butterfly kisses Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Yesterday I went to talk to my ex boyfriend. I have not seen him in 6 weeks. I broke up with him on Christmas. I have kept in contact with him, and have sent him some mixed signals the past 2 months. I told him not to call me, not to text me. I made it clear to him to let me do all the contacting. In one way or another I have had some form of communication with him almost every day (email, text, IM, or phone call) He told me he does not understand why this is completely one sided. We were in a committed relationship for almost 2 years. We had great chemistry, good times, supported each other. Our only issues were poor communication at times, and we both said a few things that hurt each other. Besides those two things we had a good relationship. My ex boyfriend is very independent. He is 30 and had lived on his own for 10 years, I am 30, and I still live at home, and I consider myself independent in most ways but I still rely on my parents for a place to stay. I do have to say I wanted to marry this man so badly, some this was bad timing. When we first met almost 4 years ago we went on 3 dates. They were all great dates. I told him I am having a family reunion in Vegas, and I will be excited to see you in a week when I get back. When I got back he was trying to set dates with me, and I don’t know why but I ignored him did not return his phone calls, did not return his text messages. He tried for a week then quit contacting me. I came around a year later, and we went on a few more dates. I was really surprised how excited he was to see me. Once again I went to Atlantic City to see family, and we had dates planned when I got back. When I was up there I met someone, and had a 4 month LD relationship. He was crushed. He did not talk to me for 3 months. I finally contacted him, and went to his house one day, and I kissed him. WOW I realized I had feelings for this man. After this we dated for 2 years. Back in August we took a brief break. He told me I should have never had a parent involved in this break up. My dad went over to his house walked right in the door and completely told him off. He said from your dads words. I did not want to make any quick moves. And that is why he did not begin to fix things faster. He told me in the future if we rekindle our relationship it is between us only. Yesterday I met him, and we talked. He was asking me about my one way communication, and how he felt helpless, it how unfair it is to contact him almost every day, but he could not contact me. He told me he does not understand why someone would do this to another person. I did not have much for an answer. He then told me what his intentions were. He told me he loves me, and I am the one for him. Then he pulls out a 1.5 carat loose diamond, and asks me I am someone with working for, and making a future with, or are we done. He told me we will work at this slowly, and when we are both ready this diamond was go on my finger. He also wants us to go to relationship counseling together. He made a comment that this is the one, and only way he could show me how serious he really was. I don’t know what to do. I have dreamed of marrying him for so long, and now he pulls out a diamond. I told him I need time to think about it. I can’t make I time line for this. He told me he would like to know in a few weeks if he is worth me spending a few hours with to talk to about moving forward with a relationship. If not it will be considered finished. I did talk to him for 2 hours, and we hugged each other for 2 minutes holding each other very close, and tight. Then we both left.
Twenty-ten Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well what do you want out of all this? It sounds like the poor guy is doing back flips for you and is at your beck and call and you are merely tepid about him. Is it an ego stroke that you want or do you even care about this guy? You complain about your terrible communication, which was ultimately also the demise of your relationship, yet you keep him at bay with this one sided hot and cold game you are playing. Exactly what are you doing for communication? Unless I am missing something tragic he did to you to deserve this on-going terrible treatment, it sounds like you could don't care about this guy. I'm sorry but "you don't know why you ignored him?" Sure you know, what did he do to your that you are trying to punish him?
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OP, welcome to LS What culture are you and your erstwhile BF? I think that's relevant. Is your culture such that you must remain at home until married? If not, what's keeping you at home at 30? If he met someone else and didn't contact you again, would that bother you? Why?
make me believe Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 You have been really selfish, stringing this guy along for so long! Why did you make all these rules about him not being allowed to contact you, but then you go and call/email/text him every single day?? Do you want to be in a relationship with your ex or not? You need to make the decision and then stick with it. No more hot & cold, no arbitrary "rules" set up by you, and definitely no involving your parents. (He is right, the relationship needs to be between the two of you, NOT the two of you & your parents.) If you want a relationship with him, you can always do it without getting engaged right now. Take things slowly, etc. But if you don't want a relationship it's extremely unfair (and unkind) to string him along as you have been for the past few months.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I think he can find a woman who is sincerely interested in him. I think you are only focusing on the sparkling diamond.
mansquito Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If I were him, I would have given up on you four years ago when you tried to play me for a chump the first time. Seriously - do you want him or not? After four years, there's no "maybe." If you do, quit playing the games and try to have an adult relationship for once. If not, then tell him so, and let him move on with his life.
CarrieT Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Things like this blow me away -- some of us would give our eye-teeth for relationships like this; willing to give and share all parts of our lives and hearts and bodies, with no ulterior motives or games.
threebyfate Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Based on the story, it's no wonder the guy chose to play the game of using marriage for a carrot/stick. Smart guy not to outright propose.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Based on the story, it's no wonder the guy chose to play the game of using marriage for a carrot/stick. Smart guy not to outright propose. TBF - Don't you mean carat?
DustySaltus Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 So let me get this straight: You break up with him through your FATHER! You tell HIM only that YOU can only contact HIM after the breakup! Dropped him like a bad habit in the past. And your wondering whether or not you should marry him after all you put this poor guy through. YES, you should absolutely marry him because I don't think you'll EVER find a guy like that. However, if I was him I would run for the hills.
threebyfate Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 TBF - Don't you mean carat? Well played!! An even smarter move for the guy in the story, would have been to move on.
