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why can't he just see for himself what a jerk he is?

branching butterfly

By branching butterfly
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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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There’s this boy who I have been very in love with for over a year now. When I first met him I tried to get with him but he rejected me because he just came off a really bad break up with his girlfriend and I accepted it so I respected that and waited a little bit longer. So me and him became very good friends and spoke and hung out a lot. My friends tried to get him to hook up with me but he just didn’t want to and I told him I liked him again but he rejected me and told me he only likes me as a friend and really appreciates being with me but that he can’t see himself in a relationship with me. So I called off the friendship because I just couldn’t see me and him being more than friends, I saw us as being a couple and I thought it was wrong of us to be only friends and I was tired of him rejecting me. So we became friends again but I kept throwing myself at him and he just didn’t want to have any part of it and when I confronted him about why he doesn’t want me, he explained himself and told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.

 

So I again stopped being friends with him but I really missed him so much and just needed to see his face and be around his company. I just couldn’t help myself and I hated seeing him having fun while me and him weren’t friends. So I gave it another shot and he forgave me and we became friends. He was one of the only people I can confront and talk to about everything in my life and I told him everything in my life and I really felt like I can tell him the world. However I used to hint to him that he’s the guy of my dreams and then I tried to get with him and my friends tried again but he became frustrated and we got into an argument. The argument was about me calling off the friendship but he doesn’t seem to understand that ii have feelings for him and its rude for him to be telling me about his encounters with other women. I also hated being rejected and him not wanting anything from me. He claimed he wasn’t’ rejecting me because we were at least close friends but I just feel that if I can’t go out with him then its not fair to me because I am being hurt and I don’t need to be rejected.

 

So one day he was invited to a party at my and my roommates apartment and him and my best friend flirted a lot. My best friend got drunk and they both made out and cuddled with each other. I was very upset but she apologized to me and I thought he had no right to do that because I have feelings for him and he doesn’t take them into consideration. So I brong it up to him and he gave me a piece of his mind and blocked me off instant message and ignored my text and phone calls for a month. Which pissed me off. After a month we saw each other at a party and we made and we were friends again. We are friends with the same people so I kind of had no choice but to be his friend because I am in love with him and I had to get used to seeing him.

 

But I was bothered because he didn’t care about me being in love with him and I would hear him talking about the ladies he messes with. So I figured that he would want to mess with me but HE STILL DID NOT. I just didn’t get why. So did my own thing and had sex with two guys but he didn’t seem to care that I had sex with him. Then he leaves for weeks and he doesn’t contact me or bring me with him or tell me that hes gone. Then two weeks ago we stopped being friends because he wanted to bring a girlfriend of his over. I got so pissed because he had the nerve to ask me that. So he gave me a verbal beat down and stopped being my friend because he said I was being controlling, manipulative because all my friends are on my side, and selfish because I didn’t want him messing with girls around me since I get really jealous and he knows I have feelings for him but he doesn’t seem to be considerate of them, and obsessed just because I love him and care for him and he doesn’t want me.

 

I know I am right because all my friends agree he is a jerk and that he is poison to my life. He’s not a true friend if he can’t stop doing what he has to do around me and realize my feelings are out there and that I get extremely jealous. I feel like its fine for me to have my boy toy around but if he does have his girl I think its very selfish and inconsiderate because he knows how I feel and I just don’t think its right. I think he should put his ways aside for me for when he is around me at least and just be patient she he isn’t always around me. I just think its crap that he thinks he doesn’t have to tolerate with my crap after I threw myself at him and he rejected me.

 

Anyone else agree? Sorry that the post is long, thank you for reading.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

Posted
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There are entirely too many contradictions going on here. And to be honest, you expect entirely too much of him and expect too much for yourself.

 

Ok so we get the point that you are in love with him. He doesn't love you, nor wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. Those are the facts. Now what you need to do is figure out whether or not you can be a friend to him (friends, meaning they come to you when they have a problem, talk to you about what's going on in their lives, etc) or if you just need to break this whole relationship off because it's too much for you to handle.

 

You keep saying how you want to be friends with him, but you aren't being a very good friend if you expect him to walk on egg shells while around you all the time.

 

Harsh reality: He does not care about you the same way you care about him. He obviously wants a relationship (or else he wouldn't be in one right now) just not with you. Yes, that hurts. Yes, that sucks. But it's the truth.

 

It's either going to be friends, or nothing at all. And if you want to be friends with him, you can't treat him the way you are right now.

 

To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing. Hell, I actually give him credit because if I had a friend that kept b*tching and complaining about me I wouldn't stick around at all.

