Worst break up ever!! He is my soul-mate...should I move on??

[new2allthis]

So I kinda need some advice from some people…

 

My bf and I were together for 1 yr 10 mo and I ended things. I discovered his porn problem 6 months into our relationship and discovered that it was way worse than I thought. I was devastated that he needed more than me on a consistent basis (4 or 5 x’s/week) when he was getting all he needed from me also. So we talked about it and I told him how I felt and how it made me feel insecure like I couldn’t measure up and I told him you know I don’t really care if you look at it with me…but by yourself and in place of me is totally not fair. He said he would stop and got really defensive about it. He likes to think that he can do anything…we discussed the possibility of it being an addiction and he just wouldn’t have it, he refuses that it’s an addiction. He kept saying he would stop. I asked him several times over the course of the next few months and every time he would just get frustrated and say he wasn’t looking at it anymore…so I dropped it and choose to trust him.

 

So fast forward a year and I end up going to his house unexpectedly and he didn’t have time to clear his history on his browser. I end up checking my facebook and I’m starting to type in “Facebook” and all of these other sites from the history give me the option of choosing them also. So I check the history and to my shock there were hundreds of sites that he had visited over the last couple weeks and they were all of women that I don’t even compare to.

 

I was again devastated and felt completely betrayed. He was lying to me over the last couple year…I mean he is my best friend…we did everything together…we have had such an amazing relationship and we never fought about major things. We are really on the same page in so many areas and I feel like he is my soul mate. We are completely perfect for each other and so compatible. I feel so lost without him.

 

He is 40 and I am 25 and honestly I love the age gap…there are so many things that we had chemistry in that it was never an issue. He has never been married though and all of his past relationships have failed also (no kids either). I kinda feel like this porn thing has a lot to do with his lack/fear of commitment. Like he has made some kind of dependency on it and doesn’t feel like he needs other people.

 

Well when I found all of this out in December….I cancelled our mutual trips for Christmas. We were going home to his family for 1 week to TX and then to my family 1 week in CO. I went home and he went home instead…I just needed time to think. I felt so betrayed. Why wasn’t he honest with me?? I mean we were best friends. And now I am in between a rock and a hard place, because I had told him at 6 months if he was at least honest with me then we could work together on it, but if he wasn’t honest and I caught him again I would leave.

 

So we come back from Christmas and he doesn’t work on it until I ask him about it and he kept saying that he wasn’t looking at it, but now I can’t trust him. I couldn’t even look him in the eye…then it just got so akward that I called out a 2-week time out to think about things and work on ourselves. Then after 4 days of thinking about things I called him and broke up with him. That was Jan. 22nd…we talked on and off for the next couple weeks and it was really hard. He said that he has never loved anyone like he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Then I started NC 2 weeks ago because it was just too much for me to continue contact when he doesn’t think this porn thing is an issue. I just don’t know if he is capable of committing to a serious relationship at 40 if he has never been married, and doesn’t really fight for our relationship. And he lies…and he is totally addicted to porn. I mean I really feel like these are things we can work through and the relationship is worth it. We make each other better people you know, and our relationship was fantastic other than these things.

 

What should I do?? Do I need to move on…or should I continue fighting for this?? In your opinion are these things that are changeable in a person who has been addicted for 25 years and doesn’t realize yet that it IS an addiction?? Will he ever realize?? Will he come around or am I wasting my time w/false hope?? Did I do the right thing by walking away??

 

Thanks for your input. I am still devastated…about this whole thing so if you want to be mean please don’t post anything. I just want honest feedback.

 

Thanks!!

[GrayClouds]

Time to move on:

 

So you want a second chance?

 

You do not have to make deals for love, you do not lie to keep love, love does not make you feel insecure. This is not love.

 

You deserve better.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

JerseyShortie will be along presently wrt the porn aspects...

 

I was a 40 y/o unmarried male a decade ago. I wanted a family. I was pretty clear about commitment being a high priority. Men are clear and direct when they want something. There is no ambiguity.

