Contact from ex after a year and a half

[intothelight84]

Hi,

 

My ex and I broke up two years ago. It was due to long distance. However, after the break up we still continued to talk. Bad idea. She said she fell out of love with me after several months.

 

A year and a half ago, we had a major blow out on the phone. She was downright nasty and it crushed me for a long time. It was the worst of all possible situations. I was avoiding her contact, but I still had feelings for her. She called when I was INCREDIBLY drunk and I stupidly answered and even worse confessed my feelings for her. She got angry and rubbed it in my face how many people she had since slept with and laughed about it.

 

In January, my ex sent me a text. She said it was her and that she's not sure if this is still my number, but she feels like enough time has past, and ask if we could be friends. I deleted the text.

 

The next night she calls me. I don't answer, and she doesn't leave a message.

 

Two weeks later, I decided to text her to see what she wanted to talk about. She said nothing in particular, just wanted to see how I am. I tell her I'm doing well (and I am). She says she can't complain.

 

The next week she calls me. We talk for about 10 minutes.

 

She asks about my life, and I respond briefly and to the point. I ask her the same questions in return. But like I said, my answers are short, so the call only lasts 10 minutes.

 

She tells me she is doing "ok", in a voice that didn't sound too great. She also tells though she's been dating, she hasn't had a boyfriend since me. She now lives in a city not too far from me and says its too hard to have a commitment while living there. At the end of the call, she says that if I'm ever in her city, I should call her and we can have dinner. I say, yeah, sure....

 

Some people who know my history with her (very well) tell me that she is trying to get me back. I'm not really sure about this.

 

I talked to my therapist and he says that she is testing the waters with me, to see if something is possible.

 

It just all seems strange, because after our blow out fight, she basically sent me a message and told me that things were done between us (in every sense of the word). But now she wants to be friends? And she was actually pretty nice to me on the phone.

 

I liked to know what you think about this. I'm afraid of getting sucked back in.

Edited February 23, 2010 by intothelight84

[Ilovecake]

 

Some people who know my history with her (very well) tell me that she is trying to get me back. I'm not really sure about this.

 

I talked to my therapist and he says that she is testing the waters with me, to see if something is possible.

 

It just all seems strange, because after our blow out fight, she basically sent me a message and told me that things were done between us (in every sense of the word). But now she wants to be friends? And she was actually pretty nice to me on the phone.

 

I liked to know what you think about this. I'm afraid of getting sucked back in.

 

Going on my own experiences as well as what I just read I would be very weary. First of all the sudden desperation to get a hold of you does not bode well. The fact that so much time has passed seems to me like things did not work out for her the way she expected and she is now looking for a familiar person to take comfort in to make herself feel better.

 

I like that you kept her at bay and kept your conversation short and to the point, with no feelings discussed. Do not make yourself look available to her until you’re 100% sure as to what she wants as well as what you want. Right now this is very much a job for your brain and not your heart.

[intothelight84]

Going on my own experiences as well as what I just read I would be very weary. First of all the sudden desperation to get a hold of you does not bode well. The fact that so much time has passed seems to me like things did not work out for her the way she expected and she is now looking for a familiar person to take comfort in to make herself feel better. .

 

So, you think she wants to use me to make herself feel better and that this not about getting me back?

[Perhaps]

So, you think she wants to use me to make herself feel better and that this not about getting me back?

 

Yes. Think about it - if she had a boyfriend or if she was with someone else, would she have bothered to contact you?

 

But she is single now, and given the situation, it's hard to tell - she is testing the waters. Do you even want to be friends with her?

 

You have two options:

 

1. DO you want to pursue a friendship or possibly more? Think really hard about how you plan to go ahead with this. Do you really want to see where things may go?

 

2. Laugh it off and don't bother with it. She didn't give a hoot when she rubbed it in your face a long time ago... well what went around is now coming around back to her. She's trying to see if you still are 'under' her.

 

Personally, I suspect she's hungry for some attention but I could be wrong... perhaps she has too much pride at this point to admit anything.

 

Whatever you do, be confident or act the part at the very least.

 

Good luck.

[intothelight84]

Thanks for the advice and insight.

