make me believe Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 1. You should be spending enough time with your SO prior to marriage to know whether or not you want to marry them/are compatible. 2. Can't stand living with someone??? If you end a relationship because you don't like how someone cleans, or how infrequently someone cleans, or how they forget to change the tp roll when it's empty, or don't mind if there are dishes in the sink, or don't rinse of the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher....THAT IS THE MOST RETARDED, IMMATURE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. You're not talking about a potential roommate, you're taking about a RELATIONSHIP and COMMITMENT and MARRIAGE. In those cases, you work out those issues, you don't dump them and move in with someone else. I completely agree with all of this, Jessa!! The big things that you NEED to know about somebody before marriage can all be found out without living together, imo. Actually, even the small things can. I knew my ex and I would be able to live together compatibly before I moved in with him. Why on earth would I have moved in otherwise?! Similarly, even without living with my current bf I can tell his habits & standards of living are compatible with mine. I don't need to live with him before marriage in order to "test" that. I'm interested in having a relationship with him, not doing a trial run of a relationship with him. Addtionally, sometimes I think that people are just TOO inflexible. I've heard & read countless stories of people moving in with their SO and then they get into massive fights about dirty dishes, their partner not doing laundry the "right" way, etc. All of that stuff should be like....the bottom of the barrel when it comes to problems in a relationship. But nobody wants to compromise or change their habits for someone else. It needs to be about building habits & ways of living that are acceptable to BOTH partners, not steamrolling your SO into doing it the way YOU want it done. And I think that's best done in a marriage setting, where you can't let your partners laundry habits turn into some gigantic "incompatibility" issue.
phineas Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 (edited) If you want to marry him, sociological data shows that living together might increase your chances of divorce. The problem with that is it never lists the reason why there was divorce. I lived with my STBXW for a few yrs before we were married. Shortly after the first yr of marriage she started online dateing & proceded to cheat on me for the rest of the marriage. Now were getting a divorce. I don't think whether we lived together or not would of mattered because she is who she is. Edited February 25, 2010 by phineas
Stung Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 ^^ Uhm, I have no idea why those were quoted under my name. I never wrote any of this. I know; I did. I was confused at first too and wondered if you were living my life but then I just went with it .
CandyGirlXO Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 I would just like to add this. I also have read that there is a correlation between couples living together before marriage and divorce. However NEW STUDIES have shown that it's not true. An alarming amount of couples are cohabitating and they are now saying that there is no correlation. Not like this matters but now a days it really is the norm. Every couple I know either live together or lived together BEFORE marriage. I personally would never move in with a guy if marriage wasn't in intention. I learned that the hard way while living with an EXBF My BF now we moved in together a little before a year. Things have been great and so far no regrets. It's financially better for both of us. We split rverythjg 50/50. We buy furntiture etc...together. The best part for me is just being able to spend the night with him every night. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with it and the whole analogy of "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" I think is just stupid and probably came from the times where people waited till marriage for sex. I am 27 he is 30 and I think that our relationship is great so far. To me it shows commitment. It was his idea and I definitely didn't want to turn it down. We don't talk about marriage but honestly that's a huge step and I'm comfortable with where we are at right now. He is good to me, I trust him completely, he respects me, and this is the healthiest reationship I have ever been in. Even though we don't discuss marriage I know he isn't the type to keep me hanging for 10 years. I know he wants children and so do I. And he knows that I would never have a baby unless marriag comes first. I say do it For those who think that cleaning arguments are stupid. I'm not sure about that. My EX was a slob! He expected me to clean up after him and he would say I don't care if it's messy. If you want it cleaned then you clean it. It was horrible and a huge reason why I left. The house was so messy because of him I could never have anyone over. My BF and I now are much more compatible. When the trash needs to be taken out or the dishes need to be washed someone just does it. It's great.
JessaL Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 For those who think that cleaning arguments are stupid. I'm not sure about that. My EX was a slob! He expected me to clean up after him and he would say I don't care if it's messy. If you want it cleaned then you clean it. So you had never been over to your b/f's place before moving in with him? I'm not against living together before marriage (to each his or her own); however, moving in with someone is not the correct (IMO) or only (fact) way to find out if someone is messy, doesn't clean often, doesn't mind dirty dishes in the sink, etc.
