I want to scream. .

[silentcow]

Hello everyone.

 

First of all I just want to say that I realize the forum regulars probably see a lot of different versions of me flitting around here, so I really want to thank you for your time in looking over my post because I am in need of some feedback here.

 

This is lengthy so please bear with me.

 

I've been married to my husband for six months now. He is an alcoholic, and while not active, he's also not in recovery. He is the sweetest guy I've encountered, but then...when he drinks, or when he gets angry, he gets terrible.

 

Before we really committed to one another he wasn't an angry person. I didn't know him to even think about rage until he drank, and even those instances I could count on two fingers. I, however, am an antagonist. I don't...it's an issue of mine that I fully recognize, and have put much work in to reduce.

 

We were together for about a year, split for seven months, got back together and after two years, got married. When we first got back together, his alcoholism was insanely severe. I can't tell you how many times I came home to a drunken rage or him curled up, half naked from the waist down in the fetal position on the floor. My mother was also an alcoholic/addict for a significant portion of my childhood: trauma trigger? Pressed.

 

For the first bit I handled it calmly and as supportively as I could, what I now know was enabling him. I gently nudged him toward help he wouldn't take. Then, I became fed up, and told him he had 30 days to get it together or pack it up. He sought counseling that resulted in a scrip for Celexa that lasted two months, and sessions that lasted for even less time. During this time, he'd go for 1 week - 2 months white-knuckling.

 

And during this time, I lost my ability to hold my temper when he'd do it. I couldn't hold it in anymore, it was like a vengeful creature just dying to make itself known. I would talk to him about these instances the next day, telling him how they made me feel, trying to get him to see where the logic in even doing it was erred a bit, basically being the "wounded wife" and "counselor" on the same token. I was trying so hard to fix it. So hard. So much energy into it. He lied to me over and over again, which was an extra, super burn given that I had worked so hard to overcome the trust issues that resulted from my past trauma. I mean, I see these things and I work on them through counseling, etc., I'm not lazy in that department.

 

So in combination with all the effort, mental/emotional support, being the mental/emotional punching bag, and a sex life so sporadic that even I, somewhat of a prude due to sexual trauma issues, finally got the itch and frustrated over being unable to scratch it.

 

There was a period of time before we were married, a year actually, where he would not touch me. He would not look at me, he would not touch me, he just masturbated to porn. That was it. Gave me one hell of a complex, especially since my first husband did pretty much the same thing, except cheated on me as well. I hadn't gained weight or anything, I tried initiating, it didn't work.

 

So finally we get married, after he gets all excited, says he's working on being the man he should be for me, etc., which isn't necessarily what I wanted, I just wanted a more active partner in the relationship. We get married. We have sex. This is six months ago. We've had sex 3 times since.

 

He's 33 and I'm 23, though the age difference isn't apparent prior to mentioning it.

 

I've talked to him and belabored the point about sex, trust, the whole shebang. I've raged over petty stuff when the real issue is the trust/communication/sex. Yeah, raged. Not too proud that I've brought the fight dynamic into the relationship.

 

More often than not, when I bring these things up, he deflects and says that I never pay attention to when he does things, or that I never clean the house (which I don't, I'm lazy, but when you're talking about trust, that's a little irrelevant, at least to me in the context he'd use it). If he's raging, he loves to make me feel like I'm crazy and that I should shut up.

 

Now, when I rage, it's not better, but I don't go after his personality/person like that. My rage is the direct result of a trigger, an action, and I make that known. He always says that by "bringing up the past you go for my gut", but I don't see how we can not talk about it when it isn't resolved.

 

And the sex thing is really getting to me because he really wants to have a kid. All I can think is "Really?! With the way we are now?! You're nuts!" I mean, if our relationship were more solid, I would have no qualms about it, but it's obviously not - I don't trust him! I mean for God's sake, when I find out he has the day off, my first thought is "Oh my god, is he going to drink?" EVEN THOUGH it's been weeks since anything like that has happened. It's a panic trigger for me.

