Can't defeat this anxiety..

[ThickAndThin]

Hi there. I feel sorry for not introducing myself, but I've been browsing this sight for a while since my problems struck up, and after seeing how much help and support people have benefited from on this forum, I just felt I had to post something right away.

 

I am in a long distance relationship (as of last year) with my boyfriend of five years. He is quite literally my other half-- he filled my gaps, made me so, so happy, filled me with inspiration and joy, and even now, he still gives me butterflies...he was my rock, in short. We suffered through precious little fights that only made us stronger when we worked them out, made plans for our future, and had, until two weeks ago, been living through this distance between us with relative ease, due to phonecalls and webchats, and occasional visits and trips to see one another.

 

On Christmas this year, after picking up on a very subtle hint I dropped, he gave me a promise ring. It was quite possibly the best moment of my life...though I will admit that felt somewhat numb hours after having it...I suspected I was just in shock.

 

This Valentine's day, I got my period, which was terribly lame, but he promised to come and see me anyway, as sex has never been our priority in this relationship -- it was always based on our emotional bond with one another. We had a fantastic time, though I caught myself being irked by little tiny things that never irked me before, or feeling irrationally hurt if he did something that never bothered me quite as much once or twice...the weekend felt like it went well nonetheless. He got home monday night, we talked for a while, wrote together (as has been our favourite activity to share with each other since before we were dating), said our I Miss You's, and went to bed.

 

At three in the morning last week, a very random thought, that has crossed my mind once before, entered my mind. "What if I don't really love him as much as it feels I do?"

 

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by this IMPOSSIBLE dread and fear and pain. I had a panic attack almost immediately, and began looking at sites that gave lists of the signs of falling out of love, or sites that tried to convince me that I was still in love. So far, the only negative sign I've exhibited was that I mistreated him by criticizing his little quirks...I felt horrible and begged for forgiveness and at once he forgave me, but the feeling stuck. I ended up missing my class the next morning because I did not sleep that night. I cried off and on for twelve hours straight, and proceeded to cry once a day until today (so far).

 

I know that deep down I still love him, because the thoughts of being away from him are absolute torture. It seems as though I am having anxiety attacks because of the thought I had...not because I've fallen out of love with the man who made me so happy all these years, with the man I would do anything for, and with the man who has done NOTHING to deserve this. Why is it that following a fantastic weekend with someone I rarely see, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this sudden anxiety, and why won't it go away? Saying "I love you" is so hard because I suddenly can't tell if I'm in denial, or if anxiety has simply gotten the best of me...

 

I always get a little depressed after my period, but it's never caused me obsessive thinking like this before...I need help so badly, but I don't know where else to turn, aside from my EXTREMELY understanding boyfriend and my counseler, who is also doing everything in her pattern to help me see that I'm more anxious than I am loveless.

 

What can I do? I don't want to lose him because of a sick heart. I cherish him far, far too much....

 

Thank you so much for taking some time out to read...

[nowomanocry]

Read your post.. Really made me sad of how you are trying to hold on to your relationship with him. But somethings wotever you do can not be forced hun..

 

Sometimes, things do not go the way you want in life, you have to accept as things happen, the life as it is. I had a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend in the UK for 3 years, and she just dumped me a week before Vals day lol

 

Well guess good guys bite the dust all the time, destiny lol

 

Good luck

[carhill]

Hi and welcome to LS

 

Since you've been together five years, you've had many opportunities to feel the way you do now. Tell us about some in the past and how you've resolved them. If this has never happened before, tell us why you think it's happened now.

 

AFAIK, you can have sex while having your period, though some people might find cunnilingus and/or intercourse to be less savory. There are many ways of expressing intimacy sexually. BTW, tell us about that emotional bond part. I'm especially interested in balance, as you have already said "my EXTREMELY understanding boyfriend'. What's your role here and how do you see it?

[ThickAndThin]

Hi. I apologize for not introducing myself better earlier.

 

My boyfriend and I have encountered all sorts of issues with one another. I tend to get clingy around night fall from time to time, which makes him feel obliged to stay up late with me (a night hawk) -- which takes away from his well-deserved rest. He addressed me on the issue one day, and while it was hard to say good night sometimes, I have gotten much better, and he thanks me every day for getting over that.

 

I have also caught him telling the odd fib from now and then, and even though they are never, ever terrible -- white lies, really -- I had to make it clear to him that I want an honest, healthy and happy relationship. He agreed, and has been working on it so well that I think it's safe to say it is no longer an issue.

 

This particular issue has crossed my mind before, while I was both on and off my period. I suppose it's something we should question once we make the decision to get serious. "Is this real? Or am I fooling myself into thinking it's real?" Tough part is that before I felt like I "just knew", and I "just knew" that it was very, very real. Now that I'm older, I'm afraid to just assume things, and now I can't convince myself what I want anymore.

 

We had one disagreement once that lead to me leaving the room for a while, but we dealt with it, and I'm pretty sure it was so miniscule that I don't even remember what it was about!

 

If I ever needed reassurance, I could just go to him and talk. The butterflies would return to my stomach, and I would know things were just fine. Now, when he says "I love you", I'm shot with this horrible sense of guilt because of having that thought cross my mind, and the guilt overrides what joy I'm supposed to be feeling.

 

As for our sex life....to be perfectly honest, we are both very happy not doing it, and finding other just as satisfying ways to be intimate. I do not want to have sex until I am married (and yes, years ago we talked this over and, since we have our own ways around having no intercourse, and we are both perfectly happy not doing it), and right now, as we are both in college, marriage is a while off. Allow me to say that there are currently zero problems in the sex aspect of things.

