Jake32 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I am 33 years old , and considering leaving my wife. We have no children together, and we both love eachother. I am very attracted to her,and want her really badly sexually. Unfortunately she grew up in a family that showed no affection, and she has tapered the sex down to nil in our marraige. When we do have sex she gives it up to me begrudgingly, and although she cums she will not touch my penis or do any other position but missionary. She thinks I am weird when I want to explore her body. I cant help it I am in love with her! Worse off recently I have had an increasing sex drive. I am willing to leave if staying in this marraige means I will never have a woman reciprocate my affections, and I can honestly say I cannot remember her ever initiating sex with me. I am starting to dream at night about love making with someone that can equal my desire. Should I leave?
jesslindy Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 No you shouldn't leave, you should talk to her. But with that being said, If you have talked, and talked, and talked, and talked some more, than well maybe you should let her know that this is bothering you to the point of thinking about alternatives. Sex is a very drastically important thing to men, and I can tell you I will never waste another minute of my life on a "cold fish", if you will. Since your op doesn't say much, you should let us know what steps you have taken to try and resolve this with her. You should also take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself honestly if you have shown all the "Love" you should be showing, to receive the "Respect" you should be getting in the form of sexual reciprocation from your wife. Let us know.
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Your seeking external validation to a question that only you can answer? Because ultimately your the one that have to live with the consequences. Would your wife whom you love and with whom your in love with ~ would she leave you if you were to have a permanent ED problem. And who's to say that the next one get won't turn out the same or worse? And what if with the next the sex was out of this world ~ but everything else suck? Better the devil you know than the one you don't know. One a side note, she should have a complete medical workup. Follow that up with IC and MC. Perhaps if one is in your area a certified sex therapist. Odds are that even you did leave? Your going to run into this same promblem with some other woman ~ especially once children enter the picture. If sex is the only problem, given my past life erxperiences, my knowledge of other couples relatinship over the long haul? If I had a good woman, who loved me and who I loved? If this was the only problm I couild learn to deal with it. 1/3 of all couiples that have been together 10 years or more, average sex about ten times a year.
Author Jake32 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Thank You for the Reply. I have talked to her on many occassions. I have not had a fulfilling sex life in years. I just want a her to want me. Recently that has changed I just want a woman to want me. I have forgotten what that is like. When I do talk to her she says that I do not take care of her emotional needs so she doesnt have sex with me. Well I dont beleive that sex in a loving relationship should be used as a bargaining tool. I am an attractve hardworking husband that is home everynight and tells her I love her. I am always there for her. I think I want out.
PWSX3 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I have similar problems with my G/F. She grew up in a family that didn't say; I love you, & in her marriage there wasn't much romance except in the bedroom. She has had more touch/sex with me then she did in a LONG time in her marriage. There are just things you have to decide; is the person worth it to me without sex???? Someone suggested to me that maybe I'm looking at sex to fulfill something else that I'm missing in my life. Work on the emotional part & then maybe she will be more whiling to have sex with you.
mimidarlin Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Jake, For many women sex and emotions are tied together. I know that I withdrew from my husband. I wanted sex but had no desire to initiate it. This issue can make or break your relationship eventually. If she grew up in a home that didn't express their emotions then she didn't really learn to express them either. I highly recommend MC for the two of you. Communicating clearly and being honest can open up the road to being emotionally connected again. This may lead to more sexual encounters.