 

If you are not getting what you need and want from this relationship and have communicated that to no avail, the only move IMO is for the exit. I know that 'soul-mate' refrain. Lived it. You can be soul-mates and not healthy for each other. It happens. Hope you get the support and advice you need

[fooled]

New, he is not your soul mate. He is incapable of being anyone's soul mate. Your instincts and assessment of the relationship are sound otherwise. You don't need to fight for someone who considers you an option rather than a priority. Move on. You have learned something about addiction and know how to spot it in the future - so next time you can nip it in the bud and not lose a year of your life and time to it.

 

Best of luck to you! You know what you want. Don't settle for less.

[ann09]

I have a question for you. How is (was) your sex life? Was he there for you? Attentive? Does he treat you well in other ways?

 

Just asking because all he was doing was viewing porn on his own time. You say you can't measure up to these girls? Do you honestly think he would want a relationship with them?? Take them home to his mom? Doubtful. You call it an addiction - and hell maybe it is - but more than likely he's just horny as hell and does what he does during his spare time.

 

Hey I don't dig the porn watching thing all that much either - it's hurtful in many ways - so I am not taking his side in this - but I am just wondering if he is perfect in other ways and this is just one flaw?

[fooled]

Sorry Ann09, but I disagree completely. It has nothing to do with sex with her and everything to do with one person never being enough. He has a fantasy life that exceeds what any one person can do - in that he wishes he could have sex with all of these other women. And not specifically the ones in the videos - he just wishes he could have that lifestyle. It's a big problem - not "just one flaw."

[new2allthis]

GrayClouds-I think you are so right about love not making you insecure. I really did just become more insecure during this whole relationship, because I always felt as if I would never measure up.

 

Carhill-What you said about guys not being ambiguous makes a lot of sense...I just sometimes use everything he always told me about wanting to be together forever...and BLAH BLAH BLAH!! I kinda feel like he just has strung me along for almost 2 years now and I don't really know where I missed the big red sign that said "EXIT NOW"

 

Ann09- Yes he was extremely attentive in every way. Seriously our relationship was 2 years of complete bliss..Our sex life was affected really drastically though because I never wanted to have it because I always was comparing myself. Thinking "I wonder if he is really in the moment right now...or if he is off in some fantasy with some other woman??" I didn't really enjoy it that much. So I guess our "whole" relationship wasn't bliss, just that part though seriously. He was perfect in every way and treated me like a princess.

 

fooled- that's how I feel right now..."fooled" that I couldn't see through all of this the whole time. Seriously I gave the relationship my all every minute of every day and I have never been so happy, but you are so right about it being a "lifestyle" problem. I think he totally does want it as a lifestyle.

 

How do you just pick up the pieces after such a huge truck just completely blindsided you out of the blue. I feel like my world has been completely turned upside down, inside out and then run over by a crusher. He was everything I wanted. Until I found out about all of this. Now I am just repulsed.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement guys...Did I do the right thing by walking away??

[Enema]

I mean he is my best friend…we did everything together…we have had such an amazing relationship and we never fought about major things. We are really on the same page in so many areas and I feel like he is my soul mate. We are completely perfect for each other and so compatible. I feel so lost without him.

 

It really is a shame to throw all of this away because of your insecurities.

 

He doesn't sound addicted... sounds like a regular guy who watches porn.

 

You don't mention anything about your sex life suffering, in fact all we hear is that your relationship was great, except for this one thing about him that you have a problem with.

 

You shouldn't try to change a person. Why should he change anyway? Why shouldn't you? In summary: He is who he is - if you can't accept that, then you need to move on. Good luck finding a porn free man.