 

So I'm sitting here, staring at my computer, wondering what to do. I feel like he doesn't look at me, but he swears that he's tried to initiate sex in the mornings, I just don't know it because I'm asleep - obviously, I mean really? I work 12 hour overnight shifts, yes, at 8am, I AM EXHAUSTED AND ASLEEP. He acts like this is the only time we can have sex. Sometimes he'll say he's just not interested, and the last time he said this, I asked him when the last time was he masturbated. "Two weeks ago." "Really? And was it to a fantasy of me?" "Er..no."

 

I don't mind porn in a relationship when sex is balanced, but when it's like this, all I can think about is how unattractive I am, but I'm not that hard on the eyes - no sudden massive weight gain, though I have gained a few pounds.

 

Here's what's brought me to the point of posting in a forum and probably boring you to tears:

 

This weekend we had a fight, well, more like he just went into an insane rage. He came in, sat down on the end of the bed, and would not leave me alone despite my very calm pleadings for him to do so, saying I didn't want to engage his rage like that. I'm really trying to break away from that dynamic. He went on and on, and finally told me that he'd lied to me about breaking up with his fiance - when we were first together. Might seem petty to y'all but it was my understanding that he'd left her. Due to trauma, this was a superhuge deal - I suddenly find out I've been the other woman, and I feel disgusted with myself, ashamed. I burst into tears trying to explain this to him, as it triggered my PTSD pretty severely, and he acted like I was losing my mind, threatening to call the police. I clammed up.

 

I don't remember the next day. I remember him trying to talk to me, but I was so dissociated at that point that I couldn't really understand what he was saying, nor could I feel my own skin. I've been through that before, it's a trauma reaction. He apologized profusely and swore he's going to change...

 

But I've lost hope after that. I'm so triggered I can't come down, and it seems like these things keep happening in spurts. I can't handle it. The second I get soft and vulnerable again, right where I want to be in the relationship, he either rages or drinks. It's like a sensor for him.

 

I feel emotionally and physically neglected, and that it's all my fault for introducing the dysfunctionality into the relationship. I know where it comes from, and I didn't intend for it to enter, but it has. I'm to the point where he says he loves me and, it's not that I don't love him, but it doesn't carry the spark it used to. There's no spark there. He doesn't kiss me passionately anymore, buy me flowers, anything...and this fight was the first time he's apologized for something like that in over a year. Not that he didn't feel guilty, but after repeated incidents of not hearing it and him just trying to move on without resolving it, I really feel like he just wants me to shut up. I don't have much sympathy for the fact he's sick (current sinus infection), I just...I'm very detached, and very, very bitter. He said he was going to call a hotline from work today to get us marriage counseling, but I'm so depressed I feel like even that won't work.

 

I just feel hopeless.

 

Here are a few things I hope to receive advice away from:

 

He's not cheating on me. I've well looked into that.

 

He took celexa for three months, that was it. The sex was a problem before and after.

 

Help. I don't want to go through a second divorce, and I do love him but this is...becoming more and more unbearable.

[laRubiaBonita]

sorry you are having a hard time with your spouse....

 

why did you get married? did you think it would automatically change things?

 

i just do not understand why you would diregard all the warning signs/ and all the past troubles you two have had, AND get married.

 

a second divorce should be the least of your worries- i hope you get the advice yuou are looking for.

[silentcow]

I didn't marry him to fix things - I knew it wouldn't. That's why when my friends tell me they're sorry, I've never accepted that, I've said, "I signed up for it, so it's mine to handle."

 

Because I did, willingly.

 

I don't leave relationships. I'm loyal to a fault.

[Jeff1962]

Silentcow. You cannot fix him. Your H. has to want to fix himself.

