DustySaltus Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 So I've been seeing someone exclusively for a little over two months (we've been talking since Oct). Took her on a road trip to hang out with some close friends for NYE and things have been going well. I have been taking things slow since this is my first relationship since my broken engagement in early July. She has recently asked me if I would like to plan a long vacation with her for the end of this year. I told her that it was a long time from now and I couldn't give her an answer. I like her but I feel anxious when she starts planning things way too prematurely. I may sound like a jerk when I say this but I feel like she needs to prove her feelings for me as much as I will do for her. Two months isn't enough for me. I don't know maybe I just jumped into things too quickly. Any ideas on how to handle this?
JessaL Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) I like her but I feel anxious when she starts planning things way too prematurely. I may sound like a jerk when I say this but I feel like she needs to prove her feelings for me as much as I will do for her. Two months isn't enough for me. I don't know maybe I just jumped into things too quickly. Any ideas on how to handle this? Does she do this often? At first I thought this planning things way in advance was an isolated incident, then you make it sound like she does it all the time. Personally, I think it's bizarre that she would ask someone she's been dating for 2 months to plan a vacation with her 10 months in advance. I would find that odd and be turned off if a guy I'd been seeing for 2 months did that to me. So my point here is just that I may not have the best advice, because I would sense "clingy" and "too soon" and run the other way, or at least back off a bit. That said, my other first reaction here is that you've only been together for 2 months - neither of you should have to prove your feelings to the other. Neither of you have screwed up (right?) so there's nothing to prove. On the other hand, if she's into you enough to be thinking of you as "together" in nearly a year, don't you think that "proves" she's into you, or whatever it is you're looking for? Edited February 24, 2010 by JessaL
Author DustySaltus Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Does she do this often? At first I thought this planning things way in advance was an isolated incident, then you make it sound like she does it all the time. Personally, I think it's bizarre that she would ask someone she's been dating for 2 months to plan a vacation with her 10 months in advance. I would find that odd and be turned off if a guy I'd been seeing for 2 months did that to me. So my point here is just that I may not have the best advice, because I would sense "clingy" and "too soon" and run the other way, or at least back off a bit. That said, my other first reaction here is that you've only been together for 2 months - neither of you should have to prove your feelings to the other. Neither of you have screwed up (right?) so there's nothing to prove. On the other hand, if she's into you enough to be thinking of you as "together" in nearly a year, don't you think that "proves" she's into you, or whatever it is you're looking for? Thanks for your response. There are a few other things: She kind of invited herself to my friends wedding in a few months. Asked me if I wanted to go to France with her in May. And some other things similar to that. Mostly, they have been done in sweet ways but I feel like there's a lot I need to learn about her. She's already surprised me with a few things about herself besides this....
JessaL Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Thanks for your response. There are a few other things: She kind of invited herself to my friends wedding in a few months. Asked me if I wanted to go to France with her in May. And some other things similar to that. Mostly, they have been done in sweet ways but I feel like there's a lot I need to learn about her. She's already surprised me with a few things about herself besides this.... Hmmm. I'm be leery with this one. What did you tell her about the wedding, France, etc.? And have you spoken to her about this, or is this thread an attempt to get that conversation going?
Crazy Magnet Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I'd be hesitant to plan a trip a YEAR from now and I'm having a so in love day. We also became a couple recently (December). However, me and the BF do talk about things we will do in the future. Like a friend's wedding in May, or the Renaissance fair in May, or me walking in graduation (also in May). We seem to be stuck on May! lol That said, his MOTHER said something about AUGUST and a family trip they are planning to take then. I nearly fell over and died. I decided she was just being polite and didn't want me to feel left out since we were currently on a family vacation with his family. She seems really into you. I'm not sure what she has to prove at this point. I understand how you would be leery though. You recently ended a very important relationship and it's scary to get into another LTR after that.
Author DustySaltus Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 I think when I sat her down and told her that I got out of a broken engagement back in November things could've went one of two ways. She either runs for the hills or digs in her heels for the long haul and says to herself, "I'm going to prove to him that there are a few good women left in this world"...which she has done and is sweet. Yes, I want to get married and have children with the RIGHT person. I thought I had the RIGHT person too. So now I am just taking things one day at a time.
