Living Together

[Leia]

For those of you living together with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how did you come to that decision?

 

How long has it been?

 

What are the pros and cons of living together?

 

For those who did and have broken up, do you think it had something to do with the fact that you lived together before you got married? Is it something you would do again with a future boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

Would like to hear from those who have experienced the above.

 

Thanks!

[Citizen Erased]

I lived with my ex for 3-4 years, I had to leave home and I couldn't live with my grandmother forever.

 

If anything, we got long better when we lived together. I'd have to say if we didn't we wouldn't have lasted as long as we did, so I doubt in my case the breakup had anything to do with living together before marriage.

 

Yes, I would do it again.

[prettybaby]

I don't live with my boyfriend at the moment, but it's something I could see us doing within a year. We've been together for 1 year now.

 

I moved in with my ex within 1 year. No regrets, it was alright. Although our lifestyles were quite different and our schedules didn't really match. In a way, that was good because I could have some time alone at home. I think the biggest con was sharing tasks ... he never cleaned up after himself. VERY frustrating!!

 

If you move in together, make sure that you have some time at least once a week (like maybe one evening or afternoon or whatever) where you're by yourself and can enjoy your own space for a while. Everybody needs that.

 

Another factor to keep in mind is: are you moving into his place, or is he moving into your place, or will you two be getting a new place together?

 

I think that getting a new place together is - generally speaking for most new couples - the best idea. Because that way, it's a fresh new start for both, and neither one feels like the other is invading his or her home, and they won't have to get rid of stuff so that your stuff can fit due to lack of space.

 

 

If my boyfriend and I ever move in together, I get the feeling I'll be moving into his house. Because he has a whole upper floor that isn't used right now (it's completely bare and empty), and which would double the size of the overall living space if we did something with it. So I could keep most of my furniture and have enough space for all my stuff, and he'd have a bigger house to live in. That would be a nice alternative instead of both having to sell and move. I wouldn't mind paying part of the renovations of his upper floor, as his budget is too tight to do it himself (unless he does little by little over 10 years time). So it would be a win-win situation for both of us, as me moving out of here would free up my house which I could then rent out to someone and thus have an additional income on top of it.

 

And if things ever go South, I can just move back into my house.

[make me believe]

I lived with my ex of three years for about 2.5 years. I don't live with my current boyfriend, and won't until we are engaged (with a wedding date set & plans in motion) or even married.

 

I don't believe that you have to cohabitate in order to "really know" someone. I had very open, honest communication with my ex (and do with my current bf as well), so when we moved in together there were no big surprises. Honestly, I can't imagine how someone can NOT realize their bf is a controlling slob before moving in together. I mean, really? IMO that says more about the relationship & quality of communication/honesty than anything else.

 

Living with my ex was a good experience overall, but it's not one I plan on repeating outside of marriage/engagement. I think that when you are dating someone, there are some boundaries that should be kept in place. I don't want to "play house" and live as a married couple when we're NOT a married couple. It makes breaking up so much harder, and I think people are much more likely to stay in a bad relationship when they are cohabitating because things get so complicated -- in order to break up, someone has to move out, leases may have to be broken or new roommates found, one or both partners may not be able to afford to move out, etc.

 

I don't consider moving in together to be a mandatory step in the dating process. It seems like nowadays everyone moves in with their partner after about 6 months. It's become the norm. But are people having longer/happier relationships/marriages because of it? I don't think so. If anything, it seems to delay marriage as people get comfortable as things are, and men especially feel like they have what they want so why change it? (I hate the "why buy the cow" analogy, but honestly sometimes I think it applies!)

 

Plus, people seem to think that living together prepares you for marriage -- if you can handle living together, you can handle being married. But that assumes that cohabitating & being married are the same/very similar. They are not!! Cohabitating doesn't involve nearly the level of commitment that marriage does. I want to be with a guy who wants me to BE HIS WIFE, not play the part of his wife without the official commitment.

[Stung]

I lived with three serious boyfriends, at various times. The first two obviously ended in breakups, and I'm glad of it. Living with them rather than simply dating them taught me a lot about our relationship dynamics and the way we handled life together, as well as revealing a lot of nuances about their characters, and it turned out we weren't good matches...which is exactly why we broke up. If I had married them unknowingly I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable or divorced right now.

