safe to fess-up in that moment. YOUR attitude may make all the difference between him feeling comfortable/safe to be honest with you AND him feeling attacked, and thus a need to be defensive and share nothing with you. See what he says. If he confesses....then great...you can talk about what happened, how he feels, and what he's going to do about it, etc, etc. If he denies. Accept it and say nothing more about it. Then, CONTINUE TO MONITOR HIS PHONE ACTIVITY. As long as you do not divulge that you saw his texts, he will likely continue to use his phone...preserving your window into their relationship. Whatever you do, do NOT tell him that you checked his phone. They will stop using it as a means of contact. This will not end their inappropriate contact. They will just become resourceful and maintain their relationship through other means...easy go-phone purchase will take care of that. You really have to play this right if you want to get to the TRUTH about what is going on between them. Good luck.
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