 

I do fear that she is trying to use. Her desperation in contacting me seems like she has hit a bad patch, and she remembers me as a source of comfort.

 

I know the friendship line is the classic break up line, but this coming after a year and a half. If anything, she should not even be thinking about me at all. And her tone with me was completely different. She actually seemed impressed by what I have been doing for the past year and a half. And asking me to dinner seemed strange too. It was "if you're in the neighborhood" kind of thing. Of course, she's not going to ask me to come visit her.

 

But part of me is curious. I always believed that things failed between us due to distance, and not because of things between us.

 

I am thinking and acting about this cautiously.

[Ilovecake]

So, you think she wants to use me to make herself feel better and that this not about getting me back?

 

It could very well be about getting you back, but what I'm saying is investigate why it is that she so suddenly wants you back. Usually when we break up with people we think everything is going to be fun and roses but when it doesn't work out that way we tend to go to what feel familiar. Which means as soon as something better comes along she might bail again because she knows you will be there to pick up the pieces. When an ex wants you back it's not for you it's because they need something. I would definitely want to know what that something is.

[McGrupp]

I tell her I'm doing well (and I am).

 

so stay away from her.

[DenverBachelor]

"Friends?"

 

Hasn't any ex heard of the expression, "let sleeping dogs lie?" For the most part, a man and a woman weren't "designed" to carry on platonic relationships. Sure, it CAN happen, but generally it leads to someone developing feelings, etc.

 

On top of that, being friends with an ex is exceedingly unlikely to end up as a positive thing. There is already history there. You both know what you look like naked. You've felt each other in every way.

 

So the bottom line is that I think she's testing the waters like your therapist suggested. How you interpret this and how you act on it is up to you -- but getting back with an ex is not the same thing as re-opening that door that closed a long time ago. You can't use an ex as a time machine, a crutch for the future or emotional security.

[sean1970]

On top of that, being friends with an ex is exceedingly unlikely to end up as a positive thing.

 

I have a few ex's that I have eventually talked to again (even split on who contacted who). It has been my experience that once the initial novelty and 'how the hell are you' wears off, they become mere acquaintances, not 'friends'.

[Ilovecake]

I have a few ex's that I have eventually talked to again (even split on who contacted who). It has been my experience that once the initial novelty and 'how the hell are you' wears off, they become mere acquaintances, not 'friends'.

 

tru dat.

 

I'm on friendly terms with a few of my exes but it doesn't go further than 'hi how are you?' when I see them out and about.

I have yet to meet a person that is 'truly' friends with somebody they had a significant, intimate relationship with. I've only seen it in movies and on sitcoms. It seems by the time you get to the stage where you could be friends it's not all that appealing. You know things about them that you normally would not want to know about a friend.

[Ilovecake]

Just to add one final thought. I like what my therapist said to me once. It makes perfect sense.

 

You can be friends with your ex when you know you would not be bothered by going on a double date with him/her and their new partner.

[intothelight84]

I appreciate all the advice. And i will say this.

 

When we met, she was going through a hard time in her life. When I went a abroad, it got so much worse (depression/drinking). After she dumped me, she was still bad, but eventually got better. When we had the blow out, she seemed to doing well and had this attitude of "I'm better than you" or "I don't need you." Which is funny, because she did the dumping.

 

But now she's doing ok. I am afraid that is just a cycle of her moods and I am the old crutch she used to lean on.

[sean1970]

But now she's doing ok. I am afraid that is just a cycle of her moods and I am the old crutch she used to lean on.

 

What does it say about how you see yourself when you make someone a priority, but to them, you are only an option?

[selena_cat]

A wise old lady told me if they hurt you once,they will hurt you again.

Whats to stop her from breaking it off or being nasty if she did get back to you. Its obvious that her lovelife and the men she whored round with and rubbed it in your face with didnt call her the next day,so she needs attention of the old comfortable you. you deserve better,make wise decisions-now i myself need to practice what i preach too,best of luck!

[intothelight84]

 

For a long time I was under the delusion she actually loved me and I was the one who screwed up the relationship (which she basically told me).

 

When is fact she was just using me.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cV1dyV9d_1k&feature=related

 

Thanks for reminding me.