 

I moved in with my last boyfriend after almost a year of long-distance friendship that then turned into 6 more months of long-distance whirlwind romance. We lived together for about 2.5 years before we got married.

 

I certainly hope I'm never single and dating again, but if I ever am and I get serious about another person, I will definitely live with them before I get engaged or marry again.

[plrs199]

I moved in with my boyfriend at about 6 months. We've been together for a little over a year. I love living with him and am glad that he convinced me to. He wanted me to move in after only 3-4 months but I held out a bit longer.

I had decided to because it was a good financial move and we were very serious and he really wanted me to move in with him.

I think the pros of living together are: you save money, you get to sleep together every night, I get to cook for us a lot more, we resolve any arguments in a more timely manner, etc.

I can't think of any cons.

 

I like living with him and the whole "guy won't want to get married if you live with him" does not apply in my case. He says that we could go down to the courthouse and get married anytime. But I want to wait until we've both graduated college (he's graduating this spring and I'll hopefully be graduating sometime next year) and we can have a small, outdoor, non-traditional, wedding.

Edited February 24, 2010 by plrs199

[JessaL]

For those of you living together with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how did you come to that decision?

My (now ex) bf and I came to the decision to move in together mostly because we were too stupid to know any better. It also seemed like a very good solution to certain things that were going on at the time.

 

How long has it been?

We lived together for around 7 months.

 

What are the pros and cons of living together?

Pros:

• I saved money (my bf probably didn't, and for the most part I disagree with people who say you save money - it's possible to, but I don't think most people do, except possibly on the grocery bill)
  
• See each other every day
  
• Possibly you have someone to share the housework/yardwork with...assuming you weren't living with other roommates before moving in with an SO
  

Cons:

• Packing
  
• Moving
  
• Unpacking
  
• See each other every day
  
• See each other every night
  
• Less/no privacy
  
• Way less alone time
  
• More things to bicker about, and more opportunity to do so
  
• Breaking up is way more of a hassle; someone has to move out; see each other all the time in the interim while looking for a new place to live, and then there is more packing and unpacking
  
• Probably less likely to leave a crappy relationship when living together
  
• People often get lazy and put less effort into the relationship once you're living together
  
• Less sex due to bickering and seeing each other every day, yet no privacy to take care of things myself
  
• If you have any other roommates, that person or persons will be privy to all the relationship problems
  
• One person will most likely end up doing most or all of the cleaning/picking up, despite best intentions to the contrary (if intentions are even there to begin with)
  
• Issues can arise when one of you moves to the other's home, instead of getting a new place together
  
• Issues can arise when there is a discrepancy in income, even if you thought money issues were discussed and worked out in advance (who's paying what and how much, etc.)
  

I'm sure there are a ton of cons I'm missing.

 

For those who did and have broken up, do you think it had something to do with the fact that you lived together before you got married?

No, our breakup had nothing to do with moving in together. We both already knew what we were getting into, and shouldn't have made that move. Living together or increased the frequency of our fights.

 

Is it something you would do again with a future boyfriend/girlfriend?

First reaction to this is HELL FREAKING NO. A more reasonable/accurate answer is: Probably not.

 

Current bf wants me to move in eventually; some of his counterarguments include that "It's not about seeing if we're compatible, it's about wanting to see each other every day" and "Spending every day together but paying rent at your own place is just you having one foot out the door the whole time".

 

So in that case, why not just propose? (Supposedly he does want to get married to me.)

 

If you're not in the marriage boat right now, and don't think you will be anytime soon, go for it, if you want to.

 

Personally, what it comes down to for me after learning a bit is that until I am married (or possibly engaged) I don't want to give up any privacy or independence.

[Dark-Farmer]

I got the weirdest living together story.

I lived with my girlfriend for two months before we even started dating.

 

Me and my brother lived together and a friend of his (an aquaintance of mine) needed a place to stay and we had an extra room. She moved in and two months later we started seeing each other.

 

It turned out that we were very compatible and got along great. I've been seeing her for about a year and a half now and things are going great.

 

I know going out with your roommate is probably not a good idea, but it work for us.

[Enema]

If you want to marry him, sociological data shows that living together might increase your chances of divorce.

