Katherineos123 Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 This is going to be long, half venting/half attention to detail, in the hopes that you will get the whole story. So Ive been dating this guy since the beginning of the month... We've gone out/hung out about 6 or 7 times... We've slept together (twice at his place, twice at mine) but we havent slept together... And he has been a complete gentleman in that department. Last week, we went out to a show together of this performer I enjoy who had a residency at this cafe. The next week is his last show, I asked him if he would like to come with me becuase the line up is going to be awesome... He gave me a wishy washy answer along the lines of "yeah, that could be cool" Later that night we went out for drinks and he met some of my friends. We came back to my place, and for whatever reason, maybe the liquid courage... I deicded then was the appropriate time to ask if he was dating anyone else.... Epic. Fail........... why do I do this to myself. Ugh. He said he definitely considered himself to be a single guy, in the sense that he has no girlfriend, but that there was this one woman with whom he had been having a sexual relationship with... but that it was nothing beyond that... I told him that I just wanted to know because I dont like to sleep with people who are sleeping with other people... He said that he hadnt seen her for a few weeks and that it had "run its course" The rest of the night was kind of awkward, we kissed a little bit, and the next morning I apologized if I had made him feel uncomfortable, but that I just wanted to know. That weekend was my 25th birthday (hes 26) and he had called me saying that he was still planning on coming and that he should be there around 9, and I said "great!" so... next thing I know, its about 11 and hes not here (wtf? is he standing me up? On my birthday!?!) I then recevived a text from him saying that he accidentally fell asleep waiting for laundry and that he'll be over in ten minutes.... (lie?) So he shows up, we have a great night. Drinks. Dancing. He meets my friends (including my ex, but we'll get to him later) and he stays the night at my place. We fool around a little that night. And even more the next morning. Still no sex. Its Sunday, We go to breakfast. We have awesome conversations... He seems to be opening up to me... I mention something about getting together this week... again, wishy washy, says something like "cool" So, I havent heard from him since then (sun morning) until tonight (Wed evening) We dont 'usually' talk everyday, but maybe a text here and there in between dates, and its usually me who initiates that... He sends me a message saying "so are we on for the show tomorrow?" Well... SINCE I hadnt heard anything from this guy about this, and he had given me such a non-answer... I had talked to my ex the night before (the one he had met at my birthday, who Im very good friends with) and mentioned the show, and he had said hed like to go, so now I had plans to go with him, since I didnt think I would be going with the guy Im dating, and I really wanted to go to this show... I called him and apologized and explained all of the above to him and he was like "Oh, ok. My bad, I guess I shouldve talked to you about that. I just really thought the line up sounded cool" And then proceeds to say some closing statement like "Well, have fun at the show..." So, I really like him and I want to see him so I said "Well, what are you doing this weekend?" He said he had plans to see his cousin at some point but nothing definitive so I said "well, I have nothing going on on Friday, let me knoe if you want to get together" And he said "Ok. Yeah we'll talk" So...... I felt guilty, and I decided to send him a text about 20 min after we got off the phone which read "So... I feel like a big fat jerk... But Ill make it up to you with the promise of kisses and ha ha's on Friday if you'll let me... And a mix cd... Dont forget about the mix cd." (ha ha's is just some weird thing I say, and we exchanged music, and it was my turn, hence the mix cd comment) So. I didnt hear anything back from him for about an hour... To which I decide to enact my defence mechanism, humor, and I write "Hmmm. Too much? Ok. I can take it back if you want. There doesnt have to be any of those things... But I do still feel bad..." and minute later "Except for the mix cd. I already made that." He replies a few minutes later "Oh. Sorry about that, my phone was on silent. dont worry about it silly. Im excited for your mix's... and kisses and ha ha's are fun too ;)" Ok. I could be over analyzing... Borderline obsessing. But something tells me that either A) I f***ed it up with the tenative plans for the show, and inviting the ex B) Im coming on too strong and he's not digging it C) The old cliche, He's just not that into me. I just feel like. If this guy really liked me, and perhaps wanted this 'relationship' to eventually progress... why would he go 3 days without even so much as a text?? Why would he want to hang up the phone without making other plans with me? Why would he put his excitement of my stupid mix cd over his excitement of my kisses?!? And why would he mention that 'oh, I was just excited to see the other performers, thats all' .... Maybe he's just losing intrest... Maybe Im just being a head case. Whats your take? If youve made it this far, tip of the cap to you...
Kamille Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 You're really over-analyzing this. This is all you need to know: T He said he definitely considered himself to be a single guy, Don't set yourself up for a fall. Take him and what he says about himself to be the truth. He sees himself as a single guy means: he sees himself as a single guy. No amount of playing it cool, acting nice, etc, is going to suddenly turn him into relationship-material. A guy who is into being in a relationship will say he's interested in meeting someone - hoping to eventually fall in love, etc. Even he is busy, he will make firm plans with you, ahead of time.
Author Katherineos123 Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Thanks Kamille, youre right.. I definitely dont want to set myself up for hurt... although we were only seeing each other for a few weeks at that point, and he had said that he was single in the sense that he 'didnt have a girlfriend' I dont know. I mean, I really am starting to like him... And even though I would like to see something become of us... If someone asked me of my relationship status right now. Id say I was single also.
2sunny Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 he's a player - leaving his options open at every turn in case some better offer comes to the table. he never initiates or asks ahead so stop chasing and see if he actually begins to make an effort for you. and stop apologizing for living and having fun while he's acting vague in every area. this is nobody's fault but his for being so reluctant to commit to plans. beware - he's the type that will hurt you without a thought. i wouldn't sleep with him - sex or no sex - he hasn't earned the privilege of such a private encounter with no effort that he puts in.
