Church Bells Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I am going to check up on her by going to her workplace to see if her car is there. You need to know more than just whether her car is there ... OM could have picked her up ... or they could be "hooking up" inside her workplace ... it happens. I would be prepared to stake out her car ... if it is there ... to see if she is alone when she gets in it to come home.
2sunny Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 That's just it. She won't - she's too smart. I think she may want me to be her husband and have OM that she sleeps with. I don't know if I can live with that. Or if she can. you already are living with "that" she's been attempting to deceive you all along. time to get busy - wake up - become proactive and see what is actually happening here - and become willing to do something about it. she's sleeping with another man - what do you plan to do about this?
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 You need to know more than just whether her car is there ... OM could have picked her up ... or they could be "hooking up" inside her workplace ... it happens. Excellent point CHURCH! I am getting sloppy.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Ok... just got home. I went to her workplace and the car was there. So I staked it out for about 45 minutes, thinking if she was going to meet someone, she would leave by 6:30 or so. The car was still there when I left and on my way home she called me to chat. The caller ID on my cell indicated she was in her office. We spoke on my entire way home (about 20 minutes) and I honestly don't think she is meeting anyone tonight. To some of the other posters, there could be no hooking up at her office because of the layout of her workplace... it's all open with people all around at all hours. There is no privacy in the entire building. I have not ever cheated on my wife. But I do love her and want her to be happy. I have a sexual dysfunction and I can understand why she might want another man physically. Just thinking out loud here, but if she is going to be with other men that should also give me the right to have other women (I do find women attractive - just never acted on it) but don't know if I am cut-out for an open relationship. Anyway, I don't think staking her car is the right way to find anything out. I need to see her Blackberry and read the texts between her and "John".
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 Ok... just got home. I went to her workplace and the car was there. So I staked it out for about 45 minutes, thinking if she was going to meet someone, she would leave by 6:30 or so. The car was still there when I left and on my way home she called me to chat. The caller ID on my cell indicated she was in her office. We spoke on my entire way home (about 20 minutes) and I honestly don't think she is meeting anyone tonight. To some of the other posters, there could be no hooking up at her office because of the layout of her workplace... it's all open with people all around at all hours. There is no privacy in the entire building. I have not ever cheated on my wife. But I do love her and want her to be happy. I have a sexual dysfunction and I can understand why she might want another man physically. Just thinking out loud here, but if she is going to be with other men that should also give me the right to have other women (I do find women attractive - just never acted on it) but don't know if I am cut-out for an open relationship. Anyway, I don't think staking her car is the right way to find anything out. I need to see her Blackberry and read the texts between her and "John". You need to make a choice. If your having sexual dysfunction. You need to fix that first before you engage emotionally or physically any other female. I know that sexual problems cause marital problems. but you need to fix them, and you need to let her know you are 100% fixing them and want to be her husband fully again. That might stop her from doing anything with this guy. If not file for divorce, fix yourself and date other women. I think you can get her to end the affair before it gets further entrenched. Good luck to you.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) Sexual dysfunction can be addressed. You mention 'minute man' in your first post. Premature ejaculation is not uncommon, and there are ways to address it, kegal exercise being one of them. There is a drug being currently approved for this as well. Most of us cum faster than we want to, and I think 5-6 minutes is average! Some guys have the opposite problem......unable to ejaculate. Have you tried therapists, doctors, etc that can help you with this? This is not a reason to cheat, you two should be working on this. Edited February 24, 2010 by Blindsidedagainalive
seibert253 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 She just emailed me and said she wouldn't be home from work until about 9pm this evening. Said she has a big presentation and meeting to prepare for. I am going to check up on her by going to her workplace to see if her car is there. Will fill you all in tonight or tomorrow. Thanks everyone for the different points of view. As my old buddy from North Carolina used to say "sumpin bad's gettin ready to happen here"
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 Sexual dysfunction can be addressed. You mention 'minute man' in your first post. Premature ejaculation is not uncommon, and there are ways to address it, kegal exercise being one of them. There is a drug being currently approved for this as well. Most of us cum faster than we want to, and I think 5-6 minutes is average! Some guys have the opposite problem......unable to ejaculate. Have you tried therapists, doctors, etc that can help you with this? This is not a reason to cheat, you two should be working on this. I have done everything. Doctors, medicines, creams, contraptions, exercises. Finally one doctor just told me that it most likely will never go away but that extended intercourse doesn't make for a full sexual experience. I have learned to cope through extended foreplay, oral sex, etc., but always in the back of my mind, I feel that I am not satisfying her.