 

More specifically, the data says that "couples who co-habited prior to marriage are more likely to divorce".

 

I think there's an important distinction between that phrase and the way you worded it.

 

Your statement (not bashing you here) implies living together causes divorce. I think it's important to look at the broader picture. ie.

 

1) If you're the kind of person who's open to co-habiting, you're probably more open to the idea of divorce, so of course the rates are higher.

 

2) If you don't think co-habiting is right; you may be conservative, or religious and thereby more reluctant to divorce - no matter how unhappy you are.

 

In summary: I don't think the stats about co-habiting and divorce are relevant to successful relationships because they miss so much.

[Stung]

Per a previous statement that you should know your partner before moving in, I agree only to a point. If I was shocked to find out that my partner was a slob, or extremely controlling, or some other major, usually pretty visible trait, that might say something negative about my powers of perception. However people are complex and nuanced and in a dating situation we tend to see each other in our best lights; it's quite common for people to interpret themselves quite differently than another person does, as well, so communication doesn't necessarily close the gap there, even if the person is being scrupulously honest and trying to be objective, which is not always the case. Living with someone day in and day out will teach you far more about how most people deal with life, not just the big things but the little things, too, and it can be surprising what might turn out to be a hot zone of incompatibility. JMO.

 

As to more pros and cons, it's a long list that probably differs from couple to couple. One poster mentioned that she didn't think saving money was as real a factor as others had said, perhaps that depends on your location. I know in my own environment that is a very real consideration, as real estate and cost of living are high here. Of course this still depends on your setup, neighborhood, number of flatmates you'd be willing to live with, etc. It comes down to priorities.

 

For me the biggest pro was the time spent together and getting to know the person inside-and-out. Others' mileage will vary, obviously.

[terra]

Great topic.

I myself am considering moving in with my dude.

I would never marry someone before living with them first. I totally believe that you get to know the person better by seeing how they handle the day to day things. I don't think I would move in with a boyfriend that I didn't see as someone I would potentially marry.

I don't want to get married then be surprised - the cons of finding a new place or dividing up stuff are a lot easier to swallow than marrying someone and finding out you can't stand living with them.

[JessaL]

I don't want to get married then be surprised - the cons of finding a new place or dividing up stuff are a lot easier to swallow than marrying someone and finding out you can't stand living with them.

 

If this works for you, that's great; however, since I'm under the impression that the OP is trying to decide if she wants to move in with her bf, I am going to disagree with you.

 

1. You should be spending enough time with your SO prior to marriage to know whether or not you want to marry them/are compatible.

 

2. Can't stand living with someone??? If you end a relationship because you don't like how someone cleans, or how infrequently someone cleans, or how they forget to change the tp roll when it's empty, or don't mind if there are dishes in the sink, or don't rinse of the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher....THAT IS THE MOST RETARDED, IMMATURE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. You're not talking about a potential roommate, you're taking about a RELATIONSHIP and COMMITMENT and MARRIAGE. In those cases, you work out those issues, you don't dump them and move in with someone else.

[Leia]

I lived with my ex for 3-4 years, I had to leave home and I couldn't live with my grandmother forever.

 

If anything, we got long better when we lived together. I'd have to say if we didn't we wouldn't have lasted as long as we did, so I doubt in my case the breakup had anything to do with living together before marriage.

 

Yes, I would do it again.

 

So is it safe to say that you got to know eachother better by living together at the time?

[Leia]

I don't live with my boyfriend at the moment, but it's something I could see us doing within a year. We've been together for 1 year now.

 

Oh congrats on the 1 year

 

I moved in with my ex within 1 year. No regrets, it was alright. Although our lifestyles were quite different and our schedules didn't really match. In a way, that was good because I could have some time alone at home. I think the biggest con was sharing tasks ... he never cleaned up after himself. VERY frustrating!!

 

I'm going to do this the way I reply my PM Paragraph by paragraph! Ok no regrets, that's a good thing. Never have regrets, I say!

 

I know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't clean up after him/herself I've lived with roomies before and it was one of my pet peeves as I grew up with people cleaning up after themselves all the time. Ok actually, the maid cleaned up after us but I learned a few things!

 

I don't have an issue there with my boyfriend. He cleans up well after himself from what I have seen at his place, it's immaculate!

