LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 My wife and I have been married for ten years. Most of the time pretty happily, but we've always had an issue around sex. She needs it much more than I do and I have had a persistant problem with being a "minute-man". She had an emotional "relationship" about 5 years ago, but swears she didn't sleep with the guy and realized that she loved me and wanted to be only with me. I believed her and still do. But now I'm starting to get nervous. We've been growing apart lately and she has been going out with her friends more. I went on a camping trip with some buddies last weekend and when I got home she told me all about her weekend. She said the she may have "lost a friend." I didn't understand this and asked what she meant. She said her friend "John" had been bugging her to go out because she was free over the weekend since I was gone. John is divorced with two kids and is not gay. She really didn't want to go out and ended up staying home, so he was now pissed at her - texting her all weekend asking her to go out and she didn't. She also recently told me that she wants to be on some new birth control pills that stop her periods. We have not used birth control for 10 years because we can't get pregnant, but now she wants to start for the sake of not having periods. I know how this all looks. My wife has a male friend she goes out with alone and now wants to be on birth control... I get it. But why would she tell me about any of it if something really was going on? Why would she make me suspicious? She is a very intellignet woman. If she wanted to have an affair why wouldn't she tell me anything? Why wouldn't she just keep it all to herself???
Church Bells Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I agree ... she has now scammed you twice. She's your W ... of course she knows how to play you, and based on her previous deception, she has CONFIDENCE that she can do it again. It's all part of the THRILL!!! Time to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT, as what you have been doing is not successful. Tell us a little more about this new guy. How does she know him? How do they normally communicate? ... and most importantly, WHEN you find out she really is having an A ... what are you going to do?
PandorasBox Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Did she give you anymore reason for WHY she wants to be on BC pills that help to stop her periods? I'm on those kind, but its because I suffer from really bad PMDD (which is alot like PMS but worse) so I only have a period every so often. I say something sounds weird to me. Redflags are raised.
misternoname Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Ouch...too many red flags! My ex wife claimed to have had an "emotional affair" that I later discovered was a hell of alot more than "emotional!" IMHO I think alot of folks that want to confess and get it off their chest (so to say) fall back on the premise that it was emotional only. I'm willing to bet 90% of so called emotional affairs are actually sexual. I would be very very suspicious if I were you.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Confront her now. You feel you two are growing apart - and she has a male friend she goes out with alone.. Put 2 and 2 together.. Plus the pill thing? Seriously, sit down, have the discussion that you WILL NOT go through another bout of her cheating on you again. IF she wants this guy, she can move out immediately and you two can talk to lawyers.. BE tough because if you waiver or show her weakness, she'll take advantage of the situation, turn it on you, make it seem like YOU are crazy, paranoid, that this guy is "just" a friend, nothing to worry about.. that's called gaslighting. Have you met this so-called male friend of hers? Are you ever invited to go along?
JackJack Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Is it possible she did go out with him after all? I mean you said she told you she didn't. Maybe she didn't, but odd she would tell you she might have lost a friend because she didn't go out with him and now wants to try some new birth control. I say go with your gut instinct.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 She wants to be on birth control, she says, because her periods are really bad and with this new pill she would only get around 4 periods per year. I have never met the guy but I know he works for a company that does business with her company... so they kind of work together on projects. I did tell her that I wasn't comfortable with her going on a "date" with this guy. She kind of rolled her eyes at me like I was acting crazy again thinking that she may be cheating. I still have the question... why does she tell me any of it? Why not just have the affair and keep it to herself? If that is what she is doing? Could it be that she is just trying to make me jealous? and making this whole thing up?