2sunny Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 there are many options to keep your wife happy. make a trip together to the local sex shop and buy some toys designed for her pleasure and your participation. do not rule anything out in this arena, you may find that she may enjoy some things you never knew about. keep an open mind and be willing to participate in her pleasure.
mem11363 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 This is what a rational person would do to get more sexual attention from a spouse who is ignoring them. How often do you initiate, how often does she initiate? How big is the actual gap between what she wants and what she actually gets from you? Do you ever just please her - oral? My wife and I have been married for ten years. Most of the time pretty happily, but we've always had an issue around sex. She needs it much more than I do and I have had a persistant problem with being a "minute-man". She had an emotional "relationship" about 5 years ago, but swears she didn't sleep with the guy and realized that she loved me and wanted to be only with me. I believed her and still do. But now I'm starting to get nervous. We've been growing apart lately and she has been going out with her friends more. I went on a camping trip with some buddies last weekend and when I got home she told me all about her weekend. She said the she may have "lost a friend." I didn't understand this and asked what she meant. She said her friend "John" had been bugging her to go out because she was free over the weekend since I was gone. John is divorced with two kids and is not gay. She really didn't want to go out and ended up staying home, so he was now pissed at her - texting her all weekend asking her to go out and she didn't. She also recently told me that she wants to be on some new birth control pills that stop her periods. We have not used birth control for 10 years because we can't get pregnant, but now she wants to start for the sake of not having periods. I know how this all looks. My wife has a male friend she goes out with alone and now wants to be on birth control... I get it. But why would she tell me about any of it if something really was going on? Why would she make me suspicious? She is a very intellignet woman. If she wanted to have an affair why wouldn't she tell me anything? Why wouldn't she just keep it all to herself???
mark982 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 way yo find out for sure. plan another "camping" trip. have pi follow her. you'll konow for sure. also she only thinks she's to smart to get caught!! they all do, some just take alittle longer.
blair08 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 I don't think it really even matters much to you if she is doing anything with this other guy or not. You already stated you were maybe considering an open marriage even though you didn;t think you could have sex with other women. You said you wanted her to be happy and that you have a sexual dysfunction. I think you want HER to be happy so bad, you'd go along with whatever. Never mind how you feel.
Stung Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 There are certainly potential red flags here, especially as she has a known history of EA. However, I don't necessarily see taking BCP as one of them. The OP should know if his wife truly has bad, painful periods or severe PMS; many, many women use hormonal birth control methods as ways to control or mitigate these symptoms, and many more are at least intrigued by the idea of being able to and at least consider it. I have known celibates and virgins who took BCP to make their menstrual cycles easier on themselves. Even women who have relatively easy periods might be interested in being able to get rid of them as they are often a nuisance if nothing else.
Malenfant Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 i think the best thing to do is have an open, honest talk with your wife about your concerns. and when i say 'concerns' i mean your worries about not satisfying her, your fears that she may go elsewhere, and also that you have considered the possibility and possible implications of an open marriage. The situation with 'john' is not the real issue here. whatever has transpired between her and him, is, you feel, a by-product of your sexual relationship, or lack thereof. this is the thing that needs to be discussed. Any accusation obviously wont go down well, and any indiscretion will be denied. if your wife knows that you have contemplated an open marriage, she might open up more. this situation is about what you know is lacking in your marriage, as opposed to her being a downright cheat. i get the impression you dont think your wife would cheat for the sake of it, that she would only cheat because of your shortcomings, so that is what needs to be discussed. spying on her will only breed suspiscion on your part. you owe it to both of you to be totally honest with each other. the only way you can be fairly assured of complete honestry from your wife is if you make sure she knows that anything she has done, or is thinking about doing, will not be met with anger or misunderstanding on your part. of course, you have every right to be angry and upset if she has been unfaithfull, or has contemplated it, but it sounds like you would understand if she had, so thats what needs to be communicated on your part. whatever transpires from the talk is anyone's guess, and you dont have to forgive her if she has cheated. forgiveness is not neccessarily her reward for being honest.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 25, 2010 Author Posted February 25, 2010 We have had many many talks about this throughout the years and she assures me that she can't live without me and that she loves me. However, I know she wants and needs more from a sexual standpoint. She wants both worlds. She wants me as her husband and a guy that is more sexually compatible. Sounds great for her but makes me feel terrible as I cannot be one of those cuckold husbands. I would rather her just divorce me and get it over with but she won't so I feel she will sneak behind my back and have sex with other men. Yet at the same time, can I blame her? I'm tortured by this.
