why does she get to be happy?

[bruce wayne]

so wow, im on my third thread. i didn't think i'd have to do this but i guess i really just need the support. if you havent read my other posts. i was with a girl for like 3 years that pretty much lied from the beginning to me. she created fake myspaces, lied about her age and flirted with other guys on myspace. everytime i confronted her she would either dump me or if i tried to talk about it she'd run away. so watever...i go nc and then here comes the late night texts from her begging to talk to me...apologizing. i feel i cant trust her and have to check up on her. she says im "controlling" becuase of this. so i decided to try one last time to talk it out with her becuase i think if maybe we can stop the cycle of her leaving and going if we sat down...she pulls away more. she's treating me like im the one who lied or possibly cheated, ignoring me, etc etc. so i leave her alone again...she comes back and we're "working on things." she tells me she's busy, i try to be understanding, patient. come to find out she was talking to someone else...while she was telling me she loves me. now she's with this guy...doing everything that i wanted from her, like not talking to her exes (me now) and putting up pics of him and her on her profile. she says she never thought she could get over me but he's helping her. does anybody else not see how f'd up and confusing this is?! she wants to get over me for what? catching HER lying and feeling like i need to check on her? how the hell does she get to be happy with someone else like days after we "broke up?" ....im a mess. somebody please explain

[The Paper Knight]

She sounds like a complete sociopath. This bad behavior has already rubbed off onto you and now you are damaged, so run NOW before you get really messed up. Don't try to work her out as it will take too much time and a psychology degree to do so.

 

Some people are just messed up. You can't fix them and they will just hurt you.

 

Delete everything and go complete NC.

[Getting_stronger]

I ahve to agree with the above post mate. She sounds sort of unstable and seriously in need of some attention management. You deserve the love and support you seem so capable of giving.

 

Let her text you babe, you are moving on up

[Sadbutrelieved]

Let her move on and work on yourself. Try to stop thinking about her being "happy" because with people like this, there's nothing you can do. She may seem happy now, but unless she makes some improvements she's going to end up doing the same thing to him. You don't want to be in the middle of it. People like this will keep you hanging on as long as they can just to feed their ego. My ex is the same way. He would make me feel guilty for catching him in lies and other unsavory behavior. You can't win with this type of person and you might as well let them go spread their misery elsewhere and work on getting your own life back. There are plenty of women out there who are looking to find one special person without all the childish games.

[DustySaltus]

She'd rather RUN away from her problems then confront them. It's very easy to start a relationship with someone new and make your ex out to be a psycho. But in time the honeymoon period goes away and her true colors will come out again. Unless this guy is a complete doormat he will see her for what she is and the vicious cycle continues. As soon as he calls her out on it....on to the NEXT victim.

 

Don't think it's because of anything you did. You saw her for what she really was and she panicked. Don't think she's going off to live happily ever after now..........it's a PHASE.

 

Regardless, she's not the type of person you need in your life. After all, you are Bruce Wayne so you should be able to get the best Gotham has to offer anyway. There was a reason why you saw the things you did. Go out and have fun and work on yourself. Good luck.

[bruce wayne]

thanks for your replies guys

[iheartboobs]

Dude, you're effin' Batman, smack that crazy bitch with a bat-a-rang and move on.

[aimchase]

Bruce, I have the same situation. Only I married her!

 

I knew she had a tendency to get dirty with people online when we first met, and also uncovered a whole barrow of lies and deceit. Like others have said here, when you unearth the truth, they jump on your back, saying that you're prying into their lives, not trusting them, and are controlling. Their defence mechanism is to attack and get aggressive, to make you feel bad for questioning them. It's a reverse psychology and because they live in that sort of world, it comes naturally to them.

 

I even spoke to my ex online a few months ago, on a made up ID. She told me that her ex (i.e, me) had an affair and that I was a complete b*****d. She said she was so loyal and that I destroyed her. It was all complete rubbish, i've never cheated on anybody. She then started getting dirty with me out of the bue.

 

It's also correct that these people will jump into the next relationship because they're runners. They cannot and will not accept their faults, nor look to address them. It's far easier to leave a problem behind than address it.

 

The only thing is though, they never find long term happiness because they can't stop themselves making the same mistakes. They refuse to deal with their inner issues, so it becomes a cyclical behaviour which always leads to them being mistrusted and becoming unhappy.