 

If you move in together, make sure that you have some time at least once a week (like maybe one evening or afternoon or whatever) where you're by yourself and can enjoy your own space for a while. Everybody needs that.

 

Looking at our schedules at this very moment, I don't think we will have time for ourselves. We are both taking our PhD and working for our universities. He works from 9 - 4pm while I work from 9.30 - 5.30pm. His university is about 45 mins away from me so we were thinking that maybe in a day, we'd see each other from 6pm onwards. We have to study at night and I'm usually in bed by midnight [or trying to] and he's usually up till 2am. The only time we'd be fully concentrating on eachother would be weekends.

 

As for having some time alone, we have talked about it and we have no issues on that. Most of the time when I say I need some time alone, it's with my girlfriends.

 

Another factor to keep in mind is: are you moving into his place, or is he moving into your place, or will you two be getting a new place together?

 

We plan to move in into a new place. He lives on campus while I have my own place, thanks to daddy and mummy It's perfect and I don't mind him moving in [he lived next door that's how I got to know him ] but he thought it would be best to find a new place so that in any case things don't work out between us for whatever reason, I can move back into my place.

 

I think that getting a new place together is - generally speaking for most new couples - the best idea. Because that way, it's a fresh new start for both, and neither one feels like the other is invading his or her home, and they won't have to get rid of stuff so that your stuff can fit due to lack of space.

 

Yes, I agree with you

 

 

If my boyfriend and I ever move in together, I get the feeling I'll be moving into his house. Because he has a whole upper floor that isn't used right now (it's completely bare and empty), and which would double the size of the overall living space if we did something with it. So I could keep most of my furniture and have enough space for all my stuff, and he'd have a bigger house to live in. That would be a nice alternative instead of both having to sell and move. I wouldn't mind paying part of the renovations of his upper floor, as his budget is too tight to do it himself (unless he does little by little over 10 years time). So it would be a win-win situation for both of us, as me moving out of here would free up my house which I could then rent out to someone and thus have an additional income on top of it.

 

And if things ever go South, I can just move back into my house.

 

Have you guys talked about moving in together? What's holding you back, if there has been talk on this matter?

[Leia]

If you want to marry him, sociological data shows that living together might increase your chances of divorce.

 

See I don't agree with this. I have seen those who only moved in together after getting married ended up in divorce, anyway.

 

If anything, it boils down to compatibility between one another. What works for you, what doesn't.

[Leia]

I lived with three serious boyfriends, at various times. The first two obviously ended in breakups, and I'm glad of it. Living with them rather than simply dating them taught me a lot about our relationship dynamics and the way we handled life together, as well as revealing a lot of nuances about their characters, and it turned out we weren't good matches...which is exactly why we broke up. If I had married them unknowingly I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable or divorced right now.

 

My bro and my sis-in-law lived together prior to tying the knot. Up until now, they told me they have no regrets. Whatever issues they have, they worked through them and they were never brought up again or happened. They share chores together and bills are divided.

 

My sister and bro-in-law, they never wanted to live together before they got married. My bro-in-law wanted to but my sis was against it. I'm not making this up but oh boy, do they have problems!

 

I moved in with my last boyfriend after almost a year of long-distance friendship that then turned into 6 more months of long-distance whirlwind romance. We lived together for about 2.5 years before we got married.

 

Oh that sounds like Lyssa! My cousin met someone and they were on LDR for a year or so then he came here to be with her. They moved in together right away. They were very happy and if it weren't for the stupid truck driver, my cousin would have had a happy marriage by now. I asked my cousin's fiance about this and he said he has no regrets moving in together before they got married. He lived with another girlfriend but it was hard for them both and they broke up after 6 months living together.

 

I certainly hope I'm never single and dating again, but if I ever am and I get serious about another person, I will definitely live with them before I get engaged or marry again.

 

2 of my friends said the same thing.

 

Can you tell me what worked for you with your current husband when you were dating one another and what didn't work in the other 2 relationships? If you don't mind. Thanks.

[Leia]

I got the weirdest living together story.

I lived with my girlfriend for two months before we even started dating.

 

Me and my brother lived together and a friend of his (an aquaintance of mine) needed a place to stay and we had an extra room. She moved in and two months later we started seeing each other.

