Being dramatic?

[JessaL]

I would like people's thoughts on the following. I'm going to try to be very honest about the FACTS, rather than just giving my own POV.

 

I saw my b/f this weekend, and one night we met up with one of my girl friends and her b/f for drinks. My b/f hasn't met this particular friend before. She is very good looking, very outgoing, and very outrageous (she likes to try to shock people).

 

We ended up just sitting at a table in a small bar with live music (but quiet enough to talk). By the end of the night I was starting to get really angry/annoyed because [it seemed to me] that the drunker my b/f got, he was only engaging my friend - he was only looking at her, only talking to her, moving his chair to be more directly across from her, etc. There was a good 10 minutes almost where they were joking back and forth about something and there was no way for her b/f and me to get involved in that conversation. I never felt like he was flirting with her. Yet, I was really annoyed at the apparent tunnel vision.

 

My normal reaction would have been to sulk, and then later on when we were alone pick a fight about it. I rarely would do more than sulk a tiny bit, but in this case I do think I would have picked a fight. Instead, when I felt the sulk coming on, I took a break - took a walk to the bathroom, took a minute to calm down, took those feelings off the table (thanks everyone!).

 

Drama and bad feelings successfully averted. However, the next day my b/f made a few comments that started to bring up these feelings again for me. I started getting annoyed, felt like picking a fight, wishing I hadn't introduced them (I did not act on these feelings, and there was no outward sign that I was feeling or thinking any of this). Again, since I never felt he was flirting, I think it's probably not a big deal, and there's no point in bringing it up now - the time has passed if I was ever going to say something about this.

 

Can anyone help me with this? Thoughts? If anyone thinks knowing what the comments were would help, just ask.

[BG1985]

Your boyfriend was being inappropriate. You should definitely say something to him about it. There's a chance he may not know he was in the wrong. Either way it's wrong for your boyfriend to ignore you for your hot friend.

[JessaL]

Your boyfriend was being inappropriate. You should definitely say something to him about it. There's a chance he may not know he was in the wrong. Either way it's wrong for your boyfriend to ignore you for your hot friend.

 

To be fair to him, he wasn't ignoring me in favor of her the entire night. Toward the end of the night I started to feel that way (and for some reason I wasn't feeling the drinking, it was just making me tired), so while I wasn't quiet, I wasn't exactly gregarious and outgoing either - which could have something to do with it. My b/f also engaged with her b/f quite a bit throughout the night.

 

The next day I did comment on it, in a very roundabout and conversational way. I said something like: It seemed like he really hit it off with my friend, because of how much he had engaged with her. He said he hadn't realized that, and asked if that had made me mad. I'm not sure if he asked that because he wanted to make sure I wasn't mad or if it was because he was going to get mad at me if I said yes it had made me mad.

 

I said "I didn't think you were flirting with her" and he said something about wanting to make sure he talked to my friends, instead of being quiet, or something like that.

[BG1985]

This doesn't seem like it's too much of a big deal then.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Are we to guess that it was your boyfriend's sole response to what we'll imagine was something akin to a smoke signal that brought this woman around on this particular night?

 

 

Unless that is the case, you brought your hot friend around, got your boyfriend drunk, and then wish to blame him entirely for anything that went on.

 

Why is it that if you were the male, and your boyfriend were the female who ended up "drunk", it would be comfortably said that YOU somehow GOT him drunk?

 

If indeed "her boyfriend" was there too, then you should have been monitoring his vibes for understanding as to whether this friend of yours was well within her norm. A bold response from you would have been to keep engaging her boyfriend at the time.

 

Sidestepping the sulking part is something that should be your next goal, over time.

 

If two couples end up out together, most meeting for the first time, there is simply going to be an uneven connection one way or another, and some of that you just have to live with. In the case of this friend you described in detail, it was most likely that she was going to be the center of attention.

 

 

In summary, yes, your boyfriend was insensitive, but in his defense he was drunk, and I just don't know that this warrants anything beyond dropping the whole issue.

[JessaL]

OH, and this is actually one of the comments he made that started making me feel dramatic again.

 

When I said that I hadn't thought he was flirting with my friend he said "Good. I wouldn't want her to think I was flirting with her." Good answer! No problems there. But then he had to continue: "She obviously is used to guys flirting with her and I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction."

 

This is where I started to be a little like wtf. I couldn't exactly pinpoint why I felt this way, and maybe (or probably) it's all just in my head (me being dramatic).

 

But. When he said that, for some reason, I felt like it was a PUA kind of comment, like he was thinking about his game with my friend. Like, because he correctly picked up on the fact that she likes/needs attention from guys he didn't want to be like other guys, so that he would make an impression on her and hook her.

[BG1985]

Being drunk is no excuse.

[JessaL]

I disagree with part of your post, but I don't feel that addressing that particular point will contribute to this post, so I'm going to ignore it, unless other posters chime in on the same thing.

 

If indeed "her boyfriend" was there too, then you should have been monitoring his vibes for understanding as to whether this friend of yours was well within her norm.

I didn't want a super long OP, but he actually isn't her b/f; he's the guy she's been sleeping with for several months. She refuses to commit to any other relationship with him. She spent a good chunk of the night picking on him, berating him, and even going so far as to talk about what great sex she had with her last b/f, and how in love she is with another guy who won't date her. If she wasn't berating her "b/f" she was ignoring him.

 

I know my friend very well, and that is how she normally acts with guys. She has issues, and she needs attention. If she brought an actual b/f, or at least a guy she really liked, she wouldn't have acted the way she had.

 

A bold response from you would have been to keep engaging her boyfriend at the time.

I agree, and I did think about this. However, I was sitting across from him, and between the music and the fact that my b/f and my friend were already talking across the table to each other, it just wasn't possible.

