Did i make a huge mistake?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So I was discussing my last relationship with my supervision group for my therapist intern hours.

 

I was discussing how I usually break up my relationships because I just dont have the patience to deal with BS. Because of that Ive never had a relationship longer than a year. My colleagues were taken aback, as they have had relationships that last at least three years. One even mentioned how her shortest was one year and she felt that was short.

 

In any case they asked me what had happened with the last relationship, as they know I really care about the guy still.

 

I told them how we had a really good relationship until he left, but then once he had gone to his new city he started drifting away, hardly having time to call me or texting me. One of them ask me if I just wanted more attention, the other one asked me if I had told him so.

I said basically yes to both, all I wanted was either just one call a day or at the very least a text. I also told them how I told him so the day we broke up and his response was "well, Im really busy and Im afraid we're gonna drift apart and the relationship dies" along with "i really tried to make us stronger but I dont feel we had enough time to get truly attach to make this work"

 

Comments that to me read more like " I dont think this is going to work out " which in my book means "cut this and dont waste your time"

 

So one girl agreed with me that he was just giving me BS excuses. The other one though voiced a fear that has come up for me a couple of times. She said he sounded insecure and was looking for reasurance. That he might have been afraid that we could not keep it together and I took that as him not wanting to be with me.

 

What if she is right....what if I jumped the gun and ended a relationship I would have given my right arm to save out of fear?

 

Ive tried contacting him since our break up. At first he was cordial but neutral which kind of pissed me off so I told him I had to stop contacting him so I went NC on him. (IE. Cut him off facebook, delete phone etc).

After a while I contacted him again, only thru FB by readding him as a friend and sending him a message telling him I miss him. He readd me but ignored my message.

 

Did I make a ginourmous mistake??? Should I have not jumped the gun and end it? Looking back at all my relationships, I always end them when I feel Im more into the guy than they are into me....what if I screw up this time?

[You Go Girl]

Probably the worst thing you did was send him mixed messages. You don't want him, you do, you don't, you do. Passive-agressive moves of cutting him out of friends lists, only to add him again.

That can make people run. They become concerned that you aren't stable.

Try again in a few weeks or a month, try again in a couple months, send him a little note or something. But only try a few times. Don't hound the guy.

If he doesn't respond right away, he may respond in a few months, who knows? But at least you tried, and that's all you can do.

[Ronni_W]

Hey 4g4g.

IMO, no, you didn't make a mistake.

He is responsible for dealing with his own insecurities, expressing his own fears and needs, and asking for whatever reassurances he might have needed.

 

That is NOT on you. He's supposed to pull his own (adult) weight. You're not his therapist or his psychic. It's his job to TELL you what is going on in his head and heart. You're not supposed to have to guess...that is exhausting and depleting and futile.

 

His inability to express his stuff is on him; it's his lack of self-awareness, poor communication skills and whatever else.

Nothing you could do about that. It's not your mistake.

[McGrupp]

is the juice worth the squeeze?

 

maybe u should try to call him, ask him to meet u up. i dont know, but if you really want him it may be worth it. communication is key.

 

if however you are moving on nicely, think you are better off, but concernec about other peoples opinions on length of relationships, then i wouldnt care what they would think.

[Ilovecake]

To me it sounds like he communicated exactly how he felt. He said he didn't think it would work and gave you the reasons why he thought so, that you're in an ldr and he thinks you will grow apart because of it. I would just take him at his word and not look for any hidden meaning behind it.

 

Question I have for you. Why did you say you would give your right arm to save the relationship out of fear? fear of what?

[4givrnt4gtr]

YGG: Im not sure i was sending him mixed messages. Even when I sent him that "i need to let you go" message when i delete him from FB i told him I still loved him but I had to let go of the idea that he someday would finally make up his mind and fight for us since it didnt look like it was going to happen. He never answered to that.

 

Ronni: Yeah thats what ive been thinking this whole time....he's a grown man. If he wants me Im sure he would have told me by now.

 

McGrupp: Yeah I want him...but I want him to want me to. Which is what is stopping me from basically asking him back. Though Ive thought about it, and I cant think of how to go about it. I have way too much pride.

 

Ilove: He said mostly he was afraid of a lot of things, such as me hurting him, us drifting apart, me getting irritated with him because he was so hesitant to fully commit to the relationship and putting school first. What made me break up with him was when he said he was not sure he could stop being so afraid and let himself love me.

Regardless....I was tired of excuses and fears and mostly, I was tired of doing everything in my power to prove to him that I would never hurt him, that I loved him and he still could not trust me and let himself love me. I figured he needed time to figure himself out and see whether he loved me or not......in my book you dont "let yourself" love someone. you either do or you dont....

Edited February 26, 2010 by 4givrnt4gtr

[4givrnt4gtr]

Question I have for you. Why did you say you would give your right arm to save the relationship out of fear? fear of what?

 

I meant I would have given anything to save the relationship, but out of fear of not being loved I threw it away.