new2allthis Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 So I kinda need some advice from some people… My bf and I were together for 1 yr 10 mo and I ended things. I discovered his porn problem 6 months into our relationship and discovered that it was way worse than I thought. I was devastated that he needed more than me on a consistent basis (4 or 5 x’s/week) when he was getting all he needed from me also. So we talked about it and I told him how I felt and how it made me feel insecure like I couldn’t measure up and I told him you know I don’t really care if you look at it with me…but by yourself and in place of me is totally not fair. He said he would stop and got really defensive about it. He likes to think that he can do anything…we discussed the possibility of it being an addiction and he just wouldn’t have it, he refuses that it’s an addiction. He kept saying he would stop. I asked him several times over the course of the next few months and every time he would just get frustrated and say he wasn’t looking at it anymore…so I dropped it and choose to trust him. So fast forward a year and I end up going to his house unexpectedly and he didn’t have time to clear his history on his browser. I end up checking my facebook and I’m starting to type in “Facebook” and all of these other sites from the history give me the option of choosing them also. So I check the history and to my shock there were hundreds of sites that he had visited over the last couple weeks and they were all of women that I don’t even compare to. I was again devastated and felt completely betrayed. He was lying to me over the last couple year…I mean he is my best friend…we did everything together…we have had such an amazing relationship and we never fought about major things. We are really on the same page in so many areas and I feel like he is my soul mate. We are completely perfect for each other and so compatible. I feel so lost without him. He is 40 and I am 25 and honestly I love the age gap…there are so many things that we had chemistry in that it was never an issue. He has never been married though and all of his past relationships have failed also (no kids either). I kinda feel like this porn thing has a lot to do with his lack/fear of commitment. Like he has made some kind of dependency on it and doesn’t feel like he needs other people. Well when I found all of this out in December….I cancelled our mutual trips for Christmas. We were going home to his family for 1 week to TX and then to my family 1 week in CO. I went home and he went home instead…I just needed time to think. I felt so betrayed. Why wasn’t he honest with me?? I mean we were best friends. And now I am in between a rock and a hard place, because I had told him at 6 months if he was at least honest with me then we could work together on it, but if he wasn’t honest and I caught him again I would leave. So we come back from Christmas and he doesn’t work on it until I ask him about it and he kept saying that he wasn’t looking at it, but now I can’t trust him. I couldn’t even look him in the eye…then it just got so akward that I called out a 2-week time out to think about things and work on ourselves. Then after 4 days of thinking about things I called him and broke up with him. That was Jan. 22nd…we talked on and off for the next couple weeks and it was really hard. He said that he has never loved anyone like he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Then I started NC 2 weeks ago because it was just too much for me to continue contact when he doesn’t think this porn thing is an issue. I just don’t know if he is capable of committing to a serious relationship at 40 if he has never been married, and doesn’t really fight for our relationship. And he lies…and he is totally addicted to porn. I mean I really feel like these are things we can work through and the relationship is worth it. We make each other better people you know, and our relationship was fantastic other than these things. What should I do?? Do I need to move on…or should I continue fighting for this?? In your opinion are these things that are changeable in a person who has been addicted for 25 years and doesn’t realize yet that it IS an addiction?? Will he ever realize?? Will he come around or am I wasting my time w/false hope?? Did I do the right thing by walking away?? Thanks for your input. I am still devastated…about this whole thing so if you want to be mean please don’t post anything. I just want honest feedback. Thanks!!
aerogurl87 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 He has never been married though and all of his past relationships have failed also (no kids either). I kinda feel like this porn thing has a lot to do with his lack/fear of commitment. 40 years old + all past relationships being failures + commitment phobic = Not good boyfriend/husband material in my mind. Ok, so let's forget for a second that he even has a porn problem maybe and focus on this. He can't commit and even you said it yourself. That alone should be enough reason for you to walk and stay away from being in a relationship with him. If that's not enough think of how he lied to you about his porn habit.
carnegie Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 (edited) I know how you feel and what you are facing. That's terrible, huh. In anyway, I vote for letting him go and going NC. It's just the best solution for your heart. Please read these links bellow when you decide to heal your heart and win him back. I hope they are useful for you! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ by the way, please pray for Caliguy, who wrote these posts, had have an accident some days ago and is in hospital now! Edited February 26, 2010 by carnegie
nowomanocry Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 As he's 40 y.o and you can not change him, you either take it or leave it hun Good luck
sunrae Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 If it bothers you that much, then it sounds like to me you made the right decision for yourself and you need to continue to move forward with you life. You are still young and have so many good things to look forward to in your future. He's not going to try to get help for a problem he doesnt think he has and he's not going to change anything that he doesnt see as being wrong.
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