Church Bells Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Man, I know your head is all over the place, but if you really want help, you better start READING what those with more experience are telling you. SHE'S PLAYING YOU!!! IT'S PART OF THE THRILL!!! Read between the lines ... she's been having regular SEX with this guy ... that's why she needs birth control. Also, she went out with him the weekend of your camping trip ... and now she's just jerking you around for fun. I'm no fan of Dr. Laura, but I did read one quote from her that I agree with completely: "American women have been systematically emasculating their husband's and then using that as an excuse to leave them." This woman has ZERO respect for you ... and is treating you accordingly. I would suggest some major snooping, just to satisfy yourself, and then decide if you want to live the rest of your life with a woman capable of these actions.
blair08 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Doesn't sound good! I say lay low until you find out for sure whats going on. Give her enough rope to hang herself, that is assuming you want to really know the truth.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Give her enough rope to hang herself... That's just it. She won't - she's too smart. I think she may want me to be her husband and have OM that she sleeps with. I don't know if I can live with that. Or if she can.
Church Bells Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I don't know if I can live with that. If you're even debating this point, then there's nothing any of us can do to help you. You have chosen to be a DOORMAT!!! I'm actually EMBARRASSED for you!!!
Church Bells Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 She won't - she's too smart. She's NOT too smart ... she has basically given you a road map to her behavior ... you have CHOSEN to be in DENIAL of the obvious!!! When she finally loses ALL respect for you and actually leaves you for the OM, try to see if you can get custody of your testicles in the property settlement.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Easy there Church Bells, I'm not saying that I would be a doormat. Just contemplating an open-marriage. Not sure if I would want to have relationships with other women. I'm afraid that I might fall in love with one of them.
FryFish Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Huh? You are ok with kissing your wife after this "friend" has put his nutz in her mouth? Seriously?
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 I don't know that she did anything. I will be snooping to find out though.
stuckinoz Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 2 questions to the posters here........ 1) Is it NOT possible to have JUST an emotional affair that does not turn physical? 2) Why is it a big deal for her to want to stop her periods? If you are all guys here that are posting "Red Flag - Red Flag"......... - You wouldn't understand!! So you really have nothing intelligent you can add on that particular point. So those of you who say there are too many red flags, I say Not Necessarily. I for one have had an emotional affair that did not turn into a physical one. I find it hard to believe I'm the only person on the planet that has had such a thing. Just my opinion on those 2 particular points.
FryFish Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 So a cheater is defending her behavior... Take that for what it is worth LHHTR31
stuckinoz Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 So a cheater is defending her behavior... Take that for what it is worth LHHTR31 Not defending anyone's behavior. Just pointing out a few facts that you men don't seem to be able to see. As for the OP - Considering an open marriage is always an option. It does work for some people. Have you brought it up to your wife? in fact there is nothing intelligent about being with a cheater and expecting her to be faithful....probably insane thing anyone could ask for Another "Once A Cheater/Always A Cheater" believer. Good for you. But that phrase doesn't apply to everyone. Thank goodness we are all different.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 My advice, get stone cold proof. Call her out, expose and get a lawyer and file for divorce under adultery. If she isnt strong enough to stop this blossoming affair then what's the point of being married??? Seriously are you gonna put up with this? I'd rather have her served before she sleeps with him, so that way she'd be a free woman. but id also let everyone in both families know why im divorcing her skank azz.
Snowflower Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Not defending anyone's behavior. Just pointing out a few facts that you men don't seem to be able to see. stuckinoz, I get what you're saying here and I agree with you. There are a lot of assumptions being made about the OP and his wife here. Pure projection. No one here can really say what is going on for the OP and his marriage. Hopefully the different perspective that you presented will give the OP food for thought as he works through this. OP, good luck to you in whatever you decide.
Author LHHTR31 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 She just emailed me and said she wouldn't be home from work until about 9pm this evening. Said she has a big presentation and meeting to prepare for. I am going to check up on her by going to her workplace to see if her car is there. Will fill you all in tonight or tomorrow. Thanks everyone for the different points of view.
