spiderowl Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) Hi, well I'm on a couple of dating sites and would really like to meet a nice man. Unfortunately, I've been messed around so much by men that I can't trust any. This has happened on the sites with guys who are just looking for NSA sex messaging me, despite me making it clear I'm interested in a long-term, committed relationship. Also, I had two brief relationships which went horribly wrong. First guy was really interested and even told me he loved me and introduced me to his parents. He seemed serious, even though at the time we were supposedly having a casual relationship. When I eventually thought I may be misjudging this man and he really cared for me, I started to fall for him, he abruptly turned round and said it wasn't for him. It was so unexpected, given his behaviour, that I was completely shaken up and shocked and suffered lots of the physical symptoms of shock - palpitations, flashbacks, and so forth. It took me ages to get over and I was shattered for a while. Next, I met a man who seemed kind, thoughtful and sensitive. I was with him for a few weeks but it had got to the physical stage. He left one day for work and I never heard from him again. He lived about 30 miles from me. When I tried to contact him (as usual) to see if he was OK, as he did a job that could be dangerous, he ignored my texts and phone messages. I only left a couple as I didn't want to harass the guy. Thinking something was wrong with his phone, I left an email for him, but no response to that. Eventually, he sent a text message back effectively saying 'eff off' and nothing more. Considering he'd left me a couple of days earlier with a smile and kiss in the morning, it was a big shock. It was only in retrospect that I realised this guy had probably lied from start to finish and was just a player. He was very clever though and seemed a normal, average sort of person. Anyway, the point is I'm a lot wiser now and know what to look for. I'm simply finding it impossible to trust any man's motives. I'm talking to a guy now who seems genuine and sweet. He's making a real effort to get to know me, but all the time I'm thinking this means nothing. He could turn around and hurt me any time, so just don't get involved. The men I met before seemed to care, paid attention, gave me their landline numbers and did all the right things. Every time I think of telliing this guy something about myself that would bring him closer if he were genuine, I think why bother, don't even go there. I've had guys get frustrated with me and say 'you are hard to get to know'. I've blown a lot off by just not accepting invitations or spending time with them when they've suggested it. I know that not all guys are liars or players, but I just can't trust them to be constant. They sense I'm being superficial and get frustrated. They suggest meeting and I don't respond because I'm afraid I might meet them, like them even more and then get hurt. Is there any way I can get over all this? I would be really grateful for some new ideas on this because I'm reaching the end of the road. If I can't trust there's no hope. Edited February 26, 2010 by spiderowl
Mimsicles Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Hi there. I think the only way to get over things like this is to just keep on going and meeting new people. I know your afraid of getting hurt, but you can't become happy unless you get to know someone. I was the same as you and I didn't trust anyone because i felt that when i did they would break my heart at the end of it. Im the one dumped for no reason after 2 years! but to be honest if it wasn't for all the set backs and the unhappy times i was put through, I dont think I would be the person I am today! Its hard to accept but there are genuinly nice men out there, they may be hard to find but the do exist!!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Wow, that isn't an easy set of examples to draw conclusions from... I was totally baffled until re-reading (the implication )that these were all guys from dating sites. That allows for the chance there could be other threads at work common to them which aren't "you". That is probably your best conclusion, so now you have to allow yourself to tackle the next such prospect as if the others listed here had not happened at all!! I am not suggesting that all guys from dating sites are bad, but when you consider the free-for-all that dating sites are, it stands to reason that a decent woman could encounter a consecutive trio such as what you described above. Stop trying to draw further conclusions about yourself or your actions and just go back in there as if you had zero prior experiences meeting men from that particular site. (no, it won't be easy to keep from trying to find an 'answer' where YOU might not even be the question)
Author spiderowl Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Thanks for your comments, they are much appreciated. I really need input because I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to trust men. Yes, they were all online, but one actually lived very near to me (200 yards) though I didn't know it at first. I'm so stuck now. Do I tell anyone new what happened? Surely they need to know where I'm coming from? When do I tell them? How can I get over this fear that they are just going to turn round and do the same thing? This guy I'm talking to seems really nice. He's getting a bit concerned about my negative attitude though, or rather lack of self-confidence and optimism. I don't even know why he's talking to me. He's emailing and texting every day (nice emails and texts) and phoning me too if I'm going to be at home that day. He's happy to make friends and hasn't specifically said he's looking for romance. I'm just wondering why he's talking to me, what his motives are. He is some distance away too. I don't want to put the guy off by being negative but, on the other hand, I can't pretend all this never happened. It was traumatic really.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 He's getting a bit concerned about my negative attitude though, or rather lack of self-confidence and optimism. This is precisely the reason why you need to start acting as if those others didn't happen. Understand that it could have been "them", independent of you, and press on.
LynnM28 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Sometimes making sure you are "clear" on what you want in your own head can make all the difference...do you have a written list of qualities you would like in an SO? I wrote such a list in my early twenties, with 30 items that were important to me, everything from spiritual beliefs, likes and dislikes, and personality traits...right down to eye and hair color! Seems crazy, but a couple years later I moved, and the list got packed away...a couple more years passed, I met and within a year married an amazing guy...several years after we married I found the list, and he had every single quality, right down to the hair and eye color...wow! 16 years later...so far, so good :-) Lol...clarity may be the ticket to focus on the right guys...
Author spiderowl Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 I do have a mental list but even though I'm talking to a lovely man, in the back of my mind I'm thinking - he's really good at talking with women so he's been practising a lot (is a player), he's totally lying about his circumstances and I can't check because we are some distance apart, he's not at all serious, he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear, he's only after a conquest and wouldn't stay for long, he'll pretend he's interested for a short while then get bored. I just cannot believe that a man would be genuinely interested in pursuing a meaningful relationship and not just sex. People saying not all men are like that doesn't help! In my experience, most of those who persisted in their approach were only looking for a conquest. I guess the shyer ones don't even get that far because they give up too easily! I'm not that easy to get close to.
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