[RobM]

I don't know you or him, but I know I could never survive and be happy with that much anger and trouble in my marriage. In my mind marriage isn't always wonderful but it should be mostly wonderful.

 

Just my opinion, but I can't understand with all the issues why you married him in the first place and it's only been 6 months so I would say make plans to end it. Give him a chance if want, therapy or whatever, but if it can't be fixed quickly then accept it was probably a mistake and move on and save yourself years of anger and pain.

[JackJack]

I didn't marry him to fix things - I knew it wouldn't. That's why when my friends tell me they're sorry, I've never accepted that, I've said, "I signed up for it, so it's mine to handle."

 

Because I did, willingly.

 

I don't leave relationships. I'm loyal to a fault.

 

Sorry, I don't get this at all. You knew all these things, but got married anyway..so what has been your pay off?

[silentcow]

I've always chalked it up to the fact that I have a high tolerance for people's baggage, but I think that patience is wearing thin. Honestly it doesn't make sense to me either now, even though I love him. It kills me.

 

They payoff really doesn't outweigh the payout anymore. I'm caught in that trap where he says he'll change and sounds like he really means it...I mean he has improved since we've been together, but the trust and the sex just...gah!!!

 

I'm not so ugly that you have to get your rocks off on porn and stay with me! Jeeze!

[RobM]

... Honestly it doesn't make sense to me either now, even though I love him. It kills me....

 

I can't tell you how many times I'm at the end of a big work project and it becomes painfully apparent to everyone that I make a dumb mistake at the beginning, and the question comes up why?

 

The answer is almost always the same, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[blair08]

"I don't leave relationships, I'm loyal by fault."

 

So are you planning on sticking it out for good, no matter what? What is your plan?

[just_some_guy]

Silentcow,

 

You really need to go to a few al-anon meetings. Make a commitment to go to six meetings and get at least 3 peoples phone numbers and call them, if nothing more than to say some silly dude on the internet said you should.

 

At six months into the marriage, you really don't have a lot of depth in the relationship. Whatever you do, stay on birth control and do not allow yourself to get pregnant for now. This is not a place you should bring innocent children into. If you guys work it out and have a number of years in sobriety for him and in serenity for yourself, then maybe have kids.

[troggleputty]

 

I've been married to my husband for six months now. He is an alcoholic, and while not active, he's also not in recovery. He is the sweetest guy I've encountered, but then...when he drinks, or when he gets angry, he gets terrible.

 

If he still drinks then he IS "active."

 

How is it possible that an angry terrible drunk is the "sweetest" guy you've encountered?

 

Before you start trying to analyze your relationship with this man, you need to reality-check your own perceptions. You married a terrible, angry drunk, not the "sweetest guy." So the first question is why you would want to marry a terrible, angry drunk in the first place?

 

 

 

Before we really committed to one another he wasn't an angry person. I didn't know him to even think about rage until he drank, and even those instances I could count on two fingers. I, however, am an antagonist. I don't...it's an issue of mine that I fully recognize, and have put much work in to reduce.

 

Obviously he was an angry drunk long before you ever committed to each other. Unless you are saying he suddenly became an angry drunk only after you committed to each other. Which doesn't make any sense.

 

This is part of your poor reality-testing that needs to change before you can hope to resolve your situation.

 

 

We were together for about a year, split for seven months, got back together and after two years, got married. When we first got back together, his alcoholism was insanely severe. I can't tell you how many times I came home to a drunken rage or him curled up, half naked from the waist down in the fetal position on the floor. My mother was also an alcoholic/addict for a significant portion of my childhood: trauma trigger? Pressed.

 

So, you split, and then married him even after you knew he was an "insanely severe" alcoholic. So, that's what you've got now. What did you expect getting married to this guy would change, and why?

 

 

 

For the first bit I handled it calmly and as supportively as I could, what I now know was enabling him. I gently nudged him toward help he wouldn't take. Then, I became fed up, and told him he had 30 days to get it together or pack it up. He sought counseling that resulted in a scrip for Celexa that lasted two months, and sessions that lasted for even less time. During this time, he'd go for 1 week - 2 months white-knuckling.