misternoname Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 2 questions to the posters here........ 1) Is it NOT possible to have JUST an emotional affair that does not turn physical? 2) Why is it a big deal for her to want to stop her periods? If you are all guys here that are posting "Red Flag - Red Flag"......... - You wouldn't understand!! So you really have nothing intelligent you can add on that particular point. So those of you who say there are too many red flags, I say Not Necessarily. I for one have had an emotional affair that did not turn into a physical one. I find it hard to believe I'm the only person on the planet that has had such a thing. Just my opinion on those 2 particular points. Guess I'm one of the posters you're referring to so time to defend my points. First, I didn't say ALL emotional affairs are also sexual but I suspect a great deal are. That being said, is an emotional affair truly any "better" than a sexual one? Is it not a betrayal of the marriage in every sense of the word? Just because DNA isn't being "shared" giving oneself emotionally to an outsider can be every bit as damaging. In some respects it may actually be worse than say a run of the mill one night stand. I hope you would at the very least agree that many emotional affairs do indeed become physical. Bottom line...an affair is an affair and they are very hurtful to the betrayed spouse regardless of how they are conducted. As far as the open marriage option...ironically my ex proposed the same thing to me. At the time she claimed that her and the other guy were just friends but she was having sexual feelings for him. She suggested the open marriage option to me thinking I would enjoy sewing my wild oats while at the same time giving her carte blanch to screw the other guy. When the truth finally was revealed (by my snooping...not her admission) I discovered she was already having sex with the dude. Everything she had told me for the most part was nothing but lies to cover her butt and in her eyes validate what she was already doing. I know open marriages work for some and frankly I'm not looking down on folks in the lifestyle but I think it's something that has to be decided upon mutually long before any behind the back shenanigans occur. My advice to the original poster...spy, snoop and get the truth and then and only then make any kind of decision...you're being played big time right now!
Blindsidedagainalive Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 If her car is not there, don't jump yet. Call her / text her and ask where she is....if she says work....she is bagged. You can call her out RIGHT then. If you just return home, without calling her, she may lie and say she grabbed a bite or ran an errand.
Snowflower Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 First, I didn't say ALL emotional affairs are also sexual but I suspect a great deal are. That being said, is an emotional affair truly any "better" than a sexual one? Is it not a betrayal of the marriage in every sense of the word? Just because DNA isn't being "shared" giving oneself emotionally to an outsider can be every bit as damaging. In some respects it may actually be worse than say a run of the mill one night stand. I hope you would at the very least agree that many emotional affairs do indeed become physical. Bottom line...an affair is an affair and they are very hurtful to the betrayed spouse regardless of how they are conducted. I like what you wrote here. I agree with what you say that an emotional affair is often worse than a ONS. It always raises my hackles when someone refers to an EA as 'just an emotional affair.' I think the impact of one spouse's emotional affair on the marriage is often underestimated. With that said, then why do so many posters here immediately jump to 'oh yeah, it must have gone physical,' whenever there is an emotional affair? It kind of reinforces 'the EA is no big deal' mindset. OP, sorry for the t/j. Please take what you are reading on this thread into consideration but draw your own conclusions. I think checking out the parking lot for your wife's car is a good idea. I know it stinks to have to follow up on your wife like this but at least you will have a better idea of her honesty.
stuckinoz Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 That being said, is an emotional affair truly any "better" than a sexual one? Bottom line...an affair is an affair and they are very hurtful to the betrayed spouse regardless of how they are conducted. Yes you're right - just because spit isn't being swapped - Doesn't make it right. Spilling your guts to a 3rd party outside your marriage is wrong. What I did was wrong. BUT - there are many here that think it's impossible to keep it on a "friendly" level. That they ALWAYS turn into Physical Affairs - which just isn't the case. I just say: BE SURE it's an emotional affair & not just a close friendship. It is possible for women & men to be JUST FRIENDS. (Although I don't have any male friends that aren't my husbands friends as well )- so it could be a bit fishy As far as the open marriage option...ironically my ex proposed the same thing to me. At the time she claimed that her and the other guy were just friends but she was having sexual feelings for him. So since the OP here is the one that is suggesting Open Marriage - Does that mean that he too has had an affair? (OP: Have you had any inappropriate relationships with women outside your marriage??) Is it always the person involved in the throngs of the affair that is the one that suggests an Open Marriage in order to C.Y.A.? I too think snoop. If you don't like what she's up to - then check it out for yourself. Make sure what you suspect is true before you start tossing around accusations. Good Luck..........I for one hope you're wrong.
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