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 When I do talk to her she says that I do not take care of her emotional needs so she doesn't have sex with me. You've just hit the nail on the head. I like vanilla ice cream, but when I go fishing I don't take vanilla ice cream. I take worms which is what fish like. Part of the problem here is that you approaching this thinking from a man's perspective without taking in a woman's perspective. (I know never crossed your mind as a man in a million years) Most any and all women cannot have sex with a man unless they have an emotional connection which is constantly and perpetually re-enforced. This is why when you were dating? You heard the following more times than not: "I want to take it slow." "I want the time to be right" "I'm not 'there' yet ~ I'm just not ready. Which means that you as a man had yet to established a good solid emotional connection. Women are emotional beings more so than men. That doesn't mean they cannot be logical, rational, etc. It means in most any and all things that they say and do they first get their emotional mind wrapped around it. Including sex. Women's brained are hard wired differently than men. Thus think differently, see and approach the world differently than men. What I'm about to divulge to you I learned over the course of the years through reading books, magazines, and other various sources. I applied it from beginning to end of my last relationship. (We broke up because of geographical reasons ~ she lived in NC and I wanted to come back home to AL) One day about four years into our six and half year relationship, I started getting frisky with the then GF. She pushed me away and told me, "Oh No! Its doesn't come that easy you have to work for it!" Which means I had skipped some of the steps and had failed to meet her emotional needs and to re-establish the emotional connection, (you have to do this in someway everyday.) The first part of the equation is figuring out what her emotional needs are? She's not going to tell you. EVER! (One of those "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you) With that said you need to read a book called "The Five Languages of Love" and figure out what her "Love Language" is? (Which obviously isn't touch Whe! one down four to go! One of the ways you can determine this is to really listen to what she says and how she says it. Someone whose language is touch, will say things such as "I feel, that touched me, I was moved by that" Someone who is visual will say such things as "I see, I can't see that, etc You get the general idea. Then read a paperback book titled "Light Her Fire" (Less than $7) Then read, "Romance 101" "1001 Ways To Romantic" "1001 More Ways To Be Romantic" I got a lot of mileage out of "Light Her Fire" Although she may be achieving climax its possible that your not performing the deed correctly for her maximum enjoyment from a woman's perspective, (How would know? Your not a woman are you?) Read, (and its a very thin quick read) "How To Satisfy A Woman Everytime and have her beg for more." Its a book written by a woman about sex from a woman's perspective. I've gotten a lot of mileage out of this one!!! Once I started apply "the method" the author recommended? I've had nothing but outstanding results! Another one you might want to consider? "Absolute Pleasure" again written by a woman author who is certified sex therapist who travels the country given seminars to men about sex. Well I dont beleive that sex in a loving relationship should be used as a bargaining tool. I'd check that attitude if I were you? Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be happy?
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Jake, For many women sex and emotions are tied together. I know that I withdrew from my husband. I wanted sex but had no desire to initiate it. This issue can make or break your relationship eventually. If she grew up in a home that didn't express their emotions then she didn't really learn to express them either. I highly recommend MC for the two of you. Communicating clearly and being honest can open up the road to being emotionally connected again. This may lead to more sexual encounters. Communication with women is crucial. Women use 4 to 6 thousand words a day compared to a man's 3 to 6 thousand. Then you need to understand "womanize" and how women communicate differently than men. (They use in-direct language for the most part) Three really good books on the subject of cross-gender communication are: "GenderSpeak" "You Just Don't Understand!" "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Men Need Another Pair of Shoes" Some examples: She says: Can you take the kids with you? Translation: The kids are going with you. I don't want to hear your excuses or your whinning. These kids have been driving me in sane all day and if you don't get them out of here, I may have to start eating my young beginning with the plumpest and most immature one! And that would be you! She says: You're not going to wear that are you? Translation" I am completly mortified every time you put that on. You are not wearing that. The 80's are over. Save your breath and just go change. She says: We're having a gragage sale this Saturday Translation: We're having a garage sale this Saturday and everything that was ever near and dear to you will now be sitting at the end of the driveway bearing a price tag of one nickle. She says: We need to talk Translation: Unpack. You are so not going hunting this weeked. She says: Lets watch the football game together. Translation: Record the game as your not going to single minute of it. From the moment the center snaps the ball at the beginning of the game we are going to discuess everything that I've wanted to discuss with you for the last ten years!
You Go Girl Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Ok. From a woman, here. Guys repeatedly don't get THIS: If you act like sex is so damn important to you that you will give them up--the woman decides that you are a selfish beast only interested in your carnal desires and at that point you are no longer attractive at all sexually. The last thing they want to do is reinforce your give me sex, give me, give me, give me. Because then women think that you are all about getting IT. That that sums you up as a person--and thereby you become unworthy of the very attention you seek. That that is your ultimate goal--and it's the only goal that really matters to you--and everything else is just a means to that end. That your top priority in life is that other head's pleasure. Well, if that's so for you--you're going to find yourself frustrated until the end of time, seeking out sex and losing respect for women all around. The LAST THING a woman wants is one of those men, and you know they are out there. Now sexuality is very different from affection. She might have not had much affection at home as a kid--but remember--hopefully she didn't have any sex at home as a kid. So comparing these is not logical. It is clear however--that she is very sexually conservative--to a fault. She does need to expand her comfort zone with sexual touching beyond the very limited that she now will do. Getting to that point though--is a distant point on the horizon---first you have to address what she claims--that you don't take care of her emotional needs. What that usually boils down to with a woman is that she thinks you DON'T RESPECT HER FIRST, AS A PERSON, BEFORE HER SEXUALITY. It's not as simply emotional as guys make it out to be. It's about respect. And if a woman doesn't feel respected by a man--the last thing she wants to do is feel used by that same man as a sexual object. If a woman suspects that the thing you desire her in your life for is first and foremost and boils down always to that one thing--having sex with them--they are going to reject you. Please re-read that as many times as necessary! Now it seems you are trying to be very patient on the sexual part of your relationship. But you've got to convince her that you value her as a person first, before her sexuality. That you respect her. Now that's what it all boils down to for a woman--that's what that EMOTIONAL thing is! We're not as different as you may think. Respect rules all around, no matter which gender you are. Gunny said some very funny--stuff that's not all true, lol..but entertaining. However on the serious things he said, very well said.
