tfb500 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Ok so first post, would appreciate any help yall have to offer! A little about myself. I'm a college aged male. I have been hooking up/dating with a girl for about a year and a half now, and I'm having some trouble with her. When we first met, which was last year, we hooked up and hung out very regularly, and things were great except for a few things. However, I know how girls work, and I very rarely opened up to her because I didn't want to seem like I cared too much. She seemed to do the same thing, as we are both people who like to be in control, yet we were both still very very close, and basically were bf/gf this entire time. One issue, though (which I never had with any other girl), was that because I liked her so much, I often found myself having anxiety issues when it came to having sex (not anything else, just sex). She was often quite upset at this but was supportive. Fast forward to this year (schoolyear), and we both got 10000 times busier. With our busy schedules, we stopped seeing and hooking up with each other as often, especially during the school week, which we used to do a couple times a week. At one point I even went in to kiss her goodnight after not having seen her for some weeks only to have her turn her cheek. After that, I got pretty angry and somewhat broke contact with her for some time. She began texting/calling me asking me if everything was ok, but I tended to act like I didn't care about her. Even the few times we did hang out and watch a movie, she seemed to not want anything to do with me sexually. I was pretty angry at this as I had told her clearly I was not capable of being "just friends" with her. Eventually, near the end of the semester, I took her to a formal dance, where we both got really drunk and hooked up. We woke up hungover and she told me she wanted to hang out that night, which we did. after pissing her off the following weekend (basically told her i'd hang out with her and didn't), I convinced her to come watch a movie with me on the day before we went home for xmas break. After about an hour of trying to hook up with her, she suddenly turned around and began making out with me, quite aggressively. I stopped kissing her and asked her what made her change her mind and that I had been trying for months now, to which she replied, "NO! you haven't". anyways, we stayed up all night hooking/up talking and in the morning she took me to the airport, telling me to call her and not forget about her, etc. kissed her goodbye and left. Now here's the deal. since being back at school, i've hooked up with her almost every weekend, though never anything more than making out/feeling up and never sober. Every morning we lay in bed talking for a while but its weird since I was used to hooking up in the night and in the morning every time I spent the night. A few times I have gotten angry and decided to stop trying to hang out with her, only to have her text/call me a bunch. this past weekend, however, after agreeing to hang out at her friends 21st birthday, I ended up not showing up because I didn't want to go to the bar alone. (stupid, I know). she called me at 2 am to see where I was, and i tried to convince her to let me come over and watch a movie to which she responded, you missed your chance tonight. haha, go me. Now, reading this it might seem as if I'm a complete ******* who ignores her all the time and stands her up on the regular, but in reality its so hard for me to tell if she really cares/wants anything. She constantly tries to act like she doesn't. She seems very upset when I don't try, but I don't try because she doesn't always seem to reciprocate when I do. This last friday I saw her at a bar. She said hi to me then began ignoring me and talking to two other guys instead. Angry, I decided to hit on the first girl I saw, and got her to buy me drinks, etc. After 30 minutes of doing this, she comes running to me, starts crying and runs out of the bar. She was clearly not anywhere near sober but I can't tell if she was truly jealous or what. So as I see it, there are two things I can do right now: 1) keep things the way they are. I really love this girl and though I have never told her, I don't want to loser her. I can keep playing this "game", but it seems to be getting rediculous after a year and a half and only seems to be getting worse (though it usually seems to go in cycles) 2) Somehow talk to her and tell her how I really feel. like I said, I'm sick of the game playing because it's really messing with my head, though i try to act like I don't care. I realize the reason I had so much anxiety with her with sex is the same reason I try to act like I don't care: because I don't want to find out I'm not good at having a girlfriend/steady relationship and because for some reason, I'm really scared of failure and/or her not liking me. She has constantly told me (back when we used to hook up more regularly) that I need to work on my communication skills, and that its much easier to talk things through than it is to keep them pent up inside, but for some reason I've always thought it better not to show her all my cards. What do you think I should do? Sorry if this was a little long.
counterman Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 I think if you want the relationship to be rid of all these mind games, you have to set the example first by stopping it. I'm not saying you have to show your emotions strongly but do show that you care. You have to give yourself over to her in a way because, if you don't, what's the point of being together? You'll always be scared in one way or another, whether it's being scared of failure or not; it just wouldn't work. You can always start somewhere with effective communication, so use this opportunity to begin. My advice is to just talk to her and ask her how she feels about certain things. It's not healthy to play games back and forth. Talk about where the both of you can improve i.e. initiating and reciprocating affection, meeting up, etc. and make suggestions what you can do yourself. If you aren't sure about anything, ask her how she feels about it. This shows that you do value her opinion and do understand she has needs as well.
BellaMoon Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Life is too short and you've known her for long enough to be honest and let her know how you feel. I'd make sure you both weren't drinking and it was a comfortable/private setting to let her know. Good luck!
minniezz Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Lol...i dont get it Tfb(i ll call you T for short). Well 1st of all, i think she really likes you, and so do u. Why you keep acting like you dont care at all ? Seriously,in my opinion, if you keep acting this way, it will get worse...maybe someday, she will find some other guys that maybe doesn't love her as much as you do but he DOES tell her how he feels and she might fall for him...And that will destroy everything you have built so far. Dude, love is not a game, if you love someone,love 'em with all of your heart, if you dont, don't force. Good luck
BG1985 Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 This is why games suck. If you like a girl you've got to let her know. If she likes you back, then things are great and you're in. If she doesn't like you, she never will and she'll save you the time and effort by distancing herself from you.
meerkat stew Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 If you want this kind of angst gone from your life for good, start a dating mentality as opposed to just hooking up with women. Have set times to do set things and then focus on other aspects of your life and goals when apart. You are playing her game, she has complete control over your relationship, and uses it ruthlessly to manipulate you and keep you off-balance. It is your choice whether to allow it to continue, but based on what you type, you seem tired of this kind of half-relationship and the confusion it brings to your life. You have a clear choice here.
Author tfb500 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Seriously, thanks a ton guys. Yall have been a lot of help. I plan on trying to get her in some sort of intimate environment thursday night, as I'm leaving next week to go on spring break. I was thinking of trying to convince her to come over and watch a movie before we/she goes out for the night, that way we'll be sober and clear-headed, but first I wanted to take her to grab a bite to eat or something. It's usually a crapshoot if she'll say yes to hanging out with me but I've tended to have better luck on nights before I leave to go out of town.
Author tfb500 Posted February 23, 2010 Author Posted February 23, 2010 Also, one more thing. Being that I don't want to push her away by trying to hard, how often should I send her random texts? we used to do it basically every day last year when we were hanging out more often, but it's much rarer now. Should I start showing more affection to her by calling her things like babe, etc? Thanks!
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