Edited February 25, 2010 by intothelight84

[adamt]

as much as i would love my ex back, the reality is could i trust her 100% not to break up again. if she walked away once then no reason why she couldnt do it again. in 9 months i've only spoke to the ex once. i was in a bar and she saw me. she came over. we made polite conversation for 10 minutes. just catch up stuff and how everyone is. then she left the bar. not heard from her since. once she has caught up on what's goign on in your life she will disappear again. if you do get back together more than likely the relationship will fall back into its old ways and she will be off again.

 

but if you feel you cant move on without giving things a 2nd chance then give it a go but be more prepared if it isnt goign to work out

 

if she just wants to be friends, do you really want to be about when she has a new man. then she will drop you. also she might be attempting to clear her concience by you accepting her as a friend

Edited February 27, 2010 by adamt

[intothelight84]

as much as i would love my ex back, the reality is could i trust her 100% not to break up again. if she walked away once then no reason why she couldnt do it again. in 9 months i've only spoke to the ex once. i was in a bar and she saw me. she came over. we made polite conversation for 10 minutes. just catch up stuff and how everyone is. then she left the bar. not heard from her since. once she has caught up on what's goign on in your life she will disappear again. if you do get back together more than likely the relationship will fall back into its old ways and she will be off again.

 

but if you feel you cant move on without giving things a 2nd chance then give it a go but be more prepared if it isnt goign to work out

 

if she just wants to be friends, do you really want to be about when she has a new man. then she will drop you. also she might be attempting to clear her concience by you accepting her as a friend

 

I did think about the conscience thing....how she was just trying to make herself feel better. She knows she did me dirty. In fact, during the conversation she asked if I was still bitter at her. I just laughed at that.

 

 

"if you do get back together more than likely the relationship will fall back into its old ways and she will be off again."

 

While we were physically together, she wasn't planning on breaking up with me. The break up came because I went abroad for 8 months and we were both in our senior year at college. And we both had no idea what we were doing after college.

 

" if she walked away once then no reason why she couldnt do it again. "

 

My therapist said that because I was the one who went abroad, she probably feels like I was the one who abandoned her and not the other way around.

 

"once she has caught up on what's goign on in your life she will disappear again."

 

I can definitely see this. We did catch up on the phone. But she did ask me to dinner if I was ever in her area. Which sends mixed signals to me.

Edited February 27, 2010 by intothelight84

[nowomanocry]

Hi,

 

 

I talked to my therapist and he says that she is testing the waters with me, to see if something is possible..

 

I definitely agree with your therapist. Without any doubt!

 

So here you have three routes

 

If you want her to chase you do not show any signs of interest and even lie about your life saying you have a new g/f , new better paid job that you might be moving to whereeva that you are very happy with your life without her etc etc .. then after you get her back somehow and take control dump her for good lol

 

If you want to get rid of her for good, respond positively tell her that you still love her and want her back and no time spent without thinking of her, cry over the phone with some crap music that she loves at the background etc etc. Believe me she will never call you back to start something back again unless she has found another cow to milk. (or if she's doing fine financially) maybe she can't get the interest of men anymore for some reason so he's coming back to the only idiot (that what she will think) who will accept her back

 

Highly recommended >> or do not waste your time and money for her anymore , don't bother doing anything

 

hope this helps a bit lol

 

;)

[intothelight84]

I definitely agree with your therapist. Without any doubt!

 

So here you have three routes

 

If you want her to chase you do not show any signs of interest and even lie about your life saying you have a new g/f , new better paid job that you might be moving to whereeva that you are very happy with your life without her etc etc .. then after you get her back somehow and take control dump her for good lol

 

If you want to get rid of her for good, respond positively tell her that you still love her and want her back and no time spent without thinking of her, cry over the phone with some crap music that she loves at the background etc etc. Believe me she will never call you back to start something back again unless she has found another cow to milk. (or if she's doing fine financially) maybe she can't get the interest of men anymore for some reason so he's coming back to the only idiot (that what she will think) who will accept her back

 

Highly recommended >> or do not waste your time and money for her anymore , don't bother doing anything

 

hope this helps a bit lol

 

;)

 

Haha...good advice. Any of the three options end with her gone for good.

