love one day, gone the next

[bman84]

2.5 years of marriage... everything absolutly great, my best friend. we spoke about everything and had many plans for the future. im 26 she is turning 30. it was textbook.

 

mid-way through jan she went out a couple nights with the girls... she was home really late and it was hard for me to get in contact with her. this was never normal so i got a bit upset and didnt talk to her until she came home from work the next day, but once again she came home late. then she told me - i think i would be better off alone. i was absolutely shocked but she was not... she was barely emotional.

 

during the following week she seemed to keep her distance from me. worked overtime, out to dinner with friends, etc.. just keeping busy so she wouldnt have to see me. she would still come home every night and we would talk breifly but she just kept insisting that she would be better off on her own. we agreed that she would stay a couple of weeks with a friend so she could clear her head... she did that, and thats when i pretty much confirmed my worst fears.

 

during those couple of weeks she wouldnt answer my calls much, and when she did she was very rude to me and would barely give me the time of day. i was trying to do everything, writing her letters, taking her to dinner, sending her flowers, etc... but nothing would work. i broke down a couple of times and she came around to comfort me but told me to get a grip, "i dont love you anymore, you have to get over it".

 

i eventually managed to check out her phone bill... i was shocked to discover a number that she was messaging and calling hundreds of times for the past month. i rang the number to confirm if it was a guy or not - it was - and then i confronted her about it. she got very defensive and told me it was a friend from work and absolutely nothing was going on. she also got upset that i checked the phone bill in the first place.

 

since then she has wanted nothing to do with me... but lately she has been ok since i am moving out of the place we were renting. she will talk to me about finalising things between us... but she simply will not talk about 'us' anymore. the thing is she is telling me she is blessed we can still be friends... she still insists there is nothing going on, she just wants her own life and not have the responsibility of being in a relationship. she also blames me for everything, basically saying that she cannot stand the way i am about things... she recalls particular moments when i wasnt at my best... but still, this is the first time ive heard it was such a problem.

 

i want to beleive her, but the signs are pointing to an affair and she is just making excuses to justify her actions. the thing is she knows i know who it is, and one day the truth will come out. she must realise that if she is willing to throw everything away for this guy and lie to me in the process, i will find out one day and i will loose any remaining respect i have for her.

 

im not sure how to deal with it... i know no matter what i need to move on, but she will still be in my life somewhat. she told me she didn't want to socialise with me right now and it would take a few months maybe before we could. this is a major wakeup call to the issues with myself, big or small which i will work to fix... but she will not even give me a chance to do so. all of my friends that know me are telling me that its not my fault.. they know im a great guy and it she that has changed and wanted other things.

 

i miss her so much and cannot get over her. i cant stop thinking about her and i dream about her every night... i wake up to reality and just feel depressed. im trying my best to keep busy and keep my mind off it but as soon as im alone and not doing anything i just cant help but think about her. any advice on how i can deal with this situation... i really want her back, i feel that i can forgive her for anything she has done. seriously it was like we were so in love one day, and heading for a divorce the next.

[The Paper Knight]

Sorry bro, this sounds like a real crap situation.

 

You want the tough love - then cut the b$tch loose and go full NC.

 

If the cheating thing will help you with the divorce then hire a PI otherwise YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

 

You will feel now that the whole world hates you and your life is over, but never forget you are your own person and there are many, many, many more people that are worse off than yourself.

 

Good-luck

[Church Bells]

I know you don't want to hear this ... but the truth is you are only 26 years old with your whole life ahead of you. Short M, with no kids. Thank your lucky stars you found out early and can move on.

 

TRUST ME ... many of us have been exactly where you find yourself right now, plus we have the benefit of an additional 20+ years of wisdom. Women like your WW are a dime a dozen and not worth the effort of even attempting a recovery. They will be miserable their whole life, while they look for SOMEONE ELSE to make them happy.

 

The best thing you can do is read up on a plan called the 180. It will help you disconnect from your WW and start your life anew, while preserving your self-respect and dignity.

 

Also, it is natural to question yourself and I'm sure your ego has taken a hit ... SEND THE OM A THANK YOU CARD ... it will do wonders for YOU!!!

[OWoman]

bman, whether or not there is "someone else", she's made it clear she wants out. I'm not sure whether you'd find it easier or more difficult to accept if there was someone else, but whichever way - she's made the call to leave.

 

She's being honest with you and leaving the M, rather than keeping you hanging on hoping - at least you know where you stand and are not left thinking you have a future when she's already made up her mind to move on. It may be brutal, but it hurts less in the long run.

