lovebugxoxo Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Heres my story: Ive been dating this guy for about 8 months, and he's such a great boyfriend. Hes attentive, and attractive, and sweet, and intelligent, but he's just way to "beta" as you guys call it. He's seriously everything a girl would want in a guy. but between all the cutesy names and sweet texts and darling emails and everything, he just isnt manly. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, just I would be so much more attracted if he acted a little more manly!!!! he's great in bed and doesnt act like a girl and stuff leik that, just I want him to be more "alpha" lol. how do I train him!!!
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 The only way to "Train" someone to be more 'Alpha' is to relegate your own role to one of a 'Beta'. Never take the lead, never suggest anything, never be upfront...in short, be better at being a Beta than he is. if that's what you want to do. It's not about changing other people. You can't do that. You cannot expect to be successful. You have no right to do that. if someone's behaviour isn't to your liking, you cannot make them be something they're not. Some people are natural-born leaders. Others are natural-born followers. You can only change yourself. But are you prepared to compromise your own natural instincts, in order to effect a change? Because that's what you're wanting him to do.
Author lovebugxoxo Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Thanks Tara. Youre right about not training him, and it makes me sound pretty dumb or shallow... so then how can I help myself adapt to him? I do not want to lose him, I just want to encourage him!
Zeegagge Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Hi Lovebug, not trying to be mean, but seriously, why do you want to change your man so much? I mean he is who he is. You go on and on about all of his wonderful qualities and yet now you want to change him. He's spent his whole life becoming the person he is now. If it bothers you too much you need to leave him and let him find someone who loves him for who he is. Otherwise you need to appreciate the guy like he deserves.
TaraMaiden Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Acceptance. "Seek not every quality in one individual". But you have to decide whether years into this, this aspect of his behaviour is going to become so irritating and frustrating, that all else about him, is overshadowed. He is who he is. Does the whole exceed the sum of his parts? Taking all his different attributes together, are all the remaining ones strong enough to counterbalance this aspect? Your expectations of your partner's abilities to cope in certain situations, and to take command and be assertive and firm, should be established now. If this situation might turn into one where you lose respect for him - believe it or not - it could be a deal-breaker. Three things, three components are absolutely vital for a relationship to remain stable: Trust Communication Respect. if one of these falters, breaks or is missing altogether, then it's going to be a huge threat. Relationships take equal Effort and Commitment from both members, to maintain those qualities, and keep them pure. Think carefully... Bemove all the initial rosiness, lovey-dovey, exciting newness from this relationship, and tell me whether you think it can run the distance. Based on what you're saying, and on what you need from him.
BobSacamento Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 You can't change a man. Honestly, if someone asked me to change something so trivial I'd say, "There's the door."
Krytie TV Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Wow. You listed a laundry list of things that make this guy so great yet you take the one perceived "negative" and obsess about it. If the guy was manly and all of the other things you listed but didn't know how to empty the dishwasher would that be a dealbreaker for you? Sounds like you are seeking perfection. Many women would kill for such a "less than manly" great guy. Maybe let one of them have him.
Author lovebugxoxo Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 I'm not obsessing about it, like I said I now realize (now that I look back at my post) that yes, it is silly to want to change a man. I guess what I meant is NOT like "well everything is perfect... BUT..." but rather I meant that it is just a little quirk of his that now I see I should just accept. I think of it like being shy at a party or something like that; not a dealbreaker or anything horrible or negative, but maybe something to work on. Idk, thank you guys for your responses. I dont really know what kind of answer I was looking for, but you helped me see that maybe it isn't an answer in him I need, but really myself. Tara was right... acceptance. I love him the way he is,even if he's not the manliest man I know. And nope I plan to keep him for a long, lovely time :love::love:
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OP, while I wholeheartedly embrace the concept of acceptance, if/when the time comes and he takes the 'manly' action of asking you to marry him, if you have even the smallest doubt in your mind wrt this topic (him 'manning' up/you being attracted more to a 'manly' man), do not accept his kind invitation, for you will likely be setting yourself up for leaving him in the future when those behaviors grind away at you over time and you encounter a 'manly' man in your journey of life. The fact that you took the time to make this post causes me to offer this perspective. It's on your mind. Good luck
Jersey Shortie Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OP, you're so concerned with figuring out a way to get him to be more how you wish that you didn't even consider that maybe he likes himself the way he is. I do not think you are as compatable with him as you wish. Or if you are, you have to figure out what is more important to you, a more Alpha type male, or a man that does the things he does for you.
Scottdmw Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 OP, I wouldn't say it's either impossible or undesirable to “change” someone a bit, especially if you're coming at it from the attitude of wanting to help them improve something. The way I look at it is this. Whenever you have a significant relationship with another person, whether it be a love relationship, family, friendship, working, whatever, you do actually have some ability to change the other person, a bit. That ability goes up in proportion to the amount of time you spend together, and how important you are to them. It's never huge, you can't completely remake a person. Also, you can never force a person to change against their will. But, I think we all change a little bit over time to adapt to the people we spend time with. That said, the way to go about this is positive reinforcement. Out of the time you spend with your man, there are probably times when he acts a little more “alpha” then other times. Maybe you are together at a sporting event and he gets competitive or something. Maybe once in a while he grabs you and gives you a forceful kiss or something. What you could do is try to give him positive reinforcement when he acts more the way you want. Tell him you thought it was really sexy when he did ______. Or say nothing but give him a hot look and a kiss, or whatever. The idea is you want to indicate to him in a non direct way that that is what you want more of. One could actually just call this good communication. You are not forcing him to do anything, just demonstrating in a clear way what you'd like. Best of luck, Scott
AD1980 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 The guys a great guy by all acounts and you're worried about some stupid label? Geez women are hard to please.. What exactly do u mean you want him to be more alpha anyway? What does or doesnt he do that you want him to do or that bothers you?
AD1980 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I can see if hes beign a doormat but if the problem is becasue u want him to make every decison becasue its easier on you thats a ltitle much Women say they dont want a guy whos looking for Mommy well men dont want a girl whos looking for Daddy a guy whos gonna make every decison for them tell them what to eat where to go everyday.. Thats tiring
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