jen_r Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) So, my bf and I are officially over. It came down to his family making him have to choose between me and his family. Totally not fair. But his relationship with his family is really intense. (IE, one time my parents wanted him to come out to dinner with us and he had to ask his mother if it was okay .... she said no. He's 25 years old mind you.) So, to make the family story short - his sister and his mother basically use ignoring tactics to make him do what they want. They blacklist him when he goes against the grain - making him afraid to stand up to them. It honestly disgusts me. Now, when we broke up for good last night, I let him have it good. Told him he was a puppet to his fam, told him his fam can go F themselves, etc. As SAD as I am to lose him, I am seriously so relieved to have his family out of my life. Yet, I cant help but still think HE was the one for me. Obviously I was not the one for him according to his fam. I know that that is not the life that I wanted, having my bf answers to his family constantly. But I love him, I do. But if this is not what I want, why do I still want to be with him? Thing between us could be perfect if his family were not involved. And to give you a back story on why the fam does not like me. When we first started dating, the mom wanted to do lunch/dinner dates with me, but I was not comfortable with that, seeing as she is very snobby and would just grill me about my life the whole time. I did the lunch thing ONCE with her and I was extremely quiet and scared to speak. So, she would call me for lunch dates and I wouldn't answer. I asked my bf to explain that it is not my type of thing, he didn't - so it made me look bad. They are extremely difficult people and only want to talk about politics - SO not my thing!! So, I couldn't connect with them. They also tried to latch on to my parents, but my parents couldn't stand them either. All the mom wanted to do was talk about me & her son and what we were doing that day or just, VERY INVASIVE. So, our parents had a falling out. I love this person. But, do you think his family should be good enough reason for me to just forget him? I can't help but think that this was the person for me, I had honestly thought we were going to get married. But, obviously he doesn't love me right? Sorry if this is confusing. Edited February 24, 2010 by jen_r
counterman Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If he cannot stand up to his family and make it clear that he is in love with you, then he doesn't feel that strongly enough for you. Bare in mind though, family approval is very important for some people. If you think ahead,imagine your life with his family constantly badgering him, imagine that tension that would always be there with his family and him. It is certainly not a comfortable life to live in. He is not going to cut his family out of his life either. As for myself, my parents would trust the decision I make with which girl I date. So, it's fairly smooth sailing from there. It does not seem that's the case with his. I think you should let him go and go with No Contact. If he really loves you, he'll stand up to his family and come back to you and apologise. Though, even then, it would be hard. Take care, Jen!
Author jen_r Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 If he cannot stand up to his family and make it clear that he is in love with you, then he doesn't feel that strongly enough for you. Bare in mind though, family approval is very important for some people. If you think ahead,imagine your life with his family constantly badgering him, imagine that tension that would always be there with his family and him. It is certainly not a comfortable life to live in. He is not going to cut his family out of his life either. As for myself, my parents would trust the decision I make with which girl I date. So, it's fairly smooth sailing from there. It does not seem that's the case with his. I think you should let him go and go with No Contact. If he really loves you, he'll stand up to his family and come back to you and apologise. Though, even then, it would be hard. Take care, Jen! I know, it would be a horrible life with his parents involved so closely. We will never get back together, I burned that bridge when I told him my hate for his family. I was planning on doing NC, but he already texted me today asking about splitting up our posessions. I don't see this going very smoothly...
scatterd Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 A parent should trust their childs desisions on who they choose but some family members are snooty and think they are above.If they treat you with disrepect when it comes to him you should run.They should invite you with open arms and love you.You do deserve a chance and if they cant respect then move on.Find a man that loves you and will stick up for and where you fit in.I married a man his family was hateful it just made it too hard we divoriced.I would do what makes you happy.love yourself and if they dont who cares you have a family that does and their is more fish in the sea.
Author jen_r Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 A parent should trust their childs desisions on who they choose but some family members are snooty and think they are above.If they treat you with disrepect when it comes to him you should run.They should invite you with open arms and love you.You do deserve a chance and if they cant respect then move on.Find a man that loves you and will stick up for and where you fit in.I married a man his family was hateful it just made it too hard we divoriced.I would do what makes you happy.love yourself and if they dont who cares you have a family that does and their is more fish in the sea. Did your ex husbands family not like you? It sucks because me and this person are perfect for each other, if his family weren't so involved. It really saddens me.
Sadcakesleo Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 For the last year I had to lie to my parents and pretend I was single because they did not like my ex. She always wanted me to tell them but I didn't because I was too afraid, it wasn't because I didn't love her it was more because I was scared what my family would think of me and scared that they would not support me anymore emotionally. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. personally I think you dodged a bullet because imagine how awful it would have been during family get togethers. Imagine the control she would try to have if you ever had kids. As for the relationship ending badly I think you guys need to cool a few days before you start talking about splitting possesions. The anger is still too new and would surface if you spoke to him now. Hope it works out for you
Author jen_r Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 For the last year I had to lie to my parents and pretend I was single because they did not like my ex. She always wanted me to tell them but I didn't because I was too afraid, it wasn't because I didn't love her it was more because I was scared what my family would think of me and scared that they would not support me anymore emotionally. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. personally I think you dodged a bullet because imagine how awful it would have been during family get togethers. Imagine the control she would try to have if you ever had kids. As for the relationship ending badly I think you guys need to cool a few days before you start talking about splitting possesions. The anger is still too new and would surface if you spoke to him now. Hope it works out for you I know, its just hard for me to accept thst its over because of his family. It really hurts. But as far as us splitting up our stuff, we have to do it soon because i already moved out of the apartment and he is moving out soon. So, I gotta get my stuff outta there. This whole thing just sucks.
Sadcakesleo Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Maybe go with a friend or ask if he can leave a key somewhere. When My ex moved out I left the key and gave her the whole day to move out her stuff. I think little contact would do good for both of you guys. I know its hard and you might think its a stupid thing to break up over but really it IS a big deal. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be.
Author jen_r Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 Maybe go with a friend or ask if he can leave a key somewhere. When My ex moved out I left the key and gave her the whole day to move out her stuff. I think little contact would do good for both of you guys. I know its hard and you might think its a stupid thing to break up over but really it IS a big deal. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be. He's not going to be there while I'm getting my stuff, he will be @ work. God, I just want to get through one f**king day without crying. I miss him so badly.
Sadcakesleo Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 The crying will eventually stop, just hang in there and you will be okay.Later on down the road you will look back at it and wonder why you felt the way you did.I have to keep telling myself that and for the most part it works. I had a really bad break up many years ago that I thought I would never recover from but I did. In fact me and her are friends and she is married with a kid and I feel nothing. So keep your head up, if you have to cry then do it. You will feel better if you allow yourself time to grieve. Eventually you won't cry anymore. Good luck.
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