babyswan Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222650/ - forum on second chances - same situation just a different question! This is my current situation - (extract taken from above post) My ex and I split last week after 2 1/2 yrs. I gave him some ultimatums about the relationship saying I couldn't carry on. I've tried to solve these problems with him before several times and never been sucessful. It was him who KIND OF ended things - he said he can't carry on but next day said he wouldn't say it was the end, just we are not together and doesn't know if we ever will be again. I think he finished things because he really does not like to be challenged on anything and this was his bomb - to end it... o h yeah, and slightly back pedal. I said if he wasn't prepared to make the changes I'm gone. So I'm almost done packing to move out. He's been away working and is back in a few days. He has hurt me many times with not much consideration. It seems his priorities do not include me very highly even though he says they do. He does eventually do a quick fix with me and says he'll try and I am normally happy with that..... but then then problem arises again. He's not a monster, he has been good to me too BUT he has also been nasty and inconsiderate over the same things many times. Apart from practical things I have said NC. I'm still packing to move out and there is still practical stuff to sort so we can't be completely NC. I am thinking of talking to him to tell him why I can't carry on and to try and get closure because he has left it in limbo. I don't want to split but I can't live with certain things any longer that he is not prepared to comprimise on or look at. Now things are really serious and I am packed to go... So - I haven't managed to get everything packed before he arrives home. I'm going to have to come back whilst he is out at work... oh god, I don't want to have to contact him to check he is not home.... I am studying post grad at the moment and loving it. It's really keeping me together. I have a big assignment due in 2 weeks. I don't have anywhere to live yet so all my stuff is staying in our old place where my ex still is until I find somewhere. I nearly dropped my course until next year because this has been so hard and I want to get out the house straight away for my own sanity, I haven't got time or the brain capacity to study. But after speaking to my tutor, he convinced me not to drop it and said he will help every day if I want to, and I think he is right - I will feel like an utter failure if I dropped it. Instead, I decided to relax a little on myself - don't flunk it, you can do it... you don't have to move out absolutely right now. Most important thing is to get this work done, feel proud and then move. Sounds like a plan. Except... I'm not sure I can hold it together all that time I am studying knowing I have to go back. Whilst my things are still there.. it's not over and I am open to things going screwy. Vulnerable, shall we say... I might end up weakening whilst the door is still open.... He's coming home tonight. I won't see him, I'll be gone staying elsewhere. He's been away on business. I will see evidence of him living here when I come back to finish packing everything into one room in a couple of days... I can't bear to see evidence of him alive even! I miss him. None of this feels real... sometimes it does... sometimes it doesn't. How am I going to stick to NC? I feel like the **** hasn't really hit the fan yet... my mind just keeps trying to problem solve all our problems... I guess I need to hear it from him it is over. I still can't really believe it is.... But what if he won't say that it's over and will continue with we're not together right now? I'd only live with that for so long of course. I have my list of ultimatums prepared should he want to try again.... should I just leave this NC? ...or give him my ultimatums face to face or on the phone and get it over with? I Dont want to comprimise his thinking time and screw everything up by giving him my ultimatums before he has had the chance to think... ...or maybe I should just leave a note with my ultimatums and walk away giving him a chance to think about them and wait to see if he responds.. But part of me wants to see what comes off his own back... I'm curious, at least then I have not instiagated anything he can cling to if he does want me back which he can use to get me back and then possibly let me down over in the future. Or should I just carry on like it's the end of us....
Getting_stronger Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 You sounded like you wwerent loved and you werent happy with him. A post grad student who knows what she wants??? Go out and get the love you deserve!!! You sound amazing and you deserve the best treatment. Dont tell him your ultimatums- you dont want a decision that has been forced. Focus on your study, go with a friend to get your stuff, go NC. Be open to someone who deserves you. Good luck xx
Rearden Metal Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Is there really any need to give him a list with ultimatums? I'd wager he knows everything on the list already. NC is probably best. Just tell him to call you if he ever gets serious. Tell him to NOT call for any other reasons.
Author babyswan Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Just tell him to call you if he ever gets serious. Tell him to NOT call for any other reasons. This sounds like the perfect thing to say!.. but... it makes me available indefinitely, which I don't want him to think I am.... don't want to say the clock is ticking either in case he panics and reacts and later regrets... a bit like how he finished with me when his back was to the wall and then back pedalled the next day... So maybe I'll just leave it NC, and if he calls or comes back - then I'll say something along those lines.
Rearden Metal Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 You have to leave him an avenue of communication. However, if he's not communicating to you about the things YOU want to talk about, he no longer gets a response. I'm in the same situation right now.
Author babyswan Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 thanks RM. I can't figure out if I should just call him to find out where things stand.... it's driving me a bit crazy going between hope and despair. I don't want to rush him, he has just been working very hard out of the country for a few days, I'm not sure if he really has had time to think. But I also don't want to feel that I am just wimping out on hearing he doesn't want me and facing life without him. I want to know what is going on. Shall I just give myself a few days and then call him to find out? Just focus on other things until then? I have got some very important things to do. Who knows, maybe by then I may have got closure myself..... Right now I feel I am between clutching at straws of hope that he will come round and realising the fundamental issues he has that makes him so hard/impossible to live with. Shall I sit in limbo - then open up the avenue of communication? I've got stuff I need to do with a deadline.... I just keep thinking I am just going to reach this desperate point where I will want to call him and know..... is that a bad thing? help!!!
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