 

It turned out that we were very compatible and got along great. I've been seeing her for about a year and a half now and things are going great.

 

I know going out with your roommate is probably not a good idea, but it work for us.

 

Cute story! Thanks for sharing.

 

Yea it works for some people, I guess.

 

You guys do a lot of things together? How do you go about having some time alone?

[Knittress]

I lived with my ex for about two years (we were considering marriage, but it was mostly a financial decision while we went back to school). I love(d) him deeply, but gradually accepted that we were out of sync in our lives. Sure living together could be annoying sometimes, but being that close to someone and feeling secure in my homelife (at last!) gave me the emotional fulfillment and support I needed to be successful...

 

On the flip side - when he left me it was absolute and utter devastation. My home was destroyed and it felt like my center was ripped away. I'm not sure I'd be willing to put myself in this position again unless I had serious future-plans in place. Building a home with someone is a serious endeavor - you know that biblical parable about building your house on the sand vs. the rock? Yeah, it actually makes sense.

[allina]

I moved in with my now fiance after about 7 months of dating (we have now been together for 3.5 years). There wasn't rally much of a reason for it, we just wanted to move in together.

 

He was the first SO I have ever lived with and I was the first he has lived with. I think it was a great decision that brought us closer together. We have navigated a lot of challenges, changes and victories together which really made us solid.

 

While I don't suggest that people move in with each person they date, I think that living together can build a really strong foundation.

[Stung]

My bro and my sis-in-law lived together prior to tying the knot. Up until now, they told me they have no regrets. Whatever issues they have, they worked through them and they were never brought up again or happened. They share chores together and bills are divided.

 

My sister and bro-in-law, they never wanted to live together before they got married. My bro-in-law wanted to but my sis was against it. I'm not making this up but oh boy, do they have problems!

 

 

 

Oh that sounds like Lyssa! My cousin met someone and they were on LDR for a year or so then he came here to be with her. They moved in together right away. They were very happy and if it weren't for the stupid truck driver, my cousin would have had a happy marriage by now. I asked my cousin's fiance about this and he said he has no regrets moving in together before they got married. He lived with another girlfriend but it was hard for them both and they broke up after 6 months living together.

 

 

 

2 of my friends said the same thing.

 

Can you tell me what worked for you with your current husband when you were dating one another and what didn't work in the other 2 relationships? If you don't mind. Thanks.

 

I did not know you were Lyssa's cousin; I heard about the terrible accident, such a tragedy. My condolences. I remember reading some of her posts and she seemed very bright and kind-natured.

 

As for what worked with my husband that did not work with my exboyfriends, that's honestly hard to break down concisely. I think our temperaments are more complimentary, overall, something indefinable about the dynamics of our personalities. We fight better with each other, if that makes sense. The way you fight is a HUGE part of a relationship! It's due to being a bit older, having both lived with people before, having learned from our mistakes. We bring things out into the open better, are more open to listening to criticism, more committed to doing the hard work and resolving issues. And he's just a better man in some ways--not that my exes were bad guys, they were just not as well-developed, not as open with themselves and with their love. My husband never left me guessing about his motives, never leaves me wondering where I stand with him, I am always confident of his love and respect even when he is angry with me, I find that very refreshing and I never feel vulnerable with him. Plus there were kids involved from the beginning (his daughter he has joint custody of, my goddaughters who lived with me when we first met and still spend summers with us) so we knew we had to take everything very seriously if we were going to move in together.

[Leia]

I did not know you were Lyssa's cousin; I heard about the terrible accident, such a tragedy. My condolences. I remember reading some of her posts and she seemed very bright and kind-natured.

 

Not a lot of people know so it's ok Thank you. She was a very bright and had a big heart

 

As for what worked with my husband that did not work with my exboyfriends, that's honestly hard to break down concisely. I think our temperaments are more complimentary, overall, something indefinable about the dynamics of our personalities. We fight better with each other, if that makes sense. The way you fight is a HUGE part of a relationship! It's due to being a bit older, having both lived with people before, having learned from our mistakes. We bring things out into the open better, are more open to listening to criticism, more committed to doing the hard work and resolving issues. And he's just a better man in some ways--not that my exes were bad guys, they were just not as well-developed, not as open with themselves and with their love. My husband never left me guessing about his motives, never leaves me wondering where I stand with him, I am always confident of his love and respect even when he is angry with me, I find that very refreshing and I never feel vulnerable with him. Plus there were kids involved from the beginning (his daughter he has joint custody of, my goddaughters who lived with me when we first met and still spend summers with us) so we knew we had to take everything very seriously if we were going to move in together.

