someotherguy Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I've been dating this girl for roughly 7 months, and I find myself in need of advice, and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends about this, because if I stay with this girl I don't want my friends to know this kind of stuff. First, she told me she was bipolar, but it appears she may actually be schizaffective, which is related to bipolar but with paranoia and other psychotic symptoms on occasion. She has some pretty serious social anxiety stuff going on, and basically doesn't enjoy hanging out in groups, and makes excuses to leave or not go entirely. Hell, she went home early from my birthday party a couple months ago. She zones out sometimes and kind of goes blank and doesn't respond to stimulus, I've walked away and gotten a glass of water before when she did this and she acted like she didn't even notice. Weird. She hasn't done this too noticeably in public or with my friends, but I feel ashamed to admit I would be horribly embarrassed if she did and someone noticed it. She has a really hard time getting to sleep, and sometimes cancels plans with me to stay home and nap or catch up on sleep. She has started doing this really strange thing where it seems like she's making up memories and telling me stories about them. I think they're fake because they seem to be related to scenes from books we've been reading over the past few months. For example, she told me a story about a relative abusing her as a child, but the memory was hazy she said, but in a book we recently read one of the characters had the exact same thing happen to them. Other than what appears to be some emotional issues, and what seems to be some form of compulsive lying, she treats me really, really well. Seriously, if not for the weird zoning out thing, she is perfect. Very sweet, nice, respectful, willing to go way above and beyond to make me happy and support our relationship. Honestly, part of me wants to break it off before I get too deep. As it stands, I'm worried that a breakup would result in suicide or a trip to the mental ward. I guess I worry about whether this relationship could ever even progress to the next level with her needing so much alone time and whatnot. If I see her three nights a week, I'm lucky. She does make me happy, but I don't really want to spend my life being someone's therapist. So, if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.
Yamaha Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm
D-Lish Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Some of the examples you have noticed may be indicative of disassociative disorder. It's too hard to tell- but she exhibits some of the signs. You know, they have made major advancements with medications- and people can go on to live healthy, normal lives when diagnosed and treated effectively. Disorders like anxiety and depression can be controlled- but some of the more complex disorders get worse with time. I think it's great you are being understanding. When it comes to a chemical imbalance, it really isn't her fault at all- it just is what it is. I am concerned about the long term toll on you. It wouldn't be easy to manage- but you can't ever approach it as something you want to keep secret. It's going to come out at some point - and if you get serious with this girl, you will never be able to hide what she is going through. You're young right? I don't know if it's something I'd advise taking on. BUT- I feel so bad for her and what she is going through. I'd do some research on her disorder- figure out if this is something you can handle. As bad as I feel for her, I feel equally as bad for you- tackling such a mountain will be difficult.
Author someotherguy Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 I'm 35, so young at heart i guess. Part of what is nagging at me is that I have two children and I'm starting to worry about how this may affect them if she has a 'bad day'. I'm really trying hard not to become a guy with a 'savior complex'.
D-Lish Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I'm 35, so young at heart i guess. Part of what is nagging at me is that I have two children and I'm starting to worry about how this may affect them if she has a 'bad day'. I'm really trying hard not to become a guy with a 'savior complex'. Okay, you're not a youngin' How young is she? Does she have an outlet besides you? Yes buttercup, if you date her, your kids will have to be made aware- and they will inevitably bear witness at some point. You can have compassion without having a saviour complex, you know? I'd be worried because kids are involved:(
boogieboy Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I would advise breaking it off with her if you have kids. No need to expose them to her afflictions when you dont have to.
Author someotherguy Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Excellent questions. She's 32, and her support system has degraded a bit since she started dating me, depending more and more on me and letting her friends drift away a bit, regardless of my insistence that she maintain her friendships. It might not be so bad otherwise, but I have very nearly full custody of the kids, so they're home damn near every day, and my teenager has already made a couple comments to me after she went glassy eyed during dinner one night. I think some of the times she has cancelled plans with me were because she was having rough days and wasn't feeling right, and didn't want me to see her like that, but if so, then how the heck could we ever move past just dating? Right now I was just enjoying spending time with an intelligent, creative woman, but I don't want to waste years trying to build something that will never mature.
D-Lish Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well, you very well could spend years trying to "fix" her. You already have kids, you don't need another one- right?
pandagirl Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 This is a tough one. Is she diligent about taking care of herself? Does she know how to take care of herself when her disease starts to take over? This isn't the best analogy, but it's like dating a recovering alcoholic or drug addict. There are risks involved, but if they have their disease under control, then maybe it can work out. Personally, I'd be cautious, but I also wouldn't give up on someone who otherwise was great.
meerkat stew Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 You are getting some great advice. So tough because if she has some of the other cluster disorders comorbid, which is likely, she will present more as she becomes closer to you. Does she show any abandonment issues or infantile behavior? Personally couldn't do it for that reason, the risk of comorbidity with some of the nastier disorders, but do believe that the symptoms you describe are some of the more treatable ones. I am the -last- person to counsel someone to seek out a therapist's opinion, but in your case, that may be a good option as opposed to asking folks here (I am certainly not qualified to help other than knowing what a hell it is to date BPD/HPDs) or puzzling out the issues on your own.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 BPD can have psychotic features as well. Does she have a consistent psych provider? Is she on medications? BPD can be difficult to control, especially with erratic med management. A life long commitment to a mental disorder as serious as BPD I or II is taxing over time. Ask her about her meds though before you make any decisions. Maybe she just needs a dose change, or maybe she hasn't been consistent with taking her meds. It might just take getting her on something new or getting her to regularly take her prescriptions.
Author someotherguy Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Part of the problem is that she displays these symptoms even though she is already on meds, attends therapy, etc. I don't know that these are going to change for the better. She's supposed to be getting her meds reviewed in a few weeks, so I think I'll wait to make any drastic decisions until we see how that affects her.
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