 

No one is saying you're not a great guy - but somethings things don't work out between people. Perhaps she's fallen for someone else, or perhaps she really did just need a friend to turn to while deciding whether or not to cut the ties to you. Either way, she's moving on... and you need to let her go. Whether or not you "fix yourself" and address whatever issues she expressed is your call - but you need to do it for YOU, not for her or for some hope of you perhaps getting together in the future. You need to be happy with who you are, and find your happiness with some woman who loves you for that - not in spite of that.

 

Hang in there.

[Jeff1962]

I'm not trying to be a prick here but, you should be doing farting cartwheels of joy right now.

 

She blames you for everything.

 

Cuts you off emotionally.

 

Is screwing another guy.

 

 

 

Grab your balls, remember those? Tell her to fu*k off and move on.

 

No more calls, no more flowers, no more dinners.

 

Use this time for yourself, enjoy yourself again. Go on a vacation to see old friends or something. I know you are hurting but now you know what you do not want in your next relationship.

[KikiW]

I apologize for the threadjack, but though I am averse to certain crude language, I literally laughed out loud at what you typed, Jeff1962.

 

OP, I am SO sorry things didn't work out, but she has made it pretty clear she is done with the relationship. I think what sucks more is that she thinks you're just fine and you two can be friends. Maybe you can, but if I were in your place I would be a carton of hate and a wedge of spite (sorry, Milk and Cheese ref for the comic book fans). I'm angry at her on your behalf!

 

Go NC, don't take her calls, do everything through the attorneys and let her have her guy "friend". Right.

[Disintegration]

I know it's painful right now but as time goes on you will feel a lot better and find someone who wont behave like her. It sure is a lot better finding out NOW than years later. There seems to be a lot of bad but look at the upside, you didn't devote endless years to discover what she's been up to. I know it is hard to move on, (I know we've all been there) it'll be hard to forget her you just have to believe this is for the best. You tried and she no longer wants to be with you, which is okay there is someone better suited for you, mark my words. In due time. Best of luck.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

YOU doing to her, what she is doing to you.

 

Think about it, would you be able to?

 

I don't think so, you still want her even AFTER what she has done.

 

You are a BETTER person.....although our egos are bruised, believe me...you deserve better.

 

If you are sure about the OM, inform his wife and the job.

[bman84]

thank you so much for the replies and support... i know you are all telling me pretty much the same thing, but i just want to add a couple of details.

 

i dont know about the other guys situation, im really guessing he is single. regarding my wife, she is the most caring and sweetest person i have ever met... all of this is totally out of character. theres a lot of other things going on lately that are out of character to... like she is going through a later quarter life crisis. if she is to be on her own she wont cope financially... she even said she would give up her much beloved dog and cats because there would be no room for them at her 1 bedroom apartment she will move into. other weird things she said lately was that she wanted to get a tattoo... i just cant understand why she is doing all of this... surely she cannot find so much immense happiness with another person. like i said, we were SO happy just a short while ago.

 

why does she say she still wants to be friends? if she had the guts to tell me about the other guy i would definitely not want to speak to her ever again, but right now all i have to go on is a fairly strong suspicion. i try to beleive her and understand that shes just wants a life without me as her partner, should i respect that? i know she is gone now, i just want to know how to deal with her... i dont think finding out the hows and whys is important anymore, but then again, it has only been such a short time this has all happened. i feel like i need to understand the exact reasons behind it all.

 

oh and what does NC and WW mean?

[bman84]

oh yes, one more important fact... our marriage was a secret, only a couple of close friends know about it.

 

i feel like calling her parents and telling them what their daughter has done to me... and signs are pointing to her being with another man. what do you think??

[seibert253]

NC = no contact

WW = wayward wife

FWW = former wayward wife

 

With my FWW, as with many, it's like space aliens abducted their souls, and replaced them with an exact opposite. It was like I was living with bizarro wife. You seem to be in the same boat.

 

If you leave your home or apt, it's over, I guarentee you that. She will have unfiltered access to the OM. Many will tell you cut and run, I say there is a time for that, but first you must fight with every being to win back your wife, (if that's what your want).