 

In some ways, my boyfriend is like your husband in that he never left me guessing where I stand with him. He made it clear from the beginning and from the day we got together, we make sure whenever we get into an argument; we talk it over or scream at one another there and then . He makes it a point not to drag it and bring the matter into bed. So far, it has been good.

 

We are in our mid-twenties and we both know what we want. On the other hand, for myself, I'm not too sure how to handle the financial part of it if we decide to move in together.

 

We talked it a couple of times. We are going to split the expenses and share the house-work/chores. No problem there. But I do wonder how you guys handled that? Before getting married, that is.

 

And the question above is for everyone who is living or had lived together with their significant other.

[Leia]

I moved in with my now fiance after about 7 months of dating (we have now been together for 3.5 years). There wasn't rally much of a reason for it, we just wanted to move in together.

 

He was the first SO I have ever lived with and I was the first he has lived with. I think it was a great decision that brought us closer together. We have navigated a lot of challenges, changes and victories together which really made us solid.

 

While I don't suggest that people move in with each person they date, I think that living together can build a really strong foundation.

 

I'm glad it turned out well for you and your SO.

 

Any other tips you can share with? General stuff, of course.

[terra]

LIke.. what things did you discuss BEFORE moving in, or things that you WISHED you discussed. This would be good to know, sometimes people overlook the obvious.

[Scottdmw]

More specifically, the data says that "couples who co-habited prior to marriage are more likely to divorce".

 

I think there's an important distinction between that phrase and the way you worded it.

 

Your statement (not bashing you here) implies living together causes divorce. I think it's important to look at the broader picture. ie.

 

1) If you're the kind of person who's open to co-habiting, you're probably more open to the idea of divorce, so of course the rates are higher.

 

2) If you don't think co-habiting is right; you may be conservative, or religious and thereby more reluctant to divorce - no matter how unhappy you are.

 

In summary: I don't think the stats about co-habiting and divorce are relevant to successful relationships because they miss so much.

 

 

 

 

What you said here is true. However, I think there is a bit more to the big picture.

 

What we know definitely is that there is a correlation between living together and divorce. It could be that living together causes divorce, that it makes it less likely, or that it has no effect. However, the more you argue that living together is good for relationships, that it by itself somehow decreases the chance of divorce, the harder it becomes to explain that correlation. You have to claim that some other factor is much stronger, to create the correlation.

 

To me, this doesn't seem very sensible. Why potentially increase your risk of divorce? Divorce is one of the most miserable things you can go through in your life. Is living together before marriage really so wonderful that you would want to take a chance on increasing your risk of that? It seems like people on this board at least are pretty divided as far as whether they had a negative or positive experience of it. In other words, there is no reason to think that it's some kind of rose garden or wonderful. Going in you really can't say one way or the other.

 

It is impossible to prove causation from any sociological studies that can be practically carried out. We can’t in practice divide people into control and experimental groups, tell some to live together and some not to, etc. So, there is no gold standard scientific proof here. The best evidence we have available, the best evidence we will ever have, is correlation data. Why ignore it?

 

As others have said, it's also pretty clear that living together makes it a lot more difficult to break up. You're more likely to put up with bad behavior and convince yourself that it's okay because you have a strong financial incentive to stay. If you do end up breaking up, it's going to end up probably being more painful and damaging than if you had been able to leave earlier before putting up with all that kind of garbage. Is that really good for you?

 

Scott

[prettybaby]

I moved in with my last boyfriend after almost a year of long-distance friendship that then turned into 6 more months of long-distance whirlwind romance. We lived together for about 2.5 years before we got married.

 

I certainly hope I'm never single and dating again, but if I ever am and I get serious about another person, I will definitely live with them before I get engaged or marry again.

 

^^ Uhm, I have no idea why those were quoted under my name. I never wrote any of this.