CandyGirlXO Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 So you had never been over to your b/f's place before moving in with him? I'm not against living together before marriage (to each his or her own); however, moving in with someone is not the correct (IMO) or only (fact) way to find out if someone is messy, doesn't clean often, doesn't mind dirty dishes in the sink, etc. True! But funny thing no we were both undergrads. I was living with his friends in a house and he was just visiting his friends during the summer. He went to college out of state. He met me, sparks flew, and since his parents are millionaires he just decided to ship all his belongings, transfer schools, and get a place with me n Crazy but yeah I never saw his place.
allina Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 Any other tips you can share with? General stuff, of course. Be clear and direct about your expectations. What level of cleanliness do you expect, what is your budget for bills, etc. Also don't stop going out with friends and don't insist that your SO be home by a certain time when they're out with friends. Greet your SO with a kiss and a smile when they come home. If you're having a bad day don't take it out on your SO. Talk to each other with love and kindness. Laugh and have a lot of sex.
Author Leia Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 LIke.. what things did you discuss BEFORE moving in, or things that you WISHED you discussed. This would be good to know, sometimes people overlook the obvious. Rent, bills to be shared. Chores to be split. If I'm cooking [still learning ], he'll clean up after me and the other way around if he cooks. At this moment, that is all that we talked about. We haven't had time to talk longer since we got back from our conference and he's out of town this weekend. So hopefully, next weekend we'll be able to work a time out to go out and talk about stuff. Either way, I'm moving to another place closer to my university/work place so it is up to him to come and live with me or not. After reading all the posts on here, I have a lot to think about.
Woggle Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 I lived together with my wife close to a year before we tied the knot and it was actually an easy transition. She pays her half of the bills and I pay my half plus we both clean up after ourselves so that is not an issue. I think you just have to find somebody you can live with.
Author Leia Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 I personally would never move in with a guy if marriage wasn't in intention. I learned that the hard way while living with an EXBF I've always wanted to but it was never right, the guy wasn't the right one for me to move in with. It's either you feel it or you don't. If that makes any sense. 2 of my exes asked me to move in with them but I declined as I didn't feel excited or even happy when they asked. But with my current boyfriend, when I think about it and talk about moving in together I feel good and excited. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with it and the whole analogy of "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" I think is just stupid and probably came from the times where people waited till marriage for sex. It is stupid. I have older relatives and friends that said the same thing and they ended up living together with their partners before marriage anyway We don't talk about marriage but honestly that's a huge step and I'm comfortable with where we are at right now. As for marriage, he talked to me about it and decided that we will wait until his mother visits him in July/August. It'll be my first time meeting her and we'll see how that one plays out That's good. Being in a healthy relationship helps and it's good that you guys are on the same wavelength. For those who think that cleaning arguments are stupid. I'm not sure about that. My EX was a slob! He expected me to clean up after him and he would say I don't care if it's messy. If you want it cleaned then you clean it. It was horrible and a huge reason why I left. The house was so messy because of him I could never have anyone over. My BF and I now are much more compatible. When the trash needs to be taken out or the dishes need to be washed someone just does it. It's great. I cannot live in a messy environment! He knows it too and like I said in one of my posts here, he's good at keeping a place neat and tidy. I was brought up in an environment where cleanliness is VERY important and things are to be put back to where it was, that sort of thing. It's almost like a deal-breaker for me and my family My mother is very particular about it and she trained our maids very well! I had an ex that was nicely dressed and smelled good. I was impressed all the time until I went back to his place! It was so untidy and there was some kind of smell. Obviously, we didn't last very long
Author Leia Posted February 26, 2010 Author Posted February 26, 2010 Yea I agree with you, Woggle. I know that it can either work out well or not and that is something I want to find out. ^^ Uhm, I have no idea why those were quoted under my name. I never wrote any of this. :o My mistake! I quoted wrongly. Sorry!
Recommended Posts