 

Game/War plan; pretty simple

A. Investigate and gather evidence

B. Confront (with evidence, if you have none, they will lie till they die)

C. Expose to everyone, family, friends, coworkers, whoever will listen.

D. 180, 180, then 180 some more. (this is for you, not her by the way)

E. Be a thorn in her side as far as the A goes. (you do not move out, if she wants to be on her own, she leaves not you)

F. If none of this works in ending the A and bringing her out of the fog, then contact an attorney and file for D.

 

Your wife is deep in the A fog right now. You need to disengage and pull back. Do not be there physically or emotionally for her. Up to now you've made alot of mistakes. Begging, pleading, letters, flowers, love poems, all this will do nothing but drive her further away.

 

BTW, the wanting to stay friends thing, that's just a guilt/concious coping mechanism. Helps them to not feel so bad about what she's doing to you and your marriage.

 

Good luck to you and keep us updated. We are all here for you.

Edited February 24, 2010 by seibert253

[fooled once]

I agree - she is involved with someone else and instead of being truthful, she has chosen to blame you -- which is pretty typical of selfish, self-centered people.

 

Why was the marriage a secret?

 

She is enjoying flirting, attention and maybe even "new" sex.

 

But, once she gets a taste of life alone, where someone else won't have her back ... she may realize she screwed up. when she does this - stand strong and do NOT let her wiggle back into your life.

 

She has no remorse or compassion for hurting you, which are pretty crappy qualities in a person.

 

When my marriage ended, I at least felt bad for my ex (even though there was no cheating at all). He is still human and he was shell-shocked that I had ended the marriage. I didn't like to see him hurt, even though he had hurt me so many times.

 

Grieve the marriage and know that the future will be MUCH better for you!!

 

GOOD LUCK

[troggleputty]

bman,

 

sorry about your situation but the answer is simple.

 

Dump the cheating skank, get divorced, move on.

 

YOU'RE ONLY 26!!!!!!

 

Don't waste any more time on this one.

 

CUT YOUR LOSSES!!!

[mark982]

bman, don't answer calls texts,e-mail, smoke signals. fall off the face of the earth. sure it will be tough. but your driving her away by being a wuss (sorry). going to have to reach down grab a handfull and move on .

[dazzle22]

I agree with Siebert. This is WAR, and I would leave the skank breathless with the ways I would take revenge on her cheating butt. Tell everyone, show her parents the certificate, blow her filthy game wide open, and then kick the door closed in her face.

 

Whenever someone does such a 180 so quickly, they have been cheating for awhile, and "faking it" with you, and when they have totally decided to pull the ripcord, that is when they get cold. It's never overnight, they've just been deceptive and hiding it.

[imagine]

oh yes, one more important fact... our marriage was a secret, only a couple of close friends know about it.

 

 

Why would anyone want to keep a marriage a secret? Ever?

[athurmon]

2.5 years of marriage... everything absolutly great, my best friend. we spoke about everything and had many plans for the future. im 26 she is turning 30. it was textbook.

 

Wow, your story is eerily similar to mine, which happened 6 years ago. We were married 3 years and in her case she was going overseas to visit family and friends a few times a year. One day she came back and said she wanted to spend the summer apart to clear her head and might possibly not be coming back. I, like you, was distraught, and she seemed to shrug it off. I did not know at this time that she was having an affair, as I thought everything was wonderful.

 

What you do not realize now, and that I did not realize until after, is once she has reached the point of just being able to walk out of your life with no feeling or regret, her mind is made up, and her emotions have been turned off. When I told my wife I didn't think this was acceptable and we needed to discuss this, she walked out of my life, never looking back, and I never heard from her again. I had to file for divorce on the grounds of abandonment.

 

This was a traumatic event, and I can still remember everything vividly as it was happening. I remember calling after her as she was walking way, asking her to turn around, say something, let me know what I could do. She kept walking and literally never looked back.

 

Your wife has thought this through and already made her decision. Her heart has already turned cold. There is really nothing you can do to bring her back, and once you start thinking rationally again, you will realize that you do not want her back: what she has done is outright cruel, and you do not want to be involved with somebody like that.

 

I wish I could give you some hopeful news, but the reality is, this will take a while to get over. It took me two years with counseling. And most of those two years I just kept questioning over and over how someone you loved can just turn off like that and walk out of your life. You will vacillate between anger, befuddlement, and despair remembering how great everything was.

 

If you have any questions, let me know, or can always PM me.

[Disintegration]

 

why does she say she still wants to be friends? if she had the guts to tell me about the other guy i would definitely not want to speak to her ever again, but right now all i have to go on is a fairly strong suspicion.