 

Sounds like you can't maintain a healthy platonic relationship with him. So i'd suggest breaking it off and going your own separate way.

sunrae Established Member

sunrae

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I agree 100% with what Erica said...

Also, I have to give him some credit... Some guys would take advantage that you liked them, use you and spit you out. But he hasnt done any of that. He has been honest with you from the beginning and hasnt tried to use your feelings for him to get in your pants and then leave you in the dust. Sorry, I have to give him credit, sounds like a pretty good guy.

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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but erica you don't understand that the reason why i expect him to be that way around me is because i have a lot of feelings for him. i cry myself to sleep over him at night and i worry about him a lot. i just think its common courtesy for him to not be affectionate with the girl he's with around me. i can be affectionate with other guys because I HAVE FEELINGS FOR him and he DOES NOT for me so it doesn't matter much to him but it does to me. if he was a good friend he wouldn't hurt me like that even if its not on purpose.

 

also how can i be wrong when all of my friends agree with me? everyone thinks i've tolerated his selfish behavior enough and that I SHOULD NOT be friends with him not the other way around. he doesn't respect my feelings and how i feel despite me throwing myself at him.

 

he's mad because i am in love with him? he's mad because i want to sleep with him? he's mad that i care for him? yeah, wow what a good friend.:confused:

 

you have to be crazy to believe i am the one with the contradictions.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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Here, i'll break it down for you.

 

 

but erica you don't understand that the reason why i expect him to be that way around me is because i have a lot of feelings for him.

 

No, I understand that 100%. But what you don't understand is that just because you have feelings for a person, does not mean that they should treat you any differently than they see fit (unless it's physical abuse, or leading you on). Neither of which he is doing. You are expecting more from him than is appropriate. If you have feelings for him, and you want to be his friend as opposed to nothing at all, you have to take the good with the bad. You have to understand that a friendship means something purely platonic. He will tell you about what's going on in his life, just as you will with him. Anything less than that isn't considered a friendship.

 

if he was a good friend he wouldn't hurt me like that even if its not on purpose.

 

But he isn't doing anything on purpose. He is living his life the way he sees fit. You can't deal with that, so I suggest breaking off the friendship. He does not owe you anything, unfortunately, and because of that he will do whatever he feels is best. If taking his girlfriend places and not treating her like just a friend (because you want him to) means that's what he wants to do, than I actually feel like maybe you should respect that.

 

 

also how can i be wrong when all of my friends agree with me? everyone thinks i've tolerated his selfish behavior enough and that I SHOULD NOT be friends with him not the other way around. he doesn't respect my feelings and how i feel despite me throwing myself at him.

 

Ok, a couple of things about friends that you should know. When you have friends that are not his also, they will side with you. They will most likely tell you things that you want to hear, as opposed to what you need to hear. That's what LS is for. The true, honest opinions and advice that you actually should be hearing.

 

Another thing, and please do not take this the wrong way, but you seem a tiny bit immature. I'm not sure what your age is, but most of the time you attract people that are on the same level of maturity as you. And i'm talking about platonic relationships. So, if your friends are telling you these things, it could be what I mentioned in the previous paragraph, or it really could be that they are just on the same level as you are, with the same thinking patterns.

 

Either way, it does not make it right. What your friends tell you and what is really going on can be two completely different things.

 

he's mad because i am in love with him? he's mad because i want to sleep with him? he's mad that i care for him? yeah, wow what a good friend.:confused:

 

you have to be crazy to believe i am the one with the contradictions.

 

No, he's not mad because of any of that. He is mad because you are putting all of these restrictions on him as to how he should treat you, how he should act around you, and who he should bring around you.

 

That's enough to make anyone mad. Or at least, walk away.

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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Here, i'll break it down for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, a couple of things about friends that you should know. When you have friends that are not his also, they will side with you. They will most likely tell you things that you want to hear, as opposed to what you need to hear. That's what LS is for. The true, honest opinions and advice that you actually should be hearing.

 

well my friends know him maybe not as much as me but they seen us and interacted with him and they are pissed that he treats me in such a fashion he does. my friends all seem to agree that he is the one that is hurting me and that he shouldn't be doing the things he does around me at least. everyone agrees that he lives his life the wrong way and that he shouldn't be messing with girls because it makes him look bad.

 

everyone also was on the same page with me thinking that we can be the perfect couple since were are very compatible in my and their opinion. we all also agree with why he wouldn't want to sleep with me but he does with other girls. that doesn't make any sense.

 

Another thing, and please do not take this the wrong way, but you seem a tiny bit immature.

 

well i am 22 and my friends and roomies are ages 22-29 years old. one has a child and is experienced and agrees with me. so how can i are we be immature? he's just wrong for everything he's done and even they dislike him for it.