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Agreed! R E S P E C T! I had a friend of mine that came to the Staff NCO club one Saturday afternoon in Okinawa. I was sitting there watching "tha'" game on tv throwing back a couple of cool ones. He came in and looked like he just lost his best friend, family and dog. "What's up Brau?" He told me he was out in the 'Ville' and HB10 Japanese pulled up in a Ladybird (What the Japanese refer to as a ZX3000) and motioned for him to get in. Hesitant? He finally did. She took him back to her place, and practically raped him. Afterwards, she got up and monitioned for him to get up. She reached down and gathered his shoes and clothes and thrust them into his chest and told him, "YOU GO! I CALL JP! (Japanese Police)" He told me he never felt so dejected, rejected, used and abused in his whole entire life! And that he would never ever treat a woman like that again. No woman wants to feel like some man's own personal sperm depository or a VLSS ~ Vaginal Life Support System. Take care of those emotional needs, make her feel like a human being, wanted, needed, loved .
You Go Girl Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Ha! Tables turned story--woman as predator--interesting stuff Gunny. A little secret about women--that is--any woman that has half a brain on her shoulders and a little self-respect-- If you love her but don't respect her, your love ain't worth shyte. If you love her but don't respect her FIRST before your love, then all your actions are considered selfish in nature--a RUSE--basic deception--to get what YOU want. If you love her but don't respect her--you value yourself above her--you don't think her your equal. Smart self-respecting women have a special radar just to weed these types out. Sometimes--quite often actually--we get so caught up in the love part of the equation that we become confused--smart women included--how can he love me so much but seem to not respect me? Maybe I'm not understanding him correctly? When in fact we're spot on--the love is only selfish in nature, and we've fallen into the love trap, disregarding the smart little voice in our head telling us that something is out of wack. Men fall into the same trap. They additionally are more vulnerable sexually--as a group--not necessarily case by case--where the love drug running in their veins causes them to lose ability to weed out the toxic types--at least it appears this way from a woman's view, that men are too easily swayed by success in this one area that they will forgo smart thinking in other areas. But we too can become so overrun by sexual hormones that we make unwise choices--happens all the time to us too. Respect is never only selfish in nature. Respect isn't earned as a human being--it is only lost--it should be a given, then taken away when no longer deserved. There is no payoff for respect. It's not something you barter, because then it prostituted. It is a right as a person to receive it. Those who don't think this way are barbarians, imho.
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 True so very true! If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him. I've worked long and hard to identify my own personal weaknesses and shortcomings to overcome them.
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I am an attractive hardworking husband that is home every night and tells her I love her. I am always there for her. Describe what 'I am always there for her' means to you.... What happens when you come home from a hard day at work? What do you and she do to reconnect with each other as a married couple?
Gunny376 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Describe what 'I am always there for her' means to you.... What happens when you come home from a hard day at work? What do you and she do to reconnect with each other as a married couple? Good question Carhill.