 

She probably still wants you to be "there" as a friend just in case it doesn't work out with the OM. Go with your suspicion! Believe me. She isn't going to come clean, it's better to go with your gut then to find out about this other guy a long time from now. I speak from experience, if I would have known then what I know now I NEVER would have spoken to my now H either. That would have been before marriage and children. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you, luckily there aren't children involved or it would be that much worse.

[carhill]

OP, some advice:

 

Be proactive. File for divorce, legally. Protect what life's work you have so far.

 

Make sure you protect yourself wrt your lease, since you're leaving. A lawyer can help you with that.

 

Spend some money and protect yourself and your future. Mobilize your support system. Go deep NC and let your lawyer talk to her about 'business'.

 

She wrote the check. Now she can cash it

[JaneInVegas]

Why would anyone want to keep a marriage a secret? Ever?

 

My first marriage was a secret for about 4 months. He wanted a quickie marriage here in Vegas, said he couldn't wait to marry me anymore. But he wanted a big fancy wedding in his hometown in Ohio. He was afraid if everyone knew we were already married they wouldn't bother driving a long ways to our second marriage.

 

Sorry for the thread jack

[JaneInVegas]

bman, I know the pain you're going through right now. It feels like your heart is full of razor blades. But you can't hold onto her against her will. Telling her parents isn't going to change anything, it will probably just make her angrier at you. I know where you're coming from though, you just want her parents to give her an 'emotional spanking'. Probably the most that would come out of it, is she would tell them how she wants to move on with her life, she isn't happy anymore. I would tell my daughter, in her 20's with no kids, "Go do whatever it takes to be happy. Life is too short."

 

She's telling you she wants to stay friends to try to make her exit as smooth and easy as possible.

 

I know these are not things you want to hear, but it's the truth. I've been through crap like this so many times it's not even funny. You just have to make up your mind to let her go. If she changes her mind, then great, you'll still have her if you want to try to fix things. But STOP TRYING so darned hard! You're just going to drive her away. If it's meant to be, you'll stay together. Good luck to you HUGS

[bman84]

im moving out tomorrow... she is moving back in until she finds something that would better suit her.

 

after having more talks and displaying all extremes of emotion, we have ended it on a mutual agreement that we still want eachother to be happy, but we are just not going to work out as partners for life. in time the emotional wounds will begin to heal and we can be friends again... if thats what we still want. she even told me that she would be extremely jelous if i was with another woman any time soon, which i thought was weird. i still love her so much i could never hate or hurt her, i just really want her to be happy but at the same time i cannot stand the thought of her being happy with someone else.

 

i know she still cares for me, but her heart is telling her something else, as she is falling in love with another man. i certainly hope it doesnt work out and she comes to her senses, but i guess its already too late. i wish i could just start all over again with her, like it was our first time together all over again... i would know exactly what to do to make it last forever.

[LucreziaBorgia]

i would know exactly what to do to make it last forever.

 

And the next woman who comes into your life, and shows you what love really is will be the one you want to give this gift to. Not your ex.

 

With time, you will hit a stage where things become brutally clear and that anger will set in. You'll be thankful that you are shed of your ex and more than likely you'll find plenty of reasons why there is no need whatsoever to be her 'friend'.

[Steadfast]

 

...after having more talks and displaying all extremes of emotion, we have ended it on a mutual agreement that we still want eachother to be happy, but we are just not going to work out...she even told me that she would be extremely jelous if i was with another woman any time soon

 

 

Call it gaslighting, cake eating or just plain messed up, this type of thinking is common for the walk-away. Mix equal doses of low self-esteem, vanity, a somewhat less than abundant measure of confidence and weak character and you have a person that both wants out of the marriage, yet wants the other to hang on indefinitely. Expect her to waffle and lie, expect her anger when you date, expect the unexpected. This shouldn't be a shock; she justified the adultery what's to keep her from justifying the rest?

 

Yes, I know you heaped glowing praise upon her for being a loving, amazing person, but sadly she's shown her true colors. Amazing people don't 'change their mind' after marriage; that's supposed to be the end of it. If there's the slightest doubt, the marriage should never happen. There was not for you, obviously, but for her there was. Is anyone else here doubting just how important proper pre-marriage dating and courtship is?

 

In time and with healing you'll come to the conclusion that, although you love her, you're probably better off. Time to set some boundries for you-

[bestplayer]

well i can't believe that u still want to remain friend in future when she's behaving like a crap . brother if u have even slight self respect u should kick her out of life to show that u can't stand a cheater as a friend .

 

best of luck