 

so you're also saying its okay if him and one of my best friends made out with each other at a party and cuddled? don't you think thats a little messed up that him and my friend let their physical attractiveness towards each other get in the way of my feelings?

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

Posted
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well my friends know him maybe not as much as me but they seen us and interacted with him and they are pissed that he treats me in such a fashion he does. my friends all seem to agree that he is the one that is hurting me and that he shouldn't be doing the things he does around me at least. everyone agrees that he lives his life the wrong way and that he shouldn't be messing with girls because it makes him look bad.

 

No one has any business judging the way he chooses to live his lifestyle. As long as it isn't something dangerous (abusing drugs, alcohol, violence, etc), than it is no ones place to say anything.

 

we all also agree with why he wouldn't want to sleep with me but he does with other girls. that doesn't make any sense.

 

You haven't figured that out yet? Ok, i'll tell you.

 

He isn't attracted to you! There really isn't anything else to say about that. You can't be mad at him for sleeping with girls and not sleeping with you. That's absolutely absurd!

 

well i am 22 and my friends and roomies are ages 22-29 years old. one has a child and is experienced and agrees with me. so how can i are we be immature? he's just wrong for everything he's done and even they dislike him for it.

 

Oh hun, having a child has absolutely nothing to do with maturity. I have 5 friends with children, and only one of them comes close to being mature.

 

Experiences also have nothing to do with maturity. It's what you learn from those experiences and how you use them. Also, how you handle situations. (Such as this one).

 

so you're also saying its okay if him and one of my best friends made out with each other at a party and cuddled? don't you think thats a little messed up that him and my friend let their physical attractiveness towards each other get in the way of my feelings?

 

No no, your best friend should know better. That's all on your best friend, not on him. He's made it very clear that he has no interest in you, what he does with his body is all up to him. What your friends decide to do with him, however, will show how great of friends you have.

sunrae Established Member

sunrae

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well i am 22 and my friends and roomies are ages 22-29 years old. one has a child and is experienced and agrees with me. so how can i are we be immature? he's just wrong for everything he's done and even they dislike him for it.

Your friend agrees with you because, she is your friend and taking your side.

You are acting inmature, because you are only talkign about your feeling how about him? and if he is "hurting" you so bad, then why do you weant ot hang out with someone who hurts your feelings? I wouldn't. If you feel disrespected by him, then move along. Find someone else. Dont be mad at him, because he wants to be happy and with someone else and not you. He has made his feeling clear to you several times, but you choose to ignore them.

 

so you're also saying its okay if him and one of my best friends made out with each other at a party and cuddled? don't you think thats a little messed up that him and my friend let their physical attractiveness towards each other get in the way of my feelings?

 

Thats disrespectful. But you cant expect him to stop living his life and wanting to hook up with other girls, when he has told you he just wants to be friends.

I have tons of guy friends who I hang out with. If they want to go home with other girls, fine with me. Because we are just friends. I put no conditions or limitations on them what they can do when we are just hanging out. So they are free to do what they want to do.

Your feelings are getting hurt because you are trying to put "rules and limitions" on this guy, which he's breaking in your eyes and your getting your feeling hurt... If he hurts you this bad then end the friendship because it's not one.

Not the love ace Established Member

Not the love ace

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Wow, this situation feels very familiar to the one I am in. I'm not trying to be biased because of this male you speak of but you REALLY NEED to chill out and let him be. Like Sunrae and Erica have said, you need to live him alone. He owes you nothing, nothing at all. Its absurd that you want to actually put rules on this guy who is an adult. Sorry to say but to put it in the simplest terms, you are OBSESSED with him and it looks really unhealthy.

 

There's plenty of fish in the sea and you could find someone who best suites you.

 

About him and your best friend, that's a different story. I have a different view on that. I feel that he's not wrong because you DO NOT have any tabs on him therefore, if she and him want together then be it. If they are attracted to each other then it is what it is. Sure, she could be a little bit more respectful but he's not reserved for you and you have to seriously chill.

 

Also, I believe you mentioned that its okay for you to mess around with guys around him, but not him around you. Don't even get me started on that, that completely shows how selfish you are being lady. You're lucky that you even have someone that can tolerate such B.S..

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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you are OBSESSED with him and it looks really unhealthy.

 

I'm not obsssed just really in love and i care for the guy. if i was obsessed i would have done something psycho.

 

There's plenty of fish in the sea and you could find someone who best suites you.

 

i don't understand how he doesn't see that we got along so well but didn't want to be with me. thats insane imo.