 

Your husband apparently has zero redeeming qualities. Why did you marry a terrible, angry, insanely drunk alcoholic?

 

 

 

And during this time, I lost my ability to hold my temper when he'd do it. I couldn't hold it in anymore, it was like a vengeful creature just dying to make itself known. I would talk to him about these instances the next day, telling him how they made me feel, trying to get him to see where the logic in even doing it was erred a bit, basically being the "wounded wife" and "counselor" on the same token. I was trying so hard to fix it. So hard. So much energy into it. He lied to me over and over again, which was an extra, super burn given that I had worked so hard to overcome the trust issues that resulted from my past trauma. I mean, I see these things and I work on them through counseling, etc., I'm not lazy in that department.

 

Well I can see where being married to an angry insane alcoholic who doesn't get treatment and lies to you constantly might be somewhat irritating. But again why would you think things would be any other way, you walked into this marriage with eyes open knowing what you were marrying.

 

So in combination with all the effort, mental/emotional support, being the mental/emotional punching bag, and a sex life so sporadic that even I, somewhat of a prude due to sexual trauma issues, finally got the itch and frustrated over being unable to scratch it.

 

It's frankly amazing to me that you would even have any sexual desire for someone like this at all. He sounds despicable and disgusting.

 

 

 

There was a period of time before we were married, a year actually, where he would not touch me. He would not look at me, he would not touch me, he just masturbated to porn. That was it. Gave me one hell of a complex, especially since my first husband did pretty much the same thing, except cheated on me as well. I hadn't gained weight or anything, I tried initiating, it didn't work.

 

LOL. O.K. so in addition to being an insane, angry drunk, he didn't like to have sex with you either. But you still married him.

 

OK so what's the "bad news"?

 

 

So finally we get married, after he gets all excited, says he's working on being the man he should be for me, etc., which isn't necessarily what I wanted, I just wanted a more active partner in the relationship. We get married. We have sex. This is six months ago. We've had sex 3 times since.

 

 

Ugh, that's 3 times too many with a guy like that. Please please tell me that you used birth control. Please promise never to have children with this man.

 

 

He's 33 and I'm 23, though the age difference isn't apparent prior to mentioning it.

 

Usually if someone has been a degenerate alcoholic in their thirties they've probably been this way since late adolesence i.e. probably at least 15 years of very heavy drinking. And this really AGES a person. So he probably looks like he's in his mid to late 40's. And if you look just as old as he does, you must be a mess as well. The question is: "Why"?

 

My conclusion can only be that you have your own history of substance abuse problems which you are not acknowledging. Maybe not alcohol, probably drugs of some kind, that's why you're attracted to this guy.

 

 

 

I've talked to him and belabored the point about sex, trust, the whole shebang. I've raged over petty stuff when the real issue is the trust/communication/sex. Yeah, raged. Not too proud that I've brought the fight dynamic into the relationship.

 

You married a degenerate, lying, angry alcoholic who didn't want to have sex with you before you married him. You got exactly what you bargained for. Therefore you have no right to act surprised about where you are in your life right now.

 

 

More often than not, when I bring these things up, he deflects and says that I never pay attention to when he does things, or that I never clean the house (which I don't, I'm lazy, but when you're talking about trust, that's a little irrelevant, at least to me in the context he'd use it). If he's raging, he loves to make me feel like I'm crazy and that I should shut up.

 

O.K. so the house is a pigsty too? Wonderful just wonderful. Just how many old pizza boxes do you have under the couch cushions anyway?

 

By the way, I don't know if you're clinically insane, but clearly you MUST BE "crazy" in the colloquial sense of the word, i.e., completely irrational.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, when I rage, it's not better, but I don't go after his personality/person like that. My rage is the direct result of a trigger, an action, and I make that known. He always says that by "bringing up the past you go for my gut", but I don't see how we can not talk about it when it isn't resolved.