Edited February 26, 2010 by Enema

[MovinOnStrong]

I was with my soul mate for 1 1/2 years. He treated me like a queen, we never fought, we loved each other each and every day. He bought me beautiful jewelry, brought me surprises home almost everyday. I was totally in love... until last Saturday. Found out he was seeing someone at work, he said he was not unfaithful. I told him I needed to get out for a couple of hours go by a friends. Two hours later he texted me and said he had moved out, he was losing his mind. I found him at his parents and confronted him. He came back home with me Sunday night, loved me, promised me he'd be there forever. I work nights, when I came home Monday morning he was gone again and I have not talked to him since. I texted him, left him voice mails, crying, heartbroken, wanting closure, wanting help to stop the pain. He wouldn't respond. I had a couple bad days but my daughter and friends didn't give up on me. Something told me to check the computer Thursday morning. His temp internet files were nothing but nasty porn sites he had been visiting since we first lived together. When I say nasty I mean the most disturbing sites out there. And he had subscribed to the sites to try and meet people into this too. I am so thankful I found out. He lost out on the love of his life. And to top it all off the girl he is cheating with has an extremely jealous and violent husband. Good riddance, you want someone to treat you right, put you first, respect you. He doesn't deserve the time of day from you. I am a survivor and if its meant to be I will find love again. But I will not shed another tear or spend another unhappy day. He lost out big time!!!!!

Hope you find your way like I did.

[ann09]

I agree with you in the fact that the worst part about porn is that you always wonder if they're thinking of that while they are with you. And I also think when watches that enough "normal" sex probably isn't enough.

[RedDevil66]

In the spiritual world, a soul mate is someone that makes you question life in order to further your soul, Hence a soul mate is someone that can cause enough pain in order to help you grow, so could be he is your soul mate.

 

Having said that, he has an addiction. What you need to know about addiction is, you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot change it

And it's not about you at all.

You can be Pam Anderson and he'll look t porn.

 

I know how much this hurts, but you cannot make him change, all you can do it get support for yourself.

 

Porn is a natural part of life but when it becomes exessive, it's an addiction

 

Google some info on sex addiction, you wil understand it a lot more

 

Sorry you're facing this. I've been through this as well

[Ilovecake]

There is no such thing as a soul mate. That’s BS fairy tale stuff and you should get it out of your head right away. I mean really with a population of over 7 billion people in this world what are the chances that the perfect person for you just happens to live in the same country or even city as you? For all you know your soul mate might be a leper living somewhere in India.

 

Secondly people look at pornography; there is nothing wrong with that. It's not a disease or a disorder. Fantasy has nothing to do with reality so why you would even take that personally is beyond me. Good luck finding a guy out there who does not look at porn. Actually I think I would question the sanity of a man who says he never looks at it. Guys are horndogs, they get off on the visual. These aren't real women to them they're just pictures.

Edited February 26, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Ilovecake]

Sorry Ann09, but I disagree completely. It has nothing to do with sex with her and everything to do with one person never being enough. He has a fantasy life that exceeds what any one person can do - in that he wishes he could have sex with all of these other women. And not specifically the ones in the videos - he just wishes he could have that lifestyle. It's a big problem - not "just one flaw."

 

Wow sounds like you know this guy inside and out. He sure told you a lot about his thought process. Are you guys really good friend or something?

[sedgwick]

He was perfect in every way and treated me like a princess.

 

You mean when he wasn't lying to you?

[RedDevil66]

There is no such thing as a soul mate. That’s BS fairy tale stuff and you should get it out of your head right away. I mean really with a population of over 7 billion people in this world what are the chances that the perfect person for you just happens to live in the same country or even city as you? For all you know your soul mate might be a leper living somewhere in India.

 

Secondly people look at pornography; there is nothing wrong with that. It's not a disease or a disorder. Fantasy has nothing to do with reality so why you would even take that personally is beyond me. Good luck finding a guy out there who does not look at porn. Actually I think I would question the sanity of a man who says he never looks at it. Guys are horndogs, they get off on the visual. These aren't real women to them they're just pictures.

 

When someone has a few drinks, they are only having a few drinks, when someone drinks in excess and it consumed then, they are alcoholics = addicts.

 

ALL men look at porn, heck I love porn, but if I do it daily, obessively and it becomes the focus on my sex life, then I'm an addict.

 

See the difference?!

 

her guy is not just looking at porn, he has an obsession.

[GrayClouds]

It really is a shame to throw all of this away because of your insecurities..

 

It's really a shame that his "hobby" is more important then the realtionship...

 

Having low expectations assures you will get what you expect.

Edited February 26, 2010 by GrayClouds