pandagirl Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I'm having one of those days, where I feel disconnected from my boyfriend who is hundreds of miles away. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know people say to email, talk on the phone, send each other care packages, skype, etc. but the thing is: he's not that great of a communicator and I'm not the best at it either. He's an architect, and let's just say, he's great at making diagrams and pictures, but verbally, he sucks! But that's not to say he's not there for me. He always tells me to tell him if something is bothering me, and whenever I have been open and honest with him, he's been there for me, listened and comforted me. But that was in person. In person, he could look at me a certain way, or hold me or kiss me. However, now that all we have is the phone (neither of us are phone people) and words (he hates writing), I'm feeling disconnected. We're only on week three of being apart, and I know he's in this relationship and wants to make it work, I don't know how to feel emotionally fulfilled and close to him under these circumstances. I told him I was feeling upset this morning and he said we would talk tonight and he'd help me talk it out. I just don't know how to verbalize things as I'm as bad with verbalizing my emotions as he is. I guess this is something I'm going to have to work on. Any advice?
northstar1 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I'm having one of those days, where I feel disconnected from my boyfriend who is hundreds of miles away. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know people say to email, talk on the phone, send each other care packages, skype, etc. but the thing is: he's not that great of a communicator and I'm not the best at it either. He's an architect, and let's just say, he's great at making diagrams and pictures, but verbally, he sucks! But that's not to say he's not there for me. He always tells me to tell him if something is bothering me, and whenever I have been open and honest with him, he's been there for me, listened and comforted me. But that was in person. In person, he could look at me a certain way, or hold me or kiss me. However, now that all we have is the phone (neither of us are phone people) and words (he hates writing), I'm feeling disconnected. We're only on week three of being apart, and I know he's in this relationship and wants to make it work, I don't know how to feel emotionally fulfilled and close to him under these circumstances. I told him I was feeling upset this morning and he said we would talk tonight and he'd help me talk it out. I just don't know how to verbalize things as I'm as bad with verbalizing my emotions as he is. I guess this is something I'm going to have to work on. Any advice? Panda I'm not sure of the details of your LDR, ie. how long you are apart, how often you plan to meet up. This is a fairly new relationship? LDR's are hard, but to make it work, there has to be communication and understanding what both partners needs are to stay happy and emotionally connected. If you don't have communication that both are happy with, then feelings of insecurity/abandonment etc will creep in. I would talk to him tonight and just be honest on what you are feeling - don't hold back your feelings - it will only cause a misunderstanding (ie. he will think everything is okay). Tell him what your expectations are, and ask what his are. See if you are indeed on the same page. Just be open and honest and see how it goes. LDR's are not for everyone, but with effort they can work for some.
Author pandagirl Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Panda I'm not sure of the details of your LDR, ie. how long you are apart, how often you plan to meet up. This is a fairly new relationship? LDR's are hard, but to make it work, there has to be communication and understanding what both partners needs are to stay happy and emotionally connected. If you don't have communication that both are happy with, then feelings of insecurity/abandonment etc will creep in. I would talk to him tonight and just be honest on what you are feeling - don't hold back your feelings - it will only cause a misunderstanding (ie. he will think everything is okay). Tell him what your expectations are, and ask what his are. See if you are indeed on the same page. Just be open and honest and see how it goes. LDR's are not for everyone, but with effort they can work for some. Before he left, we'd only been dating two months. He says he in love with me, and while I emotionally don't move that fast, I do know this is something good and I want to make it work. We plan on seeing each other once a month. I should be seeing him in the next 1-2 weeks, and after that I will go visit him. The thing is, he doesn't need as much as I do. By default, he's just a much more trusting and secure person than I am. I don't even know what I *need* from him. Just some sort of reassurance, but I don't know if this is something I need to develop on my own, because I don't want to become a person who needs constant reassurance to feel "secure." I know that security come from trusting someone, and this in itself, is something I generally have a difficult time coping with. He tells me he misses me and loves me often. I just don't know how to create the intimacy I need while apart or even what that entails.
Yamaha Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Phone sex. My gf is LDR and we talk alot ( usually 5/6 days out of the week ). If a LDR is to work you both need to talk to each other to keep connected and trusting. Tell each other how you are feeling and I wasn't kidding about the phone sex....
Author pandagirl Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Phone sex. My gf is LDR and we talk alot ( usually 5/6 days out of the week ). If a LDR is to work you both need to talk to each other to keep connected and trusting. Tell each other how you are feeling and I wasn't kidding about the phone sex.... Well, I just got off the phone with him. He was cute and affectionate. In regards to our conversation this morning when I told him I was upset, he said: "I don't want you to worry. You need to tell me when you're upset, and not keep it inside and be all stoic." Oh, he knows me well. It's baby steps for me. I'm slowly opening up, and I'm seeing he is very supportive and makes me feel more comfortable to tell him more. Oh, and phone sex! Maybe we will get there. Tonight he told me he wanted me in his bed.... hehe.
terra Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Hey Panda, I've been in an LDR for the past 5 months and with my boyfriend (who's an engineer - also good at pictures and diagrams but not so much words)- sounds very similar to your boyfriend... not the greatest at verbal communication. Before he left he used to make me feel better by holding me, or buying me ice cream because he knew it would make me smile ... it was his actions not words that would make me feel close to him. Anyways, the first part of the LDR wasn't good. I felt really disconnected and finally I told him that I needed to hear him say nice things to me and that I needed to be reassured every so often. He got way better, he has even written me a bunch of really mushy letter - I didn't think he was capable. I would be honest and tell your boyfriend and express your needs to him. It made a huge difference to me. It took time to develop but got a lot better. If all you have are words they need to count. Good luck, I'm glad you got to have a nice phone date.
Author pandagirl Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Hey Panda, I've been in an LDR for the past 5 months and with my boyfriend (who's an engineer - also good at pictures and diagrams but not so much words)- sounds very similar to your boyfriend... not the greatest at verbal communication. Before he left he used to make me feel better by holding me, or buying me ice cream because he knew it would make me smile ... it was his actions not words that would make me feel close to him. Anyways, the first part of the LDR wasn't good. I felt really disconnected and finally I told him that I needed to hear him say nice things to me and that I needed to be reassured every so often. He got way better, he has even written me a bunch of really mushy letter - I didn't think he was capable. I would be honest and tell your boyfriend and express your needs to him. It made a huge difference to me. It took time to develop but got a lot better. If all you have are words they need to count. Good luck, I'm glad you got to have a nice phone date. Thanks Terra. Wow, your engineer boyfriend wrote you mushy love letters! that's pretty awesome. I don't know if my architect has it in him...but we'll see! haha.
Author pandagirl Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 So, I talked to my boyfriend the other night about feeling like I need more communication... And it worked! For the last few days, he's been texting me sweet good morning wake ups, and the frequency and quality of our phone conversations has picked up. Getting the hang of this LDR thing.
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