RibbonCandy Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I have a question maybe some people can give me some answers to. I was recently in a friends w/benefits relationship with a man. This relationship lasted a year, with me mostly chasing after him and him going hot and cold and giving me lots of mixed signals. We did have some fun, though, along with some ups and downs. At the end (at least I’m assuming it’s the end) he made plans with me, then ignored my attempts to contact him to verify those plans. This wasn’t the first time he’d done this to me, and I got upset and ‘went off’ on him, though not in a threatening way. Just blew off frustration and called him on his behavior via a couple of text messages. I later followed up those texts with an email in which I more calmly explained exactly why I was upset. Because how hard is it to just text someone and tell them you can't get together afterall, rather than leaving them hanging? He finally called and we talked, and he told me all this really ‘freaked him out’, and he brought up some other things as well. Things which he could have mentioned MONTHS earlier. Then told me not to contact him until he contacted me first. I had never heard of NC before, and since he claimed to be “freaked out”, I felt pretty darn bad. I’m a nice woman. I don’t freak people out. So after some weeks, I emailed him a sincere apology, taking responsibility for my own behavior. I felt (and still feel) some of his complaints had merit, regardless of the fact he could have mentioned it waaaay sooner instead of waiting til the end to hold it against me. Then, a few weeks after sending the apology for my part, (and I did not place on him any expectation of a return apology) I gave him a call to try to touch base and see if we were cool. Well, apparently contacting him first was a big no-no, and it seemed to ENRAGE him. (again, I had never even heard of the NC policy until after all of this. I didn’t believe there would be any harm in sending an apology after a few weeks, then trying to touch base a few weeks after that.) He demanded that I delete all of his contact information and never contact him again. This was pretty traumatic, but in the time that I’ve known him I’ve come to strongly believe he has a narcissistic personality, though I freely admit I’m not always a picnic myself (but I can admit when I’m wrong, I have a good heart and I honestly strive to be a good person.) So my question is, has anyone had this experience with a narcissistic personality where THEY imposed the NC, almost like a punishment? If so, did they maintain it or eventually break it? Did they reconnect with you? I’m not even sure I'd want this person back in my life because he jerked me around A LOT, though there are definitely aspects of him I enjoyed and certainly will miss. Friends and family are telling me not be surprised if eventually I hear from him again, but it's hard to say if I will. I just would like an idea of what to expect. ?????? thanks for listening, everyone. [/FONT][/sIZE]
SarahRose Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 The real question is why do girls insist on picking the worst scum they could possibly chose when there are so many normal interested men around?
califnan Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 SarahRose said it all .. in one sentence .. to let you know that it isn't you, Ribbon. If this man is available (his behaviour sounds like he isn't), there is no reason for him to use you at his convenience, and cast you aside when he wishes. You are remembering the good parts of he - and your relationship with him, that's probably why you even care - outside of being curious.. There is a possibility that he could contact you at another time.. Busy yourself with other interests and ignore him. Should he contact you, you may wish to take into consideration - that you would not wish to have a relationship with someone who will turn you on - then walk away...
paleblue Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 i used to deal with the silent treatment from my ex. it is a form of abuse and an attempt to control you. and it is selfish. because i was still hung up on her i waited around instead of moving on - and yes, i did hear back from her again. but you are right - why should you want this person back? i mean your not even a real couple and you are already dealing with this. from my experience (and it was hard won) i have realized that people dont usually change - especially this kind of behavior. they will do it again. its hard to say whether you will hear from him again. but do you really want too? i mean some time could go by, you might miss each other, and be happy getting back, but i think the same thing will just happen again. which means you are basically wasting your time. when you could be spending your time looking for someone who wont jerk you around and wants to be with you. seriously. second time around i learned. after my ex -i started seeing this girl - 6 months. i wouldnt even call it a relationship -she is queen prude. but she tried jerking me around. without getting into the details - i wound up telling her - you're a jerk! she got mad (not unusual generally speaking for her anyway) - told me she is never contacting me again - that was 3 weeks ago. guess what?? im not waiting around this time. see yaaaa. im not wasting my time with someone who is wishy washy - nor should you.
LostInLimbo Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 The real question is why do girls insist on picking the worst scum they could possibly chose when there are so many normal interested men around? I use to ask that as well, I am male and went through some terrible times in the past few yrs with my ex, to the point where I was asking myself, why did/do I keep going back to a person, she who treats me so terrible, with the lying and cheating especially.... Going to councelling to hope get that answer..... LiL
Author RibbonCandy Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm feeling a lot better.
lunar_rabbit Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 So my question is, has anyone had this experience with a narcissistic personality where THEY imposed the NC, almost like a punishment? If so, did they maintain it or eventually break it? Did they reconnect with you? Yes, I'm currently going through this (also with a man I was FWB with). In fact, it was a little creepy to read this post - I could basically have written it myself. Anyway, my ex did this to me no less than *three* times in two years. First two times he quit speaking to me for 4 or 5 months because I said things he didn't like, and he didn't respond to my emails or texts in all those weeks, no matter how desperate they were. He reconnected with me both times. I think part of me expects he'll try contacting me again in a few months, but this time he won't get a reply. Because it is indeed a way to control you. They like feeling as though they have the power to make you desperate and upset or relieved and happy by withdrawing or reinstating their contact at a whim. It's just cruel. However, you have more control over the situation than you think, because you can turn the tables on him and say to yourself, "No, I've had enough of being ignored".
Author RibbonCandy Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Thanks for sharing your experience, lunar. Did yours insist you throw out his contact info? I complied though it's committed to memory. This guy is successful/confidant and has no trouble meeting new people and has a lot of friends, so I'm not really sure if I'll hear from him again, though there were times we genuinly did "click", even by his own admission. If I do, I won't shun him, because it's not in my heart to be that way, but my blinders will be off. Anyhow, as I mentioned in my post, he did have some merit to his complaints, and regardless of whether I hear from him again, I'm committed to improving in those areas. All in all, it feels good to focus on myself again, rather than running after someone else.
lunar_rabbit Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 No, he didn't - he removed me from his IM contacts list and ignored my texts/emails, but he never insisted I get rid of his contact info. This last time though, I just did it anyway. And my ex is also the super gregarious confident type, and he also had a little reason to complain in our relationship, so I understand how you feel. You sound like you've learned from the experience, at least! That which does not kill us will only make us stronger and all that
GrayClouds Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 The problem with friends with benefits is they soon become friends with expectations, which then it becomes friends with benifis with some sort of commitment, and then that seems a lot like a good old fashion realtionship. If he wanted a relationship he would have chosen a realtionship. If you want benefits with expectations you should hold out for a relationship with commitment.
Recommended Posts