 

I know its tough. I have two children with my ex and am in the process of getting a divorce going. Despite all the problems, I still have great feelings for her and I just WISH they'd go away. However, I know that the path to long term happiness lies with someone who I can trust implicitly. It should be the same for you.

 

She could have all manner of issues - bi-polar, personality disorder etc, its likely to be something but until/unless she comes to accept it (and they rarely do), her life will be one screw up after the next. It's not your problem! You're lucky if you don't have kids to worry about, like I do!

 

Move away from it and enjoy your own life away from the deceit.

[Beolf]

I'd just like to touch on what aimchase said abut them being runners. I'm in the exact same position. She left a guy 4-5 days before I met my ex, he was always text messaging her sayng he missed her etc etc.. Now she is doing it to me, she was on the hunt for another guy days after leaving me.

 

Runners is a good term, they will settle for anything as long as they are not alone, then when the honeymoon stage is over, they are gone to the next.

 

Sad really!

[Perhaps]

Dude, you're effin' Batman, smack that crazy bitch with a bat-a-rang and move on.

 

Hahah, word.

 

I'm in a poetic mood so here goes my metaphor...

 

Remember Dark Knight? How Alfred explains to Bruce that some people just do things for the heck of it - they have no real motive.

 

Well, I'm Alfred and I'm telling you that this girl (who we shall refer to as the Joker) is just trying to confuse you.

 

She is confused herself. But, if what you say is true and that you tried your best, it's time to let it be, suck it up and move on. No ill feelings toward her, no anger, no regret.

 

 

Best,

[just1guy]

My ex is also a serial runner and she's got it so bad that she even told me during her "it's not you, it's me / I'm meant to be single" speech that someday, she'll end up just settling with someone. Wow, what an awesome way to find a husband.

 

Anyways, a couple of weeks we broke up, she's already gotten a new bf. We lasted two years, which she admitted was the longest relationship she's ever had. I think we tried to be stable, but in the end, her true self showed and she pretty much couldn't handle the stability of a normal relationship.

 

She's so addicted to the chase and drug of the honeymoon phase, that this new guy is not only older than me, but he's divorced, has two kids, and is pretty much a drinker and gambler. She's so into the honeymoon phase, that she's already into the kids and has bought car seats for them!! This after telling me she doesn't want kids for at least five years (shes in mid-20s, in college, has a full time job).

 

She's even tried to change like you said. I confronted her before we broke up, over her fb with guys flirting because she always kept it "single" and no pics of us, she even was part of a forum where she was VERY active and had guys all over her there too. Now she's totally deleted her forum account, her fb pic is of them two, and she's changed her relationship status to be with the guy.

 

Oh well, she'll never learn because she hasn't spent the time between her relationships to learn from them, and she'll just move on and I am so fortunate that I was freed from the basket case.

 

During the past month, I've spent countless days in your position saying the exact same thing, but you gotta tell yourself that it's nothing you could do or did that would've changed the outcome. This is how she is. Consider yourself lucky that you found out now rather than later.

 

I leaned on some really good friends and co-workers and honestly, they all tell me that I am sooo lucky to find out now about her true colors. I owe them everything for saving me from my depressed, defeatist state.

 

Trust me. You just gotta take it one day at the time.

 

Remember, don't focus so much on the door that's closed behind you, or you'll never see the door opening in front of you.

Edited February 24, 2010 by just1guy

[Getting_stronger]

I like the term runners. You are right. Run, have fun, stuff needs dealing with, run again. Never happy, never really loved.

[GrayClouds]

how the hell does she get to be happy with someone else like days after we "broke up?" ....im a mess. somebody please explain

 

Despite any outward experience she may show, the last thing this girl is, is happy.

 

Focus on your happiness not hers.

[DustySaltus]

As I've said in the past "Let the runners keep running"....i'm tired.

[aimchase]

I like the term runners. You are right. Run, have fun, stuff needs dealing with, run again. Never happy, never really loved.

 

Not just that. You soon learn that their entire motive is not who they can love and who can love them back (i.e, to share a life together), but it is all based around what they get out of it. They can make the other person feel special for some time because they get want they want back in return, but as soon as that person stops fulfillng their insecure needs, they're off. Hence the honeymoon periods.