Ronni_W Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 (edited) She kind of invited herself to my friends wedding in a few months. Well...you say that you've been "seeing her exclusively" -- I assume there was a conversation about that(?) And then, well, couples attend weddings together. It comes with 'coupledom' -- that she took it for granted that you would WANT her to be your date/companion for the festivities isn't strange at all. IMO. Asked me if I wanted to go to France with her in May.To me, that was the polite thing for her to do -- to ask you if you wanted to go with her. It's what I would want/like from my "exclusive partner"...much better than him planning a really nice thing (outing, vacation, whatever) and totally excluding me. About the end-of-year vacation, trying to put myself in her shoes. Yes, the exclusive relationship is still young but, if I don't want to travel by myself, I'd need to start making plans as to who will be traveling with me. I'd START by asking my exclusive partner first -- again, I'd just think that is appropriate, acknowledging/honouring the relationship -- and then move on to family, friends, whomever. I couldn't leave it to the last minute because who knows how many people I'd have to ask before there was any interest. And then...maybe they've got to save for the trip, put in for time off work, get passports and whatever else. It would just be giving my current, exclusive partner first dibs because he is my current, exclusive partner -- (for me) nothing more or less than acknowledging the relationship. Point really is to just also keep looking for different perspectives and contexts. OTOH, Dusty, yeah...maybe you did get into this one too soon. It's difficult to not be emotionally wary, cautious and suspicious of anything that makes us feel any amount of anxiety. The brain (and heart) is in mode of finding 'sinister' plots to screw with us again. And once we start looking...there is always going to be "evidence" that we can find, more often than not imagined than real. Maybe it's about keeping something like this as the main mantra in your brain, "My current exclusive partner is NOT my ex, and my fate is NOT just to end up getting hurt." It's difficult to let go of our prior experiences. It does take time. And, during, it's so almost-impossible to know when we are interpreting our thoughts and feelings accurately, or just reacting from those prior experiences. Kind of just have to trust your best gut responses...are you being wise and appropriately careful or just fearful -- it's so difficult to know, huh? Hugs. Edited February 25, 2010 by Ronni_W
Author DustySaltus Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Ronni, thanks as always Well...you say that you've been "seeing her exclusively" -- I assume there was a conversation about that(?) Once I decided to tell her about my previous situation I knew that's where it was heading. She wasn't going to wait around forever and I felt like it was a situation where I either needed to cut it off or go all in. She kept telling me that she wanted to be my girl, so one night after a few drinks at dinner with friends I told her she was. I might have been a little selfish because I still didn't know what I wanted back then but didn't want to let her go...it was almsot like I was buying time, which I know isn't the right thing to do. Then she started to get very clingy and tell me certain things about "stuff" about her that made me think "hey I don't know this girl as well as I think I do. But I already committed so i didn't know what to do at that point. To me, that was the polite thing for her to do -- to ask you if you wanted to go with her. It's what I would want/like from my "exclusive partner"...much better than him planning a really nice thing (outing, vacation, whatever) and totally excluding me. Her friend bailed on her, that's why she asked me. 10 days is a LONG time this early on for me, i'd rather build up to it over time. About the end-of-year vacation, trying to put myself in her shoes. Yes, the exclusive relationship is still young but, if I don't want to travel by myself, I'd need to start making plans as to who will be traveling with me. I'd START by asking my exclusive partner first -- again, I'd just think that is appropriate, acknowledging/honouring the relationship -- and then move on to family, friends, whomever. The problem is that she wants to start booking things now for the end of the year. I'm not trying to tie myself up in an awkward situation where I have to ask for money back or lose it entirely (lost enough already). I'm not saying that's GOING to happen, but I need some more time to assess and that's what i've relayed to her. OTOH, Dusty, yeah...maybe you did get into this one too soon. It's difficult to not be emotionally wary, cautious and suspicious of anything that makes us feel any amount of anxiety. The brain (and heart) is in mode of finding 'sinister' plots to screw with us again. And once we start looking...there is always going to be "evidence" that we can find, more often than not imagined than real. I'm still bitter and a bit jaded i'm not going to lie. But I need to try and continue to move forward. I was single for 4-5 months and I probably should've taken a year but we can't control when good people come into our lives. I'm getting better every day though. Maybe it's about keeping something like this as the main mantra in your brain, "My current exclusive partner is NOT my ex, and my fate is NOT just to end up getting hurt." It's difficult to let go of our prior experiences. It does take time. And, during, it's so almost-impossible to know when we are interpreting our thoughts and feelings accurately, or just reacting from those prior experiences. Kind of just have to trust your best gut responses...are you being wise and appropriately careful or just fearful -- it's so difficult to know, huh? I'm guarding my emotions more than ever. After my past situation, what I did to try and make things work and how things fell apart and almost destroyed me I can deal with anything. I'm just trying my best not to transfer any residual anger or bitterness on the people I care about. Thanks again.
Ronni_W Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I hear you, Dusty. Maybe all you can do is just be honest and say to effect of, "I'm sorry but I just don't have it in me to commit to that at this time. I appreciate you in my life, and enjoy being with you...and I'm hoping that we'll be happy and comfortable just staying where we are for a little while longer." If she gets all weepy and insecure...that'll kind of be your cue of what to do next, wouldn't it? The way you, er, slid your way into this one...I get what you're saying. Maybe it was a bit premature and based more on self-interest. But there was also optimism and hope, wasn't there? A bit of a 'leap of faith'? Which, how could that be a terribly horrible thing? In any event. Keep it at your own pace...and I'll join you in optimistically hoping that things work out beautifully for all concerned.
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