chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 So, I'm a 25 year old female living in Chicago and I've been dating someone for about the past 7 months. We dated in 2006-2007 and it ended in a horrible break-up. Mainly because I was young and immature and he is older (8 yrs my senior). To give the full details, we began dating in August 2006 and 3 months in to it, while checking my email on his PC (original intent wasn't to check his) but his email popped up instead of mine when I wrote in gmail.com and an email that was about me popped up and detailed that he had been sleeping with other women he told me were his "friends". I decided to forgive him, but in the following months, I became more and more insecure, always questioning him and not trusting him. I admit to faking myspace profiles (back then, definitely not now) and other shady things to get him to admit to things I was wondering about, versus just asking them myself. I know, I learned a lot from that whole situation and have since admitted to him what I made up was was dishonest about. Flash foward to August 2009 and he makes contact with me out of no where, asking me to meet him at a bar. I agree to go out of pure curiosity because we hadn't been cordial for years. Things were oddly normal and the same, like I had just seen him the day before. Foolishly, I went home with him and we started to date again... A couple weeks after our reunion, he went to NYC for business and I found out that he visited a girl he had recently dated in CT, and didn't tell me. He said he needed closure. He said they didn't sleep together but were affectionate. I guess that means kissing, holding hands and stuff. I forgave him given the fact we had just reconciled. In the next couple months, he told me about a friend that was visiting from college and she asked him to go to brunch on a Sunday. I, of course, said that was fine and later I found out he dated her about a year ago or so and actually accompanied her on a trip to Italy 2 years ago (because her original friend bailed) where of course, they hooked up the entire time. I haven't been able to get over that one and this has caused me to question his actions when he went to NYC. 2 weeks ago, we went to Puerto Rico together and it was a great trip. We have been fighting more about my not being able to trust him and it has come to surface lately that he can't let go of trusting me (bc of the stuff I did making up profiles in 2007). He left on a trip with a friend to Morocco last Friday (2/19) and told me he didn't see a future with us even though he has told me repeatidly he can, and that us not trusting each other and refusing to move on won't ever make this work and he thinks there's been too much damage. He thinks we should end it because he is 33 and wants to find who he's supposed to be with and that's not me. However, he wants to think about things while he's gone and what he wants to do but to not expect he comes back and wants to work on things. Then, he sends me an email on Sunday after being gone 2 days to tell me he arrived okay and that he misses me like he knew he would. Now I'm in this state where I hope he comes back and says he wants to work on us but keep getting upset and mad at myself for wanting that and I pretty much know he's going to come back and say that he doesn't see a future with me still. It breaks my heart because I've tried so hard to make this work and get past certain things. I need advice from people that haven't been involved in this situation on what I should do when he gets back. Is it worth sitting down to talk if he's going to say the same thing? Should I even want to work on things on the slight chance he does want to work on things to?? I've been a wreck this entire time he's gone (he gets back the 28th). I can't sleep, don't want to do anything, feel lost, mad, sad, angry, alone, all of that. I need some words of wisdom...
lunar_rabbit Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I'm sorry, but I think you should forget about this guy :/ It should have been curtains for him forever when you first found out he was cheating. From everything you've said, he could well be doing the same thing again right now :S In my experience, once the trust is gone, it's pretty much gone for good. Your insecurity isn't going to disappear any time soon, and you shouldn't put up with feeling that any longer anyway. He just doesn't sound worth it at all, IMHO. Don't wait for him any longer.
Author chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 I know it seems like he's done all bad things and he hasn't. He has done a lot of great things too. And we have this connection with one another that I've never felt before. He makes me laugh like no one ever has. I just feel lost. I want him to come back and say he wants to try again...is that wrong?
laRubiaBonita Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 close this chapter of pain for once and for all. can you REALLY see yourself being able to trust him whole heartedly- cause if you can someone needs to slap sense in you!!! he is using you and you are pretty much allowing it... he treats you like a door mat and you let him. he sounds like a guy that will do whatever he pleases; he seems to test you over and over- almost like a sick joke, but you just grin and bear it.
lunar_rabbit Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 No, it's not wrong. But maybe you need to judge for yourself whether feeling so stressed and insecure and all these incidences of cheating and hiding things are worth putting up with against the good things he's done.
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I know it seems like he's done all bad things and he hasn't. He has done a lot of great things too. And we have this connection with one another that I've never felt before. He makes me laugh like no one ever has. I just feel lost. I want him to come back and say he wants to try again...is that wrong? No. But is it likely? And even if he does, is it reliable? You have a choice: Take him as he is, warts and all, and accept that this is what he's like, he'll never change and that's the way it hangs, so take it on the chin, but live with this emotional turmoil for good.... Or stop this perpetuating cycle by breaking it once and for all. Period. That's it really. No half-way house, no changing him, no hoping for the best, because WYSIWYG.
Author chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 I don't even have the option to decide if I want to stick around or not. He said he didn't think we were going to work out because he was tired of not being trusted and he wanted to take his trip to Morocco to think about things but for me to not expect he's going to come back and feel differently want want to work things out...there's nothing I can decide...that's what I'm upset about and in limbo with right now. I keep having false hope he's going to come back and say he realized what he threw away and then I have to bring myself back to reality that he's not going to say that.
lunar_rabbit Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I don't even have the option to decide if I want to stick around or not. Yes, you do. There are two of you in this relationship, and you have just as much right to decide whether you want to be in it or not as he does. It doesn't all depend on him - you don't have to wait for him to come back to tell you whether it's off or on.
Author chitownkara Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Yes, but if I want this and he comes back, I can't force him to try to work it out...that's what I'm upset about. I want him to come back and say he ****ed up and that he wants to work on this...
laRubiaBonita Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I want him to come back and say he ****ed up and that he wants to work on this... how many times will you allow him to F- up and 'decide' he is for real this time.....
Ilovecake Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I'm sorry that you are with such a disrespectful guy, that sucks. To put this in the simplest terms possible. He's a player, you're a doormat. The longer you stay and the more you forgive him the more he will take advantage of you because he knows he can you’ll always be there when he’s done playing and you’ll even be so kind as to make excuses for his bad behavior. He is the spitting image of my ex who happens to be 33 as well and lives in Chicago. For all I know you might be talking about him. He’s blaming you for his cheating even though it has nothing to do with you. If you google Emotional Abuse you will find article after article that describes the exact situation you are in. I know you hope that he will come back and start being true to you and want to be with only you but he has absolutely no incentive to do so. As the saying goes he's getting the milk for free, kicking the cow and then punishing the cow for letting him kick her.
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