 

Wow you sound just as sick as he is, two codependent rageaholics feeding off each other.

 

 

 

And the sex thing is really getting to me because he really wants to have a kid.

 

Charles Darwin would disapprove of this idea.

 

 

 

All I can think is "Really?! With the way we are now?! You're nuts!" I mean, if our relationship were more solid, I would have no qualms about it, but it's obviously not - I don't trust him! I mean for God's sake, when I find out he has the day off, my first thought is "Oh my god, is he going to drink?" EVEN THOUGH it's been weeks since anything like that has happened. It's a panic trigger for me.

 

If you did actually have a child with this man one or the other or both of you would end up neglecting or abusing the child. You owe it to the human race to not reproduce, preferably, both of you should get yourselves sterilized so there's no accidental pregancy as a result of a drunken night of passion.

 

So I'm sitting here, staring at my computer, wondering what to do. I feel like he doesn't look at me, but he swears that he's tried to initiate sex in the mornings, I just don't know it because I'm asleep - obviously, I mean really? I work 12 hour overnight shifts, yes, at 8am, I AM EXHAUSTED AND ASLEEP. He acts like this is the only time we can have sex. Sometimes he'll say he's just not interested, and the last time he said this, I asked him when the last time was he masturbated. "Two weeks ago." "Really? And was it to a fantasy of me?" "Er..no."

 

LOL, when he jerks off, he probably fantasizes to a bottle of Johnny Walker.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't mind porn in a relationship when sex is balanced, but when it's like this, all I can think about is how unattractive I am, but I'm not that hard on the eyes - no sudden massive weight gain, though I have gained a few pounds.

 

"A few pounds"?

 

 

Here's what's brought me to the point of posting in a forum and probably boring you to tears:

 

I'm not bored at all. This is interesting.

 

This weekend we had a fight, well, more like he just went into an insane rage.

 

Oh, there it is again--"insane rage." How unexpected.

 

 

 

He came in, sat down on the end of the bed, and would not leave me alone despite my very calm pleadings for him to do so, saying I didn't want to engage his rage like that. I'm really trying to break away from that dynamic. He went on and on, and finally told me that he'd lied to me about breaking up with his fiance - when we were first together. Might seem petty to y'all but it was my understanding that he'd left her. Due to trauma, this was a superhuge deal - I suddenly find out I've been the other woman, and I feel disgusted with myself, ashamed. I burst into tears trying to explain this to him, as it triggered my PTSD pretty severely, and he acted like I was losing my mind, threatening to call the police. I clammed up.

 

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you got married to this guy. If you're not married and he's got another gf, this is your "get out of jail free" card, kick his @ss out already. As a matter of fact even if you are married, kick his @ss out.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't remember the next day. I remember him trying to talk to me, but I was so dissociated at that point that I couldn't really understand what he was saying, nor could I feel my own skin. I've been through that before, it's a trauma reaction. He apologized profusely and swore he's going to change...

 

I have to complement you, you are an extremely articulate person. Unfortunately you are also batsh*t crazy. An interesting paradox.

 

 

 

But I've lost hope after that. I'm so triggered I can't come down, and it seems like these things keep happening in spurts. I can't handle it. The second I get soft and vulnerable again, right where I want to be in the relationship, he either rages or drinks. It's like a sensor for him.

 

It has nothing to do with you. He "rages" and "drinks" because "that's what he does." That's what he is. A rageful drunk. But you knew that already when you married him. You got exactly what you bargained for.

 

I feel emotionally and physically neglected, and that it's all my fault for introducing the dysfunctionality into the relationship.

 

Really? You made him a rageful drunk? I don't think so. Your mistake was in introducing yourself into any kind of a relationship with this guy, and you need to extract yourself from it as soon as possible.