 

To be perfectly honest, I don't know why this is happening now. It's anxiety from out of the bluest blue! I was perfectly happy when I went to bed that night, just minutes before I had that thought. I was tired, and I missed him, but that was it.

 

When you say "what's your role here", are you asking how well I am balanced against my boyfriend? For instance, if he is EXTREMELY understanding, as I put it, am I "EXTREMELY" understanding too?

 

Anyway...thanks for listening again....typing this out to somebody helps a lot, and any ounce of hope feels amazing.

[carhill]

I think some of the ladies would be better qualified to comment on the 'butterflies' part after a five year relationship, so I'll focus on the "What if I don't really love him as much as it feels I do?"part.

 

Let is go for a week and see how you feel.

 

As often opined here on LS, love is choice and action. What impels you to those choices and actions is unique to you. Does your anxiety seem out of context to your environment and associations? Like it doesn't 'fit' with your circumstances? If so, the mirror is the best therapy tool, IMO. You can look into it alone or with help.

 

For myself, having face a similar conundrum, such anxiety was a signal from my people-picker warring away with the butterfly brigade. Your circumstances are unique to you.

 

Have you shared your feelings with your BF? If so, response?

[ThickAndThin]

I share all of my feelings -- phobias, happiness, excitement, apprehension, and this particular, curious anxiety -- with my boyfriend. His response was thus.

 

He loves me very much, no matter what happens. If I need him to let go (though the thoughts of that cause me to break down), he says he will. If he needs to change anything, he says he will. If I need him to stick around and listen to me, he says he will -- and does. He is currently on standby unless I need to talk to him.

 

This is what I meant when I said he is fantastic. He would be willing to be accept me breaking up with him -- even though it would quite literally be without ANY reason -- if that`s what I need. This after spending hundreds of dollars to come visit me, and dropping hundreds of dollars on a promise ring.

 

He really is amazing...then again, right now, I`m feeling as though I`m on the upswing of a depression. It won`t last though...it never lasts, no matter how much I beg myself or pray. In an hour I will feel horrible, horrible depression and begging myself to feel happy and comfortable, the way I used to.

 

I already gave it one week, which went horribly...should I give it another? I'm so scared of becoming too comfortable with asking for space. We already live miles and miles apart...why would I need space? And what if I do something piss-ass stupid, like crush on somebody else? I don't want to leave him. I want to be with him. He's my other half, and I am his.

[carhill]

Take this quote:

 

He loves me very much, no matter what happens. If I need him to let go (though the thoughts of that cause me to break down), he says he will. If he needs to change anything, he says he will. If I need him to stick around and listen to me, he says he will -- and does. He is currently on standby unless I need to talk to him.

 

And turn it around. He's you and you're him.

 

Part of me thinks his boundaries are too low and, deep down, you may be starting to not respect him.

 

I was like that many years ago and, to a certain extent, in my marriage. LS'ers have a name for that behavior; it's called being a doormat.

 

Your anxiety may, if persistent and not related to other aspects of your life (school, home, work, etc), be a result of this dynamic of his behavior and your 'butterflies'. I hope some of the ladies will comment on this.

[melodymatters]

Honey, something is going on deep inside you that most likely has nothing to do with how wonderful you both are, and your relationship is. ( And it does sound like a very mature, healthy R !)

 

I think maybe you are frightened of this huge lifetime comitment, despite your love and friendship, and it is probably because you are so young.

 

You are both in college. Thats young nowadays to really talk about marriage and the fact that your anxiety didn't happen until AFTER the promise ring, I'm thinking that It's the marriage part thats freaking you out.

 

Since he is so understanding, perhaps you could explain your anxiety ( as you did) and say that while you love the promise ring, it has shown you that you think you BOTH need a little more time until a true engagement.

 

I mean if you calm down and think, you already loved each other and were promising to be faithful, so this is just a sign. No need for a ANOTHER ring and decision for quite sometime.

 

As yourself, what age you would be comfortable getting engaged to the point to pick out a date. If that age is 25, 26, than so be it.

 

We have anxiety attacks when we aren't being honest with ourselves ! Listen to your body, it's screaming out to your mind to listen.......

 

Nothing needs to be decided right now. This is real life stuff, take your time...

 

Hope this helped, keep posting, we have some really smart folks on here !

[ThickAndThin]

I need to say thank you again just for taking the time out to listen to me!! I have been talking to my school counseller, I have a doctor's appointment, and a trip due at the mental health clinic in my city to help me cope -- simply browsing this site, having people listen, to relate to, comment, and support me has already helped me feel fifty percent better -- which is like, a fifty percent improvement, which is just FANTASTIC.

 

I am totally okay with waiting for marriage. I know I dropped the hint before, because I think I thought the ring would fotify our bond, but really, at this stage, a piece of metal with a stone in it isn't going to fortify us. Only we can do that, right?

 

Maybe I need to start thinking about this ring as an "Us" ring more, so that I don't feel so terrified of losing such a great thing. Maybe all along, I've been afraid of "breaking a deal" or something...because lately I've been more afraid of the risk of losing him than I am of "actually" losing him. Maybe you're so right.

 

Does this mean I'm afraid of commitment? I don't want to be that kind of girl...

 

Again...you guys are so, so wonderful. I can't thank you all enough! THank you!

[zebracolors]

I actually went through brief periods of feeling sort of "out of love" with my Ex whom I had been with some 10 years. Prior to when we broke up, (I did the leaving) they happened but I'd always remember why I fell for him in the first place and it was alright. The break up is another story though.

 

And hello Nowomanocry. If you're new, welcome to LS

[nowomanocry]

Well, ello then Zebracolors lol