lovetorn Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I can't seem to get comfortable in this relationship. It's been 5 months now and we've been up and down. When we first started dating we both knew what might come of it but I don't know if either of us were ready. She is divorced and I was once engaged. Both our relationships ended pretty badly. I have since then been in several relationships that usually didn't last very long because I just didn't care to make them last. When I first started dating my girlfriend everything was exciting and new and we spent a lot of time together, I got along with her family and friends great. I started to care about her and didn't want to end the relationship there. I told her pretty early on that I loved her. She was very cool about it and told me she was falling more in love with me every day. I freaked out after I told her this and didn't get an answer back. I think the biggest issue was me realizing what I had said and what that meant to me being that I usually did not care about girls. Things got weird from then on for a few months. Finally I told her my issue was that I wasn't sure if I wanted to commit to the relationship so I was acting funny but I was ready to make it work out. Things continued to be weird for a while until she came to me saying she had the same issue and that she was over it. During this period we started hanging out less and less. Since then things have slowly gotten better. She's more talkative when I'm around her, we laugh and have a good time, and I feel a lot happier in some ways. The thing that really bothers me is I have to text or call her every time with a rare exception of her sending me a text if I don't text her. She never calls unless she missed(ignored?) my call and gets back with me. We still don't spend any more time together than we did when things were weird. She used to come see me about once a week and now she only comes to see me about once every other week if I'm lucky. This part of the relationship has not improved. Physical contact seems to have dwindled somewhat but our conversation has gotten better. A little background, she and I live about 45 minutes away and both have somewhat busy lives. Not so busy we couldn't spend more time together but busy enough to where every single day is not an option. I have met almost her entire family and they all love me. Even her parents and siblings absolutely love me. We are both of each others first "serious (without the I love you part)" relationship since our ex husband/fiance. Finally the question...I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one working on communication and making all the effort to see her. If things are improving in some aspects of the relationship does that mean we are making progress? Is there hope for us or is she going to slowly but surely push me away like she did when she was "freaking out"? I really just want to know if this sounds like something we can work through. What I don't want to do... Pressure her to feel some way she doesn't or isn't ready for Push her away although it's hard when I feel she's being distant Someone please give me some advice...I'm feeling like I'm at my wits end here. Do I give her more time? Do I pull out before I get any more emotionally attached and end up hurt? Thank you in advance for any help you give me.
The Paper Knight Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 What I don't want to do... Pressure her to feel some way she doesn't or isn't ready for Push her away although it's hard when I feel she's being distant Someone please give me some advice...I'm feeling like I'm at my wits end here. Do I give her more time? Do I pull out before I get any more emotionally attached and end up hurt? Thank you in advance for any help you give me. Take a big step back from this one. Sounds like you are trying and she is not. If you want to get some more hand back in this relationship then make her work for it. Either breakup with her; by telling her that she is not pulling her weight or just start avoiding her and see how desperate she gets. Most people miss something when it is no longer there. Both methods are hard, but somehow you have to get her attention. Good-luck
Neyla89 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I was wondering, was she always slack on replying to text and calls, or has this become recent after you have both discussed how you felt? Was she putting effort into communication before, or was it always you? Another thing, when she said she was "over it", was she talking about the relationship? If so, how did you patch it up. If you don’t mind me asking. Did you both agree on trying to make it work? I think you are definitely making progress if you notice some aspects of your relationship are improving. You should give her time, if she still makes you happy. As for communication, maybe just bring it up with her, if you're comfortable talking about it? I’m not sure if this is any help but I gave it a try, because some parts of your story relate to my relationship, especially the communication part.
Author lovetorn Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 I've given her some space but I'm afraid of giving her too much space and having it crash down on me. I know for her to have stuck it out through all the weird stuff and to be still with me there has to be something there. I'm impatient I'll admit, but I think I really just want some validation that I'm not wasting my time. I want to give her time if that's what she needs but she doesn't tell me what she needs. When we first started dating the texts were abundant and rapidly responded to. Lately she gets back with me pretty quick for the most part but sometimes waits a while. I understand she's got stuff going on and I don't get angry if she doesn't reply quickly. She just doesn't seem to reach out to me. I don't want to lose this girl when things are looking up...I mean some progress is good but I still feel something is missing. She didn't say she was over the relationship, she meant she was over the "funk" or "freakout". I keep thinking I need to continue being patient and things will continue to improve but I'm seriously struggling with having opened up to someone finally and having that be the thing that drove a wedge between us. It's so frustrating. Thanks for the replies, hopefully I gave enough information in mine.
Author lovetorn Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 because some parts of your story relate to my relationship, especially the communication part. How would you recommend me remedy this? One of my biggest fears is being the "always trying to fix the relationship" guy so I try not to talk about things until they drive me to the point that I feel I must. It feels like she feels something for me but is scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of getting too close and having a repeat of her divorce...I have tried to reinforce her but I don't know if it's working. Recently she told someone (while her sister was around) that she is dating this great guy who is really understanding and that she has a great time with me without all that "love stuff" as she so fondly put it haha. It made me feel great to hear that but at the same time it really pushes my buttons.