carhill Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Well, for me and my stbx, my way of reconnecting was making her dinner, as she worked later than I did, and inquiring about her day, whether it be work or other topics. This evidently was not well-regarded by her, and came up in MC. It's an example of how perception is important. The OP may think he's acting in a caring and loving manner, but it might not be received that way. If that conflicts with his sense of what care and love mean, as it did for myself, it becomes an element of incompatibility. The unasked question is, what is his wife doing to reconnect with him or show him how she loves and cares for him? To me, childhood is not an excuse (for anything). Our childhoods do not rule us as autonomous adults. They are a part of our life path.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Ok. From a woman, here. Guys repeatedly don't get THIS: If you act like sex is so damn important to you that you will give them up--the woman decides that you are a selfish beast only interested in your carnal desires and at that point you are no longer attractive at all sexually. The last thing they want to do is reinforce your give me sex, give me, give me, give me. Because then women think that you are all about getting IT. That that sums you up as a person--and thereby you become unworthy of the very attention you seek. That that is your ultimate goal--and it's the only goal that really matters to you--and everything else is just a means to that end. That your top priority in life is that other head's pleasure. Well, if that's so for you--you're going to find yourself frustrated until the end of time, seeking out sex and losing respect for women all around. The LAST THING a woman wants is one of those men, and you know they are out there. Now sexuality is very different from affection. She might have not had much affection at home as a kid--but remember--hopefully she didn't have any sex at home as a kid. So comparing these is not logical. It is clear however--that she is very sexually conservative--to a fault. She does need to expand her comfort zone with sexual touching beyond the very limited that she now will do. Getting to that point though--is a distant point on the horizon---first you have to address what she claims--that you don't take care of her emotional needs. What that usually boils down to with a woman is that she thinks you DON'T RESPECT HER FIRST, AS A PERSON, BEFORE HER SEXUALITY. It's not as simply emotional as guys make it out to be. It's about respect. And if a woman doesn't feel respected by a man--the last thing she wants to do is feel used by that same man as a sexual object. If a woman suspects that the thing you desire her in your life for is first and foremost and boils down always to that one thing--having sex with them--they are going to reject you. Please re-read that as many times as necessary! Now it seems you are trying to be very patient on the sexual part of your relationship. But you've got to convince her that you value her as a person first, before her sexuality. That you respect her. Now that's what it all boils down to for a woman--that's what that EMOTIONAL thing is! We're not as different as you may think. Respect rules all around, no matter which gender you are. Gunny said some very funny--stuff that's not all true, lol..but entertaining. However on the serious things he said, very well said. This makes so much sense to me! Like it should be part of the guide entitled "Marriage for dummies." There is so much information for the men complaining about the lack of sex in the above post... If I can add also that the respect MUST be totally 100% sincere. That is, it is not given with the hope of sex to be reciprocated. Be totally content to give and give and give until you almost feel like you cannot give anymore! Then you have to dig deeper into your well of respect and patience and give more... if the basis of the love is still there, she'll come around eventually. The intimacy may not even manifest itself in the form of sexual intimacy.
You Go Girl Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Thanks--She's not in love with me-- quite the compliment. But the ultimate compliment is that you actually read it and understood it--it went beyond your eyes and into your brain-- because when I typed it I was concerned that some men would pass it over with their eyes without the comprehension-- and it would be the equivalent of talking to a brick wall. Yes, respect can't be traded for sex. Women will sniff that one out too as another RUSE. Respect can't be bartered at all...it can't be prostituted.
LisaUk Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Thank You for the Reply. I have talked to her on many occassions. I have not had a fulfilling sex life in years. I just want a her to want me. Recently that has changed I just want a woman to want me. I have forgotten what that is like. When I do talk to her she says that I do not take care of her emotional needs so she doesnt have sex with me. Well I dont beleive that sex in a loving relationship should be used as a bargaining tool. I am an attractve hardworking husband that is home everynight and tells her I love her. I am always there for her. I think I want out. Whoa there! If your wife is anything like me and my female friends (we talk) then this is not about bargining for things/sex. Many women NEED to feel loved and appreciated, respected to feel comfortable having sex. You say you are at home every night and you are there for her? Yes, physically you are there. What about emotionally? See, even if you think you are there for her emotionally, she has told you that you aren't! That is what she meant when she said she won't have sex with you. She does not feel emotionally connected to you, therefore she does not feel COMFORTABLE enough with you to have sex. Sorry to put it so bluntly. She has no desire. In addition, if you are seriously thinking of leaving her b/c she won't have sex with you, then what You go girl, has said is spot on, she thinks you value sex above all else and by thinking of leaving you are confirming this attitude, no wonder she does not want to intimate with you if she is sensing this attitute from you. That's not to belittle how imprtant sex is in a marriage, but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake. WIthout the cake (the substance) how can you expect to ice it? Do you see?
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