Author Katherineos123 Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Also, and Im really not trying to justify anything, but I feel this is a valid poitn... if he's not looking for a relationship, then why would he spend an entire month dating me and getting to know me? I mean, Im not sleeping with him and he keeps going out with me... And, lets just say, hes a wicked attractive guy, Im pretty sure that if he was just looking to be a single dude and get laid, then he wouldnt have any problem. I dont know. He just seems too sweet to be a user. But who knows, Ive been played before... Hence my paranoid ranting.
Kamille Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Well, have you had a conversation about what you were each looking for? I'm not talking about the "where is this going conversation?", I'm talking about more of a "why are you dating?" kind of relationship. For some reason, that topic has come up in past dating and relationships, usually on the first to third dates (before any emotional investments on each part). It has always been, for me, the best predictor of potential relationship. Bf and ex-bfs all said they felt they were at a time in their lives when they were looking to meet someone and settle down. Guys who said they weren't looking for anything serious, were just dating to have fun, meant what they said. I'm not saying its a fail-proof method - I'm just thinking the "single because I don't have a girlfriend" comment, in and of itself, points to the fact that this guy is not looking for a serious relationship right now. My thinking is that if the guy felt he was ready for a serious relationship, he would have qualified the "I feel single" comment with a "but I'm hoping to see where this goes". But perhaps you've had other conversations where he's made it clear that he would be open to a relationship right now. My point is: you can't make a guy want a relationship. He either does or he doesn't. In your shoes, I would guard my heart until this guy made an effort to demonstrate he is relationship-material.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Regardless of his reasons, it doesn't seem that you are on the same relationship trajectory or that he fits in with your idea of how a relationship should go. You are just different. I've been there and done that. I decided to move on and find someone who fit with me and who had the same ideas as me about how we only wanted to date each other etc. Granted, the BF says I broke all his dating rules, but I was worth it. Eh, if you just want to have fun with him, keep on. If you see your feelings getting involved and you don't want to hurt later on, consider breaking it off and moving on.
Author Katherineos123 Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Thanks for the responses everyone. We havent exactly had the "what are you looking to get out of this" conversation... Maybe that should happen sooner than later because, like you said Crazy, Im not the type to casually date.. I know myself, I get too attatched... Escpecially if/when I sleep with a guy. I just dont want to scare him off from wanting to actually see where this could go by asking him too soon and him viewing me as 'needy' or 'clingy' or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. Im not going to contact him. And youre right 2sunny, I shouldnt feel like I have to apologize, and sleeping next to me SHOULD be a priveledge! Im the best snuggler in all of Boston .... Ill see if he calls me about Friday.... But if he does, that brings about a whole new set of worries... Do I actually go out with him? Do I mention my feelings and THEN ask him what hes looking for?
Leia Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 You remind me of that specky girl in He's Not That Into You. You could be paranoid but come on, you sound like a cool girl and you can hang out with whoever you want so just do that. Don't hang on to this guy. Probably he really likes your company and nothing else.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 He said he definitely considered himself to be a single guy, in the sense that he has no girlfriend, but that there was this one woman with whom he had been having a sexual relationship with... but that it was nothing beyond that... I doubt that girl has any idea that it doesn't 'go beyond sex' for them. I suspect she thinks she is having a relationship with him, just like you think you are having a relationship with him. If this guy really liked me, and perhaps wanted this 'relationship' to eventually progress... why would he go 3 days without even so much as a text?? Because he has another girl who is likely fighting as hard to be with him as you are, and that makes a player tired ya' know... I'd be dumping this assclown, like.. yesterday.
JessaL Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 It sounds as though he's not really interested in anything serious or committed toward you at this time. No doubt he likes you, to an extent, hence why he does spend time with you... Of course, he could also be playing games (playing hard to get) or something like that. Maybe he does really like you, and is really interested in dating you, but doesn't have the maturity or communication skills or confidence to make that clear.
boogieboy Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 You are doing nothing wrong katherine. But the problem is, he has no plans to be serious with you. If he was truly into you, you would know it. He would be talking to you about a serious relationship. He said he wants to keep hi options open without actually saying "i want to keep my options open". If youre looking for something serious, youre not going to get it from this guy. Stop calling him and start over with someone who isnt "wikked attrctive", who isnt a player.
Author Katherineos123 Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Hahaha. Leia. As soon as I reread my post, I thought I sounded like her too... Hahahah... Damn... Although I dont think Im exactly sure what 'specky' means, but youre probably right. Im probably specky... Lucrezia. Thanks for your insight. When we had that conversation, I actually asked him "How do you know that she thinks its just sex?" and he told me because they have talked about it ..... Jessa: Thanks for playing devil's advocate. I dont think Im goign to pursue this guy any longer regardless... but in my heart of hearts I kinda feel like he is trying to play a game... He initiated all the dates in the begining and I have asked him to come out with me the last three times. Ive actually known him since high school (but we didnt KNOW each other) and he was kind of shy, kind of geeky, whatever... And he has told me that he still carries that shyness with him and that he "isnt too slick with girls" .... Thats verbatum. ALso, when we first went out a mutual friend of ours wrote me a msg saying that he was "one of the sweetest, most genuine guys she knows, and that she knows he really wants a girlfriend" ?????? WTH is that? Maybe he really does... Maybe that girls is just not me... Also, I feel I should note. During our 'first date' I had mentioned that I would like to move to the west coast at some point in the not too distant future...Well when I brought up the "Are you seeing anybody" talk, he said "well, I thought you were moving..." To which I said yes, but in the future. Im not concerned with that now. I dont know. Like I said, Im not going to plan anything else with him... Im not sure if Im going to ask him about what he's looking for... If he tries to make plans with me again, Ill consider that... And if he never tries to make a date with me again, well then at least I know where I stand... Why cant it ever be easy??
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