Neyla89 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I know for her to have stuck it out through all the weird stuff and to be still with me there has to be something there There you go, you've just answered it yourself. As long as your instincts tell you, there’s something there right? I know it can be frustrating not knowing where you stand with the other person. Listen, if you bring this up with her, you will not come across as "always trying to fix the relationship guy", don’t be afraid to express your feelings and concerns. Don't declare your love, but next time casually just through conversation bring up the two of you, if she’s hesitant about talking, it might be too soon? Because this woman has gone through a divorce, so like you mentioned she might still be scared of the whole "love stuff" and not wanting to get hurt. What’s missing is that communication, that understanding of where you stand with her. You both need to be on the same page of the relationship, for your mind to be at ease right? Seems like you’ve expressed yourself but haven’t gotten enough in return to convince you she want something out of it. I’ve responded to your post because her actions remind me of my own, so I’m relating it to my relationship, the guy I’m seeing let me know it takes two for a relationship to work, and recently I picked up the slack because he ended up texting “ are you still interested, you’re becoming distant”. As for the texts and calls, just tell her casually, if she takes a while to reply, let her know its a peeve, or joke about it.(I mentioned the communication part is the same with my relationship- once again he hinted it but through a joke, haha I got the idea) I didn’t realize it bothered him, so I made an effort to text back and call him, not just return missed calls. It may sound harsh, but I suppose when you know you've got them, you don't try as hard anymore after a while? But don’t get me wrong I was smitten, I just knew he liked me as much as I liked him so you take it a little easier after. Recently she told someone (while her sister was around) that she is dating this great guy who is really understanding and that she has a great time with me without all that "love stuff" as she so fondly put it haha See, she obviously has feelings for you, she's gushing how great you are to aquintances. I know that its pushing your buttons because you want that reassurance shes into you, as much as you have expressed you're into her. The only way you'll find out where you stand is if you bring it up with her. Just dont make it serious, be casual, joke about it? Whenever my bf knows its a touchy subject ( usually ones about us two and future and what not) he uses his sense of humour and it works. One of my biggest fears is being the "always trying to fix the relationship" guy so I try not to talk about things until they drive me to the point that I feel I must. Overcome it! It's not a big deal wanting to know whats going on, whether you're wasting your time, but all signs show shes just taking it easy, maybe waiting for you to make that first move on where things are going, you'll never know for sure until you at least get some feedback from her. Sorry if it doesn't help at all. Ive just been repeating myself, but at least its one point of view Good luck, and dont get so frustrated, shes obviously still around and does want you in her life. If she wasnt intersted she would be more obvious
make me believe Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 This seems like way too many problems for such a young relationship. Why bother? At this stage you two should be (mutually) excited about each other, not fretting about poor communication, analyzing each other's moves, and wondering how the other feels. She should want to see you more than every other week. Especially if she is supposedly in love with you. (???) I think she's either not interested and doesn't know how to tell you, OR she just has too many walls up and it will take a LOT of time & effort to break through them.
boogieboy Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Take a big step back from this one. Sounds like you are trying and she is not. If you want to get some more hand back in this relationship then make her work for it. Either breakup with her; by telling her that she is not pulling her weight or just start avoiding her and see how desperate she gets. Most people miss something when it is no longer there. Both methods are hard, but somehow you have to get her attention. Good-luck Im gonna re-iterate this, you have to step back and let her miss you. You arent letting her miss you and she doesnt have to work when she knows you will keep after her. GIVE HER THE SPACE. She is already losing interest because you wore your heart on your sleeve too soon. If it crashes down on you, then she was too far gone anyway. You will have to risk taking the loss. Youre driving her away anyway. Dont call her at all, let her look for you. Let her THINK she is losing you. DDo it while youre ahead before she breaks it off, or starts seeing someone else. That WILL happen if you keep up like this.
Author lovetorn Posted February 24, 2010 Author Posted February 24, 2010 I broke the habit of not wanting to be the talk about the relationship guy. I told her how I feel in a very casual way. I let her know I was missing her and that I wanted to hang out more. I even let her know it would be nice to hear from her every now and then. She was very receptive of everything and agreed to try to see each other more. Once the ball got rolling I was able to talk about a few other things like our lack of physical contact. Turns out she is not a really big affection person but she thinks I'm uncomfortable being affectionate in public. I told her I had been feeling that it made her uncomfortable so I just didn't try. So basically it all boils down to communication like you said. I was able to calmly discuss my issues and she listened and reciprocated. Thank you all for the advice and help. Looks like things are moving forward again
Neyla89 Posted February 24, 2010 Posted February 24, 2010 (edited) The worst thing you could do is ignore her, as boogieboy mentioned. Dont let her think she's losing you, that will just make the situation worse and create unnecessary misunderstandings. Just be honest with her. Good you got over it and talked! Im happy for you..hope all goes well Best of luck Edited February 24, 2010 by Neyla89
Recommended Posts