paleblue Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 (edited) so my ex gf at work saw me coming down the hallway today, she was at a cubicle. it has been awhile since we have seen each other - almost 4 weeks! i know she didn't have to walk out in my path, she could have stayed right at the cubicle. i kept my cool, looked her in the eyes with my head up as we were walking towards each other. i will be dammed if i utter any words first. we kept walking towards each other, face to face, lined right up, almost like playing chicken, until we were about 4 feet apart and she said Hi. i looked at her and said - what's going on. she dropped a quarter, went to pick it up, and i just kept walking, turned the corner, that was that. i felt blank, i didn't feel upset, or nervous. i just felt blank. maybe a little nagging ache, but other than that - not much. she still wears my pull-over, and the diamond earrings i gave her, and the sapphire ring. i guess i am getting past it all and able to maintain my composure physically and emotionally. still have my mood swings, like a week ago i felt death rays shooting from my eyes at the very thought of her. today wasn't so bad. i am sure more mood swings are in the forecast but now whenever i see her i just think of her getting intimate with someone else. and wearing the jewrly i gave her while she is out with him. and it feels spoiled now. it doesnt feel special anymore. like nothing almost and i dont want to even acknowledge it. maybe i am approaching the final death throws emotionally over her. its been a year and a half. 6months since we had a couple month fling. i still have this nagging question that keeps lingering tho. do i, or dont i, eventually be her "pal" that she wants to be with me. on one hand i think maybe i am being a sore loser if i ignore her, on the other hand i want to deny her the privilege of knowing anything about my life so she can feel that void when she is wondering how i am doing. i haven't decided yet. i have a feeling tho the other hand is going to win - want her to feel what its like for me to be absent from her life for quite awhile. just out of pure spite. im not sure i am above that after what i went thru. Edited February 25, 2010 by paleblue
Odyssey Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Nice post there PB. Especially for those in a similar situation to you.
GrayClouds Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 i still have this nagging question that keeps lingering tho. do i, or dont i, eventually be her "pal" that she wants to be with me. on one hand i think maybe i am being a sore loser if i ignore her, on the other hand i want to deny her the privilege of knowing anything about my life so she can feel that void when she is wondering how i am doing. i haven't decided yet. i have a feeling tho the other hand is going to win - want her to feel what its like for me to be absent from her life for quite awhile. just out of pure spite. im not sure i am above that after what i went thru. Once you are completely healed, you realize that you have neither intrest in being her pal or inflecting any poetic justice. Healing means that your focus is on your own life, and she no longer has any influence on any decision. You done some really good work to get to where you are, and this point were there is no more pain can often be quite difficult. When you have the pain you had something to fight and it easy to kind of miss it. But this too shell pass. Keep working at it, Good luck.
sean1970 Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 i still have this nagging question that keeps lingering tho. do i, or dont i, eventually be her "pal" that she wants to be with me. on one hand i think maybe i am being a sore loser if i ignore her, on the other hand i want to deny her the privilege of knowing anything about my life so she can feel that void when she is wondering how i am doing. i haven't decided yet. i have a feeling tho the other hand is going to win - want her to feel what its like for me to be absent from her life for quite awhile. just out of pure spite. im not sure i am above that after what i went thru. I know the feeling(s) you have as I share them to a degree. For a long time, I felt as if her life was better than mine... She has a first rate education, has traveled the world, young, new house hand delivered thanks to Obama and the labor of my hands, and a new BF that seems to 'complete her' (I would have appreciated your death ray when those thoughts were omnipresent). Now however, I have become content enough with my life ('happy' has an appointment with me next Tuesday) that I care less and less about what she thinks of me or what she is doing. I have stopped comparing my life to hers, and therefore, no longer debate quality. If you did any changing for the better that we are all coached to do here, they rarely (if ever) are changes we want to make for ourselves but to showcase to the dumper that we are 'ok'... and what a mistake they made. However, as good habits form, you start to take ownership of the good things... Walk a littler taller... Smile a little longer... Stop waxing poetically about her... If she came to me today and wanted to be my 'pal', I think Id have to decline. She is just not someone I want in my life... Not after what she was capable of doing to me when I was in such despair. The manipulation... the deceit... the false hope is not something I want to expose myself to again and not qualities I would accept in a friend. In my opinion, the mission you still seem to be on is a waste of time... Time you could be spending on more emotionally profitable endeavors.
GrayClouds Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I know the feeling(s) you have as I share them to a degree. For a long time, I felt as if her life was better than mine... She has a first rate education, has traveled the world, young, new house hand delivered thanks to Obama and the labor of my hands, and a new BF that seems to 'complete her' (I would have appreciated your death ray when those thoughts were omnipresent). Now however, I have become content enough with my life ('happy' has an appointment with me next Tuesday) that I care less and less about what she thinks of me or what she is doing. I have stopped comparing my life to hers, and therefore, no longer debate quality. If you did any changing for the better that we are all coached to do here, they rarely (if ever) are changes we want to make for ourselves but to showcase to the dumper that we are 'ok'... and what a mistake they made. However, as good habits form, you start to take ownership of the good things... Walk a littler taller... Smile a little longer... Stop waxing poetically about her... If she came to me today and wanted to be my 'pal', I think Id have to decline. She is just not someone I want in my life... Not after what she was capable of doing to me when I was in such despair. The manipulation... the deceit... the false hope is not something I want to expose myself to again and not qualities I would accept in a friend. In my opinion, the mission you still seem to be on is a waste of time... Time you could be spending on more emotionally profitable endeavors. Great post Sean.
sean1970 Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Great post Sean. I have been reading my "GreayClouds' Good Post Guide For Dummies" with fervor lately Thanks my friend...
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