 

I instead opted to very loudly interrupt and change the subject so we could all be involved in the conversation again.

 

Sidestepping the sulking part is something that should be your next goal, over time.

You missed it - I did sidestep the sulking part this time. I was pretty happy with myself.

 

If two couples end up out together, most meeting for the first time, there is simply going to be an uneven connection one way or another, and some of that you just have to live with. In the case of this friend you described in detail, it was most likely that she was going to be the center of attention.

This is a really good point that I hadn't considered.

 

 

In summary, yes, your boyfriend was insensitive, but in his defense he was drunk, and I just don't know that this warrants anything beyond dropping the whole issue.

I think I've been pretty fair in seeing this from his side, or at least another side besides my own I am dropping this issue with him (which I think I also stated); it won't come up again, but I'm really trying to work through my proclivity for drama.

 

Because I tend to be that way, I do have a somewhat difficult time trying to determine when something should really be an issue, and when it's just me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I know my friend very well, and that is how she normally acts with guys. She has issues, and she needs attention. If she brought an actual b/f, or at least a guy she really liked, she wouldn't have acted the way she had.

 

 

 

I still question whether it was a mere smoke signal from across town that brought this friend you know very well and your boyfriend together on this night.

 

 

Had I been the one who brought them together, then I could claim that I had no idea as to her ways.

 

 

It's something you should just drop, for your own sake, and at least consider all the details before creating such a social outing next time.

[Kamille]

Glad you found ways to sidestep the situation and calm down.

 

He said he hadn't realized that, and asked if that had made me mad. I'm not sure if he asked that because he wanted to make sure I wasn't mad or if it was because he was going to get mad at me if I said yes it had made me mad.

 

 

See, his question seems like a perfect opportunity for honest communication. You have managed to stay in control of your emotions throughout, so you could have said that it didn't get you mad per se, but that it did make you feel left out. That you realized, however, that he wasn't flirting with her and that you are proud of yourself for not going into drama mode. (He's on your side remember?)

 

The comment about "not wanting your friend to think he was flirting"... I understand why it rubbed you the wrong way. I would have expected the conversation, at this point, to be about your relationship - not what your friend might or might not think of him. But at the same time, maybe he just means that he realizes your friend thrives on attention and doesn't dig that kind of thing. So I would let it slide. Plus, has he shown PUA behavior in any other aspects of your relationship?

[JessaL]

I still question whether it was a mere smoke signal from across town that brought this friend you know very well and your boyfriend together on this night.

 

 

Had I been the one who brought them together, then I could claim that I had no idea as to her ways.

 

 

It's something you should just drop, for your own sake, and at least consider all the details before creating such a social outing next time.

I understand what you're saying, but I disagree that this is "my fault" (so to speak); I think we are all responsible for our own actions, and I don't think there's any reason I shouldn't be able to introduce my b/f to one of my best friends, nor should he ignore me. My friend realized what was up and several times directed the conversation or made a statement to put focus on me. I don't think she or I should have to remind him to pay attention to me. And of course as soon as she and her b/f left, my b/f started behaving normal toward me again (another thing that had annoyed me during the night was the physical distance he was keeping from me; he is always somewhat physically affectionate when we're in public - holding hands, resting his hand on my leg, etc. The next day when we met up with another one of my girl friends he acted the same toward me as he always does.).

 

But, you offer a perspective I hadn't considered, so thank you for sharing.

 

Glad you found ways to sidestep the situation and calm down.

 

 

 

See, his question seems like a perfect opportunity for honest communication. You have managed to stay in control of your emotions throughout, so you could have said that it didn't get you mad per se, but that it did make you feel left out. That you realized, however, that he wasn't flirting with her and that you are proud of yourself for not going into drama mode. (He's on your side remember?)

 

The comment about "not wanting your friend to think he was flirting"... I understand why it rubbed you the wrong way. I would have expected the conversation, at this point, to be about your relationship - not what your friend might or might not think of him. But at the same time, maybe he just means that he realizes your friend thrives on attention and doesn't dig that kind of thing. So I would let it slide. Plus, has he shown PUA behavior in any other aspects of your relationship?

 

You're right, I should've said something then. That's exactly what my sister told me when I told her about this. Maybe I'll get it next time!

 

Before we met he was very interested in PUA stuff (he's not a sleaze, he was just interested in the psychology behind it). He never hits on other women, but that's part of the whole PUA thing I think the reason that irritates me is that he definitely is himself an attention-seeker. Maybe I'm afraid that validation from others is too important to him, or something like that.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't sense that you're asking whose "fault" it is.

 

 

I sense you taking appropriate advantage of this outlet to perhaps let you express yourself about what happened to people who aren't directly tied-into your experience, so that you might be able to avoid any effects of its potential aftermath with you seething about it.

 

I just think that the best course of action for you is to let it fall to the ground harmlessly due to the idea that your boyfriend didn't conceive of the meeting in the first place, AND because your female friend is that sort of a person...

[JessaL]

I don't sense that you're asking whose "fault" it is.

 

 

I sense you taking appropriate advantage of this outlet to perhaps let you express yourself about what happened to people who aren't directly tied-into your experience, so that you might be able to avoid any effects of its potential aftermath with you seething about it.

 

I just think that the best course of action for you is to let it fall to the ground harmlessly due to the idea that your boyfriend didn't conceive of the meeting in the first place, AND because your female friend is that sort of a person...

 

Well, yes, that is correct.

 

I have let the matter drop; though I would by lying if I said I had moved beyond it.

 

BF friend requested her on FB and she accepted, and I'm slightly irritated by it. I wish I wasn't; I wish I was a cool, laid-back kind of person, but I'm just not. It bugs me a bit. Definitely not worth bringing up though.