FryFish Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 Yet at the same time, can I blame her? CERTAINLY!!! If you don't you ARE a cuckold.
Malenfant Posted February 25, 2010 Posted February 25, 2010 We have had many many talks about this throughout the years and she assures me that she can't live without me and that she loves me. However, I know she wants and needs more from a sexual standpoint. She wants both worlds. She wants me as her husband and a guy that is more sexually compatible. Sounds great for her but makes me feel terrible as I cannot be one of those cuckold husbands. I would rather her just divorce me and get it over with but she won't so I feel she will sneak behind my back and have sex with other men. Yet at the same time, can I blame her? I'm tortured by this. hmm.. its obviously very difficult, and, having been on the other end of your situation in my previous relationship, i understand how its affects both sides. unfortunately, the reality may be those two options you've mentioned. One, divorce, two, turn a blind eye to any indiscretion. TBH i dont think anyone can tell you how to handle this. Whatever happens, someone will be hurt. and i'm very sorry for that.
White Flower Posted February 26, 2010 Posted February 26, 2010 My wife and I have been married for ten years. Most of the time pretty happily, but we've always had an issue around sex. She needs it much more than I do and I have had a persistant problem with being a "minute-man". She had an emotional "relationship" about 5 years ago, but swears she didn't sleep with the guy and realized that she loved me and wanted to be only with me. I believed her and still do. But now I'm starting to get nervous. We've been growing apart lately and she has been going out with her friends more. I went on a camping trip with some buddies last weekend and when I got home she told me all about her weekend. She said the she may have "lost a friend." I didn't understand this and asked what she meant. She said her friend "John" had been bugging her to go out because she was free over the weekend since I was gone. John is divorced with two kids and is not gay. She really didn't want to go out and ended up staying home, so he was now pissed at her - texting her all weekend asking her to go out and she didn't. She also recently told me that she wants to be on some new birth control pills that stop her periods. We have not used birth control for 10 years because we can't get pregnant, but now she wants to start for the sake of not having periods. I know how this all looks. My wife has a male friend she goes out with alone and now wants to be on birth control... I get it. But why would she tell me about any of it if something really was going on? Why would she make me suspicious? She is a very intellignet woman. If she wanted to have an affair why wouldn't she tell me anything? Why wouldn't she just keep it all to herself??? I for one would love to go without periods OM or not. And I would tell my H what my plan was regarding the Pill. Her behavior is otherwise obvious and if I were you, I'd rev up the sex life.
jnj express Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 She can't have it both ways----and you can't allow it to play out both ways----IF THE 2 OF YOU ARE GONNA STAY MARRIED, THEN SEXUALLY SHE IS GONNA HAVE TO BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT THE 2 OF YOU PRODUCE TOGETHER, AND THAT IS IT, END OF DISCUSSION. iF SHE CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN dIVORCE IS THE OPTION. you have read the thousands of posts of what it is like when you are betrayed. You have not been betrayed so you don't know what it is like. Your life as you know it will end. Your carefree days will never reappear. Right now all her contact with this other guy MUST COME TO A STOP NOW. Married women, do not associate with other men. They live, work, and socialize with their Husbands, as in the vows she took, such as , until death do us part. She must go NC immediately, this is done with a letter, or e-mail, and you watch it being sent or posted. This is the only way it is done, no other way is proper. As to this other guy---he is hard after your wife, if you allow them to continue any kind of contact, he may break her down, right now she probably still is faithful, but you need to be very vigilant. Also there may be someone else, remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. You must both address the sexuality problem, and work out a solution, and she needs to confine her time to you, and you need to stop going away and leaving her alone, where she can get into trouble. People only say no so many times, then they give in---DO NOT LET HER GO IN HARMS WAY.
mem11363 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 how big is the disconnect and why aren't you willing to just please her at some level of frequency that makes HER happy? the whole minute man thing is total victim mindset - you well know there are other ways you could please your wife - it sounds like you just don't want to be bothered We have had many many talks about this throughout the years and she assures me that she can't live without me and that she loves me. However, I know she wants and needs more from a sexual standpoint. She wants both worlds. She wants me as her husband and a guy that is more sexually compatible. Sounds great for her but makes me feel terrible as I cannot be one of those cuckold husbands. I would rather her just divorce me and get it over with but she won't so I feel she will sneak behind my back and have sex with other men. Yet at the same time, can I blame her? I'm tortured by this.
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