 

As far as her chasing me, I think the invitation to dinner is as far as she'll go. She basically has left the ball in my court, and probably won't try anymore (out of pride).

 

Funny thing is, after her invitation, I told her I'd be in town next week for an interview and would let her know. I never called.

[intothelight84]

After reading your advice and thinking about it carefully, I've decided not to contact her anymore or accept contact from her.

 

I really don't feel like wasting any time or money to go to dinner with her. It would probably suck anyways.

[McGrupp]

awesome

[selena_cat]

Good for you that you didnt call her while youre in town,thats what guys usually do anyway is not call,its time you continued to stay out of her radar..

When you finally dissappear from her life,unlike some men at least you'll have a reason. Women like that are the ones you need to vanish i'll say.

[nowomanocry]

After reading your advice and thinking about it carefully, I've decided not to contact her anymore or accept contact from her.

 

I really don't feel like wasting any time or money to go to dinner with her. It would probably suck anyways.

 

Not to contact her: Good action!

 

Accepting contact from her if she calls (if she doesn't than fine, do not do anything): Here if you are damn sure of your self that you won't screw up, do not take the call at 1st ring. See how eager she is to get through. If she calls the 2nd (which I doubt) you can pick up but you have to be a good artist lol - be very cool, even if you are having the worst of time of your life without her convince her that you are better off without her now that you understand etc. then communicate with her in a way as to nothing has happened and that she is an ordinary friend calling, shock her to death! If you do this, and she finds out she means nothing to you anymore she will even be more curious with happened in your life. Make her feel that she has missed a big opportunity to be with you in some way and see how she reacts. After that in every contact observe her, listen to her and judge your relationship. You will most probably see that she was never worth it and you will laugh to yourself saying "is this the woman I was so shattered of -loosing-". But during all this, be wary as to not fall into her trap again. Assume control, and see what she does. This is a good way of seeing things and evaluating your relationship and will make you stronger and more confident in your future relationships so that you do not make the same mistakes again / enabling you to see your good sides as well. Again, I repeat, do not do this if you are still weak towards her, and only do it when you are sure you have got her out of your mind and that she means nothing to you anymore..

 

Before this thread you were thinking of buying a dinner? Don't spend a single penny on her. She should buy you dinner not you!

[nowomanocry]

After reading your advice and thinking about it carefully, I've decided not to contact her anymore or accept contact from her.

 

I really don't feel like wasting any time or money to go to dinner with her. It would probably suck anyways.

 

After reading your advice and thinking about it carefully, I've decided not to contact her anymore or accept contact from her.

 

I really don't feel like wasting any time or money to go to dinner with her. It would probably suck anyways.

 

Not to contact her: Good action!

 

Accepting contact from her if she calls (if she doesn't than fine, do not do anything): Here if you are damn sure of your self that you won't screw up, do not take the call at 1st ring. See how eager she is to get through. If she calls the 2nd (which I doubt) you can pick up but you have to be a good artist lol - be very cool, even if you are having the worst of time of your life without her convince her that you are better off without her now that you understand etc. then communicate with her in a way as to nothing has happened and that she is an ordinary friend calling, shock her to death! If you do this, and she finds out she means nothing to you anymore she will even be more curious with happened in your life. Make her feel that she has missed a big opportunity to be with you in some way and see how she reacts. After that in every contact observe her, listen to her and judge your relationship. You will most probably see that she was never worth it and you will laugh to yourself saying "is this the woman I was so shattered of -loosing-". But during all this, be wary as to not fall into her trap again. Assume control, and see what she does. This is a good way of seeing things and evaluating your relationship and will make you stronger and more confident in your future relationships so that you do not make the same mistakes again / enabling you to see your good sides as well. Again, I repeat, do not do this if you are still weak towards her, and only do it when you are sure you have got her out of your mind and that she means nothing to you anymore..

 

Before this thread you were thinking of buying a dinner? Don't spend a single penny on her. She should buy you dinner not you!

 

TC mate

[intothelight84]

Not to contact her: Good action!

 

 

Before this thread you were thinking of buying a dinner? Don't spend a single penny on her. She should buy you dinner not you!

 

TC mate

 

Hell no, I wasn't thinking of buying her dinner! She invited me, so she should pay, right? I would only pay for myself.