 

It's all based around insecurity, low self-esteem, and a constant refusal to recognise the problem being their own. Instead, they'll insist that the fault is their partners, or ex partners when looking at the inevitability.

[Sadcakesleo]

Dude you should be happy about this. Later on down the road you will be like "damn thats one f**ked up broad" She may be happy now but s**t will eventually hit the fan. She is not working on herself just bringing all her problems on some poor guy. Go NC right now. It will be hard.delete her as a friend on fb. You will never heal if you don't. good luck bro.

[bruce wayne]

first off i wanna say THANK YOU for the replies!!! knowing that i'm not alone and that others have been through this has made my day! i posted this up and thought i'd only get a few replies...definetly pleasantly suprised.tomorrow will be 3 weeks of nc. nc is never really a problem with me...you do something wrong, i'll confront u and leave u alone until u learn your lesson. she knows this. my only problem with her is i would take her back when she came back crying, voicemails and stuff. i knew she told lies, i knew she flirted, hid things. i can only assume worse happened. i guess i wanted to help her... but trying to help her made me lose myself and look now...she's with someone else. i think that this is the only weakness that i have in the situation because i feel like she has the upper hand because she left, has someone new and appears to be happy while i was the one who dealt with the bs that came from her trying to build a relationship. trying to help and understand. ehhh...i'm done with that now. my life goes on. today i did some deleting and already feel better.

[Rearden Metal]

Keep strong, man. Let her go, you were way too good for that one.

[aimchase]

Honestly Bruce - these people have a happy exterior for periods of time and much of it is a relief as they feel they've 'escaped' from the position that they trapped themselves in. But as I said before, the behaviour is cyclical and it ALWAYS returns.

 

The next man will think he's onto a diamond for a while, then the devious character will slowly out itself and questions will be asked. Boom! The trust fades and she's back where she started.

 

In the long run you'll be the happier person. You don't carry the issues that she does.

[pureinheart]

so wow, im on my third thread. i didn't think i'd have to do this but i guess i really just need the support. if you havent read my other posts. i was with a girl for like 3 years that pretty much lied from the beginning to me. she created fake myspaces, lied about her age and flirted with other guys on myspace. everytime i confronted her she would either dump me or if i tried to talk about it she'd run away. so watever...i go nc and then here comes the late night texts from her begging to talk to me...apologizing. i feel i cant trust her and have to check up on her. she says im "controlling" becuase of this. so i decided to try one last time to talk it out with her becuase i think if maybe we can stop the cycle of her leaving and going if we sat down...she pulls away more. she's treating me like im the one who lied or possibly cheated, ignoring me, etc etc. so i leave her alone again...she comes back and we're "working on things." she tells me she's busy, i try to be understanding, patient. come to find out she was talking to someone else...while she was telling me she loves me. now she's with this guy...doing everything that i wanted from her, like not talking to her exes (me now) and putting up pics of him and her on her profile. she says she never thought she could get over me but he's helping her. does anybody else not see how f'd up and confusing this is?! she wants to get over me for what? catching HER lying and feeling like i need to check on her? how the hell does she get to be happy with someone else like days after we "broke up?" ....im a mess. somebody please explain

 

First of all if you think she is happy, think again...how can ANYONE be happy lying like this.

 

Second of all, good ridence.

 

I feel bad for her because she is lost and confused, the only confusion you are facing is the confusion SHE brought....now you must deal with not allowing this to happen again with anyone and delve into those areas that attracted you to such a person.

 

I am going through this also, although some of the dynamics are different, still the same thing...the lying and cheating.

 

This sounds like the dynamics of "gaslighting" someone....there is a gaslighting thread on the OM/OW forum...it might be a page or two over...it's good reading and it might explain a lot as to what you are going through. I suggest reading the thread rather than looking it up on the web as the descriptions are much better from the people in their own words and experiences in this thread.

 

(((((((hugggssss))))))

[skydiveaddict]

how the hell does she get to be happy with someone else like days after we "broke up?" ....im a mess. somebody please explain

 

 

No way to explain it my friend. Like the song says, it's "Heart Break Warfare", and she won. All You can do is stay away. I wish you well.