 

 

I know where it comes from, and I didn't intend for it to enter, but it has. I'm to the point where he says he loves me and, it's not that I don't love him, but it doesn't carry the spark it used to. There's no spark there. He doesn't kiss me passionately anymore, buy me flowers, anything...and this fight was the first time he's apologized for something like that in over a year. Not that he didn't feel guilty, but after repeated incidents of not hearing it and him just trying to move on without resolving it, I really feel like he just wants me to shut up. I don't have much sympathy for the fact he's sick (current sinus infection), I just...I'm very detached, and very, very bitter. He said he was going to call a hotline from work today to get us marriage counseling, but I'm so depressed I feel like even that won't work.

 

You're missing the point. You married a drunk rageholic lying cheater who doesn't like to have sex with you. You cannot change him. The only question you have to answer is why you think you deserve this kind of self-inflicted punishment. Get out before he beats you up or kills you.

 

 

 

 

 

I just feel hopeless.

 

Here are a few things I hope to receive advice away from:

 

He's not cheating on me. I've well looked into that.

 

He took celexa for three months, that was it. The sex was a problem before and after.

 

Help. I don't want to go through a second divorce, and I do love him but this is...becoming more and more unbearable.

 

 

If you want people to give you reasons for staying together with this guy I can't think of a single one.

[milvushina]

I am not a big poster, but this caught my eye. I got married when I was 23 to a man who was an alcoholic and had all kinds of mental problems. I didn't see you say that he's violent. Mine did not get physical either. But he had so much anger and baggage and always would get drunk and cause me all kinds of duress.

 

I came home to find him scraped and bruised.. got punched by a friend for being a douche or fell down stairs.. or alienated some friends by groping someone or deciding to "shock" them by randomly stripping naked.

 

His behavior went from annoying to insane after we got married, but I knew he had problems before I married him, always promising to change or quit drinking. Why did I go through with it? Because I was very stubborn, I was determined to make it work, we had a history of childhood friendship, loved each other and a bunch of other **** that seemed real important at the time.

 

I understand these things happen and sometimes you make a bad decision. Sometimes you make the same bad decision twice. Why was I hesitant to leave my insane ex and get a divorce? Mainly, because it was my second marriage and people are accepting of someone who's been divorced, but someone who has been divorced twice by age 25?

 

I thought nobody would ever respect me again. The truth is I have been a lot harder on myself than anyone else. Stop and think, what would be your opinion of someone else in your situation? Likely you would be a lot more understanding of them than you are to yourself. Just for Christ's sake don't discount a divorce. I realize it might be my own prejudice having been through something eerily similar but I think you are using your hat to bail water out of a sinking ship here.

 

That's all I have to say and I am sorry it's not very cheerful. I just hate to see someone else in that awful place I was in about 6 years ago. Don't ever feel like you don't have a choice. Allow yourself to consider divorce. As much as I struggled for so many miserable months, my second divorce was one of my happiest moments.

[JustLooking123]

I think he's shown you pretty clearly who he is and how he operates. You have to decide if you're going to live with that or not. He's not going to change. Frankly, you sound pretty co-dependent. And you use terms that make me think you've been in therapy; if you're not in it now, get back in. And go to some al-anon meetings as someone else posted. If you willingly choose to stay with him, you will just get more of what he's been dishing out.

[2sunny]

stop worrying about him and start taking care of yourself. you can't fix this for him. he's unwilling to get into recovery... recovered... then you have your answer just by his non actions.

 

either you live a life of it this way - or you get out. it's up to you.

[SuburbanOblivion]

A lying, abusive, raging alcoholic who'd rather jerk off than sleep with you.

 

Yeah, I can see why you'd want to keep him. Real winner ya got there.

 

Since we all know you won't do the right thing and leave him, because you love him soooo much, please do the rest of us a favor and get an IUD or something, at least that will buy you time until you wise up and kick him to the curb.