DustySaltus Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 And one more thing: Do you know how much a man has to love you to offer to go to RELATIONSHIP counseling with you to make it work? It's so much easier to just walk away. That's love. I mean you don't even understand the type of guy you have in front of you.
Author butterfly kisses Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 He is a really good guy, and he has been understanding with me. He is the one who wanted the (break / cooling off period) in August. I think he should have been chasing me right after this happened if he really wanted me. He has told me a few times that what my father did by telling him off held him back. I don't understand why if he really loved me he would hold back. When I went to his house to pick up some things of mine. I brought my father with me. all I hear from him is that was not necessary, and we are two adult capable of handling our own matters. He treats me good, and takes care of me. He does not always treat me like the princess I should be treated like. We have had our disagreements, and he has done a few things that hurt me. Sometimes he had a bad attitude about things. I even change myself a little because I did not want him to break up with me. When it started to get the best of me, that is when this cooling off period started. I can say though he has always been faithful, and supportive of me.
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 He does not always treat me like the princess I should be treated like. OK, then. Go with that
Sassygirl2 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Sounds like you are not giving us all of the story.......
CarrieT Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 He does not always treat me like the princess I should be treated like. I can say though he has always been faithful, and supportive of me. Excuse me, you are a WOMAN. A human being. An equal. You are NOT a princess and that sort of mentality is crap. Getting past that fairy tale mentality is quite probably an impossibility for you since all you centered on in your first post is the diamond. It sounds like all you want is the glitz and glamor of a fantasy world that does not exist. You say that he has been faithful and supportive of you. I have news for you: that IS being treated like a princess. You just don't see it.
threebyfate Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Butterfly kisses, you're an unusual poster who's willing to display all the caricature traits of female allocated bad behaviour, while making the guy in your story, out to be Prince Charming. It's not often that an OP is willing to be so "brutally" honest about themselves. If anything, your story sounds more like something a bitter man would write, in fairy tale clarity. Since all the members have pointed out your bad behaviours, it's time to work on yourself. Good luck!
aerogurl87 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 So he chases after you for four years and your still confused? I'm sorry OP, but I would give up almost everything in my life to have someone as good as that. Love like that (the true unconditional love that most people only read about) is rare to find. My ex boyfriend can attest to that. Anyway, sounds to me like your living in fairyland. No everyday will not be like a honeymoon and yes you two will not always agree, but in the end if everything is overall as good as you say it is then I see no problem here. I think you don't love him, you just love the attention. If I were him I'd leave you and go find someone else who was willing to love me as much as he loves you. Bottom line is, unless your leaving out some critical info (ex. infidelity) then you don't deserve him.
babyswan Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 If anything, your story sounds more like something a bitter man would write, in fairy tale clarity. That crossed my mind too! OP your story IS so unusual.... it seems fake! However - I'm not saying it is at all. I just think you should be kind to this guy and tell him you don't want him because I honestly don't think you do... you certainly should not marry someone when you are SO unsure about them. Give the guy a break and a chance of a happy peaceful life with someone else... I'm sure you will in time find someone you can be sure you like and life will be easier for the both of you. Good luck!
nddb Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Two things came to mind. 1) You sound immature in relationships. Listen to the other posters here about improving your communication and having realistic expectation. And that fixation on the diamond thing is a huge turnoff for most guys, and most people. If it were me, it would have been a huge red flag (not that other things weren't). 2) Most likely, he is from a different culture. As such, it's probably impossible for posters here to understand his behavior without understanding the cultural setting. If I'm wrong, then my bad but he doesn't sound like someone who was brought up in this culture would act. Again, as someone asked, what culture are you/he from? We don't mean to single you out, but that gives us a perspective to understand your post.
Johnny M Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Butterfly kisses, you're an unusual poster who's willing to display all the caricature traits of female allocated bad behavior, while making the guy in your story, out to be Prince Charming. It's not often that an OP is willing to be so "brutally" honest about themselves. I think it's more of a case of being not very bright than "brutally honest". I doubt the OP realizes that she has portrayed herself as a total POS.
XKatieX Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) Not trying to bash you or anything but I think it is absoultely ridiculous getting your father so much involved, you're a grown woman. You should be handling your relationships on your own, and I completely agree with your bf when he said it was unnecessary. You are just playing his heart by making him chase you and sending mixed signals, and it just seems to be the way you are. If you want this guy to stick around, STOP PLAYING GAMES. You say you love him and wanted to marry him for so long, then whats holding you back? You can't expect this guy to wait for you forever when you are constantly pushing him away, think about what you have and what it means to you. Because one day when you realize it, it might be too late. Edited February 24, 2010 by XKatieX
spinster Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Yikes, girl, stop playing games. You've got something good, stop with the power plays! Let go and give him all, or just let him go now so he can find happiness elsewhere. You will regret all this once he is gone. And read these threads: Male's perspective on female game playing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222634/ Love, American style: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t221946/
j444 Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 wow what a way to show someone your true feelings for them do you love him and want to make a life together or not! it sounds like you dont have a whole lot of time to decide what you want. i dont know the history or whole story buy i commend this man for showing you and offering you everything he has to offer... he is giving you the freedom to make your decision - think about it and dont let me make the decision and by taking to long and risk losing him my best goes to both of you
Recommended Posts