 

 

 

Also, I believe you mentioned that its okay for you to mess around with guys around him, but not him around you. Don't even get me started on that, that completely shows how selfish you are being lady. You're lucky that you even have someone that can tolerate such B.S..

 

 

well he's been in the same place and heard with me when i had sex once with a guy whos a mutual friend and he didn't seem bothered with it. so i assumed that he understood the conditions because i knew it wouldn't bother him because he doesn't have feelings for me. obviously he doesn't get anything and doesn't care. which i think is messed up of him. so yeah i really believe its fine for me to do what i want around him but since i have feelings for him i truly believe he needs to consider that when messing with others girls.

Malenfant Established Member

Malenfant

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OK BB, you dont seem to be getting the big picture here, so i'll try and break it down for you.

 

1) he rejects your advances because he does not fancy you.

 

2) he doesnt owe you a relationship just because you 'are in love' with him.

 

3) he is free to get off with whoever he wants.

 

4) nothing you do will make him want you

 

5) just because you have feelings for him, does not mean that he has to care enough to stop him doing what he wants. it is his life.

 

6) you are being immature. just because your older friend agrees, does not mean that you are being mature. Maturity isnt always consistent with age.

 

7) you dont have to do something psycho to qualify as 'obsessed'

you are under a delusion that your feelings somehow mean that you are destined to be togther. you feel that if only he understood how you felt, then he would realise that you are the one for him.

Obsession is all about you, not the other person. its all about what you want, what you need.

you're not accepting that what he does has nothing to do with you.

he is free to live his life.

 

TBH i feel sorry for the guy, you have no right to interrogate him about his relationships or intimacies. you can't be a true friend to him, because you are only hanging around him because you fancy him.

a real friend is supportive.

this guy isnt being a jerk, either give it up, or break contact. if you really care for him, do him a favour and stop butting into his private life.

 

this all may sound harsh, but you need to snap out of this dream you're in, face reality. this guy will never be yours.

Not the love ace Established Member

Not the love ace

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Wow.....this girl has some great big issues.....I feel bad for her for being so dim. I feel even worst for whoever the guy is for dealing with this nonsense.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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I'm not obsssed just really in love and i care for the guy. if i was obsessed i would have done something psycho.

 

Just as Malenfant pointed out, you don't have to do anything pyscho in order to be considered obsessed.

 

i don't understand how he doesn't see that we got along so well but didn't want to be with me. thats insane imo.

 

Ok so if I were to say that all of my guy friends were insane for not liking me because we get along so well, would that make sense?! No, it wouldn't. And unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. There are a LOT more things than just getting along that go into being attracted to a person.

 

well he's been in the same place and heard with me when i had sex once with a guy whos a mutual friend and he didn't seem bothered with it. so i assumed that he understood the conditions because i knew it wouldn't bother him because he doesn't have feelings for me. obviously he doesn't get anything and doesn't care. which i think is messed up of him. so yeah i really believe its fine for me to do what i want around him but since i have feelings for him i truly believe he needs to consider that when messing with others girls.

 

What?? Ok so let me get this straight... you think it's messed up of him to not care that you are sleeping with other people? You said it yourself, he doesn't like you. So why should he care?!

 

This guy must have all the patience in the world to stick around for this type of treatment. I think you need to seriously re-evaluate the way you handle things.

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Don't feed the trolls people!

Jaysus, this one should be obvious...

Not the love ace Established Member

Not the love ace

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Don't feed the trolls people!

Jaysus, this one should be obvious...

 

In all seriousness, I don't think this is a troll. I had a very similar situation with an individual once and I know for a fact that there is crazy people like that out there. If this person is a troll however then whatever-if this person is real-she needs serious help.

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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TBH i feel sorry for the guy, you have no right to interrogate him about his relationships or intimacies. you can't be a true friend to him, because you are only hanging around him because you fancy him.

 

you dont understand i did this for me. i had to call the friendship off because it was hurting me and he had nothing to lose and i had everything at stake. i was the one who was getting hurt all the time and he wasn't understanding the reason or respecting my decisions and feelings. whats so hard to understand about that?

Not the love ace Established Member

Not the love ace

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you dont understand i did this for me. i had to call the friendship off because it was hurting me and he had nothing to lose and i had everything at stake. i was the one who was getting hurt all the time and he wasn't understanding the reason or respecting my decisions and feelings. whats so hard to understand about that?

 

 

This sounds like you weren't being a friend of him at all. You were just looking at him like a piece of steak, and instead of him trying to get into your panties, you wanted in his underwear. Listen chick, you're insanely selfish and you say you have nothing to lose? You're losing a potential great person in your life, and on top of that there's a friendship that he probably cherished that he is losing. So who's losing what now?

