to contact or not to contact?

[teanoranges]

Its been 3.5 months NC, and while I will say I am over the pain of the relationship.. of course there will always be a sting... I'm contemplating whether or not to contact him on a strictly friendly level.

 

I want to know that I can be okay as friends and not get happy and excited for his call, etc... Its messed up in a way because I guess I sort of want to test myself as well?

 

I do want to be friends with him and I'm aware that it does come with a lot of risk like hearing how wonderful his life is or hearing about his new gf... but I guess I could really only hope that I would only be happy for him.

 

Then I also get to thinking he probably doesn't even care to be friends either.. seriously, how many of the people you dumped do you want to be friends with after a stint of not talking?

What would I say anyways?

 

I know he won't contact me because I told him I need time to heal and he respects that.. so its my choice and control to start a 'friendship'

 

Basically, I guess I need some advice..

should I? shouldn't I? why or why not?

What would I say that wouldn't come off as pathetic or bring up this whole drama again... you know, act like we were never together in the first place and just be friends?

 

I feel ready but I also feel unsure and not positive where the uncertainty comes from.

[WTRanger]

Sitting around asking all sorts of hypothetical questions isn't going to get you any closer to your answer. If you want to try to contact him, do it. Then, change your perspective as needed. If he responds fine. If he doesn't fine. Move on either way.

 

Oh, I'm sure you'll get the standard LS "don't break NC!" posts, but this isn't their life. This is your life, your situation and you know it and yourself best.

 

If you and you alone feel you are ready, then the only way to find things out is to open the box. If you reset yourself and go back to day #1, then well, at least you learned something.

[Perhaps]

should I? shouldn't I? why or why not?

No, because you're uncertain about it. Why bother digging that up again. Leave it for now, I say.

 

What would I say that wouldn't come off as pathetic or bring up this whole drama again... you know, act like we were never together in the first place and just be friends?

You won't have to deal with it if you choose not to contact him at this point.

[USMCHokie]

I want to know that I can be okay as friends and not get happy and excited for his call, etc... Its messed up in a way because I guess I sort of want to test myself as well?

 

 

If you still have to ask yourself this, then I'm not sure if you're ready to take that leap...it seems this is the sole purpose of you contacting him and isn't really a sincere reason...I don't see any other benefit to contacting him just to be friends...that pink elephant will ALWAYS be in that room, no matter what you think or say now...

[The Paper Knight]

Basically, I guess I need some advice..

should I? shouldn't I? why or why not?

What would I say that wouldn't come off as pathetic or bring up this whole drama again... you know, act like we were never together in the first place and just be friends?

 

I feel ready but I also feel unsure and not positive where the uncertainty comes from.

 

Don't do it.

 

He is no longer the same person you use to know. You want to do it as a right of passage, to see if you can face your fears, that you have moved on. What you are really doing is opening an old door to see if the sun still shines, because the memory of that warmth is comforting. If you do break NC and open that door, all you will see is a cold wasteland that will give you a chill.

[leoine]

OMG - I am (almost) in the same position.

But, in my case, I don't think I will break NC until he actually asks me how i'm doing because, he was the one that wanted to be friends. And if that doesn't happen - ie. not really sincere in wanting to actually be friends - then I see it as 'why should I bother'. I guess, in part, the reason is my pride.

 

I think it will only be safe to contact and extend a friendship hand when you won't be "reading" into his reply anything deeper that what it actually says.

[teanoranges]

Thanks all so much.

 

WTRanger, thank you so much for your response. I tend to 'rebel' against majority and if you hadn't said that it was my life and my choice, I probably would have just gone and done it... probably not, but it is very refreshing to hear the same kind of honesty my brain was telling me.

 

The rest of you wonderful people are also so right though. And I know it. If I'm unsure, of course I shouldn't.

My life is going real well and I'm breaking out of the 'shell' his presence put me in. I get upset because I wish I never allowed him to make me feel shy or less around him. I guess I wanted a chance to show him that this is me and he hasn't done anything to me.

 

But like you said, I have to wait until I am past those feelings, which might not be ever... and I can't ruin what I have going on a risk like that.

 

Thank you all so much, I keep feeling that thought and it helps alot to write it down... then I see what doesn't make sense instead of trying to connect the words in my head together.

 

Nc shall remain in effect until at least June. haha... then I will reevaluate if need be.. until then I won't worry about it.

[sedgwick]

You don't need your ex as a friend. You probably have friends already, and if you don't, you can find better ones than someone who hurt you.

[Ilovecake]

Then I also get to thinking he probably doesn't even care to be friends either.. seriously, how many of the people you dumped do you want to be friends with after a stint of not talking?

 

Zero and the more they want to be my friend the more it drives me away from them. I dumped them because I no longer wanted them in my life, no matter what the reason. When they try to remain in my life it creeps me out. I'm pretty sure most dumpers feel the same way.