paddington bear Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Just wondering...since my last big heartbreak, I've been with 2 other guys and with both I've just felt like, well, 'he's nice' but at the same time me feeling emotionally dead inside, as if my heart has lost the ability to connect emotionally with someone, like a part is being held back. Now bear in mind that I haven't dated in years, so I'm totally at a loss here as to how things usually go. Prior to this I only dated guys that I already admired from a distance, had already developed feelings for. This is the first time in my life that I'm doing the 'well, let's take a chance on this one and see where it goes' method. So, is my dead heart more likely due to the fact that these guys are or were the wrong man for me (because I haven't got those whooshy, big love feelings) or (drumroll) have I lost the ability to fall in love with someone forever due to my poor heart being ripped to shreds in a mincing machine? I'm a bit worried that my heart got so utterly and totally broken and stamped upon that I won't be able to fall in love again and will never be able to feel strong emotions for anyone ever again. Right now, I feel like I'm standing outside of myself and looking in on my life and thinking 'yes he's nice, yes he's funny, yes he's sweet' but my emotions are just, well...dead. Any advice on this one gratefully received. Is it normal not to have strong emotions when you are dating people who you like well enough? or has something gone terribly wrong with me?
threebyfate Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Prior to this I only dated guys that I already admired from a distance, had already developed feelings for. This is the first time in my life that I'm doing the 'well, let's take a chance on this one and see where it goes' method.You`ve answered your own question paddington. You`re accustomed to getting to know these guys at a safe distance before you can connect. I think this is a bit of a self-preservation instinct in people. Some are more cautious at giving their hearts, some jump right in and others, never feel beyond the infatuation phase, constantly craving the infatuation but unable to allow themselves any vulnerability to move beyond to love. IMO, I think you should stop trying so hard to find a relationship. Be patient and the next time someone seriously tweaks your interest, flash them the green light and if they don`t get it, then move on and wait for the next one.
DollWelch Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Don't be silly, Paddington Bear. You're not emotionally dead inside, at all. Rather, I see that you're simply trying to fill a void in your heart. I can't blame you. No one can. Finding that special man to bring back -or essentially to make you feel aflutter like the last man did in your life is a wonderful thing about love. But it isn't a must. Opening up yourself to someone, after your said experiences, isn't going to come naturally but you should at least try to do so when you're out meeting people/men. Because if you don't, you're only hurting yourself -your chances of finding someone. Are you putting yourself out there on the dating market? You seriously need to move on, and let go of the fact that your previous lover broke your heart. This is unhealthy. The least you can do, is meet new people. Start out with one (man).
Author paddington bear Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 thanks guys. No, I am getting out there. I suppose that me having feelings for someone first has tended to lead to unrequited situations (and sometimes to things going further), but if I waited for that bolt of lightening feeling before seeing someone I'd be sitting in on my own. I think dating is good, to see if things develop. I'm happy to date and see what happens, I guess I'm just worried that nothing ever will happen if my emotions are so dead - this is not something I seem to be able to control. The guy I've started seeing now is sweet and funny and nice and intelligent...but there seems to be no spark for me and I'm not sure if that's because there is genuinely is no spark, or because it's me and my lack of ability to feel something. I would love to feel that strong feeling again - I'm in no rush for it, just afraid that I've lost the capacity to feel so deeply
Ms. Joolie Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Is it possible you are placing too much importance on 'feeling' love, and not creating it? I mean, after all, what is love? We mean to say great relationships, don't we? And we mean to say all the great things we do for those relationships. For myself, I just want to do things and have great relationships... that is love to me. So perhaps you are waiting around for a feeling too much when actually feelings follow actions, as William James would say. I've had William James on the brain.... "Action may not bring happiness but there is no happiness without action." William James Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not." William James
melodymatters Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I know it sucks PB, but RELAX !!! Some poeple are wired like this ! * Raises hand* I'm early 40's, been dating since I was 16, and you know what ? I think it's a timing thing 50%, and mad chemistry the other 50%. AND WE, don't have control over EITHER ! I have met great guys, but if I wasn't ready inside, no way. Then I met some so so fellows, that I wouldn't have considered before, but I was ready to "mate" ! My last R ended in widowhood and at the 7 month mark, I tried a few VERY casual dates, but ......no. NOT feelin' it. So, I have no idea when I will be abale to feel " that" way again. Honest truth ? Right now sex, seems gross ! I always had a healthy sex drive, but since what happened, I feel like a 3rd grader thinking: He puts that THERE ? Ewwww So, obviously not ready ! Next guy will probabaly stem from pure lust that finally boils over, but even THAT will be a step in the right direction ! At least it will mean feeling SOMETHING !
EYECANDY000 Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 PD, Feel better girl! Eventually you will love again and be loved.
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