 

I don't know why I'm putting my two cents in, all hope seems utterly hopeless with you, I'm sorry. Live in your world of denial and delusion and hopefully you'll grow up from your childish ways. I hate to say it, but you have no self-worth or respect for yourself and you're making a fool out of yourself. You're at least lucky you have friends who are there for you because other than them, I'm sure most people will tell you to snap out of it.

EricaH329 Established Member

EricaH329

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you dont understand i did this for me. i had to call the friendship off because it was hurting me and he had nothing to lose and i had everything at stake. i was the one who was getting hurt all the time and he wasn't understanding the reason or respecting my decisions and feelings. whats so hard to understand about that?

 

It's best that the two of you aren't friends. Him - so that he doesn't need to put up with the crap restrictions and limitations you put on him as a 'friend'. And you - to move on and not be so wrapped up in what he is doing all the time.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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He only wants you as a friend not a girlfriend and you won't accept that. You've even tried persuading him and getting your friends to persuade him. That won't work and will only make matters worse. You have to give up on this man, really! I know it's hard and seemingly impossible to give up on someone when you love them, but sometimes we have to do this for our own sanity. The main way to cope is with no contact. Just cut him out of your life. Easy to say, I know, as if you have friends in common, you will need to make an effort to communicate with them that you need to avoid him.

 

Don't let him try to drag you back as a friend either. It's just not going to let you recover from him and start to see yourself as separate. You could have a different future than him. Once you separate yourself from him mentally (and maybe physically), you will suddenly find other options appear and life will improve. You are stuck at the moment. You need to take baby steps to get away from this man and get your friends to help you. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend and you need to accept that once and for all, however painful it is.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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Sorry but I totally disagree with you. He made it clear he wasn't interested in a relationship with you. You lied to him repeatedly by pretending you wanted to be friends with him, when in fact you weren't interested in being friends, but rather lovers - proven by the fact that once he rejected you as a lover, you weren't interested in being friends.

 

This guy has never made any promises to you or expressions of romantic interest, so what he does is his own business.

 

No person is obliged to avoid having romantic encounters because someone else doesn't want them to - neither friends, family, past lovers nor strangers have any rights whatsoever to prevent a person seeing who they want. But you are trying to claim you have the right to control his life and who he makes out with - you have no leg to stand on and are clearly in the wrong.

 

I think your behaviour here is really bad and you ought to apologize to this guy for how you've acted. Then, move on with your life and stop speaking to him. In future, you should keep in mind that *other people* get to choose who they have feelings for - not you. The only person whose feelings you get to choose is yourself.

Joe Normal Established Member

Joe Normal

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you dont understand i did this for me. i had to call the friendship off because it was hurting me and he had nothing to lose and i had everything at stake. i was the one who was getting hurt all the time and he wasn't understanding the reason or respecting my decisions and feelings. whats so hard to understand about that?

 

You weren't respecting his decisions or feelings. You were putting yours above his. Even if you are madly in love with the guy, he doesn't owe you even the slightest bit of attention, he doesn't have to change his conduct one iota.

 

Every single poster on here has said pretty much the same thing - how long will it take the penny to drop?

Edited by Joe Normal
threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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Anyone know the fairytale called "Three Billy Goats Gruff". I would apply it to this thread.

 

OP, you should read it and consider it an analogy to your situation. Good luck! :)

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I am actually amazed that you are in your twenties. A person isn't your "soulmate" or "the one" because you figure and feel it must be so, no matter how hard or large you feel it. As you get older, you will begin to see the bigger picture (hopefully) about how relationships are based on skills and choices not just on how strongly you feel. Something tells me that even if this guy would ever become attracted to you (not gonna happen) that he would end up severely disappointing you because you are depending on exterior sources for your happiness. I would recommend that you speak to a counsellor about these overwhelming urges to set double-standards with those in your life and try and work through some of those self-centered issues before they destroy other potential relationships.

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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so you ladies as women are telling me you wouldn't feel the same way or do the same thing? you're telling me you wouldn't feel like he owes an apology? i think you guys need to stand for your feelings more.

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branching butterfly Member

branching butterfly

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Easy to say, I know, as if you have friends in common, you will need to make an effort to communicate with them that you need to avoid him.

 

thats an issue because some of my friends are close with him and they want him around. unfortunately i can't stop that even though some of my other friends try to keep him out the equasion. i would like to keep him from being in my life because he doesn't deserve to be but it'll be unfair to tell other friends to stop hanging with him. i will try and talk them out of hanging with him but i don't know how well that'll go even though i'm confident i can find a way.

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